Feeling Distant? How To Get The Spark Back In A Broken Relationship

Most people in long-term relationships experience highs and lows over time. Even in a healthy partnership, it can be totally normal for couples to feel stuck at times. However, if a couple has started frequently arguing or feeling like they’ve grown apart, it may be a sign of more significant issues, such as a damaged or broken relationship.

Although being in a damaged or broken relationship can feel overwhelming, there are strategies that couples can use to try to reduce negative feelings and rekindle relationship intimacy. Here, we’ll examine some potential root causes of a broken relationship and explore strategies to bring back the spark in a long-term connection. 

Possible root causes of feeling disconnected in a long-term relationship

There are many potential root causes of people feeling disconnected from their partner in a long-term relationship. Some examples include stress, unresolved conflict, and poor communication. Moving forward toward the possibility of rekindling intimacy often starts with understanding and identifying the underlying cause of the disconnect between partners.   

Stress in a long-term relationship

Stress can have several impacts on a relationship. It can be caused by internal relationship factors and/or external relationship factors. Internal stress is that which is caused by the relationship itself. For example, challenges with communication can make it stressful for partners to interact with each other. This dynamic can then cause increased irritability and conflict, where small disagreements escalate due to heightened emotions.

External stress is caused by factors outside of a relationship, such as challenges at work. When a person feels stressed, they may become withdrawn and disconnected, which can make the relationship feel distant or cold. Additionally, high stress levels may reduce quality time and affection. As couples become preoccupied with external pressures like work, finances, or family issues, it can become more challenging to prioritize their bond.   

Unresolved conflicts

Virtually all relationships experience conflict from time to time. However, when those conflicts go unresolved, it can cause a sense of disconnection. Over time, unresolved conflicts can build up, creating tension that can surface as frequent arguments or emotional withdrawal. It may also contribute to a cycle of negativity where partners expect tension rather than connection, increasing feelings of resentment and frustration. 

Lack of communication

Communication is often considered to be the foundation of a healthy relationship, and partners with open and honest communication may be better able to develop close emotional and physical connections. A lack of communication or communication beyond small talk can make a partner feel lonely or isolated and may also make it challenging to resolve conflicts. It can also create misunderstandings and misinterpretations, which may lead to irritation, frustration, and resentment over little things. 

How to get the spark back in a broken relationship? Starting with communication

Again, one common cause of emotional disconnection and lack of intimacy is poor communication. For couples experiencing emotional disconnection, it may be beneficial to spend time focusing on building communication and listening skills. With active listening, for example, partners set time aside to listen carefully without judgment to understand how their partner is feeling. 

Regular, open communication like this can help each partner feel more trusting of the other, which can increase emotional intimacy and bring them closer together. In addition to verbal communication, emotional intimacy may also be strengthened through small, intentional, nonverbal gestures, like affectionate touch for expressing gratitude.

Rekindling physical connection and sexual intimacy

Physical touch and sexual intimacy, if applicable, often play an important role in maintaining closeness in a romantic relationship. With a new partner, you may start a relationship with a strong sex life and high levels of physical affection, but over time, routine, stress, or unresolved issues can create distance. For couples who are feeling disconnected in this way, focusing on intentional physical affection and contact may help them feel attracted to one another and improve their love life and intimacy levels over time. 

Strategies for revitalizing the feeling of love through sexual intimacy

For couples with a sexual relationship, sexual intimacy is often more than just a physical connection. It can also be a powerful way to strengthen emotional bonds and deepen love in a partnership. When nurtured intentionally, sexual intimacy may help reignite passion and create a stronger foundation for long-term happiness. Affectionate physical contact of all kinds can require vulnerability, which often helps build trust. 

For couples facing challenges with emotional disconnection, it may be beneficial to prioritize time for intimacy and physical connection. Physical intimacy doesn’t have to be sexual, as other forms of touch can also build emotional warmth and connectedness, such as: 

• Holding hands
• Cuddling
• Hugging

It may also be helpful to create a dynamic where both partners can communicate their wants and needs for physical contact openly without fear of rejection. 

