Ten things people with covert narcissistic tendencies say

Understanding what covert narcissism looks like can be complicated. Unlike overt narcissism, covert narcissism may hide behind a veil of modesty and self-effacement. 

Those who employ covert narcissism may communicate in ways that subtly shift blame, provoke shame or anger, and twist language while maintaining an innocent facade. 

This article sheds light on ten phrases often used by people who reveal narcissistic tendencies in covert ways. When you can pick up on common language and behavioral patterns, you may better and more quickly understand someone’s underlying intentions and tactics.

What is covert narcissism?

Let’s first clarify the definition of narcissism. Narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD, can be characterized by a disproportionately high sense of one’s importance, a need to seek constant attention and admiration, a lack of empathy, and a mask of false confidence.

NPD tends to be more diagnosed in males than females and often commences in adolescence or early adulthood. However, some individuals with narcissistic tendencies or personalities may not qualify as having NPD. 

What does the difference between overt and covert narcissism look like? Someone who displays narcissistic tendencies more overtly may be more extroverted, aggressive, and overconfident. Faced with a challenge or conflict, they may choose to confront or “attack” others, perceiving any degree of criticism as a threat to their status or self-image

Those who display the more covert symptoms of narcissistic tendencies may mask their manipulative behaviors behind a veneer of insecurity, humility, and introversion. It can be helpful to know that it’s considered outdated and potentially harmful in the mental health field to label someone as a narcissist. 

This is, in part, because individuals shouldn’t be defined by any one aspect of their mental or physical health or abilities. Likewise, calling someone a narcissist may make them less likely to seek help from a therapist, regardless of whether are living with a mental health condition.

Ten phrases people with covert narcissistic tendencies might sa

You may know someone who displays narcissistic tendencies or qualifies for a diagnosis of NPD. When interacting with such people regularly, you might notice common phrases that lead you to question your own thought processes, values, or decisions. 

Keep in mind that many people might use one or more of these phrases in their lives, but not with the intent that someone with narcissistic tendencies might use them. If, after reading these phrases, you’re wondering whether someone you know may have NPD or could be trying to manipulate you, you can reach out to a mental health professional for guidance.

“I’m not like others”

People with narcissistic tendencies may perceive themselves as uniquely misunderstood or undervalued. This statement can serve a dual purpose to subtly communicate a belief in their superiority and solicit sympathy and validation from the listener.

“No one understands me like you do”

By saying this, someone with a narcissistic personality may be skillfully weaving a web of exclusivity and intimacy, striving to make you feel special and valued. However, they may be trying to establish an emotional dependency, which they can later exploit to their advantage.

“I never said that”

Gaslighting may be a standard manipulative tactic employed by people who exhibit narcissistic tendencies. In such cases, they may deny or distort reality to confuse or destabilize the other person. They might use this phrase to sow seeds of doubt in your memory and perception.

“You’re too sensitive”

By labeling you as overly sensitive, someone displaying covert narcissism may be attempting to dismiss your feelings and experiences, shift the blame onto you, and deflect attention from their inappropriate behavior.

“I’m only joking”

With covert narcissism, insults and criticisms are often cloaked in humor. If you take offense, they might use this phrase to trivialize your feelings and portray you as lacking a sense of humor, once again shifting blame and responsibility. 

“I hate drama”

Despite claiming to despise drama, people who show covert narcissism may frequently ignite conflicts, only to position themselves as the innocent party or the peacemaker later. This tactic can help them control situations and warp others’ perceptions.

“I just can’t win with you”

This statement may be an attempt to guilt someone or to demand sympathy from others. Using passive-aggressive language to frame themselves as the misunderstood party, they can evade responsibility and feel validated.

“I always mess things up”

Self-deprecating comments may appear as signs of vulnerability or humility. For people with covert narcissistic personalities, however, this may be a tactic to fish for compliments or reassurances and to deflect criticism.

“I’d be lost without you”

Someone employing covert narcissism may use this phrase to increase your sense of being essential in their life. The goal may be to establish or strengthen emotional dependency, making it difficult for you to leave the relationship or situation.

“You’re the only good thing in my life”

While this phrase might seem like a compliment, it places an unreasonable burden on you to be another person’s sole source of happiness. This unrealistic expectation may be a manipulation tactic aimed at keeping you emotionally invested and tied to them.

Recognizing the pattern

Understanding these phrases within the context of your unique interactions with others can be the first step toward recognizing unhealthy relationship dynamics. Other ways covert narcissism may manifest include using manipulation tactics to excuse bad behavior or wielding the silent treatment to further manipulate people into internalizing guilt or confusion.

Again, it’s helpful to remember that context matters. Not everyone who uses these phrases has NPD or is trying to strategically break you down. These phrases become red flags when they’re part of a consistent pattern that belittles, invalidates, or manipulates others.

Safeguarding your mental health against narcissism

If you find yourself confronted with what appears to be overt or covert narcissism, try to maintain clear boundaries. Recognize the tactics for what they are and resist their intention for you to internalize the guilt, blame, or inadequacy they may try to project onto you.

Professional help can also help. Therapists or counselors experienced in addressing narcissistic behavior can provide guidance, helping you navigate the complexities of the situation and develop effective coping strategies. 

Your mental health professional can offer resources, like support groups or social skills workshops, for individuals living with NPD or people who might be interested in growing into a better version of themselves.

Existing in a relationship with someone with narcissistic behaviors can be confusing, hurtful, and challenging. By gaining knowledge about their tactics, you can empower yourself to make informed decisions about the relationship and protect your mental health

Whether you’re struggling in an intimate, familial, professional, or platonic relationship, remember that you have the right to establish boundaries, seek help, and prioritize your well-being. 

You have a choice in how you respond or don’t respond, to someone’s behavior, and you can bolster your self-confidence and agency by arming yourself with knowledge, support, and empowering inner dialogue.

The benefits of online therapy

As technology becomes more integrated into our lives, mental health care has seen significant advancements, with online therapy or teletherapy becoming increasingly prevalent. 

Online therapy offers numerous benefits, providing more opportunities for mental health support. It can eliminate restrictions on distance, allowing individuals to connect with mental health professionals from the comfort of their own homes.

Online therapy platforms like BetterHelp offer flexibility in scheduling, often providing options for sessions outside of traditional office hours. This can make it easier to fit therapy into busy lifestyles.

The efficacy of online therapy

A 2018 study published in the Journal of Psychological Disorders found that online cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) may be equally effective as face-to-face treatment for major depression, panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder.

As with any therapeutic approach, success largely depends on your comfort with the platform, the quality of the therapist-client relationship, and your dedication to your mental health.