Why Discuss Core Values In A Relationship?

A couple’s core values can be thought of as the guiding principles that build a strong foundation for communication, conflict resolution, and decision-making. Values matter in relationships, and discussing values can contribute to a healthy and lasting relationship.

At the start of a new relationship, it can be easy to become swept away in feelings of excitement, attraction, and fondness for your new partner. However, the initial feelings that often accompany dating or falling in love might not last forever and likely aren't a substantial enough foundation to sustain the well-being of a long-term relationship.

To last long-term, romantic partners must have more in common beyond initial attraction, which will likely fade over time. Relationship values can help build the foundation for a lasting and healthy relationship.  

Similar values may help relationships last

In a study of couples that have been married for 40 or more years, many named similar values as one of the keys to their relationship success. Some of their other responses may be thought of as examples of those similar values, such as:

• Commitment
• Altruism
• Good and honest communication
• Compromise
• Love 

Personal values vs shared values

For example, there are obvious ways in which commitment and good communication can benefit a relationship, but shared values must be present in both partners. If only one partner cherishes commitment and good communication, but the other does not, the relationship might not have as good a chance at lasting, because the person who doesn't share these attributes might be less likely to communicate openly or stick with the relationship during hard times.

Values as a foundation for trust and stability

Having shared values doesn’t mean you need to find a partner who is exactly like you. Nor does it mean you need to control your partner or push your values onto them. Instead, discussing core values means determining where your individual values intersect. Once you’ve identified shared values, you can use these principles as a framework for a strong relationship. It’s okay to have differing values as long as the two of you respect one another’s beliefs and can come to a mutual understanding. 

Relationship satisfaction and mental health

Agreeing on core values in a relationship can be good for your mental health and increase relationship satisfaction. For instance, if you both value having a loyal partner, then you may be less likely to worry about infidelity in your relationship. Being on the same page about this shared value can foster trust, which is a fundamental factor in strong relationships. Many couples discuss shared values and goals in couples therapy. 

Why discuss varying beliefs in a partnership

Spending quality time to discuss similar and different beliefs can help a couple determine if they have compatible core values, which can help clarify whether or not a happy, long-term relationship is feasible. 

Why is having similar values in a relationship important?

In certain realms, a lack of similar core beliefs may be less important. If both partners have mutual respect for each other's differing beliefs, they can still build a strong connection. For example, each partner may have a different idea of what types of fun activities they enjoy. One person may highly value fitness and spend their free time in the gym, while their partner may highly value nature and spend much of their free time bird watching. As long as each partner recognizes each other’s core values, doesn't judge them negatively, and feels confident spending time apart, a successful relationship could still be possible.

When discussing core beliefs, it’s important to remain open to what your partner believes and listen without judgment. Open-mindedness allows us to learn about different perspectives and different opinions regarding different situations in life. It can also help us maintain respect for others in and out of relationships. 

Values like honesty and trust may impact relationship satisfaction

A person's unique set of values will impact how they evaluate the romantic relationship they're in and, as a result, how happy they are in any given relationship. For example, attitudes toward saving money and making financial decisions can have a big impact on a relationship. Relationship experts have pointed out that a person's financial history may impact how much they value dividing expenses in a relationship. A person who is wealthy might not value dividing living expenses with a romantic partner because it might not alter their financial situation. But for someone who is struggling or has struggled financially in the past, dividing living expenses in a relationship could be immensely valuable and bring feelings of safety and stability. 

Similarly, a person who values helping others and receiving help may be happier in a relationship in which they are given the opportunity to give and receive help. A person who is more independent and doesn't highly value helping others or receiving help might not feel that having a helpful partner is particularly beneficial to them, because it doesn't fulfill one of their values.

The impact of culture and family on values in a relationship

Culture can also impact what brings a person happiness in a relationship. In some cultures, whether or not family members like and approve of a person's partner holds immense importance. A person living within a culture like this might feel much happier when in a relationship with someone their family likes and welcomes without reservation. Conversely, someone who comes from a culture that prioritizes independence more than family approval might not feel like it matters much whether or not their family likes their relationship partner.

