How Does Anxious Attachment Work And What Does It Mean?

According to attachment theory, the relationship that a child forms with their primary caregivers can affect how they connect with others later in life, in what is called an “attachment style.”

When the parent and child form an unhealthy bond or attachment, the child can carry this pattern with them from infancy through childhood and into their adult social interactions and intimate relationships as well. There are four attachment styles that are generally regarded in this theory based on the strange situation experiment: secure, avoidant, disorganized, and anxious. 

In this article, we’ll dissect the anxious attachment style, how it works, and possible implications as a person matures and develops adult relationships. 

What is anxious attachment?

Inconsistent parenting may look like being nurturing, loving, and responsive during some instances but insensitive, intrusive, or harmful to their child’s well-being in others. 

As a result, the child may be uncertain of what they are going to get from their parent when they seek out care or attention. The child, therefore, may start to develop anxious attachments and seek attention (whether positive or negative) from the parental figure.

What anxious attachment can mean for the child

As a result of these mixed signals, and genetic factors in some cases, a child who develops an anxious attachment may distrust the parent and may feel suspicious—but at the same time, they may have an intrinsic need for care and emotional bonds. 

This can cause them to feel anxiety around love and attention. The child may then start to cling to their caregiver out of fear of abandonment even though they are not always comforted by being near them. They may be very focused on the caregiver to the exclusion of all else, and they may have a strong emotional reaction when the caregiver leaves. They may also exhibit aggressive behavior. 

How this attachment style can play out in adults

Adults with less secure attachment styles may experience low self-worth and self-criticism. As a result, they may have negative thought patterns and feel that they are not good enough. 

They may feel as if they are unable to trust others, even in close relationships, because they have a deep fear of being rejected. Because of this fear, they may feel desperate to be in a relationship of any kind, whether it is secure. 

Whether it’s yours or your partner’s attachment style, when people with unhealthy adult attachments are in a relationship, they may have high views of those they like, such as a partner, close friend, or even their parents. At the same time, they may have a very low opinion of themselves and their capabilities. They may also ignore their own needs to please their friends, partners, or parents, which lends to the mistrust and anxiety that stems from anxious attachments. 

They may be constantly looking for signs that they will be abandoned or that their partner does not care about them anymore— which can lead to feelings of unfulfillment in relationships. These unhealthy attachment behaviors can make it a struggle to engage in self-reflection or to separate past experiences from their current situation. They may lack the communication skills needed to express their emotions in a healthy way, which can lead to further negative behavioral patterns and feelings of isolation or abandonment.

When people with anxious attachment styles have so much life experience built up around a fear of abandonment or feeling unloved, they may subconsciously try to prove that they’re right and fall into relationship-ending behaviors, such as passive-aggressive treatment, fights, or in the worst case scenarios, cheating.

While this outcome can seem bleak, it can be corrected with the use of supportive strategies (such as online therapy.) Your care team can help you to draw boundaries and shift your self-perspective to possibly develop a more securely-attached style in many. 

Becoming a parent: How does anxious attachment fit in? 

Most of us might model the same behavior with our children as was modeled to us. 

What that can mean is someone who develops an anxious or disorganized attachment style in their childhood may be more likely to model that same behavior with their own children. The cycle may then continue on and on with each new generation of children until someone makes an effort to break the cycle and change their attachment style.

When you become a parent, you are generally responsible for your child’s life, someone who is dependent on you; for many, that can be a strong motivator to try to develop a healthier attachment style. They may feel as if they want to do what's best for their child, so they might work as hard as possible to better themselves and help instill a more secure attachment style in their child. 

We do want to note, however, that addressing these patterns can be easier said than done, and they can be difficult to tackle on your own. Simply becoming a parent and deciding that you're not going to act a certain way may not be enough for most to overcome what they've been through. That’s why online therapy, accountability support and more can be so vital as a secure attachment style is sought.

Getting help: Seeking a secure attachment style

If you are trying to address your attachment style to develop healthier relationships and model healthier patterns for your child, speaking with a mental health professional can help. Dismantling life-long relationship patterns can be very difficult to do on your own, and a professional can work with you to help you unpack your experiences and develop healthier relationships moving forward. In addition, child psychiatry may help to understand and assess what attachment style a child may have and how to address their emotional well-being and development.

Making time for therapy can be challenging, especially for parents with busy schedules and with young kids who can’t be left alone. With online therapy, you can meet with a therapist from the comfort of your home, which may feel more convenient for many parents than commuting to an office for an appointment. 

Is online therapy effective?

Plus, only high-quality sources from peer-reviewed studies have found that online therapy can improve anxious attachment in many. One research study examined whether anxious and avoidant attachment styles improved during guided internet-based cognitive behavioral treatment (ICBT) for panic disorder. Its results suggested “that anxious attachment can improve in ICBT for panic disorder even though the focus of the treatment is not on interpersonal relationships.”