How Perfectionism Can Harm Your Self-Esteem

In the 18th century, French writer Voltaire famously wrote that “The perfect is the enemy of the good”. This quote likely rings true for anyone who has ever faced the disconnect between their imagined or imposed ideals and the reality of human life, which can lead to frustration, dissatisfaction, and—in many cases—a decreased sense of self-worth. These feelings can arise in any context, from relationships to careers to artistic endeavors. They can become impediments to personal progress and may even contribute to mental health conditions or other challenges.

Perfectionism can be seen as a double-edged sword. On the one hand, a bit of it can help push us to become better versions of ourselves. On the other, it can make us feel like we’re constantly falling short. Another complicating factor is that perfection is often subjective, with many even arguing that there’s no such thing as perfection. Most people would be hard-pressed to name an individual, institution, piece of art, or anything else created by humans that is literally perfect—and even fewer would ever claim that they are perfect themselves. Others would also argue that imperfections can in fact be beautiful and even useful. 

With these elements in mind, let’s explore a few questions related to this topic. First, why are many of us prone to comparing unrealistic standards of perfectionism to our own imperfect lives? What kind of an impact can that have on our self-esteem? Finally, how can we manage a drive toward perfectionism in a healthier way—using it as a tool rather than a harmful practice? Read on for an examination of each of these.

Perfectionism: Definition and key effects

The American Psychological Association (APA) defines perfectionism as “the tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation”. They add that it’s “associated with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and other mental health problems”. 

It’s possible that elements of modern society like the pressures of social media and the stress of economic uncertainty may make people today even more susceptible to this potentially harmful mindset.

Constantly striving for an unachievable state of making no mistakes can take a toll on a person's mental health. Rather unsurprisingly, perfectionism has been linked to heightened vulnerability to depression. Student participants in one study report that their “best never seems to be enough" or that their “performance rarely measures up to [their own] standards”. Researchers state that these “maladaptive perfectionistic characteristics were strongly associated with depression”. 

Other studies have found perfectionists may also tend to be more easily discouraged and thus more likely to give up on their goals. More often than not, people having a hard time with unrealistically high goals end up being more self-critical and less productive than others. This can create a cycle of negativity that is often difficult—though generally not impossible—to break out of.

Perfectionism and self-esteem

Perfectionism can negatively impact self-esteem, but it doesn’t always. The difference lies in the root causes or motivations of perfectionistic attitudes and behaviors. For example, the pressure we put on ourselves to excel in some area(s) of life can be rooted in harsh self-judgments and critiques; however, it can also be motivated by self-love and positive ambition. In the latter case, the relationship between perfectionism and self-esteem might not be negative. This is the difference between “negative perfectionism”, which is highly-self critical, versus “positive perfectionism”, which is driven by healthy ambition. 

Consider a study that examined the self-esteem levels of student athletes who displayed traits of perfectionism. It found that those with higher self-esteem were likelier to have a positive relationship with their perfectionism, and that those with lower self-esteem were likelier to exhibit negative perfectionism. The study also notes that negative perfectionists often said they felt that unrealistically high standards were being imposed on them from outside sources, triggering higher anxiety and lower feelings of self-worth. The positive perfectionists, in contrast, reported feeling more internally motivated. 

Positive perfectionism allows people to work toward lofty goals while acknowledging that they’re unlikely to ever achieve them in a “perfect” form. This concept can be difficult to accept, especially for those who are working to overcome tendencies of negative perfectionism. That said, cultivating a healthier relationship with perfectionism may look like saying your work is “good enough” and being content with that, because you have a more realistic perspective and know that you gave it your best effort.

How to develop a healthier relationship with perfectionism

A helpful first step on this journey may be taking time to understand your own personal relationship with perfectionism. Is it affecting your self-esteem, frequently making you feel worthless or like a failure? Does it cause you anxiety or make it difficult to complete projects? Are you more concerned with meeting your own standards, or someone else’s? Do those standards seem realistic or unattainable? These questions may help you outline any thought patterns around this topic that may be negatively impacting your self-esteem. From there, you can focus on a few simple practices that may help you find a more positive balance. Here are a few examples:

Clearly outline your goals

Make sure you believe that they are both reasonable and attainable. Put them on a checklist and tick them off as you hit each one. Once you’ve checked off every item, hold yourself accountable for saying, “I’m done”, and moving on. 

Allow yourself to make mistakes

Being hard on yourself for mistakes or failures is natural but typically unproductive. Instead, you might practice using that time and energy for devising strategies on how to deal with or avoid similar issues in the future. You might also practice self-compassion when failures occur rather than being tough on yourself. Remember, mistakes can often be powerful tools for learning and growth.

Ask for help and outside opinions

We are often our own worst critics—meaning it can be difficult to be objective about our work. To combat this, you might try making sure yours isn’t the only opinion you’re receiving. You might also ask for tips or guidance from those with more experience to help you meet your own reasonable standards and goals.

Focus on efficiency

A perfectionist approach to a task is often neither the most cost-effective nor the most time-effective method. Instead, you might focus on trying to use your resources—including time—as effectively as possible and keeping the bigger picture in mind along the way.

Reflect on your successes

It might also be helpful to regularly spend time thinking about your past achievements, particularly in cases where you successfully managed your perfectionist tendencies. Patting yourself on the back for your accomplishments can help you boost your confidence, and you can use those situations as models for your future endeavors.

How therapy can help with perfectionism

Perfectionism alone isn’t necessarily a negative quality. However, certain types and manifestations of a perfectionist mindset can have negative effects on self-esteem and other aspects of mental health. Typically only by analyzing and breaking out of these thought patterns can those experiencing perfection-related self-esteem issues typically give themselves the opportunity to heal. Therapy is one possible way to achieve this goal. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can be particularly beneficial for addressing these issues because it aims to help teach the individual how to recognize and shift distorted thoughts that may be unhelpful and even damaging.

CBT is one type of therapy that can be easily and effectively carried out through online methods. Studies suggest it can be helpful in treating mental health conditions that often accompany negative perfectionism, such as depression or anxiety. It’s also often more affordable and available than in-person counseling. If you’re interested in trying this type of therapy for support in addressing perfectionism, you might consider a virtual therapy platform like BetterHelp. You can get matched with a licensed professional who you can meet with via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging to address the challenges you may be facing.