Mind If We Talk? Season 2: How to Help Someone When They're Down

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Welcome to Episode 9 of Mind If We Talk? Season 2

Mind If We Talk? is an original mental health podcast created by BetterHelp and Acast Creative Studios that opens up real conversations about life's challenging moments, and how therapy can help us navigate them. Over the course of 10 episodes, Season 2 brings two people together to share different perspectives on experiences that are deeply felt, yet rarely discussed. Through guided conversation, guests reflect on what they wish others understood about their inner world and what it means to truly listen and be seen. Each episode is hosted by Dr. Sreela Roy-Greene, a licensed BetterHelp therapist, who gently guides the conversation and offers therapeutic insight along the way.

Episode 9: How to Help Someone When They're Down

We all want to help the people we love, but when someone is struggling, knowing what to say or do isn't always easy. In this episode, host and therapist Sreela Roy-Greene sits down with BetterHelp therapist Hannah Heitz to explore how to support someone through a difficult time without trying to "fix" them. Drawing on insights from BetterHelp's latest State of Stigma report, the two discuss why so many people still hesitate to seek help, how to recognize the subtle signs that someone may be struggling, and why simply showing up with curiosity, compassion, and consistency can make all the difference.

Why do we know therapy matters, but not seek it for ourselves?

SREELA:

The State of Stigma report found that talking to a therapist or taking care of our mental health is incredibly important -- it matters. However, a lot of those same people who say therapy is needed for everybody are also people who maybe aren't seeking therapy for themselves. What do you think is part of that disconnect?

HANNAH:

Such a great question. And I'm really glad the State of Stigma highlighted this incongruence -- between what we know to be true and what we say to be true for other people, versus what we believe to be true for ourselves. I think it really touches on this idea of internalized stigma. There are so many of these ideas that can permeate our minds around why it might not be for us, or why we might not even feel like we deserve it.

SREELA:

A lot of people feel like it's not for me, or I don't even know where to begin, or I'm too much. There's almost this, but there are people who really need help, and I don't wanna take away from that.

HANNAH:

Absolutely. Feeling stuck in how to even get started, right? And getting care, or where to go, or who's a good fit -- all these added layers on top of the internalized stigma make it really hard to actually take that first step.

How to open the door for someone who's struggling

SREELA:

A lot of folks have loved ones they want to support -- they see the need for it. What would be some key takeaways around how to support someone they feel needs help?

HANNAH:

Some of the things I would start with would really just be to acknowledge and comment on what you're observing. Say something like, "Hey, I've noticed things are maybe seeming a bit off for you, or just wanted to check in with how you're feeling." Not leading with, hey, I think you need therapy -- but starting at a really low level and just opening the door to a conversation, a space where they can feel heard.

SREELA:

It sounds really simple, but sometimes it's simply saying, I'm worried about you. I've noticed that you're not yourself lately. Is there anything I can do? Or, do you want help getting help? Because if somebody is in distress emotionally, they may not know where to begin -- they're not thinking clearly a lot of times.

Signs vs. patterns: what to actually look for

SREELA:

Outward signs of distress aren't always obvious -- they're usually very subtle. Are there any signs people should look out for that signal distress?

HANNAH:

Not to get too semantic, but I think of patterns. Often there might be a sign and it's something temporary -- maybe someone just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. But when it turns into something you're repeatedly seeing and noticing, that's when this pattern is starting to make me wonder. Growing up, my sign that I was a bit anxious at school was that I would tighten my ponytail -- so hard it would move from one side of my head to the other. But it can also look like someone being irritable or a bit snappy.

SREELA:

It's especially important for our listeners to realize it's any small pattern of deviation from that person's norm -- not your norm. For me, it's I get very quiet and withdrawn if I'm having a hard time. And when that gets picked up on, there's an immediate, is everything okay?

"We sometimes overlook or dismiss those little patterns, but it's so important to keep them in mind." -- Sreela Roy-Greene

Is irritability a warning sign?

SREELA:

Interestingly, the patterns we saw in our search data spoke to irritability -- the actual quote, "why am I so angry all the time?" Do you think irritability can be an early warning sign for people who are struggling?

HANNAH:

Absolutely. I think it really depends on your identities, how you show up in the world. But anger can feel like a safer emotion to feel than feeling hurt, feeling sad, feeling vulnerable. To feel angry can feel a bit more like armor that you can put on, rather than really acknowledging some of those deeper, more painful emotions.

SREELA:

Anger is a little bit more motivating, a little bit more protective. Whereas shame, guilt, fear, anxiety -- those are the feelings we're like, ah, we don't wanna admit it, because those are scary and vulnerable. I think of animals -- they don't wanna show their belly unless they feel safe. Anger's a lot easier.

"Anger can feel like a safer emotion to feel than feeling hurt, feeling sad, feeling vulnerable." -- Hannah Heitz

Helping someone move past the anger

SREELA:

How do we help somebody transition to really getting to the meat and potatoes of it -- past that anger and to the deeper emotions they may be afraid to talk about?

HANNAH:

What comes to mind first for me is really just modeling vulnerability in oneself -- showing this other person that you're willing to do it, you're willing to be that vulnerable, and having that conversation just modeling what that looks like and feels like.

SREELA:

I love the mirroring, the modeling. Also being able to offer multiple times -- because sometimes the first time's not always the charm. Sometimes it's 10 times the charm. Just constantly reinforcing, I'm here when you're ready.

