First Love Theory: What It Means And How It May Affect You

First love theory is a concept popularized on TikTok suggesting that people, especially men, never fully get over their first romantic love. While it isn't a clinical psychological theory, it raises real questions about how early relationships may shape the way we express emotions and connect with others. If you find that a first love is influencing your present relationships, or your thoughts of future ones, understanding this idea may help you move forward toward healthy, fulfilling connections.

What is the first love theory?

First love theory is not an evidence-based psychological framework, but rather an idea that has become popular on social media platforms like TikTok. It proposes that some people may never forget their first romantic partner, suggesting that the initial spark of an early love may set expectations for what love "should" feel like in a subsequent relationship. While a person's first love usually doesn't last, some believe it influences how they'll connect with future romantic partners.

An article on the topic quotes Shanna Kattari, associate professor at the School of Social Work and in the Women's and Gender Studies Department at the University of Michigan. Kattari says that the powerful rush of feel-good chemicals in the brain that a first love can bring may leave a lasting impression, "even long after that initial spark is gone, whether or not we are still in that relationship." While these memories may persist, allowing them to negatively affect your current or future relationships can be limiting. If you find yourself having trouble moving past an early relationship, working with a licensed therapist or relationship counselor may help you process these powerful feelings and shift unhelpful patterns.

Does first love theory apply more to men?

Much of the viral conversation around this concept centers on the claim that men, in particular, may never fully get over their first love, though people of all genders can experience this. There doesn't appear to be scientific proof that men specifically hold onto these feelings more than anyone else. In reality, people of all genders and orientations have the potential to experience early love deeply. That said, the way the way people are socialized and other circumstances may affect how they process or express these feelings, which could be part of why the theory took hold with this framing.

The "one that got away" mindset

Closely related to first love theory is the tendency to idealize a past relationship. If you dated your first love for some time but eventually broke up, you might end up with lingering feelings for them, wondering how your life could have been different if you had stayed together. In rare cases, "the one that got away" can turn into a rekindled love, but even if not, the memory of that relationship can affect you later in life. In some cases, you might compare new potential partners to that first love or wish for the past rather than living in the present.

What does psychology say about first love?

While first love theory itself isn't backed by formal research, psychology can help explain why early love feels so memorable. Falling in love affects the hormonal interactions in your brain, and these powerful forces can leave lasting impressions in the brain's emotional centers, shaping attraction patterns or expectations for future relationships.

How the brain responds to early love

According to cognitive scientists, feel-good brain chemicals called neurotransmitters are released when we're in love. These chemicals can explain why an early relationship might feel so intense and unforgettable.

Physical touch can make pleasurable feelings even more intense. The brain may remember these sensations from your first love and make you want to re-experience the neurochemical "high" you felt then. Because early love unleashes chemical connections like these, it can create lasting emotional imprints that stay with you.

Why first love memories can persist

The saying "you never forget your first love" may hold some truth, largely because of when and how these experiences occur. When a first love happens during adolescent brain development, people may be more likely to vividly remember the associated feelings, since the experience can create an imprint while individuals are still forming their identities. As a result, some people may continue to chase that type of feeling or dwell on the memory long after the experience, and while fond nostalgia is normal, clinging too tightly to it may block new, authentic connections.

Understanding the first, second, and third love theory

You may also come across a related but distinct idea sometimes called the first, second, and third love theory. This framework suggests that people may experience three distinct types of love over a lifetime: a first love that tends to be young and idealistic, a second love that often teaches hard lessons through difficulty, and a third love that arrives unexpectedly and may prove to be lasting.

Like first love theory, this is a popular framework rather than a clinical one. It's worth noting the two ideas are different, so it can help to keep them separate to avoid confusion as you reflect on your own experiences.

How first love can shape future relationships

A first love can influence later relationships in both encouraging and challenging ways. Understanding these effects may help you carry forward what's helpful while addressing what isn't.

Positive lessons from early relationships

The experiences of falling in love that felt exciting at the time, such as the racing heart and euphoria, can make for lasting memories, but so can the lessons learned. A first love has the potential to give a person formative experiences with empathy, communication, and vulnerability, which may be skills they can carry into future relationships. It's also common for people to "rewrite" their first love story or look back on it differently as they age, reframing what happened with more gratitude over time.

