What Is Emotional Abuse? Signs, Effects, And How To Heal

If you're questioning whether what you're experiencing in a relationship is emotional abuse, you're not alone. Recognizing emotional abuse can be confusing because it often looks different from what many people expect. There are no visible bruises, and the behaviors may be subtle or gradual. It is not your fault if someone else hurts you emotionally, mentally, or in any other manner. Below, explore what emotional abuse is, how to recognize the signs, the effects it can have, and steps you can take toward healing. Seeking therapy for emotional abuse can be an important step in the recovery process.

What is emotional abuse?

Emotional abuse is often defined by behaviors or tactics that control, manipulate, isolate, or harm another person. It is also commonly referred to as psychological abuse. Unlike physical abuse, emotional abuse leaves no visible marks, which can make it harder to identify and validate. An individual who partakes in abusive behaviors may exhibit a combination of tactics to establish control, including making threats, intentionally putting you down, calling you names, monitoring your whereabouts, making you feel guilty, or keeping you from seeing your friends and family.

Emotional abuse can happen in any type of relationship, including romantic partnerships, family relationships, friendships, and workplace dynamics. While it may not cause physical harm, the impact on your mental health can be severe and may result in serious long-term effects. Many people who experience emotional abuse find themselves questioning their own perceptions, which is often a direct result of the manipulation they're experiencing.

One reason emotional abuse can be so difficult to recognize is that it often escalates gradually. What starts as occasional criticism or jealousy may slowly intensify over time. Additionally, tactics like gaslighting can lead you to doubt your own memory and judgment, making it even harder to trust your instincts. Understanding these dynamics may be an important step toward recognizing what's happening and seeking support.

Emotional abuse vs. normal conflict

It can be challenging to distinguish between emotional abuse and normal relationship conflict, especially when you're in the middle of it. Most relationships involve disagreements and moments of frustration. However, there tend to be key differences between healthy conflict and abusive patterns that may clarify what you're experiencing.

The key distinction often lies in patterns rather than isolated incidents. In healthy relationships, conflict may be uncomfortable, but it usually doesn't leave you feeling afraid, worthless, or constantly on edge. If you find yourself walking on eggshells or feeling like you can never do anything right, these may be signs that something deeper is happening.

Signs of emotional abuse

While abuse may take many forms, recognizing the signs of emotional abuse can help you understand what you're experiencing. The following patterns may indicate emotional abuse in a relationship.

Controlling behavior

Partners who engage in controlling behavior often seek to control various aspects of your life. This may include monitoring your whereabouts, demanding to know who you're with at all times, or calling and texting constantly throughout the day. They might control what clothes you wear, what you eat, or who your friends are. Some may take your car keys to prevent you from leaving, make decisions for you without consulting you, or expect you to follow their orders as if you belong to them. If you feel that your partner sees you as a possession rather than a person, that may be a red flag.

Manipulation and gaslighting

Gaslighting is one of the signs of manipulative behavior and a common form of emotional abuse. It typically involves manipulating someone psychologically to make them question their thoughts, memories, or perceptions of events. A partner may deny hurting you and tell you that you're "losing your mind" or "making it up." By denying your reality, they may lead you to believe your emotions or feelings are invalid.

Projection is another manipulation tactic where someone may accuse you of having shortcomings or faults that they actually see in themselves. For example, if someone is cheating in a relationship, they may accuse you of being unfaithful instead of admitting to their own behavior.

Verbal attacks and humiliation

Those who act abusively may call their partner names that are blatantly hurtful, such as "crazy" or "loser." They may use "pet names" or nicknames that cause hurt or embarrassment, even when you've asked them to stop. Character assassination behavior may imply that you "just can't measure up," with statements insinuating you are incapable of performing tasks or don't know how to do simple things.

People who commit emotional abuse might also make a public spectacle of you, ridiculing you for what they believe are your shortcomings in front of others, including strangers, friends, coworkers, or family members. They might yell at you in public or act like you're being rude to them in front of others.