Working with a sex therapist for advice on how to get the spark back in a broken relationship

In some cases, couples may be able to improve their sexual intimacy by working with a certified sex therapist. A sex therapist can share strategies and techniques for building intimacy while also considering each individual’s mental and physical health needs. Sex therapists may suggest techniques to help partners rediscover passion and closeness, such as:

• Mindful touch exercises
• Communication strategies
• Behavioral changes
• Role play

Sex therapy can also offer couples a safe space to discuss topics that might feel uncomfortable to address on their own.

Creating new shared experiences

In addition to fostering intimacy and improving communication, having enjoyable shared experiences as a couple may help increase connection. After the initial stages of dating, some couples get stuck in a rut, and responsibilities such as working or raising children can make it challenging to plan novel experiences. Making it a point to regularly engage in fun activities together can help build new memories and break up the monotony of daily life. 

Shared experiences can be smaller date nights held weekly or monthly, or they could be larger-scale events, like:

• A spa day
• A hike
• A picnic
• A trip

The idea is to carve out regular time to spend as a couple doing new activities or engaging in mutually enjoyable hobbies. Consider mixing things up rather than doing the same things you’ve done a million times before. Shared adventures may help partners see each other in a new light and reignite feelings of joy and curiosity. 

Prioritizing quality time together

Quality time means more than simply being in the same space with a person. Instead, it usually involves both partners engaging with each other in deep and meaningful ways. To enhance the time they do spend together, couples might set ground rules for date nights to avoid falling back into old habits, such as removing phones and turning off the TV. Then, they might play games, engage in deep conversations to increase vulnerability, or explore a new hobby where both individuals are learning and growing together. 

Fostering personal growth and self-love

When both individuals are committed to their own personal growth and self-love, it may help strengthen the foundation of the relationship. It might seem counterintuitive, but practicing techniques such as mindfulness, pursuing individual interests and personal hobbies, and improving self-confidence can allow each partner to bring a balanced and healthy version of themselves to a relationship. This can help increase stability in a relationship and may create a foundation for effective communication and empathy.  

Benefits of focusing on personal mental health

Focusing on improving mental health and practicing self-love and self-respect may reduce dependency on a partner for validation, allowing each person to contribute to the relationship from a place of security rather than need. Additionally, personal growth may foster emotional resilience, helping couples navigate challenges with greater patience and understanding.

Balancing togetherness and independence

During the early days of a relationship, partners may want or feel like they need to spend every possible moment with their significant other. While spending quality time together can strengthen emotional bonds, maintaining individuality and personal space may be equally important for long-term fulfillment and to become a better person overall. Too much togetherness can sometimes lead to codependency, where personal identity becomes lost in the relationship, while too much independence might create emotional distance. Striking a balance often means the relationship work while also pursuing personal interests, friendships, and goals. 

Connecting with a sex therapist or mental health professional for support

Couples in a damaged or unhealthy relationship may benefit from a support system that includes a mental health professional, such as a couples therapist or sex therapist. A couples therapist can work with partners to identify barriers and help them rebuild emotional connection, while a sex therapist may focus specifically on improving sexual intimacy. In addition to relationship education and therapy, it can also be helpful for partners to each see a therapist individually, especially if they’re experiencing mental health symptoms or past trauma that affects how they show up in their relationship.

However, regular in-person sessions with relationship experts can be challenging to coordinate and travel to for both individuals and couples. If you’re looking for a convenient alternative, you might consider online therapy. Online therapy sessions through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples can take place from anywhere with an internet connection and a personal device. That means you can receive professional help remotely from a place where you feel comfortable. Research suggests that online therapy can often be similarly effective to in-person therapy for fostering a healthy relationship.