The Relationship Between Avoidant Personality Disorder And Intimacy

Avoidant personality disorder (AVPD) often involves symptoms like low self-esteem, an intense fear of rejection, and more. Trouble with intimacy is another possible symptom that may lead individuals with AVPD to avoid expressing their thoughts, needs, and boundaries with friends or partners. Therapy can often help those with AVPD adjust their thoughts and beliefs to be more constructive, empowering them to improve their communication skills and relationships. 

What is avoidant personality disorder?

Avoidant personality disorder, sometimes called AVPD, is thought to affect around 1.5% to 2.5% of the population. 

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), a guide by the American Psychiatric Association, lists AVPD as a “cluster C” personality disorder. Cluster C personality disorders typically involve feelings of fear or anxiety that affect the ways people live their lives. Other examples of cluster C disorders include obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD, which differs from obsessive-compulsive disorder or OCD) and dependent personality disorder. 

The pervasive pattern and when it typically begins

AVPD typically involves extreme shyness and a fear of rejection that often starts early in life and becomes a pervasive pattern. People with AVPD may go out of their way to avoid social situations or situations where they might be criticized or disliked. Common symptoms of AVPD may include the following:

• Fearing humiliation, rejection, or criticism
• Avoiding activities that involve significant interpersonal contact
• Becoming easily embarrassed in social situations
• Being afraid of making mistakes, especially when interacting with others
• Having a sense of being “socially inept”
• Having low self-esteem
• Avoiding relationships
• Needing reassurance that others won’t respond to them negatively
• Feeling responsible for others' emotions

Why people with AVPD can want connection but avoid it

People with AVPD often desire emotional closeness and social connection. As a result, they may feel lonely or isolated when they avoid social situations. Social isolation has been linked to stress, sleep problems, and a higher risk of heart disease. Loneliness due to AVPD may also contribute to other mental health challenges, like depression, anxiety, and substance use disorder.

How AVPD affects intimacy and close relationships

Now that you understand avoidant personality disorder, you might wonder about the effects it can have on intimacy in close relationships. While no two couples are the same, it can be common for AVPD to create challenges for couples. 

Emotional unavailability and conflict reluctance

For people with AVPD who enter relationships, intimacy can still be a challenge. The same 2023 paper notes that a common feature of AVPD is “restraint in intimate relationships in fear of ridicule.” People with AVPD may struggle to say what they really think or express their physical and emotional needs. These behaviors often stem from a fear of criticism and rejection, but they can lead to challenges in intimate relationships, including conflict reluctance and emotional unavailability. 

For example, someone with AVPD might be less likely to communicate their boundaries to their romantic partner. As a result, their partner might unknowingly violate their boundaries, potentially leading to stress and resentment.

Other possible intimacy-related challenges for people with AVPD include those listed below:

• Avoiding emotional or sexual interactions out of fear of judgment
• Having trouble expressing concerns or opinions
• Being extremely sensitive to their partner’s body language, tone of voice, and other social cues
• Avoiding difficult conversations
• Avoiding potential relationship conflicts
• Being reluctant to share personal details, thoughts, and feelings with their partner
• Having trouble relaxing around their partner

Challenges like these may make it harder to establish and maintain physical and emotional connections in a romantic relationship. 

Emotional intimacy and emotional safety in an AVPD relationship

For someone with AVPD, emotional intimacy may not look the way most people expect it to. It may still be present, and the person may still desire it, but for someone with AVPD, this type of closeness may be more subtle and fragile. Understanding what emotional safety can mean to someone with AVPD can help their partner express love in ways that make them feel safe.

What emotional intimacy looks like in practice

Emotional intimacy with someone who has AVPD can appear in small moments. Some possible examples include: 

• Sharing a piece of personal information that they have never shared before
• Initiating physical contact, even sitting next to someone or holding their hand
• Expressing their opinion instead of deferring to their partner’s
• Continuing a conversation even though they are uncomfortable

How to express love in low-threat ways

For someone with AVPD, emotional safety can mean getting close in a way that won’t lead to rejection. Partners of people with AVPD may cultivate this type of security by keeping their reactions calm and predictable and avoiding pressure, which can ultimately trigger shame and ultimately lead to withdrawal.

It can be beneficial for the partners of people with AVPD to express their affection through acts of service, specific affirmations, and by giving them the space they need. Grand gestures may be overwhelming, and overt and grandiose proclamations of affection can leave them feeling stressed.

AVPD partner and non-AVPD partner needs

In a relationship, when one partner has AVPD, it can make it difficult for both partners to have their needs met. Both the person with AVPD and their non-AVPD partner may want closeness and connection, but the AVPD partner may be scared of it and be unable to give their partner the closeness they need. While the dynamics can be different, these insecurities can also appear in relationships with close friends and family members.

Common needs and fears on both sides

Because of this dynamic, each partner may have different needs and fears about the relationship.

The partner with AVPD may need an understanding partner who doesn’t push too hard for intimacy and a low-drama, predictable relationship. It can take time to build trust, and they may need reassurance that they can make mistakes without suffering catastrophic consequences. They may fear:

• Being rejected
• Being seen by their partner as flawed
• Making mistakes because they feel it makes them appear inadequate
• Facing conflict, as it may feel like a precursor to abandonment

The partner without AVPD may have completely different needs. For example, they may need to feel genuinely wanted, including their partner making an attempt to show them affection. While they may understand that their partner can have difficulty showing affection, they are also likely to need to see some progress toward openness over time and to feel that their own needs are valid. 

