How To Tell The Difference Between Lust And Love
When you’re romantically and/or sexually interested in someone, it can be hard to determine whether what you’re feeling is love or lust—especially in the beginning. Since they often involve overlapping experiences and sensations, these two feelings can be confusing and difficult to parse out. That said, there are a few key differences between them.
Simply put, romantic love typically takes time to develop while feelings of lust can arise instantly. In addition, lust is mainly focused on physical and sexual attraction, while love involves deeper care for someone and an emotional, mental, and romantic connection beyond just the physical.
Below, you’ll dive further into these differences and receive a few tips on how to distinguish between the two so you can better assess how you feel about someone.
Love vs. lust: What are they?
While love looks different for everyone, according to the American Psychological Association it is “a complex emotion involving strong feelings of affection and tenderness.” Or, consider the triangular theory of love developed by US psychologist Robert J. Sternberg, which suggests that the three basic components of love are intimacy, passion, and commitment.
Fundamentally, love involves a deep emotional connection along with care and concern for the other’s well-being. It can include sexual or physical connection, but not always—and if it is present, that part of the connection is not typically the primary driver. Lust, in contrast, usually features physical attraction and sexual desire as key components. These desires are so strong for many people that some researchers have compared some aspects of the early phase of romantic relationships to drug addiction.
These two feelings can exist at the same time, but they don’t have to: Someone can feel both love and lust for someone at the same time, or they can feel only love or only lust. In understanding the differences, it may be useful to consider the role of time. Lust can be instant, while love often takes time to develop.
As mentioned above, it is possible to feel lust and love concurrently, which can make things confusing. Typically, though, “love at first sight” is inaccurate—an individual may “fall in lust" with someone at first sight, while love will normally take time and nurturing to grow. If a relationship develops, the initial feeling of lust may fade as deeper feelings of love and care emerge. Unlike lust, love often takes time to develop and will typically be steadier over time.
How can I tell the difference?
With those definitions in mind, then, how can you tell the difference between love and lust in a real-life situation? If you’re finding it difficult to tell which you may be experiencing, whether for a distant acquaintance or your best friend, it could be helpful to consider some of the feelings and sensations below for lust compared to love.
If you’re lusting after someone, you may experience some of these common feelings:
You’re focused on their physical attributes
You may not know them very well, but you feel a strong desire for them
You fantasize about them, focusing on physical or sexual intimacy
You’re not particularly interested in other aspects of their life, such as their interests, passions, or dreams
Deeper discussions feel uncomfortable or unnecessary, and the connection between you two may rely heavily on casual sex or other physical intimacy
When you're falling in love, some of the following may resonate with you:
You want to do things with them beyond just sexual activity, like spending quality time together
You like who they are as a person and you care about how they’re doing
You enjoy spending time with them doing a variety of activities
You are excited about the future together, and you make plans and tell each other your hopes
It feels natural to talk with them and get to know each other deeply
You’re interested in some kind of commitment and continuity of the relationship
The novelty of the relationship may have worn off, but you're having as much or more fun
You understand that the other person is human and flawed rather than putting them on a pedestal
It stays interesting even after the initial lust fades
It can be hard to differentiate lust from love
Navigating romantic relationships in therapy
Even with these definitions and descriptions, determining the difference between love and lust is often easier said than done. Relationships and intimacy in general can be difficult to navigate. It can become more complicated for some individuals if they act on lust and start sleeping with someone before working through what it means for them. and it can sometimes be helpful to get an objective, third-party perspective on what you’re feeling. If you think your relationship wellness could benefit from additional support, you might consider speaking to a therapist. They can offer you a safe space where you can express and process your emotions so you can better understand how you feel about someone.
With topics like love and lust, the situation can vary widely from one person to the next—which is why it can help to find a therapist who suits your specific needs. When you get started with online therapy through BetterHelp, you’ll be asked to fill out a quick questionnaire about your preferences and the kind of help you’re seeking so you can get matched with a licensed therapist whom you feel comfortable with. You can then meet with them via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging to address the challenges you may be facing. Research suggests that online therapy is “no less efficacious” than traditional, in-person methods, so you can typically choose whichever format works best for you.
Takeaway
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
Below are some commonly asked questions on this topic:
What are some signs of lust?
A few signs of lust can include physical excitement, physical attraction, sexual desire, deep eye contact, frequent physical touch, appreciation for their physical appearance, and a general desire for sexual intimacy, among other things.
How do you stop lust?
Lust is generally considered to be a natural feeling, but sometimes it can spiral out of control and/or cause disruptions. For instance, if you find yourself constantly experiencing lust or confusing lust for love and diving into relationships too quickly, you may want to take steps to address it. To start, you might consider learning more about the differences between lust and love to help yourself recognize what you’re feeling. You may also find journaling about your feelings to be useful. For additional support, it may benefit you to meet with a therapist.
Can lust ever turn into love?
You may hear about people starting as friends and then becoming romantic partners, but what about the opposite? Can pure lust turn into romantic love? The answer is yes; it’s possible. As mentioned above, lust and love can exist at the same time, and sexual intimacy is often a key part of many—though not all—romantic relationships. It’s entirely possible for two people to begin a connection through lust, and then grow closer, get to know each other better, bond on a deeper level, and cultivate romantic love over time.
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