Co-Parenting With A Narcissistic Person? Exploring Signs And Navigating Challenges

Co-parenting may feel challenging, but co-parenting with a person with narcissistic tendencies may feel overwhelming or impossible. In this article, we’ll explore the signs of narcissistic parents and people with narcissistic personality disorder and what you can do to navigate co-parenting with someone who has narcissistic tendencies.

Please note that the use of the word “narcissist” in this article refers to a person living with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

Signs that your partner may be a narcissistic person

Signs of narcissism may show up during parenting in behaviors like using your child to “score points,” refusing to be agreeable for the sake of your children, disrupting your children’s routines or appointments, and not agreeing to custody or other parenting arrangements.

For example, a narcissist co-parent may become possessive and controlling, and may have a difficult time allowing their child to spend time with the other parent without conflict, perhaps escalating minor inconveniences (or inventing them) and focusing on perceived slights while blaming you. They may also try to intrude on your time with your child by creating problems, calling, texting, or insisting that they join in activities. 

In cases of abuse, the court will often order the non-abusing parent sole custody. However, in other cases, it may be necessary to interact with the co-parent on a semi-regular basis. In this case, you can use various strategies to protect your child’s self-esteem and your mental health.

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

Strategies to protect yourself and your child

To successfully co-parent with a person with narcissistic tendencies, there are a few strategies that may help you protect yourself and your child. 

Limit contact with the narcissistic co-parent

Communicating solely through text or email typically allows you to take some time before responding to a question or statement. It can also be useful for documenting conversations for potential court cases. If an ex continues to email or text after you have given a direct answer or statement, not responding is usually the right choice. 

Use the legal system

It can be ideal to create a legal parenting plan or custody agreement. Leaving a gray area can cause stress and challenging situations when interacting with a narcissist. It’s generally best to have all plans, schedules, and visitation in writing. While investing in legal help may feel financially stressful, hiring a lawyer who has experience dealing with people who have narcissistic tendencies and who have been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder may help you strategically achieve a fair parenting plan and custody agreement.

If there is a dispute of custody or where the child should live, the court may appoint a guardian ad litem. A guardian ad litem is a person who the court assigns to observe the child’s living situation and their relationship with their parents. They then make recommendations to the court regarding custody based on the best interests of the child. 

Shift your mindset

Try thinking about your co-parenting arrangement as something like a business partnership. This can be challenging, but it may be possible with practice. Avoid allowing them to pull you into drama with your child. 

Also, as tempting as it may be, try not to use negative language when speaking about your co-parenting partner to your child. Avoiding using your child as a mediator or a go-between can be best.

Be a role model for your child

When parenting with a narcissist, it may be likely that your child’s other parent isn’t modeling healthy emotional behavior. When responding to your ex’s communication, try to keep your child’s emotional well-being foremost in your mind. Do your best to take the high road, as challenging as that can be.

When your child is feeling down, you can help them recognize their emotions. Let them know that their feelings are valid and that you are there to support them when they are feeling sad, frustrated, or angry. 

Maintain documentation

Detailed and organized documentation of communications, like emails and text messages, and actions, like cancelled child pick-ups and drop-offs, provides tangible proof of narcissistic behaviors. This information may be used in future custody court cases. 

Consider parallel parenting

If interacting with a narcissistic parent becomes too challenging, you may try parallel parenting. This approach can differ from co-parenting in that you will generally have minimal contact with your ex. Parallel parents will usually not attend activities like school events, games, medical appointments, or teacher conferences together. 

They may have neutral drop-off and pick-up spots and only reach out to each other when it’s necessary. While this may seem extreme, taking potential arguments out of the picture can be beneficial to your children.

Therapy for stress management

Even with a solid parenting plan in place, coping with a narcissistic co-parent can be stressful and detrimental to your self-esteem. It may be helpful to talk through your challenges with a licensed therapist, who may help you learn stress management techniques.

A therapist may also help you set strong boundaries, learn how to prioritize your own needs, and improve your communication skills. Your child’s self-esteem may also be affected by spending time with their other parent; you may want to consider either family therapy or individual therapy for them, as well.

Does your co-parenting partner have narcissistic tendencies?

Learn to set boundaries with online therapy

Online therapy is often a good option for those who don’t have access to therapy in their area or find it challenging to attend face-to-face therapy. For parents with busy schedules, being able to attend therapy sessions from their own home at a time that fits into their existing routine can be highly beneficial. 

Research shows that online therapy can be as effective as in-person therapy for treating a variety of mental health disorders and concerns. If you’re experiencing challenges related to interacting with a co-parent who has NPD, online therapy may be a valid treatment option for you.