Finding Love As Older Adults: Romantic Relationships Later In Life

It can be common to assume that relationships, especially romantic ones, become less important in older age. On the contrary, relationships can play a key role in staying mentally and physically healthy as you get older. What should older adults know about dating and intimacy, and how can they set themselves up for happy, healthy relationships? Let’s explore these questions together. 

Why romantic relationships still matter later in life

Even as the aging population grows and technology makes dating more accessible, stereotypes can still shape society's views of older relationships. Whether you’re interested in starting a relationship at an older age or you want to support others who do, it can be important to separate these myths from reality.  

Emotional connection, companionship, and purpose

On the other hand, research suggests that satisfying relationships may have the opposite effect. In a study published in 2023, researchers gathered data from 694 women for 20 years. They found that those who had satisfying social relationships (such as family members, coworkers, and partners) were less likely to develop chronic health conditions. This illustrates why relationships may be more than just a nice thing to have while aging; they might even protect your health. 

Physical intimacy and benefits for mental health and longevity

Although there’s a common view that older couples aren’t physically intimate, this is not the case. The University of Michigan’s National Poll on Healthy Aging found that 54% of adults aged 65-80 who were currently in relationships reported being sexually active. 

Physical intimacy—such as sex, holding hands, hugging, and kissing—can be healthy for people of any age. According to the National Council on Aging, intimacy can have several benefits for older couples, such as lower blood pressure, a potentially longer lifespan, and better healing. It may also lower stress and help prevent depression. 

How relationships change as we age

While social connection remains important across the lifespan, research finds that our relationships change as we get older. Friend circles become smaller, but participants report higher levels of satisfaction within these circles. Romantic relationships can shift too, but with no less fulfillment. 

Shifts in priorities, values, and desire

As they get older, most people tend to become more emotionally stable. Many also tend to start looking inward and valuing personal growth, peace of mind, and deeper relationships. Desire can still be a part of older relationships, but perhaps not the driving force that it was when they were young adults. 

Experience, self-knowledge, and relationship work

Older individuals often have a better idea of who they are and what they want out of life. They have had years of life experience, and shifting ideas have taken hold and become core values. As we age, we may be less likely to put up with other people’s drama and yet have a greater understanding of what makes relationships work.  

Common challenges in relationships later in life

While an older person may be likelier to know themselves and what they want out of life, relationships formed or maintained later in life can carry their own set of challenges. 

Health conditions and physical challenges

As our bodies age, they become more susceptible to a number of chronic health conditions. Some of these health risks can include: 

• Cardiovascular disease
• Diabetes
• Cancer
• Parkinson’s disease
• Osteoporosis

Even without a diagnosis, older individuals can also experience hearing and vision loss, and muscle loss. They may also have depression or anxiety related to aging. Learning how to navigate the challenges around these disorders together can be an important part of love in the later years. 

Chronic stress, grief, and past relationship wounds

Chronic stress or grief can also be a part of the aging process, and some older adults may be dealing with the loss of a partner or of friends. Older people come to a relationship with more life experience and may be experiencing past relationship wounds that leave them wary of new love. Strong communication and conflict resolution can be helpful, and couples therapy can support building skills in these areas. 

Balancing independence and intimacy

Later in life, people can tend to value their independence. They have lived a life on their own, or may have left a relationship and now feel free to live their own life. Trying to find a healthy balance between independence and intimacy can be challenging for people who are set in their own ways, and not accustomed to compromise with a romantic partner. 

Physical and mental health considerations in older love

All that being said, even health problems and life challenges can be outweighed by the benefits of maintaining love in your older years. 

How romantic partnerships affect overall health

Intimate relationships, including romantic partnerships, can be good for both physical and mental health. In general, married people experience better physical and mental health than their unmarried counterparts. Studies have also found that partnerships can influence the individual’s behavior, with interconnectedness promoting healthier lifestyle habits. 

Managing health problems together as a couple

The downside of this type of interconnectedness is that couples can influence each other in less healthy habits too. Older couples can come together intentionally to support each other in creating and maintaining a lifestyle that is conducive to better physical and mental health. 

Supporting each other’s mental health

Social bonds and connections can be essential in maintaining mental health and overall well-being. A healthy romantic relationship may improve mortality if partners work together to promote each other’s physical, cognitive, and emotional health. Some ways you can support each other include:

• Finding hobbies and interests that offer mutual enjoyment, as well as encouraging your partner to pursue their own interests
• Staying active together. This can be as simple as going for daily walks, or you can join an exercise or dance class 
• Prioritizing new experiences. Explore new places, take trips, and meet new people 
• Encouraging each other in good sleep hygiene
• Practicing mindfulness in everyday life
• Sharing your feelings freely and asking your partner about their own thoughts and feelings

Family dynamics, children, and blended relationships

Many people forming relationships in later life may find that they must contend with complex family dynamics. Very often, older individuals have their own grown children, grandchildren, and extended family. 

