Five Reasons Behind Love Addiction
Desiring a romantic relationship is not problematic, nor is experiencing a range of emotions when pursuing or involved in one. However, if you’ve frequently noticed that you display certain concerning behaviors related to relationships—such as an unhealthy intensity, obsession, or emotional dependency—it’s possible that a love addiction is at play. While it’s not officially recognized as a disorder according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), it’s a pattern of behavior that may cause problems in an individual’s life. Read on to find out what characterizes a love addiction, what may cause it, and what you can do about it.
Symptoms of a love addiction
Here are some other possible signs of an unhealthy dependency on love:
- Obsession with a love interest, even when the love is unrequited or harmful
- Pedestalization of potential or current romantic partners
- Reliance on love, romance, or a romantic partner as one’s primary source of happiness and emotional management
- Relationships that become high-intensity very quickly
- Relationships that are codependent rather than interdependent
- Entering romantic relationships quickly and/or a need to always be in a relationship
- Experiencing withdrawal-like symptoms when you aren’t getting the love and romance you crave
- Extreme shifts in emotional state based on small changes (actual or perceived) in the relationship
- Prioritizing your romantic relationship so much that you ignore family, friends, and other connections or responsibilities
If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.
When one or both partners are prone to love addiction, the possibility of cultivating a healthy relationship is less likely.
Five potential causes of a love addiction
A tendency toward love addiction could have various possible causes. We explore a few of these below.
1. Neurochemistry
For some people, an addiction to love may stem from differences in how their brain functions compared to others. The same chemicals in the brain involved in substance use disorders may contribute to an addiction to love as well. Natural or non-substance pleasures such as love and romance can cause changes in brain processes, potentially making an individual feel that they can’t function “normally” or feel satisfied without the presence of intense romantic love in their life.
2. Past abandonment wounds
Abandonment issues are sometimes an underlying cause of love addiction. Frequently, these issues stem from a childhood with physically or emotionally absent parents or caregivers. Past abandonment by one’s spouse or long-term companion can also lead to love addiction. These past experiences can manifest as love addiction for many reasons. For one, a person may feel that they’re unlovable or unworthy, or they may fear the pain of losing a loved one again. Someone who was abandoned by a parent or guardian earlier in life may also find themselves attracted to romantic partners with the same kind of emotional unavailability, leading to relationships that do not last and, sometimes, feelings of unworthiness as a result.
3. Depression
Clinical depression usually manifests as a set of specific, persistent symptoms, some of which include a sense of hopelessness and emptiness. These could lead a person to search for meaning, fulfillment, or other relief from symptoms. This may be one reason why depression is often comorbid, or co-occurring, with substance use disorders—and it may be the reason an individual experiencing depression could find themselves exhibiting behaviors indicative of a love addiction as well.
If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.
While it’s not always the case, some people with a love addiction may have experienced some childhood trauma such as abuse. As a result, the individual might feel unlovable or unworthy, and the highs of an intense love relationship may mitigate those feelings. Being loved or desired by a romantic partner could make them feel safe and worthy in ways that they were unable to in childhood, leading them to potentially seek out and cling to these relationships to an unhealthy degree.
5. Role models with love addictions
Finally, it’s possible that an individual internalized the behaviors associated with a love addiction because they were modeled to them during childhood. If a child’s parent(s) or caregiver(s) regularly displayed signs of a love addiction, they may grow up believing that healthy relationships look this way. When love is presented to you as intense, obsessive, rapid, and/or fleeting at a young age, it’s easy to see how you might unconsciously repeat these patterns yourself as an adult.
How therapy can help
Changing the way you relate to others in the context of relationships is possible. Speaking with a therapist is one way to shift these patterns. A cognitive behavioral therapist in particular may be able to help you learn to recognize and adjust distorted thought patterns that are leading to troubling behavior. They can also help you develop skills that can assist you in promoting healthier relationships in the future, such as communication, boundary setting, conflict resolution, and maintenance of a positive level of self-esteem.
If you’d like to meet with a therapist to address symptoms of a love addiction, you can do so online or in person. If you’re interested in the convenience and reachability of virtual therapy, you might consider a virtual therapy service like BetterHelp. You can get matched with a licensed therapist who you can meet with via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from the comfort of home to address the challenges you may be facing. Research suggests that online and in-person therapy can offer similar benefits in many cases, so you can typically choose the format that works best for you. See below for client reviews of BetterHelp counselors.
Counselor reviews
“Brenda has been a lifeline to me in a very difficult time. In one month, she has helped support me through quitting alcohol, partaking in self-care, and helping me through the process of a breakup. She asks the questions that your friends won’t, a real chance to understand what’s happening to you as well as being able to evaluate it healthily. Brenda also gave me very good practical advice on managing my anxiety and how to handle those first few days of a breakup which can feel impossible. I’ve loved that I can message her whenever I get those awful feelings, and she usually responds pretty quickly. You can also schedule weekly phone sessions, which have also been helping some weeks when I’ve been struggling”.
