Protect Your Mental Health: Unhealthy Relationship And Abuse Signs
No relationship is perfect all the time. Both healthy and unhealthy relationships experience moments of discord and disagreement. These instances may not mean that a relationship is unhealthy, but may simply be a part of the natural ebb and flow of human interaction. However, there are warning signs that may be helpful to be aware of that indicate a potentially toxic relationship.
What is an unhealthy relationship?
Unhealthy relationships can be characterized by various behaviors, including:
- Control
- Dishonesty
- Dependence
- Disrespect
- Intimidation
- Abuse
Not every unhealthy or abusive relationship looks the same. Some signs may be subtle, while others are more overt. For example, one person may be constantly dismissed by their partner or have their needs ignored, while others may be coping with behavior that could be considered abusive and dangerous.
Unhealthy vs abusive relationship
All abusive relationships can be considered unhealthy, but not all unhealthy relationships are abusive.
An abusive relationship can manifest in many ways. It can involve physically harming a partner, sexual assault, or other words or actions that are intended to hurt.
It can be important to remember that, even when two partners want to make a relationship work, abuse is never acceptable. Recognizing that your relationship has reached a point where things have gone wrong and the extent to which it is impacting your life can be the first step toward ensuring your safety and improving your overall well-being.
5 signs you may be in an unhealthy relationship
The most common signs of an unhealthy relationship include:
Communication that harms instead of helps
Effective verbal communication can be a key part of a healthy relationship, but there can be a significant difference between not knowing how to talk to one another effectively and putting your partner down or engaging in abuse.
Verbal abuse and harassment are major warning signs of an unhealthy relationship. Verbal abuse, which could manifest as name-calling, put-downs, derogatory remarks, constant criticism, or belittlement, can leave deep emotional scars. This form of abuse can potentially erode self-esteem and instigate feelings of worthlessness.
Harassment often entails aggressive pressure or intimidation, frequently leaving the person feeling trapped and helpless. The abuser might also use manipulative language to make their partner doubt their perceptions and feelings, a tactic often referred to as gaslighting. This form of abuse can leave individuals feeling confused, helpless, and doubting their self-worth. Everyone deserves respect, and any form of abuse or harassment is unacceptable in a relationship.
2. Dishonesty and blame
Trust is an essential element of a healthy relationship; dishonesty and blame can erode that trust, which can have long-lasting, deep impacts. When a partner behaves in an intentionally dishonest way, whether they’re omitting details or hiding things, trust can be lost and be difficult to recover.
It can also be damaging when someone refuses to take responsibility for their own actions, deflecting or shifting blame to something or someone else. For example, if your partner is wrongly accusing you of overreacting or lying when you bring up something that is worrying you about the relationship, it can feel like they are looking to shift blame more than they are interested in improving the relationship. In addition to making communication more challenging, these accusations can also make the partner question their own interpretation of reality, which can impact long-term mental health.
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3. Control disguised as care
It can be easy to mistake controlling behavior for love, especially in the early stages of a relationship. It may seem flattering if someone is making an effort to stay in constant contact. For example, you may feel that they’re being protective of you when they want to know where you are, who you’re with, and what you’re doing at all times.
However, when a partner tries to convince you to stop spending time with certain friends or to change other behaviors, such as what you wear or where you go, it may be more about control than care or support. In an unhealthy relationship, it may be common for one person to take control while the other shrinks to fit into the other’s world.
4. Manipulation and passive aggression
Manipulation can be another sign of an unhealthy relationship, but it is not always easy to identify. Sometimes, it may be overt, but a manipulative partner can also express their anger or dissatisfaction in passive-aggressive ways, like starting rumors, making backhanded remarks, giving you the silent treatment, or turning people against you. This type of behavior may make you feel responsible for your partner’s emotions or reactions, which can lead you to apologize or accept responsibility for things that aren’t your fault.
5. Repeated betrayal or disrespect
Everyone makes mistakes, but betrayal and disrespect can be a pattern that shouldn’t be ignored. For example, you can assume that a cheating ex who promised to change but continued to cheat, or a partner who is constantly caught in lies, has shown you who they really are. Ongoing betrayal or disrespect in the form of humiliating you or doing things that they know are wrong or hurtful can wear down your sense of self-esteem over time, and the relationship may be doing more harm than good.
