How To Lay The Foundation For A Lasting Relationship

Showing emotions openly can be the foundation for enduring love in a relationship. In addition, respect and commitment, among other qualities, are often needed to make a relationship work. You may need to establish these positive dynamics from the beginning to give your new relationship a firm foundation.

Why healthy relationships need a strong foundation

Researchers have demonstrated that the early phases of a romantic relationship can affect the human brain in ways very similar to addictive drugs. The combination of euphoric happiness when you’re around your new partner — and the intense craving for them when you’re apart — can easily convince you that you’re meant to be together. It may also cause you to overlook ways in which you might not be compatible. 

If your connection isn’t based on something deeper, it’s likely to dwindle as time goes on.

So, what qualities can provide a strong foundation for you and your partner?

Mutual respect

Respect is one building block of a flourishing and strong relationship. Mutual respect often involves understanding each other's boundaries and listening to each person's perspective in a nonjudgmental way. Romantic partners can foster respect in the relationship by treating each other’s thoughts, feelings, desires, boundaries, and personal dignity like they matter and hold weight.

When this kind of consideration isn’t present, it may result in a variety of toxic behaviors, such as:

• Dismissing a partner’s opinions, feelings, and perspectives
• Ignoring a partner’s boundaries
• A lack of desire to respect boundaries
• Disregarding a partner’s practical and emotional needs
• Expressing contempt toward a partner
• Not consulting a partner about decisions that affect both parties
• Not taking a partner’s life goals seriously
• Prioritizing one's own preferences over the needs or wishes of the other partner 

A foundation of respect can often help sustain a couple through times when they’re not feeling particularly loving or have differing opinions. Researchers have found that conflicts have less of an impact on relationship satisfaction when both partners feel that their perspectives have been understood and acknowledged.

How to establish respect with your partner

You can start to establish respect by learning your partner’s values and boundaries while being clear about your own. You may want to have a conversation early on about what you feel is important in life, including your goals, beliefs, and expectations. Pay attention to how your partner responds, as it often signals whether they’re prepared to treat you with respect. 

When they discuss their values with you, listen carefully so that you can honor them in your actions. You can also cultivate respect through seemingly small things like taking time commitments seriously, hearing the other person out when they disagree with you, and supporting their goals and interests.

Firm commitment

A 2020 study found evidence that one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction is the perception that one’s partner is strongly committed. It may be easier to work through the rough patches that arise in any long-term romance if you’re both determined to make things work. 

From a certain perspective, you could argue that the decision to stay together is what makes a romantic relationship real. Two people might have very strong feelings for one another, but if they don’t have common values in mutual commitment, it might be more accurate to say that they’re “seeing each other” or “casually dating” rather than in a partnership.

Demonstrating a firm commitment to one partner can also send the message that the person and the relationship bond are valued. Commitment can involve navigating the complexities of relationships with a focus on the long-term, in which each person's life goals and desires are respected.

How to build commitment in an intimate relationship

Building commitment doesn’t have to mean talking about marriage on the first date. It’s generally fine to take some time to build up your bond with the other person before you put a label on things. 

However, as the relationship starts to get more serious, it can be helpful to discuss what both parties are looking for. A mismatch in this area can be a major source of discord. You can signal to your partner that you take commitment seriously by letting them know how you feel about ideas like exclusivity and open communication.

Emotional intimacy

While feeling a passionate interest in and attraction toward a partner can help spark a relationship, feeling close to them emotionally may be what helps sustain it in the long run. When you feel like you’ve found a person with whom you can discuss your deepest feelings, your strangest thoughts, and your most personal memories, your bond is more likely to stay strong. 

Psychological research has confirmed the significance of this emotional bond as a strong relationship foundation. Emotional intimacy may be a major part of what people mean when they say that their partner is their best friend.

How to create emotional intimacy with your partner

Emotional intimacy is a key part of long-lasting relationships that often grows from honest, authentic conversations that allow partners to spend quality time together and create a safe space for vulnerability. Instead of telling your partner what you think they want to hear, you may want to let them know what you think and feel, even if you disagree with their opinions. If you’ve found someone with whom you’re genuinely compatible, letting them get to know the real you can establish closeness.

This can mean diving into the “big questions” instead of shying away from them. A famous psychology experiment found that strangers could sometimes fall in love simply by asking each other about progressively deeper topics. It’s probably best to build on these topics little by little, but don’t be afraid to steer the conversations toward the things that matter most in life.

Gratitude and appreciation

A sense of gratitude — being thankful for the person you’re with — can be another element in a thriving relationship. Some studies indicate that feeling appreciative is one of the most important variables behind a feeling of fulfillment in a relationship. 

Expressing that appreciation may be just as impactful. A 2019 study reported that showing gratitude toward one’s partner helped defend against common relationship pitfalls such as insecurity.

You and your partner can practice gratitude by simply saying “thank you” after even small compliments, favors, and gifts. This can help establish a pattern of showing appreciation for the little things in life. 

It may also be possible to cultivate gratitude for yourself through exercises like loving-kindness meditation, in which you imagine sending positive thoughts and compassion toward an ever-growing circle of people. This may also have benefits for your mental and physical well-being.

Open and honest communication

The ability to communicate effectively is a part of healthy relationships, often playing a role in providing emotional support during challenging times. The ability to talk with each other in a transparent, productive way can make it easier to maintain all of the other positive relationship qualities described above. If you want your connection to last, it’s often helpful to establish some healthy habits of effective communication early on. 

This may mean being honest even when what you have to say isn’t pleasant. Studies suggest that expressing dissatisfaction is often better for relationship health than holding back to “keep the peace.”

This doesn’t mean you should constantly criticize your partner, but it may be beneficial to address concerns directly when they do something that makes you unhappy. To make the most of these benefits, you may also need to make sure they can communicate honestly with you, whether they’re feeling good or bad.

How to communicate effectively during conflict

You can model healthy communication from the start of your partnership using strategies like:

• Seeking to understand your partner’s perspective instead of just convincing them you’re right
• Acknowledging and validating their feelings
• Making space for them to talk — letting them vent when they’ve had a rough day and celebrating with them when they get good news
• Paying attention and avoiding interruptions
• Owning up to your mistakes
• Let them know how you’re feeling
• Addressing problems head-on rather than pushing them aside

Therapy can strengthen a relationship and help build lasting love

Many people think of couples therapy as something to do when you and your partner are having problems. However, therapy can also help happy couples strengthen their communication, offer support to each other, and remember the importance of being friends in addition to being lovers. If your relationship is entering a new phase, it may be beneficial to receive some coaching from a relationship expert.

Engaging in relationship counseling online is often more convenient and comfortable than doing so in person. Scheduling appointments can be easier since you can attend sessions with no commute, and it may also be easier to find a qualified therapist if you’re not limited to those practicing nearby.

Some couples are skeptical that relationship counseling over the Internet could provide any benefit. However, research suggests that it can be as effective as in-person couples therapy. Some participants even report that it’s easier to feel comfortable with the process due to the distancing effect of online communication.