How To "Make" Someone Forget: Coping With Embarrassment And Shame
Mistakes can occur in conversation or during social situations that people might hope to erase from the past. Immediate regret might cause fear, shame, and guilt, and you might worry about irreversible damage. For extended periods, you might agonize over what happened and make every effort possible to cause the individual or group of people to forget what occurred.
Although you can't erase another person's memory, you may be able to distract them from the event, communicate openly, or admit to mistakes. Trying to distract someone or apologize for a challenging behavior may not remove memories or the impact of your actions, but it might help you both move forward.
How to urge someone to forget a positive event
While you may not necessarily feel that you have made a mistake, wanting someone to forget a positive event may occur. For example, perhaps you have planned a surprise, and the person has accidentally encountered some of your plans.
In this case, clear away any visual reminders of the event. Don't write it on a shared calendar, and put away objects related to the occasion. Depending on their excitement, the other person may still be thinking about the upcoming date. If they bring it up to you, switch topics without making it evident that you are avoiding the subject. You can also try the following suggestions.
Take a break
Excuse yourself to go to the restroom or take a break if the individual brings up details about the event or surprise. When you return, ask an engaging question about a new topic. It might be easier to change the subject when the conversation has been paused for a few minutes. The individual may have forgotten or put the topic off until later.
Include others in the conversation
Bring others into the conversation if you're in a group or a public place. The more people participating in a conversation, the more it may veer off-topic.
Reframe the person's perceptions
If you choose a new topic to discuss, pick a minor detail from the other person's statement or question about your surprise and reframe their perspective on your plan. You can make it seem that their initial suspicions were slightly correct but not wholly, veering them away from the main subject.
Go to a new location
If you are conversing in an open location, walk to another room or area with the person. New surroundings may distract from what was being discussed previously, opening the door for you to change the subject. You could say, "I'm so sorry! I'm underneath a vent, and I am cold. Do you mind if we move? "
Be honest
In some cases, the above tactics might not work, and you may struggle to dodge a discussion about a surprise. If this is the case, set a boundary by telling the person you're uncomfortable talking about the event, as you want to keep it a surprise. Explain that you are excited but want to keep the specifics to yourself so they can continue enjoying the anticipation. You don't have to admit to any details you're uncomfortable sharing.
How to cause someone to forget a negative occurrence
Like trying to sway someone's focus on a joyous event, causing them to forget an adverse event may also involve distraction. If you do not owe someone an apology, try to make the unpleasant memory less prominent in their mind by changing the focus.
For example, if you accidentally spilled a drink on yourself in public and the individual keeps making jokes about it, ignore the joke and change the subject. You could match their energy by joking about an external aspect of the environment instead of focusing on yourself.
The longer you replace a negative memory with a positive one, the more the memory may fade. If you do not act as if the memory is embarrassing or shameful to you, the person might drop it. However, if you continuously bring it up, it could become a subject of conversation in future connections with this individual. Below are a few other tips for erasing negative memories from someone's mind.
Reduce stimuli that remind you of the occurrence
As with evading positive memories, you may facilitate forgetting an adverse memory by removing objects or stimuli that remind others of what occurred. People often hold onto memories of senses when adverse events occur. Perhaps they remember the perfume you wore, the color of your clothes, or the specific hat you wore. Avoid these sensory flags until the novelty of the event has worn off.
Remind them of a positive part of the memory
In some cases, you might find that analyzing the situation leaves you with a few positive aspects of the memory. Try to help the individual associate the memory with those aspects. For example, if you accidentally made an embarrassing speech at a party due to drinking and your friend keeps bringing it up, you could tell them about all the aspects you enjoyed about the party. For instance, you might remind them of someone else's more influential speech or one of your favorite foods on the snack table.
Build new positive memories
After you distract someone from the negative aspects of the memory, build new positive memories. You can try reaching out to spend time together, even if you feel embarrassed. In addition, try recreating the initial event. For example, suppose you failed an interview and want the hiring manager to forget your incorrect responses. In that case, you might send an email clarifying your thoughts and professionally asking for a re-do. You can then practice your skills and get ready for a more positive experience.
How to amend a situation when you're at fault
Apologize
Although someone might not forget your actions' impact on them, tell them if you know you were wrong. Follow these steps to try to ensure a sincere apology:
Avoid asking for a favor during your apology.
Apologize once instead of multiple times.
Apologize because you know you made a mistake, not because you want others to drop their accusations. Don't apologize if you didn't make a mistake. Don't offer grand gestures of love or kindness during your apology, as it may be a form of ""love bombing."
Be understanding if the person doesn't accept your apology.
Ask how you can repair your relationship, if necessary.
Give the other person or people space to consider your words.
Don't accuse or blame others, even if they also made mistakes.
Don't ask for their apology in return.
Explain your intentions without defensiveness
You might also choose to explain your intentions when the event occurred. For example, perhaps you made an insensitive comment without thinking and hurt the person's feelings. You can let them know you didn't intend to hurt them and care about them profoundly. Try not to be defensive if they don't accept your apology, and let them know you're available if they're ready to talk in the future.
