You may have heard the expression, “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine.” If so, If you have, then you may be familiar with reciprocity, which. describes a mutual exchange between two parties.
In relationships, it can be natural to want your partner to put in the same amount of effort that you are, whether that is achieved through quality time, affection, or emotional support. Lacking this balance can be frustrating and unhealthy. For this reason, it can be important for couples to practice healthy reciprocity through their actions and words.
In this article, we will take a closer look at how couples can incorporate this healthy reciprocity into their relationship.
The idea of a reciprocal relationship starts with the concept of reciprocity. The American Psychological Association defines reciprocity as “benefit. The quality of an act, process, or relationship in which one person receives benefits from another and, in return, provides an equivalent benefit.” In other words, reciprocity is a balanced state of equal give and take.
In romantic relationships, reciprocity means that each partner gives and receives the following in equal measure the same amount of things:
Love
Support
Intimacy
Respect
Quality time
Commitment
If you are wondering whether your relationship is reciprocal, try asking yourself the following questions:
Does your relationship involve mutual respect?
Does your relationship involve mutual trust?
Do you and your partner and I listen to each other? Do we make each other feel heard?
Are you and your partner able to compromise in a way that it’s fair to both of you?
Do my partner and you and your partner each feel valued by each other?
Do my partner and I feel satisfied by what you receive similar things in this relationship?
Why are these things important? A mutual exchange of affection, respect, and effort can help keep a relationship healthy and create a clear sense of balance. It can promote emotional investment by ensuring that both partners are equally engaged in the relationship. Both partners can build a deeper connection that goes beyond what one would have with a complete stranger.
Reciprocity can benefit an intimate relationship in various ways, such as:
Fairly balancing responsibilities
Helping each partner to feel heard and understood
Giving each partner a sense of support and safety
Making it easier to solve conflicts
Preventing resentment
Encouraging collaboration and loyalty
With this in mind, we can start to see it becomes apparent why reciprocity may be of fundamental importance in relationships. But what exactly does this look like?
Types of reciprocity in relationships
Reciprocity in a relationship can take several different forms. Understanding each of them may help you figure out if you need to take a more balanced approach in your relationship. Types of reciprocity may include:
Balanced
You might think of balancing reciprocity as a classic “trade.” It means doing something for someone with the expectation that they will do something similar for you. For example, if one partner gives the other one an anniversary present, it may be natural to expect one of a similar value in return. In these cases, communication can be of notable importance. Whatever is being exchanged is usually of a similar value.
Generalized
Between family members, friends, and loved ones, it can be common for one person to do a favor for another without expecting anything in return. They might do this selfless act out of love or because they know the other person would do the same thing for them if the roles were reversed. This type of selflessness between loved ones is called generalized reciprocity.
Negative
Negative reciprocity is generally an unhealthy form of reciprocity. When does it occur? When one person tries to get more from someone than they’re willing to give in exchange. An example of this in a romantic relationship might involve your partner expecting you to shower them with gifts and favors when they only return the affection once in a while.
Negative reciprocity may lead to unwanted effects in a relationship, such as:
Resentment
Unequal division of responsibilities
Mistrust
Power imbalances
Unhealthy behaviors
Trouble resolving conflicts
Difficulties in communicating
In a committed relationship, striking a fair balance of effort may help prevent these effects and keep the dynamic healthy.
Getty/Jordi Salas
Tips for fostering a healthy relationship
A healthy relationship is one where there is a reciprocal exchange, ensuring mutual benefit for both partners. If you notice that your relationship does not seem reciprocal, you may be able to make it more balanced by being proactive and working with your partner. Practicing reciprocity in your relationship may include the following:
Practicing active listening
Active listening is about paying focused attention to what your partner is saying instead of just waiting for your turn to talk. Asking questions and giving them your full attention can also make your partner feel heard and understood. For example, incorporating physical touch, such as a reassuring hand on the shoulder, can complement active listening and show that you are fully present and honest in the exchange. Get into the habit of using active listening when you communicate, and encourage your partner to do the same.
Balancing responsibilities
Responsibilities related to childcare, household chores, financial commitments, and more commonly arise throughout daily life. Consider sitting down with your partner to make a list of tasks, then discuss how to balance them out fairly. For instance, you might be in charge of cooking dinner, and your partner might be in charge of taking the kids to school.
Solving problems fairly
Compromise is a two-way street and can be a key part of a reciprocal relationship, especially during arguments. Consider approaching conflicts with a problem-solving mindset. This often means being willing to meet in the middle so each person can get what is most important to them, even if they do not get everything they want. Signs of a healthy relationship include the ability to respond to each other's needs effectively and with empathy.
Remembering balance
It can be essential for each partner to remember that a relationship is a give-and-take. If you notice that your partner is giving most of the affection, quality time, or attention in the relationship, consider doing something nice for them in return. Conversely, if you believe you're pulling more than your fair share of the weight, you might want to gently bring this up with your partner. Avoid focusing solely on one party's desires, as this can lead to an imbalance that undermines the well-being of the relationship.
Considering counseling to develop a healthy partnership
Sometimes, finding reciprocity in your relationship is hard to do without help. Other times, you might just want a second opinion on the balance between you and your partner. Either way, getting professional advice can often be helpful. A therapist or relationship counselor may be able to help you and your partner develop the right habits for a sustainable, reciprocal relationship. For example, they may be able to help you develop more open communication and interdependence.
Online therapy options
That said, attending in-person couples therapy can be tricky, especially for partners who have kids, children or busy work schedules. Online therapy may be an easier alternative. Platforms like BetterHelp (for individuals) and RegGain (for couples) let you attend counseling from the comfort of your home by using various convenient formats, including video chat, phone calls, and in-app messenger.
Studies show that online relationship therapy may be an effective alternative to in-person therapy. In 2022, researchers gave 30 couples either face-to-face therapy or therapy by teleconference. A 2022 study found that therapy online therapy led to similar improvements in relationship satisfaction as in-person therapy.
Takeaway
Reciprocity in a relationship is the idea that each person in a relationship puts in equal effort and receives equal benefits. For couples, this often means giving and receiving equal affection, support, or quality time. Striking a reciprocal balance can increase trust and deepen the bond that partners share, leading to a more trusting and balanced relationship. On the other hand, a lack of balance can lead to problems with communication and trust issues. For this reason, it can be important to practice reciprocity with your partner by actively listening to them, dividing responsibilities fairly, and prioritizing an equal give-and-take. Relationship counseling through online platforms like Regain for couples and BetterHelp for individuals may help couples strike a healthy balance and build a mutual skill set.
The information on this page is not intended to be a substitution for diagnosis, treatment, or informed professional advice. You should not take any action or avoid taking any action without consulting with a qualified mental health professional. For more information, please read our terms of use.
Search
Get the support you need from one of our therapistsGet started