Is it a rough patch or a pattern?
No relationship is perfect, but understanding whether you and your partner are going through a rough patch or are dealing with unhealthy patterns can help you determine if it is worth putting in the relationship work needed to heal or if it is better to break up.
What a healthy relationship at work looks like
Healthy relationship work can vary depending on what the relationship needs, but the following are things that couples can improve if they put in the effort and work together:
- Engaging in open communication and active listening
- Enjoying quality time together
- Supporting one another’s individual growth
- Problem-solving
- Planning and setting goals
- Adapting and being more flexible
When it is not fixable
There are also certain situations in which it may not be possible to fix a relationship. The following patterns may indicate that it may be best to move on:
- Any type of abuse. Abusive behavior, like physical harm, mental or emotional abuse, or sexual assault, is a serious wrong that cannot be repaired. If you are experiencing domestic violence, help is available. Please contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
- Trust is broken. Repeated dishonesty or betrayal can permanently change the relationship, and there may no longer be a solid foundation to rebuild on.
- Only one person is willing to do the work. Relationships are unlikely to heal if partners are not willing to work together to overcome challenges.
- You feel unsafe. If you feel unsafe in any way, it can be a sign that your relationship has crossed a line and that repair may not be possible.
Finding the right therapist isn’t just important – it’s everything.
Find your matchWhy do unhealthy relationships happen
Unhealthy relationships are not the result of one partner being weak or unworthy of love and support. Relationships are complex, and many people may not understand what a healthy relationship is, so they don’t know what to look for.
How can early experiences shape relationship expectations?
Many things can contribute to an unhealthy relationship, including early relationship patterns and what we observe about relationships when we are young, whether at home, in the community, or from the media. Young people who are raised in homes with constant conflict or where divorced parents modeled difficult or unhealthy relationship dynamics may internalize an unconscious blueprint for what a relationship can be. When they get older, they may stay in a relationship with these same dynamics, not because it is healthy, but because it feels familiar. Recognizing how these unconscious expectations about what a relationship should be can shape your adult relationships can be a beneficial first step toward making positive changes.
What to do if you think you are in an unhealthy or abusive relationship
Recognizing that you're in an unhealthy relationship can be the first step towards gaining clarity and reclaiming your individuality. If you constantly feel belittled, controlled, or fearful around your partner, it may be time to consider if the relationship is in your best interest.
Talk to someone safe
If you find yourself in an unhealthy relationship, make it a point to reach out to someone you trust, like friends, loved ones, or a. mental health professional. While reaching out for support may seem difficult at times, isolation and lack of help can be detrimental to your safety and well-being.
Make a safety plan
A safety plan is a personalized, practical plan for what you should do when you are experiencing abuse, want to prepare to leave a relationship, or have already left. The contents of the plan will vary depending on the situation, but some things to consider for your own safety plan can include:
- Obtaining a new cell phone so an ex-partner cannot contact or track you
- Changing routines to avoid being followed
- Installing security cameras and changing locks to keep your home secure
- Securing a place to go if you need to escape quickly, like a domestic abuse shelter or the home of a family member
- Putting aside a bag with important documentation (Social Security cards, birth certificates, etc.), money, medication, identification, and a change of clothes in case you have to leave quickly
If a relationship involves abuse, having a safety plan can be life-saving. You do not have to wait until you are ready to leave to start planning; starting early can make leaving feel safer and more attainable when the time comes.
There is also help and support available if you need help creating a safety plan or are ready to leave your situation. Domestic violence advocates, hotlines, and local shelters can help you establish a plan that fits your needs.
If you are in immediate danger, call 911. If you are in need of confidential support, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Help is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
Online therapy for relationships and mental health concerns
If you think you may be in an unhealthy relationship, consider seeking professional help. Therapists or counselors can provide valuable insights and tools to help you navigate your feelings and establish your next steps. Online couples therapy services such as BetterHelp offer online counseling services that can be accessed from the comfort and safety of your home. Working with a mental health professional may help you to better understand your emotions and recognize harmful patterns that could signify an unhealthy relationship.