Give them time
If the individual still feels angry after you've tried the above steps, take a break and consider giving them space. Some people might benefit from time to process before they decide how to respond to your actions. Although it can be uncomfortable to sit with uncertainty, knowing the past cannot be changed may help. Accept what this individual needs to do to process, and try not to urge them to change their thought process before they're ready.
Focus on forgiving yourself
Even if another person cannot forgive you, it may be beneficial to forgive yourself for your actions. Shame and embarrassment often come from a place of wanting to change what happened and feeling that you are "bad" or "wrong" for what occurred. However, labeling yourself may cause your feelings of upset to worsen. Tell yourself you're open to forgiveness, even if the situation doesn't turn out how you want it to. You can choose to make healthier decisions in the future, and you're not alone.
Counseling options
Suppose you are feeling profound shame or experiencing difficulty letting go of a situation you want to forget. In that case, you might benefit from speaking to an impartial professional offering compassionate advice. They may offer a different perspective or fresh ideas to keep communication alive or salvage relationships. You can also try online counseling if you feel too embarrassed to attend in-person therapy.
Online counseling through a platform like BetterHelp can allow you to receive care from a discreet location under a nickname. In addition, you can choose between phone, video, or live chat sessions depending on your needs each time you meet with your therapist. With many platforms offering matching systems, you may be able to find a therapist specializing in behavioral challenges, apologies, and shame.
Studies on internet-based therapy have found significant results in effectiveness comparable to in-person therapy. One study found that 71% of all participants found online therapy more effective, and 90% found it more accessible. In addition, many participants experienced a reduction in symptoms after speaking to a therapist online and reported they would use online therapy again in the future.
Takeaway
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
Below are frequently asked questions about shame and embarrassment surrounding memories and events.
Can you erase a memory?
It can be challenging to erase a memory on your own, and you can't erase someone else's memory for them. However, memories can go away with time and may be malleable in yourself. If you're looking to forget an event, you might try soothing the emotions related to it. Behavioral therapy, exposure therapy, and other forms of cognitive therapies may ease some of the negative experiences associated with long-term memory banks containing trauma, pain, and anxiety.
How do you forget a painful memory?
If you've held onto a painful memory, you might feel controlled by the memory. Whether the memory is unpleasant or is a manifestation of a condition like post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), there are numerous medically reviewed and approved ways to work through these concerns and improve short and long-term health. Therapy may be one way to forget or move through a traumatic or painful memory to reduce its impact on you.
How can I forget an event quickly?
While you might not be able to forget an event that impacted you quickly, you might be able to take steps to manage the emotional response to it. For many people, forgetting is not the same as healing, and the path to healing might involve sorting through symptoms, causes, and reactions to find healthy ways to cope. Studies show that suppressing emotions to forget them might cause further mental or physical damage.
How do you forget an event that bothers you?
While intentionally forgetting memories or unpleasant conversations might seem beneficial, it can be challenging to do so without professional help and might not be effective. One study suggested that actively trying to push away the minutiae of the memory (the smells or sensory input around you at that moment) effectively erased words the study participants had been exposed to. However, this study did not identify whether emotionally charged memories could be as quickly forgotten. More studies on memory may be necessary to understand how this process works.
How do you distract yourself from a memory?
Although you may not be able to forget a bad memory on purpose effectively, there are activities you can try to ease the anxiety associated with a particular memory or refocus your mind. One way you can try to forget the memory is through distraction. A few potentially distracting activities could include:
Rigorous exercise
Yoga
Spending time with friends and family
Playing with your pets
Journaling
Watching your favorite TV show or movie
Writing a poem or a story
Playing a video game
Playing board games or card games with friends
Making a delicious meal or baked goods
Planning a future event, like a wedding
Focusing on positive future events, such as a party you're excited to go to
Going to the mall
Going shopping (in healthy amounts and within your budget)
Visiting an antique shop
Practicing mindfulness or meditation
How can I forget a trauma?
While it may be tempting to forget traumatic memories, it may be impossible to remove them knowingly and purposefully from your mind. However, if you're experiencing traumatic memories due to a condition like post-traumatic stress disorder, there may be ways to reduce the distress these memories cause.
Often, trauma treatment involves directly working through the source of the trauma, soothing the trauma response, and developing healthier coping methods. This process may be completed in various ways, ranging from exposure therapy to eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy, both medically reviewed and effective therapeutic modalities.
PTSD and corresponding traumatic memories can significantly impact one's functioning in daily life. The desire to change memories that cause distress can be valid. Although you cannot erase these memories, a therapist can help you cope with them, avoid them when necessary, and move forward from what happened to you. You're not alone, and support is available.
Can doctors erase your memory?
Doctors cannot erase your memory ethically or medically. Although there may be medical causes for losing your memory, such as amnesia, these causes are not human-caused and can occur for various medical reasons. If you want to forget a distressing event, consider contacting a therapist for compassionate advice and support.
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