Forgiving Yourself: How To Deal With Guilt In A Healthy Way
Things happen and everyone makes mistakes; it’s part of being human. It's often how we handle them that matters the most. Forgiving yourself for past wrongdoings and learning from your experiences can be powerful tools for personal growth and development. Letting go of guilt and self-doubt can open the door to new possibilities and brighter horizons.
The question is: How to let go of guilt after making a mistake or causing harm? It’s usually a process that may look different for everyone. You can come to forgive yourself for the past and look forward to the future with optimism, but it may take time, patience, self-compassion, and the ability to cope with doubts and difficult moments as they arise. Read on for more information about guilt and self-forgiveness.
Guilt can be defined as self-conscious emotion that may occur when you do something you perceive to be wrong or regretful. Like other emotions aligned with self-consciousness, such as shame and embarrassment, guilt typically arises from self-reflection on past actions. You may feel warranted, reactive guilt and self-blame after causing harm, but not all guilt stems from this source. You could also feel unwarranted guilty feelings arising from a traumatic experience, abuse or manipulation, or a mental health condition. It’s even possible to experience existential guilt for being alive, survivor guilt for making it through a life-threatening experience, or anticipatory guilt before you’ve even done anything wrong.
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On a biological level, guilt is often associated with a release of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, which can trigger physical symptoms such as sweating, muscle tension, an increased heart rate, and trouble sleeping. You may also experience psychological effects of guilt, like feelings of helplessness or powerlessness, self-doubt, shame, and low self-esteem.
Extended periods of unmanaged guilt can also lead to even more serious consequences like depression, anxiety, self-harm, or substance misuse, potentially affecting your physical, mental, and emotional health. Chronic guilt can also make it difficult to make decisions, form or maintain relationships, or open oneself to new possibilities. It can become a negative feedback loop that’s often difficult to break.
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Identifying your guilt and where it comes from can be the first step toward forgiving and freeing yourself from the weight of the past—but understanding guilt and its root causes is often only one part of the journey. The next step may be taking steps to forgive yourself for past wrongdoings and looking to the future with self-compassion and hope.
How to let go of guilt: The power of self-forgiveness
Self-forgiveness can be defined as coming to terms with your past wrongdoings and allowing yourself to move on without feeling weighed down by guilt or shame. It can be a powerful action, as various studies indicate. Research published in the Journal of Counseling Psychology, for instance, suggests that those who can forgive themselves for past mistakes tend to experience greater mental health benefits than those who do not.
Self-forgiveness may help you break the cycle of unhealthy guilt and allow you to rebuild your confidence and show up authentically in relationships. However, the healing process is rarely linear or simple. It may require time, patience, and a variety of strategies. Here are a few tips that may help you get started in letting go of guilt, practicing self-forgiveness, and avoiding making the same mistakes again:
Acknowledge your mistakes. Identifying your past mistakes can help you be more aware of the behaviors that led to them in the first place and encourage you in taking responsibility for your actions. This knowledge may allow you to clarify your values and recalibrate your moral compass to make more conscious decisions in the future.
Learn from your mistakes. Once you’ve passed the stage of acknowledging your mistakes and accepting responsibility, consider what you can carry with you from this experience. How might you avoid making the same mistake in the future?
Create a plan. In some cases, making a plan to expand your perspective, form more positive behavioral habits, or hold yourself accountable for your decisions could be a helpful next step.
Let go. What the final step of forgiving yourself and moving on involves can look different for everyone. Some ideas could include writing a letter to yourself where you extend forgiveness for past wrongs, or engaging in actions that could help repair any relationships that may have been damaged in the process.
How to overcome obstacles to self-forgiveness and avoid making the same mistake
While the steps above can be a helpful framework for working toward self-forgiveness, you may still encounter obstacles along the way. Some tips for overcoming obstacles to self-forgiveness can include:
Addressing feelings of shame and unworthiness. Shame is a powerful emotion that can lead to feelings of worthlessness, self-directed anger, or self-loathing. Recognizing these emotions and getting support in working through them can be key to achieving self-forgiveness.
Practicing mindfulness. Engaging in a regular mindfulness practice may help you learn to recognize when you’re slipping into negative self-talk or distorted thinking so you can curb this tendency and keep moving toward forgiveness.