Individual therapy support
For those who may be concerned about their relationships, online therapy provides an accessible space to gain insights into relationship dynamics and to develop strategies to navigate these challenging situations. With the guidance of a professional therapist, individuals may learn to establish boundaries, enhance communication, and foster healthier relationships. Online therapy may serve as a vital tool for empowerment and change in the face of unhealthy relationships, enabling individuals to take control of their relational well-being from the comfort and safety of their homes.
Couples therapy considerations
Online therapy can also be a helpful option for couples who are interested in working together to improve their relationship, and research has shown that it can be an effective way of overcoming challenges as a couple.
In one study, researchers demonstrated the potential effectiveness of online-delivered cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) in helping couples navigate the challenges associated with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and the intimate relationship problems that often accompany it.
The study found that couples undergoing online CBT reported significant improvements in their relationship dynamics and a decrease in PTSD-related symptoms, underscoring the potential of online therapy as a tool for addressing the driving factors of unhealthy relationships. These findings suggest that online interventions may provide a lifeline to individuals who may be grappling with the impacts of PTSD from unhealthy relationships and who may require guidance to escape harmful patterns.
Getting started with BetterHelp is simple:
- Take a short questionnaire. Answer a few quick questions about your goals, preferences, and the type of therapist you’d like to work with.
- Get matched quickly. In most cases, you can be matched with a licensed provider in as little as 48 hours.
- Start therapy on your terms. Schedule sessions by video, phone, or live chat, and join from anywhere you have an internet connection.
Finding the right therapist isn’t just important – it’s everything.
Find your matchTakeaway
What are the red flags in a relationship?
Red flags are warning signals in a relationship. Some of the most common red flags are a lack of respect, dishonesty, any form of violence, controlling behavior, lack of emotional support, and anger management problems.
What is an unhealthy relationship?
An unhealthy relationship may be built on control rather than mutual support. Unhealthy relationships can involve dynamics that cause harm to one or both partners, with repeated patterns that tend to worsen over time.
What is the definition of a healthy relationship?
Healthy relationships may be those that involve mutual trust, respect, safety, and effective communication. In a healthy relationship, both partners feel safe, respected, and valued, and generally work together to overcome challenges. If you are between the ages of 13 and 26 and have questions about what makes a healthy relationship, text “loveis” to 22522 to connect with the Love Is Respect project from the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
What are 5 characteristics of an unhealthy relationship?
Unhealthy relationships can have many characteristics, five of which may be:
- Disrespect
- Dishonesty
- Abuse
- Control
- Poor communication
What are the 12 signs you are in an unhealthy relationship?
Twelve unhealthy signs in a relationship can include:
- You are unable to make your own decisions about how you spend your time or money.
- You repeatedly catch your partner lying or being dishonest.
- Your partner continually disrespects you.
- You cannot communicate with one another, and arguments generally escalate to yelling.
- You are experiencing abuse of any kind.
- Your friends and family have expressed concern about your relationship and your well-being.
- Your partner is constantly criticizing you.
- You feel unsafe.
- You feel as if you cannot be yourself.
- You feel relieved when they are not around.
- You feel unsupported or like your needs are being ignored.
What are examples of relationship red flags?
Some examples of red flags in a relationship may be controlling or isolating behavior, manipulation, jealousy, possessiveness, anger issues, and a lack of accountability.
What are the 4 things that ruin relationships?
According to the Gottman Institute, four things that can ruin a relationship are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
What is the 3-3-3 rule in a relationship?
The 3-3-3 rule in a relationship is a guideline that may be used in the early days of the relationship to assess where the relationship is heading. It suggests that, after three dates, you should focus on determining if there is a mutual attraction that is worth pursuing; after three weeks, you should consider whether the person is dependable, how well you communicate, and whether your interest has grown or faded; and after three months, you should assess if the relationship has long-term potential.
What is the 7 7 7 rule for couples?
The 7 7 7 rule can be seen as a guideline that couples can use to keep their connection strong. It suggests having a date night every seven days, a weekend away every seven weeks, and a longer getaway every seven months.
Why do 90% of relationships fail?
There is no single reason why relationships fail; in fact, various factors can contribute to why a relationship doesn’t work out. Some of these may include poor communication, lack of trust, dishonesty, and not enough intimacy.
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