Dwelling on lost love could cost you personal growth
Losing someone you love through a breakup, divorce, or falling out can be painful. If you have experienced lost love and are looking to move forward, you can proceed healthily in a few ways. Expressing and validating your emotions while still working to accept the situation can be essential in this process, alongside self-care and appreciation of growth. In some cases, professional support may be beneficial, as well, to talk through the loss and receive professional coping mechanisms. In this article, we discuss different strategies that can help you process the loss and forge ahead in ways that benefit your mental health and general well-being.
What is lost love?
"Lost love" refers to losing a relationship in which you were in love with the other person. It can sometimes refer to a relationship that ended without warning or an unrequited love. Often, when people discuss a lost love, they refer to a relationship they struggle to move on from. They may dwell in the past and feel they are still in love with their ex-partner or the person they loved.
How to move forward from love without closure
If you are still in love with someone and the relationship is over, there are a few ways to move forward and gain closure. Consider the following strategies to help.
Try not to suppress your emotions
The logical conclusion to let go of someone may seem to be ignore your emotions and try to forget how you feel. However, studies show that suppressing emotions can be associated with poor mental and physical health. Separating emotions and behavior in your mind may be helpful. Moving forward, breaking contact, and choosing to respect someone's boundaries are all behaviors that can assist you in letting go.
Missing someone and sadness, longing, and anger are emotions that are important to work through. Yet ,they do not have e to prompt behavior in every case. Processing the end of your relationship may be healthier than trying to cut off all thoughts and feelings you have had, as they may return in the future.
Remind yourself of why the relationship ended
Relationships often end for a reason. If your relationship was unhealthy, incompatible, or not "at the right time," one or both of you may have decided to end it. Reminding yourself why the relationship ended may help you move forward and not hold out hope for a future reconciliation.
If your ex-partner was the person to end your relationship, remind yourself that you prefer to be with someone interested in continuing the relationship. Reminiscing and preoccupying your mind with thoughts that the person still loves you or wants you back may not be conducive to your long-term healing.
Partake in a creative activity
Creativity is a form of expression that can be a healthy way to move forward after the end of a relationship. Consider integrating your healing into these activities if you have any creative or artistic habits. For example, you could do the following:
- Write poems about the loss of love
- Write a story inspired by your experiences
- Create art and listen to music that makes you cry (crying is healthy)
- Write a song about the end of the relationship and perform it
- Play an instrument
Creativity has been used for centuries to express emotions, sometimes without words. If you do not to know where to start, consider art therapy. This form of therapy uses creative expression through different media, such as painting or sculpting, to help people manage many challenges, including pain from the loss of a relationship and grief.
Appreciate the memories and focus on growth
If you are holding onto some details of the relationship, try to appreciate the memories as a positive time in your life and remind yourself that your current focus is growing from what you have learned. Relationships often offer life lessons, and reminding yourself of how you have grown since the beginning of that relationship can be valuable. Growth can come in many forms, such as breaking a relationship pattern or choosing to cope healthier with a loss than you might have in the past.
Practice radical acceptance
Radical acceptance is a coping skill developed by Marsha Linehan in her therapeutic modality dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). Acceptance is part of the distress tolerance module of the DBT workbook and discusses the importance of accepting what you cannot or should not change.
After the end of a relationship, a boundary is often set to ensure that the relationship is over. Pushing that boundary can be unhealthy. While you may hope that the relationship may reignite in the future or that you still have a chance with someone, remind yourself that this may be counterproductive to your healing.
Below are the steps to practicing radical acceptance:
- Observe how you might be questioning or fighting the reality of the breakup.
- Remind yourself that your reality cannot be or should not be changed in this situation.
- Try to note any causes for the reality. Acknowledge how many people do not have control over who they fall in love with, but you can control how you proceed.
- Practice acceptance with your mind, body, and spirit. Use positive self-talk to tell yourself you are willing to accept this situation, even if it is difficult.
- List all the behaviors you'd partake in if you already accepted this situation. Act this way until you find it aligns with your reality.
- Cope ahead by thinking of ways to accept the situation if it worsens.
- Attend to your body sensations using mindfulness or meditation to connect with yourself.
- Allow disappointment, sadness, grief, or anger to arise if they do. Note them and do not act on them. Give them the space to exist.
