I Love My Partner, But How Do I Know If He’s The One?
It can be challenging to determine if the person you’re in a relationship with could be “the one,” even if you love them deeply. If you find that you’re able to open up to your partner, that you naturally include them in your plans, that you love their flaws, and that you can understand how they think, it’s possible that your significant other could be the one. For professional help determining whether your boyfriend is the one, it can be beneficial to speak with a licensed therapist about your feelings. You can connect with a professional therapist in person or online.
It can be easy to think “I love my boyfriend!” when you are feeling excited about him in the beginning stages of the relationship. However, some of those feelings may be related to the novelty of the experience, not necessarily to your partner. Here are some indicators that you might be moving beyond infatuation and truly falling in love with your boyfriend or partner:
You’re opening up to him
When you begin to let your boyfriend in on topics that make you feel vulnerable and insecure, it can be a sign that you’re beginning to see him as more than just a fling. At the very beginning of a relationship, you may tend to show yourself as the person you think he wants, not the person you truly are.
You don’t necessarily need to trust someone to feel infatuation and attraction on a date, but trust can be one of the key ingredients of love, according to the psychological theory known as the Quadruple Framework. As your feelings deepen, you often become more comfortable revealing your rough edges and weak spots.
You include him in your plans
As you fall harder for someone, the idea of the two of you being together can feel more and more natural. In the infatuation stage, seeing your boyfriend or significant other may feel exciting and even a little scary.
Once your feelings begin to deepen into love, though, it may become second nature to imagine doing things together. You might find that you assume you’re going to see him over the weekend, instead of desperately hoping for it. When you imagine yourself in the future, you may naturally imagine he’s there with you. Instead of always wanting to see him and focusing on every detail to make sure everything is perfect when you spend time together, you may simply count on him being there.
This shift might seem like the romance is fading, not deepening. But, in reality, it may be a sign that you’re viewing your boyfriend as a true partner. An experiment on marital happiness found that couples who naturally referred to themselves as “we” during conversations typically had greater levels of relationship satisfaction. Thinking of yourself and your boyfriend or partner as a unit can be a sign of a more strongly established love.
His flaws seem charming
As noted above, you’ll probably become more comfortable revealing your less appealing traits as the relationship grows stronger. The same will likely happen with your boyfriend. You’ll typically learn more about his irritating habits, his social blind spots, and his irrational likes and dislikes.
Pay attention to your reactions to your boyfriend’s flaws. Do they irritate you so much you can’t stand to be around them? Or is part of you smiling inside even when you want to grab and shake him?
Research on relationships has found that couples who are deeply in love tend to view one another through rose-tinted glasses. This situation doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll like everything about your partner, but you may interpret his not-so-great qualities more positively or see the ways that his weaknesses can also be strengths. This idealized image seems to be positively correlated with long-term relationship success.
It can be easy to appreciate someone’s good looks, great style, or intelligent mind. However, it often takes real love to see stubbornness or corny jokes as part of a person’s charm.
You understand how he thinks
It may sound a bit cheesy to say that someone “just gets you.” This overused line could be pointing to an important truth about love, though. Empathy — the ability to get inside someone else’s head and see things from their perspective — may be an important feature of genuine love.
A 2005 neuroimaging study discovered that people who were in loving long-term relationships showed increased activation in their “mirror neurons.” Mirror neurons are located in a region of the brain’s frontal lobe that usually helps us to see ourselves in other people. Deep love appears to increase our empathy for our partners. If you experience your boyfriend’s pain and understand his point of view instead of finding ways that he is wrong, it’s often a clue that you’re in love.
Sex is better
Many surveys on sexuality find that people experience higher levels of sexual satisfaction when they are in loving, committed relationships. This finding may seem obvious when you think about some of the other markers of love we discussed above. For instance, it’s easy to see how greater trust and empathy could make people better at communicating what they like in the bedroom.
Not everyone who experiences romantic love also experiences sexual attraction, of course. Levels of desire can vary a great deal depending on sexual identity and orientation, even among perfectly healthy people who are deeply in love. That said, if you seem to be reaching new levels of enjoyment in your sex life, it may be because you’re in love with your boyfriend or significant other.
It’s easier to stop thinking about him
It might sound strange that not thinking about your partner all the time can be an indicator of love. Still, there may be good reasons to view this change as a sign that infatuation is deepening into love. Studies suggest that being frequently distracted by thoughts of your partner is often characteristic of early-stage attraction, which is frequently obsessive and impulsive. Lasting love typically requires you to be able to focus on your own world instead of constantly daydreaming about your partner.
You make him a priority
Have you noticed yourself doing small things simply because they’ll make your boyfriend smile? Do you choose spending time with him over other fun activities? Perhaps most importantly, do you do these things without being pressured by him, just for the joy you feel when you’ve brought him happiness?
If the answer is yes, it can be a good sign that you’re in love with your boyfriend.
Are you still wondering if it’s really love?
It’s understandable to experience some uncertainty when your early emotions toward a partner are beginning to mature. The dizzying force of infatuation can make you seem a bit giddy and irrational, potentially leading you to question your own judgment. On the flip side, the fading of that initial passion might prompt you to worry that your love is petering out rather than deepening.
In this situation, it might be beneficial to check in with a licensed therapist, who can help you figure out if you’re really in love with your boyfriend or significant other. Sometimes, the objective perspective of an expert can be just what you need to see your relationship clearly. An experienced therapist may be able to suggest some healthy strategies for working through your feelings.
If you’re not certain you’d be comfortable talking with a mental health professional in person, you could give internet-based therapy a try. Many people who engaged in online counseling reported that the added distance gave them a sense of “comfort and control,” which made it easier for them to develop a connection with their therapist, enhancing the overall experience.
Though online therapy is still relatively new, research to date indicates that it has similar outcomes to in-person counseling. A meta-analysis examining studies with close to 10,000 participants in total concluded that both types of therapy appear to work equally well. You can get online therapy through any web browser, although you may want to download your browser’s most current update to ensure safety.
Takeaway
FAQs
How do you know if you really love your boyfriend?
You might start by asking yourself if you enjoy and accept his personality, the way he spends his time, and the values he holds. If you enjoy, respect, and love these things about him, that can be a strong indicator that you really love him. You can also think about his flaws and ask yourself if you can accept these as well, even if it’s hard at times. If you are hoping to fix his flaws or feel critical of what he does, this can be a problem over the long run and might indicate that you don’t really love him for who he is, but for who you think he could be.
Do I love him or am I just attached?
When we are strongly attracted to someone, we tend to think mostly about the sexual chemistry of the relationship. If the time you spend with your partner is mostly about the pleasure of your mutual physical attraction, that can be an indication that it’s not really about love. When you feel love, you might also be madly attracted, but you will typically also deeply enjoy talking to the person about emotions, life goals, and common interests, and you may enjoy activities together that are not only focused on physical intimacy.
What can I say instead of I love you?
You can tell the person what you appreciate about them. For example, you could say, “I really appreciate how you are so kind to people.” You could also do nice things for the person that you know they would appreciate to show your love instead of saying it, such as giving the person a special gift you know they would enjoy. If you want to say it in words without saying, “I love you,” you could say, “I adore you,” “I’m crazy about you,” “I have deep feelings for you,” or “You are very special to me.”
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