Isolation from support systems

Emotional abuse may involve withholding affection, love, and connection as punishment or control. An abusive partner may prevent you from having a healthy social or family life by refusing to allow you to visit or spend time with those you love, or by becoming angry or upset when you do. Over time, this isolation can leave you feeling like you have no one to turn to, which may make it harder to leave the relationship.

Unpredictable behavior and love bombing

You may be subjected to uncontrollable rage followed by being showered with affection or gifts. Happiness and joy may be quickly replaced with uncertainty and feeling on edge all the time. Normal conflict may be rare or absent because things can be so unpredictable.

"Love bombing" generally refers to the period when someone displays intense positive behaviors to attempt to "undo" the impacts of previous abusive behaviors. It may also happen at the beginning of a relationship before emotional abuse occurs. Love bombing can look like moving too fast, engaging in frequent messaging or contact, or giving lavish gifts and experiences.

Jealousy and accusations

Those partaking in abuse may accuse others of cheating or flirting with someone else, even if they know it is not true. They may use jealousy as an excuse to go through your device, read your diary, or cut you off from social connections. As a result, you might avoid engaging in healthy relationships with other people in your support network in an attempt to prevent their jealousy.

Guilt-tripping and blame-shifting

Survivors of emotionally abusive partners may feel like they owe their abusers something. For example, a partner may guilt-trip you by saying, "I've done so much for you, and you can't even do this little thing for me." They may ignore the things you've done for them. Blame-shifting can occur when the person acting abusively makes you feel responsible for their behavior, suggesting that you caused them to act the way they did.

The emotional abuse cycle

The emotional abuse cycle or cycle of violence refers to the pattern of behavior that often occurs in an emotionally abusive relationship. Understanding this cycle may explain why leaving can feel so complicated. The stages of emotional abuse typically include:

• Honeymoon: A period of calm, affection, and apparent normalcy
• Tension building: Stress increases, communication breaks down, and the person experiencing abuse may feel like they're walking on eggshells
• Incident: An episode of emotional abuse occurs, which may include verbal attacks, manipulation, or other harmful behaviors
• Reconciliation: The person acting abusively may apologize, make excuses, or minimize what happened
• Calm: A return to the honeymoon phase, which can create hope that things will improve

This cycle can repeat many times throughout a relationship. The reconciliation and calm phases may create hope that the relationship will get better, which can make it difficult to recognize the pattern or decide to leave. Understanding that this cycle is a common part of abusive relationships may help you see your situation more clearly.

Effects of emotional abuse

Emotional abuse can have significant effects on mental and physical health. Emotional abuse can cause trauma and may lead to other trauma-related challenges. The Office on Women's Health reports that women who have experienced abuse or trauma may be at higher risk of developing a mental health condition, including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Some potential effects of emotional abuse may include:

• Anxiety and depression
• Low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness
• Difficulty trusting others
• Challenges in future relationships
• Physical symptoms, such as headaches, digestive issues, or sleep problems
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

If you're experiencing any of these effects, it may be helpful to know that these responses are common among people who have experienced emotional abuse. Your reactions are valid, and healing is possible with support.

Warning signs in a potential partner

Those with abusive behaviors may have distinct personalities and behavior patterns. Once you have been exposed to these traits, you may be able to recognize them in future relationships before emotional abuse can begin. The following signs may indicate someone is at risk for coercive behaviors:

• They seem insecure or uncomfortable around others and overreact about simple situations
• They are paranoid about people's motivations and constantly look for hidden agendas
• They often brag or boast about themselves while being highly critical of others
• They have unresolved resentment of past partners and blame failed relationships entirely on the other person
• They act pushy in conversations by not letting others have an opinion or always getting in the last word
• They pressure you to do things you do not want to do
• They give you the silent treatment to hurt you
• They invade your personal space, always asking about where you are or who you're with
• They disregard the boundaries you have set
• You have heard accounts of angry, violent, or emotionally abusive episodes from other people who know them

If you see multiple traits from this list in a person, you may want to proceed with caution as your relationship progresses. However, abuse isn't always obvious, and this list is not complete. If you're unsure about what you're experiencing, speaking to a mental health professional may be helpful.

