How to explore monogamy with your partner: 5 tips for couples

Whether you’re in a new relationship or long-term partnership, finding new ways to explore monogamy with a partner can be exciting and but complicated. Monogamy may be the norm in many Western cultures, but many couples are searching for new ways to structure their relationships and rethink the traditional notion of monogamy.

If you’ve committed to monogamy, there are numerous ways to define your relationship and potentially strengthen your bond with your partner. With enough time and mutual investment, a monogamous partnership can be one of your most secure and rewarding relationships. 

Read on for more information about the challenges and benefits of monogamous relationships, plus five tips to help monogamous couples improve their communication and deepen their connections. 

What is monogamy? 

As defined by the American Psychological Association (APA), the traditional definition of monogamy is marriage to one spouse at a time. 

In modern culture, social monogamy is also common and often used interchangeably with the general definition of monogamy. Social monogamy encompasses non-marital relationships, in which people commit to one mate and have one sexual partner at a time.

Monogamy is one of the most common relationship structures in Western cultures. While consensual polyamory (having multiple partners) and related similar structures are becoming more common, monogamy remains is one of the most common relationship structures in Western many cultures. people in non-monogamous relationships may face stigmatization and other social barriers.  

Benefits of monogamy

From psychological and individual perspectives, there are several potential benefits of monogamy. Some people prefer the perceived stability. In the case of social monogamy, you may also lower your risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection. 

In addition to its emotional and physical benefits, monogamy may also align with your faith-based beliefs and or life experiences, which sometimes steers helps partners away from avoiding the social stigma associated with ethical non-monogamy. 

Challenges of monogamy

While monogamy may be beneficial for many couples, this relationship structure also presents several potential challenges. 

Among mammals, monogamy is an uncommon practice. Out of a total of 4,000 mammalian species, only 3-5%three to five percent engage in strictly in monogamy. As a mammalian speciesDespite many humans, many humans engage in social non-monogamous relationships; notably, a 2016 studya 2016 study found that about 20% of American adults reported having engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives. 

These statistics may be attributed to several factors. Evolutionarily, monogamy may be an unstable mating strategy. Some researchers even suggest that earlier humans relied on multiple sexual partners to both reproduce and raise their youth. More partners meant more people to provide food for offspring, which may have fueled the evolution of larger human brains. 

In a modern context, social monogamy and intimate relationships are sometimes oftentimes complicated by several recent societal changes, including:

• Higher rates of people in the paid workforce across the all gender spectrum
• Longer hours spent at work and outside the home
• Lower marriage rates
• Fragmentation of extended family units

Collectively, these factors increase individuals’ financial independence while possibly exposing them to a wider range of potential partnership dynamics. Given the growing tolerance for acceptance of ethical non-monogamy, some couples view these challenges as a sign to explore other relationship structures that fulfill their sexual and emotional needs.

5 tips for monogamous couples who want to explore monogamy

In a consenting, loving relationship, it is possible to establish a definition of monogamy that works for you and your partner. 

As you explore and refine your approach toward monogamy, the following tips may help improve your communication and strengthen your relationship.

1. Be open and honest.

A spirit of openness and honesty is key to any healthy relationship. If you and your partner are committed to monogamy, it’s important to openly communicate about your needs around intimacy and let each other know what works –and what doesn’t. 

Opening up with each other can take time and may feel uncomfortable at first, but choosing to be vulnerable and honesty can create the foundation for is the basis of human intimacy. When you feel safe enough to share honestly with your partner, you also invite them to openly discuss their needs, insecurities, and goals for the relationship. 

Even if you’re not in a committed, long-term partnership, you can improve your dating life (and all other kinds of relationships) by prioritizing clear, honest, and judgement-free conversations. For example, if you’ve gone on a few dates with someone and feel more of a platonic connection, consider letting them know how you’re feeling. When you pair honest communication with kindness and respect, you may be more likely to attract and maintain meaningful, honest connections. 

2. Identify your love languages.

Whether you’re searching for a long-term partner or already in a monogamous relationship, you can improve your love life by learning about the five love languages. According to marriage counselor Gary Chapman, the love languages are:

• Words of affirmation
• Acts of service
• Receiving gifts
• Quality time
• Physical touch

Perhaps they prefer less physical touch, need more quality time, or tend to express their appreciation through acts of service, rather than words.

3. Learn from polyamorous couples.

Even if you’re in a strictly monogamous relationship, you may consider adopting some of the guiding techniques and principles used by polyamorous couples.

In polyamory and other non-traditional partnerships, relationship experts often emphasize the importance of forthright communication around sex, consent, and other aspects of a respectful relationship. Polyamorous couples may find success by engaging in clear conversations to clarify their boundaries and any health or emotional concerns.

Depending on partners’ sexual physical and emotional needs and love languages, the importance of sex and other acts of physical intimacy can widely vary. Nonetheless, monogamous couples might take a note from polyamory and make a more conscious effort to talk openly about the “hard” aspects of relationships.

4. Remember that monogamy comes in many forms.

Like other relationship structures, monogamy is not one-size-fits-all. Some couples may be exploring the concept of “open monogamy” and other forms of relationships that exist on a continuum between traditional monogamy and complete non-monogamy.

Dr. Tammy Nelson, a licensed psychotherapist and board-certified sexologist, emphasizes that we can define open monogamy in several ways. Open monogamy generally refers to a primary or central relationship or spouse paired with varying degrees of flexibility to explore other forms of romantic and sexual pleasure outside the main relationship. This exploration may involve reading erotica as a couple, discussing fantasies, or engaging in consensual sex with another partner.

Other experts sometimes refer to these alternative structures as “liminal” relationships, which exist in between our traditional notions of commitment and monogamy. As you unpack the meaning of monogamy, you may find it helpful–and even freeing–to challenge these boundaries and configure a more flexible, personalized arrangement. 

5. Consult the expertise of a licensed therapist.

If you’re in a monogamous relationship and trying to sustain or revitalize your connection, a licensed therapist may offer tools, knowledge, and empathy to guide you and your partner. 

While some couples prefer to begin this process with an in-person therapist, a growing number of couples and individuals use online therapy to support their mental health and relationship goals. With many online therapy platforms, you can connect with a board-certified therapist within a few days of completing a brief questionnaire. 

Online therapy may be just as effective as in-person interventions, as shown in a 2021 study of cou2021 study of couples teletherapy in the era of COVID-19. Based on survey data from 58 couples’ therapists, many therapists experienced a positive shift to online or telehealth therapy from in-person therapy, and 74% of therapists reported they would continue providing online therapy after the pandemic. Compared to in-person therapy, this study outlined several benefits of teletherapy, including the comfort of engaging in therapy from one’s own space or home as well as improved accessibility for patients unable to commute to in-person sessions.