Repeating positive affirmations. Frequently reciting statements that you want to eventually believe in wholeheartedly can be a helpful practice. Positive affirmations like, “I forgive myself for my past mistakes” or “I extend compassion to myself” may also help you challenge negative thought patterns and create an outlook characterized by more happiness and optimism.
Making amends where possible. Expressing genuine remorse and sadness for your hurtful behavior or words may help you and others affected heal and move forward. Finding ways to make amends for any harm you may have caused could also be paramount to the success of this process.
Navigating guilt with the help of a mental health professional
It can be difficult to travel the path of self-forgiveness on your own, and you deserve support on this journey. Leaning on friends and family members or joining a support group may be helpful. Engaging with a mental health professional like a therapist or clinical psychologist is another option to consider. A therapist can guide you in uncovering the roots of your feelings of guilt, finding healthy ways to process it, working toward self-forgiveness and self-compassion, and coping effectively when additional challenges arise.
Guilt can be a sensitive subject, and some people may find it difficult or intimidating to open up about this topic with a therapist face to face. Doing so via phone or video call may feel easier, which is where online therapy can be useful. With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can meet with a licensed therapist virtually to address the challenges you may be facing.
Findings from a wealth of research studies suggest that cognitive behavioral therapy—one of the most common and well-researched methods of talk therapy—may be as effective when conducted virtually as it is when conducted in person. In other words, if you’re interested in exploring CBT for help managing guilt or shame and working toward self-forgiveness, you can typically choose between online or in-person support.
Takeaway
How do you release yourself from guilt?
Feeling guilty can sometimes be beneficial. When you’ve genuinely done something wrong, a healthy level of guilt can help you recognize your wrongdoings, make amends, and learn from your mistakes. However, when feelings of guilt become excessive or unwarranted, it may be a sign of unhealthy guilt. If you’re finding it difficult to move on from guilt, you may find these strategies helpful:
- Acknowledge your feelings: Feelings of guilt and shame often become worse, not better, when you avoid them. Consider writing about your feelings or confiding in a close friend.
- Evaluate where your guilt comes from: Are you experiencing guilt for something that was legitimately your fault? Or are you experiencing guilt for something that’s out of your control? For example, you may experience survivor’s guilt if you were physically unscathed after being in a traumatic car accident that left your friend seriously injured.
- Offer an apology: If you’re experiencing natural guilt (guilt that occurs when you’ve done something you believe is wrong), you can offer a genuine apology to the person you hurt. Even if they choose not to accept it, offering a sincere apology can provide some closure.
- Hold space for self-compassion: It may feel painful when your actions cause another person harm. However, making a mistake does not destine you to a life of self-condemnation. Learn from your mistakes, accept the consequences, and use positive self-talk to move forward.
If you can’t seem to learn how to let go of guilt, it may be a good idea to reach out to a licensed therapist. Therapists often help clients explore and move forward from complicated sources of guilt, like trauma, religious values, or unhealthy relationship dynamics.
How do I let go of guilt and forgive myself?
Self-forgiveness is the deliberate process of overcoming self-hatred, blame, and shame, and moving towards a place of acceptance and self-love. In practicing self-forgiveness, some philosophers believe that people can find their intrinsic value and worth as a human being, regardless of prior wrongdoings. Though self-forgiveness does not condone harmful mistakes, it can help people move past the ruminations of guilt and towards a happy life.
The four R’s of self-forgiveness may help you move forward from natural guilt (i.e. guilt that develops in response to specific behaviors that caused harm):
- Responsibility: Acknowledge your mistakes and recognize the harm they have caused.
- Remorse: Evaluate your actions, accept your wrongdoings, and remind yourself that your mistakes do not make you a bad person.
- Restoration: Make efforts to repair damage, which may involve apologizing to people you’ve hurt.
- Renewal: Use your mistakes as a learning opportunity and figure out how you can do better in the future.
If you haven’t done something wrong, you can still practice self-forgiveness. Try the following:
- Verbally forgive yourself: For example, if you find yourself feeling guilty about having a chronic illness you could say, “I forgive myself for my chronic illness.” Remind yourself that you matter and you are worthy of self-love.
- Practice self-compassion: Acknowledge that you’re feeling guilty for something that was out of your control, and that you are not to blame. Try talking to yourself the way you would talk to your best friend.
- Give yourself space: It can take time to heal from painful or traumatic experiences. However, leaning into self-forgiveness can help you move towards post-traumatic growth.
