How To Release Feelings Of Anger And Hatred, And Why You Should

It’s common to want to hold onto anger and negative thoughts and feelings after someone wrongs you. Feeling upset by a hurtful situation is natural and often a part of the healing process. However, if these emotions remain strong and linger over time, they could end up having negative effects on your emotional and even physical health. Read on for an overview of how clinging to feelings like these can be detrimental to your well-being, plus suggestions for releasing them and turning to acceptance or even love instead.

The potentially harmful effects of holding onto anger or hate

The point he’s making is clear: Keeping hatred blazing in your mind or heart doesn’t do anything to the person you’re angry with. Instead, you’re the one who feels the pain and experiences the negative effects.

Research has found that persistent anger can play a role in mental illnesses like depression. Other studies suggest that nursing a grudge may even impair your cognitive skills. These effects can spill over into your physical health as well: A 2004 study concluded that anger, hostility, and aggression* can increase your risk of coronary heart disease. These problems likely spring from the body’s reaction to the stress that anger may cause. It releases a hormone known as cortisol, which can help us face threatening situations in the moment but can be harmful when triggered to release continually or chronically over time.

*Mental health research is constantly evolving, so older sources may contain information or theories that have been reevaluated since their original publication date.

Why is it so hard to let go of angry feelings?

Most people likely realize that holding on to hostile feelings over the long term isn’t healthy, but evidence shows that many of us do it anyway. Forbes reported in February of 2022 that nearly 70% of Americans report holding at least one lingering grudge. Interestingly, the survey also found that roughly the same percentage believed that holding a grudge is bad for your health.

So why can these feelings be so hard to let go of? One theory is that they may boost our own self-image, albeit in an unhealthy way. A 2021 study identified feelings of “moral superiority” and a “need for validation” as crucial components of holding a grudge. Some people also feel as though releasing their anger would be letting the other person “off the hook” in some way. As discussed above, this attitude is often counterproductive. Clinging to feelings of resentment might help you feel a bit better in the moment, but the evidence suggests it will make you worse off in the long run.

Tips for cultivating acceptance or love instead of hate

While it’s fairly easy to understand how harmful a grudge can be on a conceptual level, overcoming it emotionally can be a more difficult task. Some of the suggestions below may be helpful in working on this goal over time.

Try to accept your feelings without judgment

For many people, a crucial first step in letting go of their anger is accepting it instead of trying to fight it. If this sounds paradoxical, remember that there’s a difference between acceptance and self-punishment. Research supports this idea; one study found that “a judgemental attitude towards one's thoughts and feelings is the strongest predictor of both depression and anxiety”. Instead of being harsh with yourself about your angry feelings, it may be helpful to acknowledge their existence with a nonjudgmental awareness—which a mindfulness practice can help you cultivate—and watch them potentially subside peacefully over time.

Resist the urge to ruminate

It’s not uncommon to feel inclined to mentally fixate on the things you dislike about someone who has wronged you, or to replay the situation in your head again and again. Psychologists call this behavior “rumination”, and it may play a significant role in both maintaining unhealthy anger and bringing about its negative effects. 

One study found that rehearsing memories* of an “interpersonal offense” caused elevated markers of stress in participants’ bodies. These potentially harmful physical changes persisted even after the subjects stopped actively thinking about the incident. This evidence suggests that rumination may have a direct role in the ways that grudges harm our health.

*Mental health research is constantly evolving, so older sources may contain information or theories that have been reevaluated since their original publication date.

If you find yourself going back over memories that make you angry, you may want to try redirecting your thoughts. It’s often best to avoid judging yourself for slipping into rumination; instead, consider simply making the conscious choice to focus on something else. One constructive option might be to turn your attention to the future and focus on something positive you intend to do.

Practice forgiveness

The findings from the study on rumination referenced above include another effective tactic for releasing anger and improving your health: forgiveness. Researchers found that the stress effects of reliving painful memories were greatly reduced when participants imagined forgiving the other person or taking on their viewpoint. Another study showed that feelings of forgiveness* appeared to reduce mental health symptoms over time.

*Mental health research is constantly evolving, so older sources may contain information or theories that have been reevaluated since their original publication date.

It may be difficult at first to imagine forgiving a person who has wronged you. However, true forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending that nothing happened or letting the person harm you again. In fact, some studies have found that forgiving someone who is unapologetic* or denies they did anything wrong can be harmful to your mental health—and letting someone else hurt you again in the name of forgiveness is not an accurate interpretation of the concept, either. Forgiveness is simply making the conscious choice to release the resentment you’ve been holding on to—regardless of whether the other person or party deserves that.

*Mental health research is constantly evolving, so older sources may contain information or theories that have been reevaluated since their original publication date.

Remember, forgiving someone doesn’t have to mean continuing to have a relationship with them or lowering your guard around them. If someone has abused you, for instance, you can forgive them by working toward eventually releasing your resentment for them but not ever putting yourself in a situation where they could harm you again. You have the right to make your safety and well-being your top priority.

If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse of any kind, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE (7233)) can offer assistance.

Reframe the situation

A technique called “compassionate reappraisal” has been found to help with the process of letting go of negativity. The idea is to find a different way to think about the situation that caused your hostile feelings. In some cases, this can involve thinking of any positive things that came from a negative experience. For example, you may have learned something valuable or been prompted to make a beneficial change in your life. Compassionate reappraisal can also involve considering the perspective of the person who wronged you. This doesn’t mean justifying their behavior, but it may mean recognizing them as a flawed and suffering human being who made bad choices.

Either or both of these approaches may help you choose love over hate moving forward. Note that it can also be important to show compassion to yourself along the way by releasing any feelings of self-blame you may have for what happened to you. 

Focus on what matters to you

You may find that it’s easier to release hatred when you love yourself. If it’s true that we hold on to grudges as a way to puff up our own egos, choosing love instead may require other, better sources of self-esteem. Many have found that focusing on their deeply held values helps them rebuild a healthy sense of self, an approach known as self-affirmation. You can begin by simply writing down a list of the things that matter most to you in life. Possible examples might include:

• Close, loving relationships
• New experiences
• Self-improvement
• Creative expression
• Helping others
• Learning new things
• Building a career
• A rich spiritual life

Many people find that just writing down their core values helps them feel more in touch with their own self-worth and identity. You can take the process even further by vividly imagining scenarios in which you’re fulfilling these key life goals or even taking positive action toward them.

Put your energy into loving relationships

Another potentially powerful way to cast off negativity is to express love toward others. When you’re having trouble letting go of someone you feel anger or hatred toward, it could be a sign that you should focus more on the people you love. You might want to invest more time into the positive relationships in your life, whether those are with relatives, friends, or romantic partners. 

Therapy may help you release anger and hatred

Even with the best of intentions, you may find it difficult to redirect your thoughts of anger or hatred toward acceptance, forgiveness, and love. In this situation, it can be useful to speak with a licensed therapist who is trained in helping people change their mental habits. If you’re uncertain about whether therapy is right for you, online counseling could be a good way to test it out. Finding a therapist is often faster and more convenient through online platforms, making it a low-stakes way to give it a try and see if it’s helpful for your situation.

Research shows that web-based therapy is often just as effective as meeting with a counselor face-to-face. A meta-analysis of prior studies on this topic revealed “no differences in effectiveness”* between the two formats. If you’re interested in giving virtual therapy a try, you might consider a platform like BetterHelp. You can fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist accordingly, and you can then meet with them via phone, video call, and/or online chat to address the challenges you may be facing.

*Mental health research is constantly evolving, so older sources may contain information or theories that have been reevaluated since their original publication date.