- Acknowledge that life can be worth living, even when there is pain.
- Create a pros and cons list if you are resisting acceptance further.
Practice radical acceptance each time you have hopeful or obsessive thoughts about your lost love or a desire to reach out to them. Acceptance does not mean that you are not experiencing emotional pain. It focuses on dialectics, the existence of two or more realities. In this case, the dual reality can be that you are still in love with your ex and you're choosing to move forward.
Journal
Journaling is another form of creative expression that can help individuals express their emotions healthily. Studies have found that journaling and other forms of expressive writing can significantly improve mental health. If you struggle with writing, other forms of journaling might include the following:
- A video journal, where you record videos and keep them in a safe album on your device
- An art journal, where you draw pictures of how your day went or how you are feeling
- A collage journal, where you cut out magazine and newspaper clippings and use stickers and other scrapbooking supplies to express sentiments or make poems
- A guided journal, which you may be able to buy from a store, with prompts
Journaling can be for everyone, so try not to judge how you prefer to do it. When you write, write about how you feel about the end of the relationship and your goals for moving forward.
Practice physical self-care
Alongside emotional strategies to cope with loss, physical self-care may keep you feeling physically well, which can transfer to your mental health. Studies show that exercise has significant mental health impacts, and specific exercises, like yoga, may reduce depression and anxiety symptoms.
Other ways to practice physical self-care could include the following:
- Take a hot bath
- Go on a walk in nature
- Eat a healthy meal daily
- Go for a walk with a friend (or pet)
- Swim in a natural body of water
- Stretch at home
- Drink water
Talk to a professional
Moving forward from a relationship may not be easy, and for some people, it can take months or years to feel they have fully moved on. You are not alone if you are experiencing feelings of loss and sadness; a therapist can help you examine these feelings in greater detail.
If you are uncomfortable meeting with a therapist face-to-face or do not have time, consider an online platform like BetterHelp. Online therapy allows you to talk to your therapist from home and choose between phone, video, or live chat sessions. Your therapist can send you worksheets, and you may be able to send digital journal entries to them.
Studies back up the effects of online therapy for those experiencing attachment challenges. One study found that internet-based platforms could be effective in reducing attachment anxiety and avoidant behaviors in those with disorganized attachment styles as related to intimate relationships.
Takeaway
What does a lost love mean?
Lost love refers to when a relationship ends, and feelings of affection are no longer reciprocated or have diminished. This term can encompass anything from breakups to a lover’s passing, resulting in a sense of loss.
How do you accept a lost love?
To accept a lost love, it is important to realize that emotions will take time to heal and not to rush the process. Friends and emotional support can make this transition easier as you learn to move on.
How do I know if I lost love?
You’ll know if you’ve lost love when the emotional connection with your lover has significantly weakened or you don’t feel attached anymore. You may also notice that moments that once brought joy now feel mundane.
Why does lost love hurt so much?
Someone experiencing lost love could be hurting because it disrupts the emotional and often physical closeness you have with someone. The world may seem less bright and more painful as you cope with the void left behind.
What is an example of lost love?
An example of lost love could be childhood sweethearts who drift apart and meet again years later, only to realize the feelings are no longer there. Their love has been written into their past but does not continue into their future.
Can lost love be recovered?
In some cases, lost love can be recovered if both parties are willing to give it another shot and the moment is right. However, the circumstances and reasons behind the separation play a major role, and sometimes, a lost love is forever.
Should you contact a lost love?
Contacting a lost love is a delicate matter and there is no one-size-fits-all answer. If you hear from mutual friends that the person is open to it, you might consider reaching out. Otherwise, you may find out it hurts more than it helps.
What happens if you lose your love?
If you lose your love, feelings of hurt and loss are natural. It might feel like your world has been turned upside down. Eventually, the intensity of these emotions will lessen, and you’ll start to heal.
Can lost love be rekindled?
Lost love can sometimes be rekindled, especially if the issues that led to the breakup are resolved and both parties are willing to try again. Yet, it’s crucial to examine what went wrong the first time around or if those issues are likely to resurface.
Will no contact work if they lose feelings?
Going with no contact can sometimes make the other person guess what went wrong and reevaluate their feelings. However, if they have definitively lost feelings, no amount of contact is likely to change that.
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