Navigating relationships with adult children

You and your partner may have your own traditions with your adult children, and there may be complicated feelings around starting a new relationship. This can be especially true if your kids are close to their other parent or you have recently lost your partner. There may be resentment that you’re moving on that creates friction between either yourself and your kids, or between your kids and your new partner. 

Boundaries, expectations, and communication

The most effective way to deal with these types of family dynamics is to approach them openly and honestly. Be upfront about your boundaries and expectations, and communicate with your children about their own. Remember that respect goes both ways. For example, you may expect your children to welcome your partner to a family event, but you might avoid insisting that your grandchildren call your partner “grandma” or “grandpa” if that’s not what they want. 

The psychology of love later in life

When finding love later in life, you may choose to find potential partners through increased social interaction or through a more modern approach like online dating. However you decide to reach out, there are some things to keep in mind when building a relationship as an older adult. 

How the mind approaches love differently with age

Romance can be a big part of a relationship in older adults, but it often occurs alongside a healthy dose of practicality. Older adults often have a complex web of life experiences, existing relationships, and outside interests, and a romantic relationship may not be centered the way it would be for a younger person. 

Emotional regulation, attachment, and resilience

Older adults can be more emotionally regulated and resilient than young adults. Rather than a frenzy of passion or desire, older adults may be more drawn toward deep emotional intimacy and companionship in their romantic relationships. 

Cultivating healthy relationships later in life

Whether you’re in a relationship as an older adult or you would like to support someone who is, the following tips may help you foster a healthy, sustainable connection. 

Look for ways to stay intimate

Maintaining physical intimacy as an older couple can pose unique challenges, but it can be valuable for your well-being. Aim to communicate your needs with your partner openly and honestly, and seek medical advice if you have physical concerns. 

It can also be worth remembering that sex is just one way to be intimate. There is a wide variety of intimate behaviors. Other ways that you can foster closeness with your partner include: 

• Massage
• Cuddling or spooning
• Holding hands
• Sustained eye contact
• Brushing hair
• Prolonged embracing

Plan ahead

It can be a good idea for older couples to think ahead about how they want their relationship to evolve. This may mean having honest conversations about logistics, like living situations, retirement, and healthcare. Getting on the same page early on can be important, so you have enough time to make preparations. 

Embrace shared interests in relationships

Having hobbies can be especially important later in life. Whether you’re in a new relationship or a long-standing one, getting involved in shared activities with your partner can be valuable, both for your connection and your mental health. 

Consider finding a regular hobby group, community organization, or volunteer cause you can both participate in. This may serve as a chance to spend quality time together and build social connections—and it may even improve memory. 

Keep the relationship spark going

No matter how long you’ve been with your partner, maintaining—or reigniting—the romantic “spark” may improve your relationship satisfaction. Look for ways to build romance into your routine. That could mean surprising each other with gifts, going on regular date nights, reflecting on your relationship, or planning new adventures together. Practicing gratitude for each other and your bond can be another way to keep the romance alive. 

Be open with each other

Communication can be a key part of a healthy relationship at any age, but it can be especially important later in life. Being honest with your partner about your physical, mental, and emotional concerns may help you stay on the same page. Aim to bring up aging-related issues early so you can work together to address them proactively.

Tend to other relationships

Other family relationships and friendships can sometimes complicate relationships between older adults. It can be important to navigate these relationships as respectfully and openly as you can. When in doubt, consider sitting down with the people involved to talk through any disagreements or old arguments. It can be helpful to practice active listening, take breaks when you need to, and try to listen to everyone’s perspective. Remember to set boundaries and maintain them. 

Getting relationship support through BetterHelp

As we’ve seen, relationships between older adults can run into unique complications. Navigating these can be tricky, but getting counseling—either as a couple or individually—may make it easier. A licensed counselor may be able to give more personalized advice for managing the challenges of romance and maintaining a healthy relationship.

That said, it may not always be practical to seek counseling in person. For older adults, mobility issues and other logistics may make it hard to commute to a therapist’s office. Online therapy platforms like BetterHelp (for individuals) and ReGain (for couples) let you receive counseling from the comfort of your home, in several convenient formats. This may make them a useful alternative for older adults. 

Studies have found that online relationship counseling may be as effective at improving relationships as in-person therapy. In a 2021 study, 30 couples took part in a couples therapy program, either in-person or via videoconferencing. Researchers found that online counseling led to equal improvements in the couples’ relationship satisfaction and mental health.