Building Sibling Relationships

Around 82% of children under age 18 in the United States live with at least one sibling. Sibling relationships can affect us as we grow up and throughout our lives, and having healthy relationships with siblings when possible may help promote positive mental health. See below for more about these unique relationships and tips for building healthy bonds if you have a sibling(s).

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Key factors that make sibling relationships unique

Sibling relationships can be difficult to generalize because there are so many factors involved. For example, how old were the parent(s) when each of the children was born, and what was/is their relationship like? What is the age gap between the siblings? What is the gender identity of each sibling? Under what conditions and family dynamics did they grow up? So although questions like the above give a glimpse into how varied sibling relationships can be, there are a few key characteristics that researchers have identified that make sibling relationships in general unique in comparison to other types.

The emotional power of sibling relationships

Relationships with brothers and sisters and siblings can be intense, even from childhood. Whether you’re on good terms with your sibling(s) or have a contentious relationship, the way these connections can affect you are often significant. Reasons for this could include experiences growing up together or being each other’s first friends in childhood. Also, many siblings have seen each other grow and change since the beginning of their lives, for better or for worse, and they may have deeply joyful and/or traumatic experiences as well, which can make for a unique bond. There can also be a competitive element to sibling relationships, such as a sibling rivalry, which can make these connections feel emotionally heightened.

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

The intimacy of sibling relationships

Another key characteristic of sibling relationships, as outlined by Dunn, is their level of intimacy. For example, siblings who grow up together tend to play a significant role in each other’s development. What one child does, another is likely to do—especially younger siblings. Depending on the age gap, one sibling can have even more influence on the other, which can impact their personal life, family life, and who they turn out to be. In other words, sibling relationships can profoundly shape a child’s “behavior, adjustment, and well-being, for better and worse.” That’s why many researchers who focus on this area of study believe that sibling relationships deserve much more attention from scholars, parents, and pediatricians.

The variance in sibling relationships

Why do relationships with these family members vary so much? Why can some be nearly picture-perfect, while others may be strained? Researchers used to point primarily to birth order, the biological sex of each child, and their age gap as key influences. While these factors may still be considered, several others are now more commonly taken into consideration, including:

• The personalities of each child
• The quality of relationships in the family overall
• Any social risk factors the family faces

Tips for improving sibling relationships

It’s not possible for everyone to have a close, intimate sibling relationship as they age. Distance and differing life paths, for example, can make it difficult to maintain bonds into adulthood, as can personality clashes and unresolved conflicts. That said, humans are social creatures, and research suggests that having close relationships with people we can lean on correlates with overall health—including mental health—and well-being. If you’d like to rebuild or strengthen your relationships with your sibling(s), some of these strategies could represent a positive starting point:

• Communicate openly to figure out sources of conflict and work toward resolving them
• Focus on what you have in common
• Reminisce about positive family memories
• Avoid comparing yourselves in terms of career, family life, finances, etc.
• Work toward letting go of grudges
• Actively schedule quality time together

Want to grow closer to your siblings? Online therapy may help

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How therapy can help

Strengthening your relationships with your siblings may involve improving your own communication skills and working through any unresolved childhood issues. It may be possible to accomplish these goals through therapy, whether you prefer the traditional in-person format or online sessions. Many people find online therapy to be more convenient since it doesn’t require traveling to and from appointments. With a platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist who you can meet with virtually from the comfort of home. 

Recent research suggests that online therapy may help improve relationships and mental health outcomes for families and that the effects of online therapy can be equivalent to face-to-face therapy in many cases. That means you can typically choose either format depending on your needs and preferences if you’re interested in pursuing therapy.