No Contact And The Power Of Silence After A Breakup For Better Mental Health

Breakups often come with challenging emotions, and everyone navigates this difficult experience in their own way. Some people need to cut off contact with their ex permanently, while others may be okay with reconnecting after a no contact period in which they’ve had time to move on. Meanwhile, some people must stay in each other's lives because of shared responsibilities, like children. 

Sometimes, a breakup is more than a parting of ways—it’s a traumatic experience requiring complete and permanent separation to preserve one’s mental health. This article discusses why some people choose to completely cut ties after a breakup and some signs that this could be the right choice for you. It also offers suggestions for taking care of yourself as you move on.

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Breakups can be traumatic, especially in toxic relationships

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Common reasons why people choose the no contact rule after a breakup

There are many possible reasons why some people choose to go no contact after a relationship ends. For example, some people must restrict or eliminate contact to avoid lapsing into old patterns or making hasty decisions based on emotional distress. Others may need to go no contact to make space for emotional healing. For some people in toxic or abusive relationships, no contact is a matter of protecting their mental, emotional, and even physical wellbeing. 

The stages of no contact

Some people may experience no contact in consecutive stages; for others, it may not be so linear. The first few weeks after parting are typically characterized by intense, overwhelming emotions. For example, you might feel a combination of shock, shame, fear, anger, and despair. Such distressing emotions can turn inward, leading to a sense of unworthiness or self-blame, or they might tempt you to reestablish contact or lash out and get revenge (which is still a form of reestablishing contact). 

After this stage, the urges to break no contact might become less severe, and you may begin the process of working through your emotions. With more time, the urges to break no contact will likely become minimal, and you may not be compelled to check your phone for missed phone calls or texts or scroll your ex’s social media profiles. Your confidence may return, and at this point, your focus might shift from your ex to self-exploration and rediscovery. You may also be ready to get back out there and pursue a serious relationship.

Self-love and acceptance at every stage

Remember that it’s normal to experience distressing emotions or want your ex back at any point. Even after years of separation, some people miss their exes and look back on the relationship with fondness, regret, sadness, and confusion. Such emotions may be necessary for individuals to grow and learn from the relationship, contemplating what went wrong (or right), who played what role in the breakup, and what they might do differently in future relationships. 

Why the power of silence can be healing after a breakup

Regardless of why you’ve decided to go no contact, the silence that follows can offer space to process your emotions. It may facilitate self-reflection and allow for a more objective view of the relationship, its issues, and how it impacted all parties involved. It can also provide a foundation for individuals to rebuild their lives and focus on their needs, interests, and futures.

Toxic relationships and the psychology of attachment style

In some relationships, no contact is necessary to preserve one's mental and/or physical health. While many factors influence why and how toxic relationships develop, one of the most common is attachment style. Research shows that attachment style is often influenced by early childhood experiences and the types of personal relationships one has throughout their life. 

Not all attachment styles are toxic. For example, some people who develop secure attachment styles early in life may develop the same approach to romantic relationships, cultivating trust and intimacy. However, individuals who experienced neglect or inconsistent care in childhood may develop an anxious attachment relationship style, characterized by a negative self-view and fear of abandonment, potentially leading to clingy or demanding behaviors.

People exposed to emotionally unavailable caregiving or abandonment might develop avoidant relationship attachment styles later in life. An avoidant attachment style is usually characterized by mistrust, emotional unavailability, and a lack of intimacy. Finally, some people develop a combination of fearful and avoidant attachments when caregivers are a source of fear and uncertainty in childhood. As adults, people with a fearful/avoidant attachment style may be clingy and crave attention, but also tend to be mistrustful and fear intimacy. This frequently leads to inconsistent behaviors in relationships.

The power of silence to heal from toxic relationships for those with an insecure attachment style

Although research is ongoing, studies suggest that insecure attachment styles can predict various negative relationship outcomes, including infidelity, abuse, and relationship dissatisfaction. For example, research indicates that the intense mistrust formed in anxious attachment can lead to extreme jealousy and psychological abuse in relationships. On the same token, people with anxious attachment styles may stay in abusive relationships out of fear of abandonment.  

In such relationships, silence can be an effective strategy for healing. It may be used to create distance from the toxic individual to protect emotional health and wellbeing. Silence may also prevent further conflict and escalation in a toxic relationship, especially when the toxic person is likely to engage in negative behaviors or attempt to manipulate the situation. 

The role of boundaries 

After a breakup, setting boundaries and prioritizing self-preservation are key to healing and moving forward. In general, boundaries define the type of treatment you will accept and protect your emotional wellbeing, especially when dealing with an ex-partner. To establish healthy boundaries, clearly define what actions are acceptable and what level of interaction (if any) you’re comfortable with. Communicate your boundaries in a firm, consistent manner, using “I” statements to express how you feel and what you need. For example, instead of saying, “Your continuous texts are making things hard for me,” say, “I feel uncomfortable when you text me, and I will block your number if you continue to contact me.”