How to recognize if someone you know is being emotionally abused

If you suspect someone you know is experiencing emotional abuse, reaching out to offer support when the abusive partner is not present may be meaningful. The following signs may indicate someone is experiencing abuse:

• They are distant from their loved ones
• They feel a need to apologize to you consistently or seek constant reassurance
• They feel the need to ask their partner for permission before doing things they want to do
• They're experiencing anxiety or depression
• They tell you about the abuse or hint at it
• Their personality changes abruptly
• They seem shaky, scared, or withdrawn
• They are often physically sick or experience frequent health problems, in conjunction with other signs on this list

When approaching someone you're concerned about, it may help to express your care without judgment. Let them know you're available to listen and support them, whatever they decide to do.

Emotional abuse recovery: Steps toward healing

Being a survivor of emotional mistreatment or control may feel overwhelming. It may seem like there is no way out. However, healing is possible, and there are steps you can take to begin the recovery process.

Acknowledge what's happening

An important step in recovering from emotionally abusive relationships can be acknowledging that there is a problem. This can be difficult, especially if you've been made to doubt your own perceptions. Naming what you're experiencing as abuse may feel scary, but it can also be validating and empowering.

Set boundaries

Even if the person acting abusive toward you chooses not to respect the boundaries you set, setting boundaries can be helpful. Establish in your mind the things you are willing to tolerate and the things you are not. Make your intentions and the consequences of overstepping your boundaries clear. When you do this, enforce the consequences when the individual tries to manipulate you. Doing so can feel challenging, so having someone to support you may be beneficial.

Build a support system

Talk to a trusted friend or family member about what you are going through. Many individuals who act abusively may assume you will not reach out for support. Some people undergoing emotional mistreatment may feel so emotionally downtrodden that they do not think others will believe them. Consider talking to someone who can offer you emotional support and encouragement so that you can draw strength for the journey of healing and regain your sense of self-esteem.

Practice self-care

Practicing self-care is one step toward feeling mentally and physically well. Daily meditation may be one way to increase self-compassion and improve your mental health. Taking the focus off the person abusing you and focusing on your wants and needs may promote a sense of balance and wellness. Get plenty of rest and sleep. Eat well-balanced, nutritious meals and exercise regularly. Find activities or hobbies that bring you joy.

Create a safety plan

If you're considering leaving an abusive relationship, creating a safety plan may be helpful. This might include identifying safe places to go, keeping important documents accessible, and having a trusted person you can contact. The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) can help you develop a safety plan and provide additional resources.

Benefits of online therapy for emotional abuse recovery

Online therapy may offer unique benefits for those recovering from or experiencing emotional abuse. Because sessions can be accessed from home, online therapy can make support more accessible for those who have difficulty leaving the house or whose movements are being monitored. The ability to message a therapist between sessions can also provide ongoing support during difficult moments, and the flexibility of scheduling may make it easier to attend sessions without raising concerns.

How online therapy may support recovery

Online therapy may be a helpful form of support for people impacted by emotional abuse. A 2022 paper suggested that virtual interventions have the potential to respond to the needs of individuals affected by domestic violence, although additional research is needed. BetterHelp outcomes data may also support the use of online therapy for these types of concerns, with therapists receiving a 4.9 out of five average rating from over 1.7 million client ratings.

If professional support feels like the right next step for you, online counseling options like BetterHelp may be one way to connect with a licensed therapist from home. The cost of online therapy via BetterHelp ranges from $70 to $100 per week, billed weekly or monthly, with costs based on your location, referral source, preferences, any applicable discounts, and therapist availability. Some providers on BetterHelp may be in-network with certain health plans for eligible members, and co-pays average about $23 per session. Learn more about insurance coverage.

BetterHelp also offers psychiatry services through UpLift as an additional care option alongside therapy. Psychiatry services may include medication management when clinically appropriate and based on an evaluation by a licensed psychiatric provider. Coverage varies by plan, provider, and therapist availability. Discounts apply to non-insured payments only.