Love And War: How To Find Peace In Your Relationship

Constant fighting with your partner can result in significant relationship distress. Love and “war” can both play a part in your relationship. Finding the right balance and learning the right way to fight may be the key to getting along well with your loved one.

Do all couples fight?

Not all couples argue on a regular basis. Some seem to agree more often than not. Still, no two people want the same things all the time. There are bound to be disagreements during a relationship. If couples don't take the time to work things out, resentment may build and cause larger concerns. The couple could develop a very unhealthy relationship marred by passive-aggressive behavior and emotional distance.

It is not normal to have regular all-out screaming fights with your partner that leave one or both of you in distress. While disagreement is a natural part of all relationships, abuse of any kind – verbal or physical – is not normal and should not be tolerated. If you find that your partner is regularly screaming at you, picking fights just to yell, disparaging you or the people or things you love and care about to make points, or hurting you in any way, it may be time to reconsider whether this is a relationship that you want to remain in. 

If you believe you may be a victim of domestic abuse, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). They are available 24/7. 

Why do we fight in relationships?

Couples argue about so many different things over the course of a relationship. The following are the most common disagreements that keep us from experiencing peace, love, and happiness with our partners.

Money

People in a relationship often find money problems the most difficult to resolve. When money is tight, both are competing for limited resources. Even when there's plenty of money to go around, though, each person may have their own ideas about what it should be spent on and how much should be saved.

Money in and of itself isn't a primary human need. But without it, it's hard to meet your survival needs like food, water, and shelter. Because of that, a lack of control over your finances can make you feel extremely vulnerable.

Housework

In many cultures, it was traditional for most women to do the housework and most men to go off to a job. Now, partners negotiate who does what on a more equal footing. When housework isn’t done in a timely manner or one partner feels overwhelmed with household responsibilities, partners often end up blaming each other for the stress and resulting mess.

What to do with free time

Even free time can present a problem: What do you do with it? Do you spend time on your own interests, or take time to be with your partner? If you do decide to do something together, you must agree on the activity.

Time together has the potential to be pleasurable and relaxing. It can increase peace, love, happiness, and togetherness. Instead, some couples find themselves arguing over the type of activity they’ll do, where they'll do it, and whom they’ll take along. Vacations can prove difficult, too, both in the planning and during the vacation.

Physical intimacy

The way you and your partner build physical intimacy depends on who you are as individuals. One person might enjoy experimenting with sex, while another might like things to be more traditional, for example. One of you might like cuddling, but the other may not. How you navigate these differences can result in conflict.

Personal preferences

Couples can sometimes fight over some of the most insignificant things. We fight about whether to hang the toilet tissue over or under, how to stack dishes in the dishwasher, and how much gas to put in the car. While there might not really be a right or wrong way to do these things, we each have our preferences about the little details in life, and this can cause conflict.

Benefits of arguing

There are some benefits to arguing with your partner from time to time.

The course of an argument

Arguments usually follow a common course. In each part of an argument, you have opportunities to work toward a happy resolution.

Challenge

An argument starts with a challenge. The person who has a grievance lets their partner know what their complaint is. Here, you have a choice. You can state the challenge like an accusation. If you do, the stage is set for a nasty fight.

Your other option is to approach your partner with sincerity and gentleness. Tell them what's wrong, taking the attitude that the complaint is a problem that you can solve together. Then, give them time to listen and consider what you've said.

Opposition

The argument might dissolve if the other partner agrees, apologizes, and offers an acceptable resolution. If they don't do these things, they may continue the conflict and opposition. When opposition comes in the form of personal attacks, the argument turns ugly. You can avoid that by offering your opinion reasonably and lovingly. Remember that this is the person you love, not a debate opponent. Consider their feelings and fight fairly.

Challenged person opposes response

Once you understand that your partner doesn't agree with your assessment of the situation, it's tempting to fight back. At that point, you may negate everything they've said. You might expand the argument to other areas of disagreement. Before you know it, you're reassessing the entire relationship when all you originally wanted to do was resolve a single point of disagreement.

Resolution

If you keep your focus on the original point of the argument, you can work toward finding a resolution that's acceptable to both of you. On the other hand, if you're more concerned about winning the argument, you may never address the real issue.

Better ways of fighting

You can learn to fight in more effective ways. In the context of a relationship, an effective argument is one that leads to peace and understanding between the partners.

Start with agreement

If you're upset about your partner's stance on an event, behavior, or concept, there's nothing wrong with bringing it up with them. Do it gently, though. Start with something you agree on. For example, if you each want a different car, you can start by offering an agreement that you do need a car.

Listen to understand

Too often, we meet our partner's challenges with an attitude of listening to argue. If you want to resolve the argument in a way that brings you together, though, you need to listen with the intent to hear what they're expressing and understand it as well as you can.

Avoid "never" and "always"

It's important not to exaggerate your challenge or response. When you use black-and-white terms like "always" or "never," you don't just exaggerate your claims, you also decrease your believability.

Stay focused on the present

Don't get caught up in the trap of bringing up old grievances after you've explained a current problem. You might think these past hurts will prove your point. They usually don't. Instead, they are more likely to push you further apart. Forgive the past, and work on what's happening in your relationship now. Practicing this mindfulness not only keeps you together, but it can also bring you closer.

Consider underlying issues

Your partner might seem overly upset about a small detail. If so, consider whether there's an underlying issue they're concerned with. They may complain about having to mow the lawn, but their frustration might come from having to deal with chronic pain.

Remember why you're in the relationship

Why are you with your partner, anyway? If your partner is important to you, avoid driving them away with unreasonable and hurtful arguments. When you need to work out a problem, remember that your main goal is to nurture the relationship.

Accept individual differences

You don’t have to agree on everything. Accept that your partner won't always change their mind just to please you. Respect their opinions, whether you agree with them or not.

What to do if you can't find peace

You may love your partner very much. Still, if you can't find peace, love, and understanding between the two of you, the relationship can become unhealthy very quickly. Self-awareness can help you improve your communication within the relationship. As you get better at arguing in productive ways, your relationship will almost certainly improve.

Not everyone can resolve relationship issues on their own. To prevent an inevitable love hangover, a trained therapist can help with understanding the underlying issues. They can help you deal with your thoughts and behaviors surrounding your partner and teach you effective communication skills. 

If you’re experiencing issues in your relationship, it could cause feelings of shame and embarrassment. These negative emotions can present a barrier to treatment. After all, it’s not easy to bare your soul to a stranger, especially in a clinical setting like a therapist’s office. Online counseling may be a feasible alternative for overcoming these hesitations. It could be easier to talk about conflicts with your partner from the comfort of your home. 

If you’re considering online therapy, a study has shown that it’s just as effective as face-to-face therapy. In some cases, couples found online therapy more productive because they were able to focus on their issues more intently. They also reported feeling less judged than they would have with traditional therapy. Overall, although there was a screen between them and the therapists, clients had a more positive experience with online therapy. 

You can get couples counseling or individual therapy online through BetterHelp. You'll be matched to a licensed counselor who can guide you and support you as you make changes. You’ll be able to meet with a professional at a time that works for you and wherever you feel most comfortable. 

Read below for some reviews of BetterHelp counselors from people experiencing similar issues.

Counselor reviews

Izabela is AMAZING. Since I've started working with her, I have begun to sort out my emotions revolving around past traumas, I've become more aware of what I'm feeling and my communication skills have improved immensely, which have really improved my relationship with my husband.

Kim has been very helpful to me in navigating through some stressful personal and relationship challenges. She's very well qualified but also compassionate and caring. I would gladly recommend her to anyone.