You can't fix it for them -- but you can walk beside them

HANNAH:

When we have someone we care about who's struggling, it's first those actions we've talked about -- checking in, simply showing up. And also being aware that no matter how much you care about somebody who's struggling, you can't fix and solve what they're going through. You can be there as a support, but there is only so much we can do. You can't sacrifice your own wellbeing in that process either.

SREELA:

No one can fix it except for the individual who's going through it, but you can walk beside them. Even as therapists, there have definitely been times I just want to jump in and fix it for my client -- but I can't. It's so overwhelming and frustrating to be a bystander. But we don't have to be a bystander. We can be a support.

"No one can fix it except for the individual who's going through it. But you can walk beside them, even if you can't walk in their shoes." -- Sreela Roy-Greene

What not to say

SREELA:

What are some unhelpful things that people may do or say?

HANNAH:

I think so often the unhelpful comments folks make are coming from a place of love and care. Some of the ones that come to mind: oh, you'll be fine. It's no big deal, everyone goes through this. It's not that bad. Be grateful for what you have. And the minimization -- you can almost see it's coming from a place of trying to help someone keep perspective. But it's not that simple when you're already bogged down and weighed down.

SREELA:

Oh, that's my other favorite -- this too shall pass.

"I'm aware of the fact that this will pass, but right now, when I'm in the moment, it's really not that simple. I wish it was that simple." -- Sreela Roy-Greene

How stigma has shifted, not disappeared

SREELA:

One of the report's biggest takeaways is that stigma hasn't disappeared -- it's just evolved. What it looks like today is feeling like we should handle things more on our own, not burden other people. What do you think modern mental health stigma looks like today versus 20 years ago?

HANNAH:

It's shifted, and it's not gone. I think while public perception has shifted, the work of changing that internalized perception is still there, and it's rooted in something much deeper -- something cultural. Especially cultural norms here in the US around pull yourself up by your bootstraps, where it's expected that we can handle everything on our own. Historically, as humans, we are meant to be in community, meant to need help.

SREELA:

Across the US, the UK, and Germany, there's a similar pattern -- most people support mental health, but the stigma shows up differently. There's an "I don't wanna be a burden" theme in the UK, and a stronger emphasis on staying private in Germany. What do these similarities and differences imply about how stigma is evolving in cultures?

HANNAH:

Stigma is so context dependent. I think about, okay, if we know this is one of the narratives that's especially true in a certain culture, how do we monitor it within ourselves? How do we acknowledge if this may be an assumption or bias that's really common to our culture or experience, that's getting in our way of getting help -- or getting in the way of a loved one getting help?

The fear of opening the door to therapy

SREELA:

How can we support and encourage people to ask for that help, without pressure, without judgment? It should be a space where you don't feel judged, where you have somebody in your corner. It takes time. It's not overnight. There are gonna be days you're gonna walk out of therapy and not feel maybe great, but you're gonna grow -- the discomfort is normal because you're being vulnerable.

HANNAH:

I've heard folks describe it as this fear of opening Pandora's box, and therapy being the opening of the box. But thinking in the long game -- how will this impact me? What does this mean for me to maybe not feel anger, but actually feel the hurt underneath, and be able to process that and move forward and show up differently?

"The fear of opening Pandora's box -- and therapy being the opening of the box." -- Hannah Heitz

A moment that stays with Hannah

SREELA:

Can you think of a time you've felt inspired by somebody finally getting the help they wanted?

HANNAH:

Oh my God, I can think of so many. I can think of one particular client in his 70s -- a couple sessions in, he had tears in his eyes and said, how have I waited this long to come in? I didn't realize I could feel differently. Even thinking about that person makes me tear up. Because we think of what all can happen when we open the door and move past the initial fear of stigma we might hold, and go there and get that help and see what's on the other side.

"How have I waited this long to come in? I didn't realize I could feel differently." -- A client, as shared by Hannah Heitz

SREELA:

And when you finally take that peek, you're like, I didn't even realize. My favorite thing about being a therapist is seeing that aha of, wow, I figured that out, or I got here. And once you're there, it isn't about looking backwards and saying why did I do this sooner -- it's about being able to say, I can move forward, and I have a totally different mindset.

Key takeaways for showing up

HANNAH:

Really showing up for each other -- as curious, as validating, as listening -- to other folks who may need us, and to ourselves and what we need. And that stigma is still around. We've made such strides in how we view mental health societally that we assume a lot of people don't hold the stigma, but it's still there. Lastly, it's really never too late to get help, and help is available.

SREELA:

We're a lot less alone than we think we are. You can't necessarily do the work for somebody else or walk in their shoes specifically, but you can walk alongside them. And making sure that when you are expressing concerns for somebody you care about, you're making space for them in small ways, so they know they're not alone. Not saying, oh, you'll get over it -- it's not about getting over it, it's getting through it.

CREDITS:

SREELA:

I want to give a big thank you to BetterHelp for their passion for this project, and for giving us a platform to champion the well-being in all of us. Mind If We Talk is produced by Acast Creative Studios in collaboration with BetterHelp, and hosted by me, Sreela Roy-Greene. If you like what you just heard, drop us a review on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, and share the episode with your friends! Maybe one of our topics will help someone in your life. And remember, your happiness matters.

Mind If We Talk is intended for entertainment and education, not for mental health diagnosis or medical advice.