“I get great support from Amanda! Strong personal communication skills are very strong with her! I am looking forward to our next session! I recommend Amanda to those with addictions needing support and structure. Great counselor!”
Takeaway
What are the risk factors for love addiction?
Love addiction can stem from many causes, including childhood trauma, neglect, rejection, low self-esteem, abandonment trauma, or dysfunctional relationships. Any of these experiences may lead some to want to feel emotionally stable or fill a void of loneliness that results in finding that validation in others.
What are the disadvantages of love addiction?
Those who experience love addiction may feel desperate for the comfort of relationships or the feeling of falling in love to the detriment of their personal lives, self-care, and careers. They may also focus on their partner's needs ahead of theirs, which can lead to emotional burnout and resentment.
People who may consider themselves "addicted to love" might crave or desire the release of endorphins related to new relationships the way some people experience substance addictions or substance abuse. Similar to other addiction experiences, they may become defensive, paranoid, or possessive with their partners and fear losing them or becoming alone again.
Who are love addicts attracted to?
It may seem unlikely, but people who experience love addiction tend to find themselves attracted to people who may have avoidant attachment styles, or "love avoidant," and vice versa.
Like most people, someone who can be considered "love avoidant" may genuinely desire connection and intimacy, but they often fear being vulnerable or feeling the pain of loss if things don't turn out. They may feel that being alone is better than being hurt and may subconsciously become emotionally unavailable or do things that detach themselves from their partners.
Is it love or are you emotionally addicted to their pattern of inconsistent affection and attention?
Many with love addiction may feel like any affection is better than no affection. Even if a relationship isn't perfectly equal in terms of attention, they might prefer the inconsistency to being alone or feeling empty. While a loving relationship can mean many different things to different people, both partners should be able to feel loved and respected in an equal exchange between each other.
What is the difference between love addiction and true love?
Love addiction may look like codependency, sex addiction, and unrealistic expectations on both ends of the relationship. Someone with love addiction may expect themselves to accept their partners regardless of whether they're emotionally unavailable or in abusive relationships. In turn, they may expect their partner to shower them with all of their love and attention constantly and be available whenever they're needed.
Those who experience love addiction may attempt to control their partner's behaviors, hobbies, time, who they're friends with, and where they spend their time. If partners don't meet these expectations, they may face negative consequences. Those with love addiction may jump from relationship to relationship, finding new comfort and stability in new partners shortly after their last relationship ended.
True love involves a healthy balance between both partners where they listen to each other's needs and have equal expectations of the relationship. Partners in love may desire a long-term relationship and often work together to set boundaries, discover how to settle disagreements and learn what each person requires to feel loved and appreciated.
Why do people become love addicts?
Many experiences can lead people to feel like love addicts. They may not have received the love and attention they needed as a child. Some may have been neglected or abused. Others may not have felt supported by or stable in their attachment to their caregivers. While love addiction may not be recognized as an official mental illness, those experiencing the effects of love addiction may have mental health conditions related to these past traumas or experiences, which can affect how they view themselves or their relationships.
What is the difference between obsession and addiction in love?
Experiencing obsession in a relationship or with a partner, also known as relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder, may look like intense, overwhelming feelings of love, loyalty, or possessiveness. They may think about their partner at all times, or they want to spend as much time as possible with them. They might be jealous of their relationships with others, such as their friends or family. In extreme cases, this obsession may include unhealthy behaviors such as self-harm or violence when they feel like their partner doesn't reciprocate their intense feelings or they feel betrayed by the image they have of the object of their obsession.
Obsession in love typically involves intense, overwhelming feelings for a partner, while addiction involves a compulsive need to seek out the experience of love or validation.
Love addiction may involve feeling depressed, anxious, or lost without a relationship. People may feel dependent on their partner for their emotional needs or happiness. They might put their relationship above their friends, family, and their own needs to keep a partner from potentially leaving them while at the same time trying to control their partner with unrealistic expectations.
People may have difficulty leaving a relationship out of fear of being alone, even when that relationship may be unhealthy. And if they do leave, they may immediately seek out a new relationship to avoid being alone.
What is the difference between love avoidance and love addiction?
Love avoidance is often characterized by a fear of intimacy, a tendency to avoid close relationships, and withdrawal from those who become too close. On the other hand, love addiction involves an excessive need for validation and attachment.
Can two love addicts have a healthy relationship?
While two love addicts may be drawn to each other, developing a healthy relationship may require addressing underlying issues and seeking professional help. The two individuals might be able to seek relationship counseling to leave unhealthy habits behind.
Is love addiction an attachment disorder?
Love addiction may be considered an attachment disorder, as it often involves an unhealthy and codependent attachment to a partner. It might be advisable to explore love addiction treatment options like support groups or professional help from a therapist.
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