The non-AVPD partner may fear: 

• That they are not truly wanted or loved
• That they are being permanently shut out
• That they will never get through to their partner
• That they will lose their partner despite trying to make the relationship work

Open communication scripts and repair steps

For couples coping with the effects of AVPD, knowing the challenges is one thing, but understanding how to manage them and talk about them can be another. Here are some ideas for starting these challenging conversations.

Conversation starters that reduce shame

For someone with AVPD, being completely up front and honest can help avoid shame and stop them from feeling like they are being judged. For example, they may say:

• I want to let you know that I have been feeling a little stressed lately. 
• I would like you to know that I am feeling a little insecure at the moment. 
• I just wanted to check in with you to make sure we’re okay. 

The partner of someone with AVPD can also help reduce shame with the following conversation starters: 

• I want to talk to you about how I’m feeling. You don’t have to fix it; I just want to share with you.
• I am not blaming you for anything; I just want us to understand each other better.
• Something feels off between us, and I just want to talk about it before it gets out of hand.

How to handle conflict without escalation

Someone with AVPD may respond to a negative evaluation by withdrawing, and they may avoid conflict because they feel their partner’s feelings are their responsibility. There are a number of phrases that can be used to de-escalate conflict that can be helpful in this situation, including: 

• Let’s take a second to think through this together.
• I need a minute to calm down, then I would like to talk about this constructively.
• I would like to work through this as a team to find common ground.
• I can see where you’re coming from. 
• I can understand why you feel this way. 
• Do you see where I am coming from?

How to ask for reassurance without pushing

Someone with AVPD may see themselves as inferior or otherwise personally unappealing, which can make them seek reassurance from their partner, sometimes frequently. Some ways to get reassurance without seeming pushy can be: 

• I am feeling a little insecure, not because of anything you did, but just because that’s where I am right now.
• I would like to spend some time together soon to reconnect.
• Can we make some time to check in with one another soon? I need a little reassurance.

Avoidant attachment vs avoidant personality disorder

Avoidant attachment style and avoidant personality disorder have some overlapping characteristics. Understanding the difference between the two can be crucial to ensuring that someone displaying avoidant behaviors receives appropriate support.

Similarities and key differences

Both avoidant attachment and AVPD involve discomfort with vulnerability and emotional withdrawal. A possible distinction between them can be their scope. Avoidant attachment is a relationship pattern that shapes how someone behaves in relationships, but it generally does not impact other areas of their life. Conversely, because AVPD is a personality disorder, it can be a pervasive pattern that impacts multiple areas of someone’s life, including social functioning and work. For example, someone with either anxious attachment or AVPD may pull back from a relationship when they feel they are getting too close to someone or withdraw out of fear, but for someone with AVPD, these fears may extend to other areas of their life and keep them from applying for a job or working with a co-worker on a project.

When patterns suggest a broader mental health condition

Attachment styles, such as avoidant attachment, are ways of describing behaviors believed to be related to how our primary caregivers interacted with us in infancy. It is not considered a mental health condition. However, AVPD is a clinical diagnosis with specific diagnostic criteria spelled out in the DSM. Symptoms generally begin in early adulthood and cause significant distress and impairment across multiple areas of life.

Other comorbidities and lookalikes

Comorbidities are common with AVPD and include major depressive disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and anxiety disorder, particularly social phobia. Co-occurring personality disorders are also possible. For example, the differential diagnosis for AVPD and borderline personality disorder (BPD) can both involve intense fear of abandonment and painful sensitivity to how others perceive them, but they can appear differently in each condition. People with AVPD may be more likely to withdraw from relationships, while those with BPD may be more likely to escalate and urgently pursue a connection when they feel vulnerable.

Symptoms such as feelings of inadequacy, inhibition, and hypervigilance can appear in various mental health conditions. If you are experiencing any concerning symptoms that are impacting your daily life or your ability to maintain or form relationships, it can be beneficial to speak to a qualified healthcare provider for a personal interview and evaluation to ensure you receive appropriate treatment.

Getting relationship support when you have an avoidant personality disorder

Intimacy can be intimidating when you have AVPD, whether you’d like to be in a relationship or you’re in one already. That said, it may be possible to reduce your symptoms—including trouble with intimacy—with the right support. Studies have found that, with treatment, as many as 50% of people diagnosed with AVPD will no longer meet the criteria for the disorder after 10 years. That’s why, if you haven’t already, you may want to consider starting treatment. 

According to the National Library of Medicine, therapy is typically considered the most effective treatment for AVPD. For example, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) generally focuses on helping individuals change negative thoughts and beliefs that are affecting their behavior. This may be a helpful option if AVPD is creating challenges in your relationships. Working with a therapist may also help you manage any other mental health concerns you may be experiencing. 

If you struggle with social interactions due to AVPD, finding a therapist you can open up to might be a challenge. Online therapy may help. On platforms like BetterHelp, you can change therapists whenever you’d like, for any reason, which may make it easier to find one with whom you are comfortable working. 

Research shows that online therapy may benefit people living with AVPD. According to a 2022 study, online therapy may be an effective intervention for individuals with personality disorders. In addition, existing evidence suggests that online therapy can produce the same results as traditional face-to-face therapy.