How do I stop holding on to guilt?
Chronic guilt, also called a “guilt complex,” is not a diagnosable mental disorder, but it’s a colloquial term for people who have an enduring sense of guilt despite evidence that their guilt is unjustified or overestimated. Chronic guilt may be a feature of some diagnosable psychiatric disorders, including obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), anxiety disorders, depressive disorders, and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Chronic guilt can be caused by many things, including traumatic experiences, adverse childhood experiences, going against cultural norms, or religious values. The following strategies may help you cope with (and eventually move past) guilt:
- Try cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)
- Join a support group
- Practice self-forgiveness
- Learn how to separate thoughts from fact (this is called reality testing)
- Release the expectations of others
- Explore your feelings through journaling
- Develop a supportive social network
- Give meditation, mindfulness, or yoga a try
Does guilt ever go away?
In some circumstances, guilt may only last a few moments. In other situations, guilt may last for years or a lifetime. Factors that may influence how long guilt lasts include:
- The type of guilt: Healthy guilt often resolves quickly once amends have been made. For example, if you make a hurtful comment to a friend, you can likely take corrective actions–like apologizing–and then move forward. However, unhealthy guilt may not be connected to a specific mistake, making it much less likely that there is a corrective action you can take to resolve the feeling.
- The severity of the triggering event: Traumatic events or serious offenses may be more likely to cause long-lasting guilt than less significant events.
- How you handle the guilt: Avoidance and negative self-talk may lead to shame, which is the feeling that there is something wrong with yourself.
Guilt often persists until it is acknowledged and addressed. If you’re finding it difficult to understand or address guilt on your own, it may be a good idea to seek the help of a licensed therapist.
What is toxic guilt?
Toxic guilt is sometimes used interchangeably with terms like chronic guilt, enduring guilt, and guilt complex. These terms are not psychiatric diagnoses, but they refer to significant and persistent guilt that develops when you haven’t done anything wrong. Unlike healthy guilt, toxic guilt is not usually easily resolved.
For example, you may experience toxic guilt if your career path does not align with your parents expectations, or if your sexual orientation is not accepted by your religious organization.
Why do I feel so much guilt?
Healthy guilt can serve a purpose. It can help us distinguish right from wrong, motivate us to take corrective actions (like apologizing for wrongdoings), and help us learn to not repeat the same offense in the future. Healthy guilt can strengthen social relationships and our ability to care for others.
When guilt becomes overwhelming or excessive, it may indicate toxic guilt. In some cases, it may be a symptom of a psychiatric disorder, like obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), anxiety disorders, or depressive disorders.
Though it’s probably a good idea to speak with a therapist if you’re experiencing overwhelming guilt, the following self-help strategies may also help:
- Identify what’s causing your feelings of guilt: Did you do something that went against your morals? Or do your feelings stem from something beyond your control?
- State it: Many people avoid their guilt. By saying to yourself, for example, “I feel guilty about how I treated her,” you can practice acknowledging your feelings.
- Make amends: If you’re experiencing natural guilt, consider how you could make amends. For example, you might start by apologizing to people you hurt.
- Prioritize self-compassion: Give yourself the same compassion you’d show to a close friend. No one is perfect, and you’re deserving of self-compassion and self-forgiveness.
What organ does guilt affect?
Studies have found that guilt commonly alters gastric functioning, swallowing, heart rate, and respiratory rate. However, guilt may have the largest effect on the brain. When you feel guilty, the limbic system (specifically the amygdala and prefrontal cortex) and frontal lobes are activated. Heightened amygdala activation can help explain the link between guilt and anxiety, while prefrontal cortex activation helps drive logical-thinking, which may direct you towards an appropriate corrective action.
Does guilt turn into regret?
Guilt and regret are commonly co-occurring emotions, which can make them difficult to distinguish. Both emotions often arise when you feel responsible for an offense, especially when you believe that you could have avoided the negative outcome by taking a different action. Here’s a breakdown of the two emotions:
- Regret: A negative, aversive emotion, in which you believe that you should have made a different choice in the past to achieve a better outcome.
- Guilt: A negative, self-conscious emotion that something you did or thought was wrong. Typically, guilt motivates people to find a way to apologize or otherwise make amends to mitigate harm. Guilt commonly develops into shame and/or regret.
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