When early love creates challenging patterns

Early love also has the potential to create patterns that can be tough to break. Recognizing these tendencies may be a helpful step toward forming healthier ones. Some of the challenging patterns that may develop include:

• Chasing the intense feelings of early love
• Low self-esteem tied to a past relationship
• Difficulty trusting new partners
• Unresolved emotions that can make building real connections harder

Many people unconsciously return to old emotional roles, recreating dynamics that no longer serve them, which is why identifying these patterns can open the door to change. If any of these resonate with you, working with a licensed therapist or using the tips below may offer a place to begin.

Tips for moving past a first love

Whether your first love was recent or years ago, it's not uncommon to have trouble moving on, especially if you hold an idealized view of that person or that period in your life. If first love theory resonates with you, the good news is that it can be possible to reframe those experiences over time, turning heartbreak or regret into lessons learned and self-awareness gained. The following approaches may be helpful:

• Feel your feelings. Naming the way you're feeling without judgment can help you address your emotions in a positive way. Using mindfulness, journaling, or therapy to explore how you feel and why may help you process the emotions and move forward with more self-awareness.
• Take responsibility. If you feel responsible for the end of a past relationship or any pain caused, accepting that feeling with compassion can be a step toward healing. You can be kind to yourself while acknowledging the role you played and considering how you might handle relationships differently in the future.
• Focus on life outside of romantic relationships. Instead of dwelling on a past relationship, you might try expanding your focus to other areas of life. Taking time for self-care, enjoying non-romantic relationships, and focusing on hobbies can help you feel fulfilled.
• Consider what type of relationship you truly want. Self-reflection can help you understand what you're looking for in a future relationship, what a healthy relationship looks like to you, and what kind of partner you'd like to be.

When using insurance, certain BetterHelp features may be limited or unavailable, including chat-based sessions, groups/classes, and select self-help tools.

If these steps feel difficult to take on your own, you can connect with a therapist to move through them at your own pace.

How therapy can help you process past relationships

In individual therapy, you can work on cultivating more constructive thoughts and behaviors related to relationships. BetterHelp can be an appropriate start to learn more about online therapy in general and get support. A therapist can help you understand where difficult emotions from a first love may be coming from and work through them over time. You can also use therapy as a way to develop healthy interpersonal skills, like communication and boundary-setting, that may help you form stronger relationships in the future.

In addition to therapy, BetterHelp now offers psychiatry services through UpLift as an additional care option, which may include medication management when clinically appropriate, based on a full evaluation by a licensed psychiatric provider. Medication availability and coverage may vary by member location, clinical appropriateness, and individual pharmacy/insurance benefits. Prescribing decisions are made by the treating clinicians. We do not guarantee that any specific medication will be prescribed or covered by a member's insurance plan.

Benefits of online therapy

If feeling heartbroken or upset makes it hard to leave the house to attend appointments, you might find it more comfortable to connect with a therapist from home. Some providers on BetterHelp may be in-network with certain health plans, and co-pays average about $23/session for eligible members.

Coverage varies by plan, provider, and therapist availability. To find out if a provider is in-network for your plan, you can check in-network status on the BetterHelp site. The cost of online therapy via BetterHelp without insurance coverage ranges from $70 to $100 per week, billed weekly or monthly, with costs based on your location, referral source, preferences, any applicable discounts, and therapist availability.

How effective is online therapy for processing past relationships?

A large and growing body of research supports the use of online therapy as an alternative to in-person care. While studies specifically about online therapy for processing past relationships aren't available, research shows that modalities like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can be delivered online successfully, leading to symptom improvement. For example, a 2018 paper noted that online CBT could effectively treat conditions like panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, pathological gambling, stress, and chronic fatigue.

Online therapy platforms like BetterHelp can offer accessible, high-quality care to those who need it. Data from the platform show that, in 2024, the average rating for a live session on BetterHelp was 4.9 out of five, based on more than 1.7 million client ratings.