How to handle boundary violations and protect your mental health

If your ex continues to contact you despite your requests for them to cease, it may be helpful to give them a deadline after which you will no longer respond. Calmly and clearly outline the consequences for violating your boundaries. For example, you could block them on social media. If they refuse to respect your boundaries or coerce you into justifying or explaining your behaviors, remember that you don’t owe them an explanation. Be prepared to end the conversation and enforce the consequences you laid out. If necessary, keep a record of your interactions, including the date, time, and circumstances. 

Screening text messages and other practical strategies for cutting ties

Going no contact can be more challenging for some people than others. For example, it may take some people several attempts to maintain the rule, while others may have the willpower to go “cold turkey.” Here are some suggestions for how to cut contact as painlessly as possible:

• Remove your ex's contact from your phone, unfriend or unfollow them on social media, and block their number and social media accounts. If communication is unavoidable, such as in cases of legal matters or shared custody, keep interactions brief, factual, and unemotional. 
• Remove items that remind you of your ex and refrain from going to places you frequented together. Take a break from social media to avoid temptation and see what’s going on in their lives. If you share mutual friends, let them know you’re going no contact and either take a break, cut ties from them completely, or set boundaries around bringing up your ex in conversation. 
• Spend time with trusted loved ones for emotional support and distraction. Try connecting with someone who understands what you're going through. Some people find attending an in-person or online support group helpful for sharing experiences and building connections.
• Focus on personal growth. Explore new interests and passions to stay busy and regain a sense of purpose. Focus on personal and professional goals to build confidence and self-esteem. 
• Remind yourself of the reasons you went no contact. Focus on the positive outcomes of this period of separation and what you can learn from it. Some find writing down their thoughts and emotions helpful in processing them constructively.

Rebuilding your mental health with self-care

With time, patience, and self-care, it is possible to successfully recover from a breakup and use the experience for personal growth and enrichment. Self-care strategies may include exploring and honoring your emotions and taking care of your physical health. Engaging in self-soothing activities that nourish and bring you joy can be beneficial as well. Consider seeking support from loved ones or a counselor, practicing mindfulness, and fostering a sense of self-compassion. 

Acknowledge and validate your emotions

Past research suggests that suppressing emotions can be harmful to your physical and mental health. When recovering from the breakup, acknowledge and validate your feelings, allowing yourself to experience the full range of emotions, including sadness, anger, grief, and loneliness. Denying or avoiding your feelings may prolong the healing process.

Allow yourself to grieve and process the breakup. Try not to blame yourself; breakups are often a complex mix of circumstances, and it's most likely that you both played a role. Be patient and kind to yourself, acknowledging your progress on the journey to healing.

Self-care tools rooted in psychology 

Self-care generally means caring for the whole self, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Begin by prioritizing sleep, nutrition, and exercise. Manage stress with techniques like deep breathing, visualization, and mindfulness practices. Meditation, yoga, and spending time in nature can promote relaxation and reduce anxiety. Many people find that a gratitude practice is healing. Try expressing gratitude through random acts of kindness and focusing on the small things you’re grateful for each day. 

Journaling can also be an effective tool for self-awareness and exploration. You may use a journal to record your experiences, but also to express gratitude and cultivate positive self-talk. Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you better understand yourself and your experiences. You might also spend quality time with loved ones and trusted friends who aren't connected to your ex. 

From emotional acceptance to mending your attachment style: When it’s time to see a professional 

Aside from coping with distressing emotions, therapy can be an excellent tool for growth and self-discovery. It can provide a safe space to explore any underlying issues. For example, a therapist may help you identify unhealthy patterns in your past relationships and address any challenges that may have contributed to relationship difficulties, such as an insecure attachment style. Therapy can help individuals with insecure attachment styles develop more secure attachment patterns and improve their relationship skills. 

Breakups can be traumatic, especially in toxic relationships

Find support in online therapy

Online therapy for thriving under the no contact rule after a breakup

Internet-delivered treatment tends to be popular among people looking for emotional support after significant life changes like breakups. Online therapy can also help you heal underlying issues contributing to relationship conflict so you might go forward, reclaim your identity and personal power, and redefine what a "healthy relationship" is on your own terms. 

BetterHelp offers users access to a wide pool of mental health professionals from diverse backgrounds and experiences. You can attend sessions from the comfort of your home on a schedule that fits your needs, which may be helpful if you’re experiencing depressive symptoms that interfere with your daily life. 

Research suggests that online therapy is effective for a variety of mental health concerns, including grief after a breakup. For example, a 2023 study published in The Journal of Cognitive Behavior Therapy followed 19 bereaved adults as they participated in a 12-week internet-delivered cognitive behavioral therapy (iCBT) program, finding that it greatly reduced symptoms of prolonged grief, depression, and post-traumatic stress.