What Is Self-Compassion And How Can You Practice It?
Some people have no trouble being compassionate towards others but have a hard time showing compassion to themselves. Learning how to practice self-acceptance can help these individuals become kinder and more understanding toward themselves. This most often manifests as being overly judgmental or critical of one’s own shortcomings or imperfections. While these tendencies can be difficult to shake, working overtime to replace them with kindness and patience can lead to a happier, less stressful life.
What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion means offering yourself understanding, empathy, and warmth instead of judgment or harshness, especially when facing a failure or experiencing feelings of insufficiency or disappointment. Dr. Kristin Neff, an expert in the field of self-compassion, says that it’s made up of three main parts: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.
- Self-kindness is treating ourselves with the care we’d treat a good friend, as Dr. Neff puts it. It’s about being kind to ourselves, especially in the moments when we feel unsuccessful or inadequate.
- Common humanity is the recognition that everyone has moments when they feel unsuccessful or inadequate. This concept invites us to remember that even though these emotions may make us feel alone, many others feel them too from time to time.
- Mindfulness involves examining thoughts and feelings as they come and go: not ignoring, repressing, or judging them, but acknowledging them and moving on.
The potential benefits of self-compassion
There’s a growing body of research about the benefits of self-compassion. One study found a potential link between self-compassionate people and increased well-being, including higher levels of happiness, motivation, and optimism and lower levels of anxiety, depression, and fear of failure. In addition, an article in the Social and Personality Psychology Compass journal suggests that self-compassion may be a healthier characteristic to pursue than self-esteem because it involves less self-evaluation, ego-defensiveness, and self-enhancement. Self-esteem usually involves comparing yourself with others, while self-compassion focuses on simply relating in a kinder way to your own self. Those who are self-compassionate tend to have greater self-confidence, a healthier self-concept, and be less self-critical. Self-compassion helps emotional resilience in many cases, as well.
Seven ways to practice self-compassion
Practicing mindful self-compassion is a skill like any other and can be built over time with practice and patience. Here are several strategies you can try to work on increasing levels of this quality in yourself.
1. Cultivate an awareness of your thoughts
Reframing negative thoughts about ourselves is a key part of a self-compassion practice, but it can be difficult to do without first becoming aware of our thoughts in general. Noticing them is the first step toward being able to change them, like shifting negative self-talk into positive. Beginning a mindfulness practice is one powerful way to do this, and mindfulness meditation in particular can be an effective tool.
It can also be useful to become familiar with common cognitive distortions so you can start noticing how those may be affecting your thoughts and feelings. They’re simply thought patterns that present us with a warped view of a situation, and while they can affect anyone, they’re especially common in those with depression. For example, the distortion of polarization can cause you to think that you’re a complete failure if you get a low grade on a test or don’t get the job you interviewed for. This thought pattern leaves no room for outcomes in between great and terrible, and usually involves you harshly judging yourself for not being perfect. Meditation and therapy are two ways to start on a mindful path and become more in tune with your thoughts so you can notice and correct potentially harmful reactions to painful thoughts and difficult emotions.
2. Forgive yourself
Self-compassion is not a replacement for personal responsibility, but it is understanding that everyone makes mistakes because we’re all imperfect. Plus, mistakes are often important learning experiences. However, there’s more than one way to respond when you slip up. The self-compassionate way would be to forgive yourself and move forward, taking with you anything you may have learned through the process.
One study found that self-compassion—specifically the components of self-kindness and mindfulness—correlates to forgiveness. If faced with a difficult situation you may find that self-compassion helped you to recognize a better way to manage feelings of disappointment or anger. Practicing all three elements of self-compassion may help you be able to forgive yourself and others more easily, and forgiveness may help boost self-compassion in turn, too. Once you initiate this cycle, you may be able to open the door to a host of positive, interconnected benefits.
3. Follow your passions
One of the flawed patterns of thinking we may experience when we lack self-compassion is believing that because we’re imperfect and have made mistakes, we don’t deserve joy or happiness. Everyone deserves to experience these things, and you’re allowed to take steps to create these moments for yourself. Try exploring new hobbies or making time for ones you used to enjoy. Travel, meet new people, or otherwise incorporate things that make you feel excited and alive into your routine. Cultivating joy is indeed an act of self-compassion.
4. Treat yourself like a friend
Putting this tip from Dr. Neff into practice can be powerful. If a friend came to you upset because they made a mistake at work, didn’t get accepted into a program they applied to, or failed to kick an unhealthy habit, how would you respond? Most likely, you’d provide a kind, listening ear and some uplifting words of encouragement. You’d never berate them or tell them they were a failure because you understand that mistakes are a part of life and that making someone feel worse about theirs isn’t helpful. You deserve the same kindness and understanding when you fall short in your own life. Self-compassion asks you to learn to be a compassionate friend to yourself.
