Nine Signs A Relationship May Be Passive-Aggressive

Passive aggression can be incredibly damaging to relationships and personal well-being. Research shows that passive-aggressive behavior can negatively affect mental health, contributing to depression, eating disorders, and stress-related disorders. When it’s present in a relationship, passive aggression can be detrimental to everyone involved. Read on to learn how to spot passive aggression in your relationship and improve this behavior and your well-being. 

What is passive aggression? 

Passive aggression is an indirect expression of negative emotions and feelings. These people may appear to act appropriately or comply, but they may express anger or contempt through various manipulative behaviors. For example, someone may be upset or angry with their partner for not doing household chores. Instead of directly addressing the issue, they might make indirect comments like, "I guess I'm the only one who cares about a clean house," or deliberately do the chores loudly to draw attention.

In a relationship, this can manifest as: 

• The silent treatment 
• Making veiled threats
• Making indirect critical comments
• A lack of follow-through 
• Small acts of sabotage (i.e., “accidentally” losing their possessions) 
• Using other people to express their opinions (i.e., “My sister says…”) 
• Procrastination or intentional mistakes 
• Resistance to cooperation 
• Frequent complaints 
• Hurtful sarcastic comments 
• Sullen, cynical, or hostile attitude 

People behave passive-aggressively for many reasons. They may feel insecure or like people wouldn't listen if they expressed themselves directly. Withdrawing or acting in this manner can also be an attempt at control or manipulation. For example, a person may use guilt by saying things like, "You're never around" or "You don't really love me," to make their partner do what they want.

People can use this tactic when they feel powerless or unable to express themselves or powerless. They may have these feelings due to past experiences, childhood, or cultural influences. For example, suppose a person grew up in a household where direct expression of anger or other feelings was discouraged or punished. In that case, they might learn how to express their feelings indirectly.

Whatever the cause, this communication style can be detrimental to a relationship and the people involved. 

Passive-aggressive behavior can lead to tension and conflict as well. When two people don’t openly communicate their needs or feelings, it can lead to misunderstandings, frustration, and arguments. 

If you’re dating someone who’s frequently passive-aggressive, you may feel like you’re always walking on eggshells and never know what might set them off. This can be exhausting and make you feel like you always have to defend yourself. 

Nine signs you may be experiencing this behavior

Whether it’s you, your partner, or both of you, here are some signs of a passive-aggressive relationship. 

If a person frequently says something they don't mean or their actions don't line up with their words, this could be a sign of passive aggression. For example, they may say they’re okay with something but get upset with you about it later. They also may be loving an affectionate one day, and then completely pull back the next.

Withholding communication or affection is a common type of passive-aggressive behavior. For example, rather than expressing anger outwardly, your partner may refuse to talk to you when they’re upset. If you or your partner have a pattern of withholding affection or communication or withdrawing instead of addressing concerns, it could indicate an underlying issue with this behavior pattern.

Procrastination can be a subtle way of putting something off that you don’t want to do. For example, your partner says they’ll do the dishes, but they always make excuses not to do it. If someone continually makes excuses and puts things off, it could be a sign of passive aggression.

Sarcasm or hurtful jokes can become tools a passive-aggressive person uses to express their feelings, a method that can deny the other person the chance to react in a meaningful way. If a partner repetitively uses hurtful humor to make subtle digs at you, it could be a sign of passive aggression. Even if they say, “Just kidding,” afterward, if the joke is hurtful or insensitive and it seems like the person is using it to communicate how they feel, it may be more than just a joke.

Underhanded sabotage 

Passive-aggressive partners may undermine tasks, projects, or agreements. This behavior can materialize as causing harm materially or emotionally, often out of jealousy or as a subtle form of punishment or revenge. For example, a partner might take out an important presentation, hide an article of clothing, or go back on an agreement to help them complete a task.

Self-punishment (“I’ll show you”)

Engaging in self-destructive behaviors like quitting, deliberate failure, drug misuse, or self-harm* can be a covert form of passive aggression, where the intention isn't just to hurt the partner indirectly but to force a reaction. This power play can be deeply frustrating and often requires a focused, calm approach to address the underlying issues.

Victimhood 

Exaggerating personal or health issues, showing codependency, and playing the martyr can all be tactics used to exploit the goodwill and nurturing instincts of the partner. This behavior is designed to elicit sympathy, making the partner feel wrong for not understanding the point of distress, which can lead to both becoming victims of unresolved issues.

Recognizing these signs is often the first step in addressing passive aggression in a relationship. It’s important to note that people can occasionally act passive-aggressively without, and it does not indicate a larger problem. However, if passive-aggressive behaviors are repetitive and frequent in your relationship, it may indicate a larger problem that needs to be addressed. 

*If you are considering acting on thoughts of self-harm, The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be reached at 988 and is available 24/7.

How to stop passive-aggressive behavior in relationships 

Addressing and stopping passive-aggressive behavior in a relationship involves a conscious effort from both partners. The first step is often to recognize and acknowledge the presence of such behavior. Openly discussing instances where passive aggressiveness has occurred can help to understand its impact on the partnership. These conversations may be more productive and healthy if you approach these conversations honestly and without blame, focusing on how the behavior affects the partnership rather than accusing each other. 

Effective communication is key. To overcome passive aggression, it may be helpful for partners to employ strategies that avoid hurting each other, addressing their own needs directly and respectfully rather than resorting to backhanded compliments or other indirect expressions of hostility that can leave one feeling like a victim. This might require learning to articulate feelings non-confrontationally and actively listening to each other’s concerns. 

Developing empathy can be helpful for dealing with passive aggression. Talking openly, taking responsibility for one’s own actions, and understanding each other’s viewpoints can help reduce misinterpretations and assumptions that can lead to indirect communication. Both partners will likely need to work on building a supportive environment where each feels safe to express their thoughts and feelings. Setting clear boundaries and expectations can also be helpful. Discussing and agreeing upon acceptable behaviors and ways of handling disagreements can prevent misunderstandings and resentment from building up.  

Finding support for marital problems

Couples therapy can be a beneficial tool for navigating passive-aggressive relationships, especially when partners deal with insecurity or struggle to react positively to challenges. A therapist can provide an objective perspective, help identify underlying intentions, and offer strategies to support improved communication and relationship dynamics. If meeting with a couples therapist in person doesn’t make sense for you and your partner due to conflicting schedules or geographic hurdles, online couples therapy might be an option worth considering. 

Online couples therapy

With online couples therapy, you and your partner can attend sessions at a time and place that works best for both of your schedules and needs. Additionally, if you live in a geographically isolated location, it can be much easier to find a therapist you both like and respect with online therapy.

Research has shown that online couples therapy is just as effective as in-person couples therapy for improving relationship satisfaction.