Learning The Love Language Of Gifts
Chances are you’ve heard of the concept of love languages—the idea that different people may prefer different methods of showing and receiving affection. Out of the five most well-known love languages, gift-giving might be the one that’s most likely to create misconceptions, confusion, and even resentment. What exactly does it mean if your partner’s love language is receiving gifts, and how can you become ‘fluent’ in it if so?
Having a preference for receiving and expressing love through gifts doesn’t mean that a person only values material goods. Instead, people with this love language tend to see the act of giving a gift as a chance to make the other person feel understood and valued. If you’re with someone who feels this way, learning how to choose a token of affection that will make their heart melt could help you maintain a happy relationship.
Are love languages real?
Some people are dubious about the notion of love languages. After all, the concept was introduced in a pop psychology relationship book, not a rigorously reviewed scientific journal. It’s true that, since the book was released in 1992, researchers have examined the theory in a handful of studies. This scientific evidence leans in the direction of refuting the legitimacy of the concept, but there may be a few exceptions.
For example, people do seem to differ in their typical approaches to showing affection and in the kinds of actions that make them feel most loved. There have even been studies suggesting that the five “primary” love languages seem to map well to people’s expressed preferences.
In addition, some research indicates that using your partner’s preferred love language may foster greater relationship satisfaction, an effect that the study suggests may be stronger in women. It also notes that learning to recognize when your partner is showing you love in your primary language may help improve relationship satisfaction—perhaps because realizing that they’re putting effort into making you feel loved could actually make you feel loved.
Understanding the love language of gifts
Even if you accept the idea of love languages in general, you might be a little suspicious at first if someone says that theirs is giving gifts. Doesn’t everyone like it when people buy them things? For people who identify with this love language, though, it’s typically not about wanting their partners to spend money on them. What generally matters most to them is the care, understanding, and attention that the gift-giver displays through the item they choose. As the saying goes, it’s the thought that counts.
When you manage to surprise someone with the perfect present, it can send a few key messages all at once:
- You were thinking of them when they weren’t around
- You paid attention to their tastes, needs, or interests
- You went out of your way to do something just because it would make them happy
The feeling of being truly seen and understood by someone you care about can be a powerful contributor to happiness in any type of relationship. If your gift makes the recipient feel you’ve listened to them and gotten to know them, the price tag will likely be the last thing that they care about. A partner who values gift-giving might be just as charmed by an interesting-looking rock you found that made you think of them as a piece of jewelry.
Tips for better gift-giving
Thoughtful gift-giving doesn’t come naturally to everyone. If you tend to struggle when picking out gifts, there are some specific strategies you can use that may help increase your skills and sweep your loved one off their feet.
Take advantage of nostalgia
Sentimental gifts often count for more than material gifts when you’re trying to make someone feel loved. Rather than simply buying your partner something that seems beautiful or functional, you might want to get them something that recalls a treasured memory from your relationship.
Have you gone on an amazing trip together? Consider getting them a handcrafted item from the place you visited. Is there an inside joke that always makes you both laugh? A gift that reminds them of that shared joy might make them smile fondly every time they look at it. Not only can this kind of gift make them feel valued, but it may also reinforce the bond between you. Research suggests that reminiscing about shared memories may lead to greater relationship satisfaction and better relationship outcomes.
Give experiences as well as objects
A present doesn’t always have to be something you can wrap up and put a bow on. You could also gift your partner tickets to a concert, plan a trip or a date night together, or sign them up for a class where they can learn a fun skill.
This is another example of a type of gift that can pull double duty when it comes to strengthening your relationship. Several studies suggest that sharing “self-expanding” activities—those that enable personal growth or engagement with a new side of life—may help keep the sense of novelty and passion alive in long-term relationships.
Make something yourself
For many people who have gift-giving as a love language, the amount of effort put into a gift matters much more than the objective quality or price. Taking the time to make something by hand for your partner can be a very clear way to say “I love you.”
Keep a running wish list for your partner
If trying to think of a gift on short notice tends to make you feel anxious, you might want to make a habit of writing down gift ideas year-round. Any time you notice or think of something that you believe your loved one might appreciate, you could jot it down. This can be especially handy when your partner makes it clear they like, want, or need something.
If you see them looking at a book in a shop window or hear them mentioning that they could use new guitar strings, make a note. When they unwrap it later and realize that you listened and then made their offhand wish a reality, they’ll almost certainly be deeply touched. Recent research suggests that feeling heard can be vital to the health of close relationships.
In addition to this “wish list,” you can also keep a “favorites list,” noting down your partner’s general likes and interests—not specific gifts, but things that can serve as the inspiration for gifts, such as:
- Favorite bands, books, movies, games, etc.
- Preferred flavors, colors, smells, etc.
- Details about their hobbies
- Their personal heroes
- Notes on the styles of clothing they like
- Places they’ve always wanted to visit or that they’ve visited and loved
Offer “just because” gifts
Although a lovely birthday or anniversary present can be much appreciated, it may be even more romantic to get a present outside of the standard holiday gift exchanges. If you give your partner something when they weren’t expecting to get anything, it can serve as an even stronger signal that they were on your mind. They’ll know you sought out a gift for the sole purpose of putting a smile on their face.
This doesn’t mean you should feel obligated to get them something on any kind of regular schedule. Even an occasional “just because” gift can go a long way toward making the other person feel loved—including small tokens of affection. For example, every so often, you could have a small treat waiting for your beloved at the end of a long shift at work or hand them a little trinket while you’re out to dinner.
Learn to communicate love more clearly with therapy
While learning to express your affection using your partner’s primary love language can be an excellent way to strengthen your relationship, it’s not the only communication skill you’ll need to keep love alive. Getting coaching from a trained counselor can be another effective way to invest in the health of your relationship.
Finding time for therapy isn’t always easy, however—especially for those with busy schedules or who don’t have many options for providers nearby. Seeking therapy online instead can be a good way to get around this difficulty. It’s often much easier to fit therapy in when you can connect with a licensed provider remotely, since there’s no travel time involved and scheduling may be more flexible. Research suggests that online therapy may be “no less efficacious” than in-person treatment in many cases, so you can typically pick the format that works best for you.
Takeaway
Having a love language of gift-giving isn’t an indicator of greed or selfishness. Instead, it’s generally based on a desire to feel understood and appreciated, as fulfilled by a partner’s effort to give personally tailored gifts. By paying closer attention to your loved one’s desires and finding even small ways to surprise them, you may be able to foster a stronger, more loving bond.
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