Being kind to yourself isn’t always easy
5. Nourish your mind and body
Taking good care of yourself is a way to practice self-compassion. By filling your mind and body with positive substances like nutritious food and uplifting, encouraging words, you’ll have the fuel you need to make more positive, loving choices for yourself. Likewise, avoiding unhealthy habits and toxic people can also contribute to this goal of nourishment. In addition to helping build your self-compassion skills, this type of self-care can also boost physical health and physical well-being. Just remember to show yourself compassion when you fail to do this perfectly, as we all inevitably will. As with every tip on this list, the aim is to practice and enjoy the benefits that brings—perfection not required.
6. Practice supportive touch
By providing yourself with a kind physical touch, you can stimulate your parasympathetic nervous system, which is the one responsible for helping your body feel relaxed and safe after experiencing stress or danger. Think of how a parent or caregiver might put their arms around a child who wakes up from a bad dream: There’s power in a compassionate, soothing touch. One study even found that patients who experienced supportive touch before surgery had lower anxiety going into the procedure.
You might practice supportive touch by placing one or both hands over your chest as you take deep breaths. You could also try gently stroking your arms or cradling your cheek with one hand. There are many different options, so experimenting with different soothing touches and seeing how they make you feel may be helpful.
7. Work with a therapist
Therapy can be a powerful tool in cultivating self-compassion. A trained therapist can help you develop self-compassion and have a greater awareness of any of your harsh, judgmental thoughts and reactions to your own experiences or behaviors. They may use a mindful self-compassion workbook to teach self-compassion skills, as well as learn to identify and limit self-criticism and self-pity. They can also equip you with strategies for shifting your thought patterns toward mindfulness and kindness, even when faced with stressful life events.
One study suggests that mindfulness-based cognitive behavioral therapy in particular may help increase an individual’s level of self-compassion in daily life.
Online therapy can help you develop self-compassion
For those who feel more comfortable receiving this type of support from home, virtual therapy is an option. A platform like BetterHelp can match you with a licensed therapist who you can meet with via phone call, video call, and/or chat. Research suggests that online therapy is an effective alternative to in-person sessions, and it’s more available and affordable for many people as well.
Takeaway
What does it mean to be self-compassionate?
Being self-compassionate means being warm, empathetic, and understanding with yourself instead of being harsh or judgmental, especially when facing failure or disappointment. It may involve self-kindness, mindfulness, and recognizing that everyone has personal stories in which they felt inadequate or unsuccessful.
Kristin Neff is an Associate Professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin who developed an empirically supported training program called Mindful Self-Compassion. Her book powerfully demonstrates the possibilities of self compassion.
What is an example of self-compassion?
An example of self-compassion could be if you promised yourself that you would get up early to go for a run before work but ended up having a bad night’s sleep and sleeping too late to fit in a run. Instead of getting angry or criticizing yourself for missing your run, you might practice self-compassion by saying to yourself, “I was tired and needed the rest.”
How do I give myself self-compassion?
One way to think about giving yourself self-compassion is treating yourself like you would treat a friend. If a friend made a mistake, you probably wouldn’t yell at them, get rid of them, or judge them harshly. Although it’s not always easy and may require a lot of inner strength, try to treat yourself the same way.
What is good self-compassion?
Good self-compassion is when you are kind to yourself, understand your flaws, and don’t beat yourself up over mistakes.
Why is self-compassion needed?
Self-compassion is necessary because people with self-compassion may be better able to pick up on when they are suffering or struggling, which can reduce any related anxiety or depression.
What is the attitude of self-compassion?
An attitude of self-compassion is one in which you are kind to yourself and forgive yourself rather than being angry or beating yourself up over perceived mistakes. Give yourself the same caring support that you would offer your best friend.
Is self-compassion a behavior?
Researchers have been busy writing numerous academic articles about self-compassion. Some self compassion research identified self-compassion as a stable trait, which means that it may be a characteristic that some people are born with. Other researchers believe that it may be a part of human development. That said, anyone can learn self-compassion, though it may come easier to some than others. If you have trouble with self-compassion, talk to a mental health specialist who can help you heal destructive emotional patterns and live a more fulfilled life.
Is self-compassion self-care?
Self-compassion can be considered a form of self-care as it can be seen as a way of caring for your mental well-being. If you have difficulty with self-compassion, consider talking to a therapist or looking into a mindful self-compassion program to learn effective ways to be kind to yourself. According to Positive Psychology, this type of mindful self compassion program is based on the teachings of Jon Kabat-Zinn, who advocated for mindfulness to explore emotions and feelings without judgment.
Is self-compassion a value?
Self-compassion may be considered a value. Holding self-care as a value can mean that the person will prioritize it because it is something they consider very important. It’s important to note that valuing self-compassion can be different from valuing high self esteem. Self esteem has an element of comparing yourself to others, while fierce self compassion is all about being kind to yourself regardless of how you compare to others. A good approach to improving self worth may be to balance self acceptance with improving self-esteem.
How do you show compassion?
You can show compassion to yourself the same way you show compassion to others: speak with kindness, try not to judge, be encouraging, and accept yourself and others for who they are.
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