Reasons People Delay Sexual Intimacy

It can be normal to wait until you’re older before engaging in sexual intimacy. Several of the reasons for this decision may include religious beliefs, self-esteem, career prioritization, sexual orientation, a focus on friendship, personal standards, and physical or mental illness. If you’re experiencing any challenges related to intimacy, it can be helpful to work with a therapist online or in person.

What is sexual intimacy?

People may define sexual intimacy in a variety of ways. As a standalone concept, intimacy can be described as an interpersonal state of extreme emotional closeness with another person. You might experience emotional intimacy with a close friend or family member, spiritual intimacy with someone from your church, or intellectual intimacy with a classmate or favorite teacher.

Sexual intimacy usually builds on this definition, often specifically focusing on the closeness we can develop through sexual acts with ourselves or other people. It can involve a mixture of emotional, physical, and social closeness. For many people, sexual intimacy can be very vulnerable, as it normally involves both physical and emotional connection. Ideally, an intimate sexual relationship may be grounded in a sense of trust, comfort, and awareness of the other person’s needs and desires.

Forming your personal definitions of sex and sexual intimacy

Importantly, sexual intimacy may not always involve sexual intercourse. While more traditional perspectives might define “sex” as penetrative intercourse between a man and a woman, this may not be the only definition.

Depending on your sexual orientation and personal experiences, your definition of sex – and, more broadly, sexual intimacy – may encompass other sexual acts, which can happen between people of various genders and sexualities. Even non-physical acts like flirting over text, dancing, or sending photos to a partner could be considered forms of sexual intimacy.

Why do some people wait for sexual intimacy?

Engaging in any type of sexual act can be a personal decision. There’s no shame in waiting for love or delaying sexual experiences until you feel prepared and excited to begin exploring this area of your life.

We’ll unpack some common reasons why you might choose to wait for sexual intimacy and consider how therapy may guide your personal explorations.

1. Religion

For some people, religion may play a significant role in their major life decisions, including choices around sex and intimacy. Depending on your religious and spiritual beliefs, you may decide to delay sexual intimacy until you’re married or in a serious, committed partnership.

Even if you are religious, you may decide to pursue sexual experiences earlier, depending on your needs and conversations with sexual partners. Religion and spirituality can make sexual intimacy feel complicated at times, but ultimately, both abstinence and sex are generally considered to be personal choices. Religion can offer a critical framework for your values and morals, but it usually shouldn’t cause feelings of shame or guilt around sex. 

Some religious people may feel complicated feelings around sexual intimacy, particularly if they come from strict religious upbringings. However, a growing number of people are working to combat these stigmas and reframe sexual intimacy as a personal conviction, independent of religious belief.

2. Self-esteem 

Sexually intimate experiences can be vulnerable, and it may take time to build up the self-esteem and confidence to share these experiences with another person. This could lead someone to end up waiting for love.

As defined by the American Psychological Association (APA), self-esteem typically describes how positively you view your personal qualities and characteristics. For many people, it takes years – and sometimes, a lifetime – to build their self-esteem and develop the confidence to pursue sexual intimacy. Certain life experiences can threaten or challenge your self-esteem, including the birth of your child, a physical or mental illness, or the aging process itself. 

If you’ve recently had a child, for example, you might delay sex until you feel more comfortable with your postpartum body or simply have enough energy and desire for sexual intimacy. Other people may have had early sexual experiences but find themselves in an extended period of abstinence. In these cases, it can be hard for older adults to reactivate their sex lives, particularly if their bodies and sexual needs have changed with age.  

3. Career

Your career may play a crucial role in your life. If you spend your young adult years building the foundation of your career, you may end up delaying sexual intimacy, whether intentionally or inadvertently.  

Over the past several decades, women and other minority groups have generally gained more availability to educational and economic opportunities compared to the generations before them. Some research suggests that women may be delaying marriage, sex, and other forms of intimacy as they build their careers. 

For women who can have children, the prospect of getting pregnant may also deter them from sexual intimacy, especially if they don’t want children or plan to wait until their career is established.

4. Sexual orientation

Not everyone’s sexual needs may be the same. Depending on your sexual orientation, you may not desire sexual intimacy at all. People who identify as asexual, for instance, may have little interest in having sex but still desire emotionally intimate relationships.

Other sexual orientations may affect the timing of your first sexual experiences. Some people identify as demisexual, meaning they may only experience sexual attraction after forming a strong emotional connection with another person. Because it usually takes time to build emotional intimacy, these factors can lead some people to delay sexual experiences until later in life.

5. Friendship

Sexual intimacy can be fun and enriching – but for many of us, friendship can be just as rewarding. Depending on your needs and community, you may find yourself investing more time and energy into your friendships. A good friend can fulfill many of the same needs as a romantic partner, especially if your sexual needs are not as strong as your desire for emotional intimacy.

6. Personal standards

When used intentionally, dating apps and other online tools can help us clarify our dating goals, as well as our sexual needs and standards for romantic partnerships. 

Some research suggests that more people may be focusing their energies on their careers, education, and finances. As a result, they can generally afford to be choosier about their sexual and romantic partners. 

Your personal standards may dictate that you only engage in sexual intimacy after spending a certain amount of time with someone, or after you’ve established emotional intimacy. Like any decision around sex and intimacy, these standards and boundaries can be entirely up to you. 

7. Physical or mental illness 

When you’re not feeling mentally or physically well, it can be easy for sexual intimacy to fall to the bottom of your priority list. While intimacy can benefit your mental and physical health, it can be hard to get when you’re feeling less than 100%. 

Some mental health conditions, such as depression and anxiety, can lead people to distance themselves from loved ones. Without proper treatment and support, they may close themselves off from opportunities for intimacy, both emotionally and sexually.

Because the mind and body tend to influence each other, you may also find that your mental health influences your libido and sexual performance. In some cases, mental illnesses can lead to issues like erectile dysfunction and painful intercourse. Even with a trusted partner, these challenges can be scary to navigate and may discourage people from engaging in sexual intimacy until they feel mentally and physically well.

Therapy can help you explore sexual intimacy

Sexual intimacy may bring up a host of feelings, memories, and questions. If you’re unsure where to begin, a therapist can offer an excellent starting point.

While some people may prefer to explore these concerns in face-to-face therapy, many people use online therapy to fit mental health care into their busy schedules. Digital platforms often make it easy for people to connect with compassionate, board-certified therapists after completing a brief questionnaire.

Research shows that online therapy can be an effective alternative for a wide range of mental health concerns. In a 2008 study of men with erectile dysfunction or rapid ejaculation, two-thirds of the men generally reported a significant improvement in their sexual functioning after completing internet-based sex therapy. While more research may be needed to understand the effectiveness of online therapy for other sexual concerns, current studies indicate it can be just as valuable and more available than in-person therapy.