Passive-Aggressive Behavior: What It Looks Like And How To Stop It

Aggression of any kind can be a frustrating thing to deal with. Whether you’re having a routine disagreement with your spouse or witnessing a bar fight late at night, aggression can be part of daily life. What about when it comes to passive aggression? This is a different kind of aggression that can be much less obvious and, often, a lot more insidious when it comes to personal relationships. Since passive aggressiveness can be comparatively prevalent, it’s important to understand and be able to successfully work with it. Identifying, managing, and working with passive-aggressive behavior in yourself and others can help you put a stop to it before it can have harmful effects. This is true whether it be in romantic relationships, friendships, or even at work.

What is passive aggression?

Passive aggression is a behavior that people exhibit instead of being actively aggressive. While aggression is usually considered direct and easy to spot, such as when someone starts a physical fight or says something that’s plainly offensive, passive-aggressive behavior may be a bit more difficult to recognize. A passive-aggressive person can be very confusing and difficult to deal with. The behaviors and communication styles attributed to passive aggression tend to be somewhat manipulative and designed to get the other person to feel or behave a particular way. Therefore, it can be complicated to identify and work with passive aggression. 

Researchers have investigated why passive aggression happens, and although there’s no solid reason, there are a few suspects.

There are some very specific signs of passive aggression that you can use to identify it, whether in yourself or the people around you. There are also techniques you can learn to help yourself manage passive-aggressive behaviors from others healthily and calmly.

The signs of passive-aggressive behavior

The signs of passive-aggressive behavior tend to be more subtle than the signs of outright aggressive behavior, so you may have to look more closely to see it. In comparison to active aggression, passive aggression may be slight. Often, you must pay attention if you want to spot and remain unaffected by it. Still, though, there may be some obvious signs of passive aggression that you can look for. Here are some of the most common things to look for:

Resistance to suggestions, orders, or requests from other people

Resistance can be a defining feature of passive aggression. This resistance may take many forms, but it can often manifest as irritability, subtle argumentation, or making jokes at the other person’s expense. Making elaborate excuses and/or procrastinating can be another form of resistance. Depending on the passive-aggressive person’s exact behaviors, resistance can be either comparatively easy to spot or extremely difficult to notice. Regardless, the target of the passive aggression may be likely to feel embarrassed, hurt, or otherwise uncomfortable with the person and their behavior. It’s very possible that these uncomfortable emotions will initially appear to have no basis in what’s happening.

Backhanded compliments

While an aggressive person might actively say something mean about another person, a passive-aggressive person will often say something that sounds like a compliment but is actually meant as a slight. These backhanded compliments can be phrased in particular ways, said with specific intonations, and contain certain word choices that set them apart from authentic compliments. One of the easiest ways to notice a backhanded compliment is by tuning into yourself, rather than focusing so intently on what the other person is saying. If someone says something to you that sounds like a compliment, but you notice that you feel bad after talking to them or are uncomfortable and embarrassed for no apparent reason, there’s a possibility that you were paid a backhanded compliment. Spotting these “compliments” can be easier in retrospect.

Changes in behavior for no apparent reason

People who behave in a passive-aggressive way tend to avoid or instigate conflict by patterns of avoidance or even semi-abandonment. When a passive-aggressive person gets into a fight with another person, they may choose to disrespect the other person by not speaking to them, avoiding them, or even ignoring them in a general way. For the most part, the other person probably doesn’t know what went wrong and may feel deeply hurt by this form of passive aggression.

Other behaviors and actions

Passive aggression is most notably a behavior that involves a fair amount of manipulation. But, unlike true manipulation, the person who demonstrates passive-aggressive behavior may or may not be entirely aware of how their actions (or lack thereof) affect the people around them. Sulking or being “mopey” may be common when it comes to passive-aggressive behavior. There are many different behaviors or actions that passive-aggressive people demonstrate when they’re upset, and though there’s a theme, the exact behaviors vary.

How to manage passive aggression

If you’re on the receiving end of passive aggression, it’s important to know how to handle it so that you can take care of your well-being. You can also be a source of support to the person who is behaving passive-aggressively if you wish. One of the most powerful things that you can do is stay calm and recognize that the other person is experiencing a negative emotion. You can point it out to them and encourage a conversation, or, in some cases, it may be preferable to maintain a behavior of understanding and to give the person space (and initiate a conversation later). Most often, if you choose to bring up the situation, the person may deny that they’re feeling upset, at which point it’s best to give them the room they need to work through their feelings. If you’ve been told that you are passive-aggressive or noticed these behaviors in yourself, there are a few things you can do:

Work on becoming more self-aware

When you work to have a greater sense of self-awareness, you may be more equipped to notice your own passive-aggressive behaviors and tune into them in a productive way. Becoming aware of your behaviors and then trying to understand why you might be upset can be a powerful first step toward being able to communicate and interact with the people around you in a healthier way.

Forgive yourself and give yourself time

You may have expressed emotions in a passive-aggressive way for many years but it’s important to be forgiving and give yourself the time you need to make changes. Change doesn’t happen overnight, but rather in small steps over time.

Learn to express yourself in different ways

Reading books and working to build a stronger emotional vocabulary may help you stop behaving in passive-aggressive ways. You may learn other newer, more productive ways to communicate with the people around you. Besides building vocabulary, practicing art, dance, or music to sublimate emotions can also be beneficial when it comes to tuning into yourself and making lasting, worthwhile behavioral changes. Expressing your frustration in a healthy way can make situations healthier for you and others.

If you’re someone who behaves passive-aggressively in response to negative emotions, you may have some trouble readjusting and changing your behavior, especially if it’s been ingrained in your brain and patterns over some time. If this is your situation, it may be time to reach out for support from someone qualified to help.

Online therapy for managing passive-aggressive behavior

Sometimes it’s necessary to seek help for resolving patterns of passive-aggressive behavior. If you or someone you know is exhibiting passive-aggressive behavior and it’s affecting your life in a negative way, it may be time to contact a therapist for assistance. There are many kinds of therapy available to help remedy passive-aggressive behavior including cognitive behavioral therapy, family therapy (where relevant), and hypnotherapy. 

If you find that passive-aggressive behavior is affecting your relationship, online couples counseling may be beneficial. One study shows that 95% of couples who engage in online couples counseling consider it “helpful” which may be an option for relationships where passive-aggressiveness is present. 

Online therapy has many perks. It’s convenient for participants since there’s no requirement to travel for an appointment and clients can feel more at ease when speaking to a therapist from the comforts of their home.