Values can be linked to better relationship quality

An overview of multiple studies found that certain personal values are linked to better relationships, regardless of whether these values are similar or not. Specifically, these values related to higher quality romantic relationships, and are called "self-transcendence values”. Self-transcendence values involve doing things to benefit others. For example, being tolerant, caring, and dependable are all self-transcendence values.

People who have self-transcendence values are more likely to focus on their partner's needs in a relationship, which could be part of why they have better relationship satisfaction. They may also be more forgiving of their partners and more likely to make sacrifices for the relationship, whereas people who value having power tend to be less willing to support or sacrifice things for a romantic partner.

Common core values in long-term relationships

Every relationship is unique, but there are some core values that seem to be common among modern couples. You may recognize some of these values in your current or past relationships. 

Family and future-focused values

You may meet many people you’re attracted to and enjoy spending time with. For a relationship to last, though, you may need to have similar goals for the future. Family values and raising children are future goals for many people, but not for everyone. Before becoming too invested in the relationship, you may want to find out what your partner wants out of life and where they stand on issues like extended family relationships, where to spend holidays, and the like. 

Lifestyle and daily life values

People have different ways of living day to day. An individual’s lifestyle may include how they spend money, their daily life and routine, their work ethic, and more. While your partner might have a different lifestyle from yours, it may need to be compatible with your own if you are to have a healthy relationship. 

Emotional and physical connection values

You may have heard that people have different love languages. Some people receive love through physical affection, while for others, gifts or words of affirmation mean more. You don’t need to have the same love language to be compatible, but you may need to be comfortable with the way your partner gives and receives love. In particular, you might want to discuss things like physical touch and physical closeness in the relationship and how much personal space you both need. 

When to talk about values in a relationship

When dating intentionally, it’s never too early to start a conversation about shared values. Even on the first date, it’s commonplace to discuss shared interests. Without similar interests, many relationships may dissolve before they become serious. 

Revisiting values over time

Even if you talk about values early on in a relationship, you may want to discuss them periodically as the relationship evolves. Many young people have fluctuating values and interests as they’re finding themselves and embracing their identities. Values can change, so you might want to make sure you stay connected to core principles by regularly revisiting these discussions. Some partners grow apart due to changing values, discovering that they’re better off as friends or with someone else entirely.

Identifying your core values

Before you can talk to a romantic partner about your personal values in order to determine if you have similar core principles and beliefs, you may first need to identify what your own principles are. Both personal principles and relationship principles are important to identify, as they can impact how you act in a relationship and how you want to be treated. Try these tips for identifying your core values:

• Read articles about values.
• Take a values survey.
• Use a values card deck.

Read articles about values

There are many peer-reviewed articles about personal values, as well as less formal online articles and blog posts. Learning more about research on values and what principles other people hold and why may help you identify your own.

Take a values survey

There are a multitude of free surveys online related to values. Some have scientific merit, while others were created for fun. One questionnaire used worldwide for years, called the World Values Survey questionnaire, is available online for download as a PDF.

Use a values card deck

A few decks of value cards exist, which allow you a hands-on way to sift through commonly held values and determine which feel most important to you. For example, The Live Your Values Deck contains 73 cards that list core values and descriptions, along with instructions for identifying and ranking your top ten values.

Individual therapy with a mental health professional can also help you determine your personal values and what you’re looking for in a relationship.  

What happens when partners have different values?

It might be rare to find someone with exactly the same values and priorities as you have. Fortunately, it may not be necessary to have identical values in order to be happy together. Still, you may want to spend some time distinguishing between differing values that you can tolerate versus relationship deal breakers. For example, you may be able to accept that your partner has a different diet than you do, but infidelity might be a dealbreaker. Generally, if you both have each other’s best interests at heart, you may be able to work around having slightly different values. 

When to consider counseling for relationship values

If you are trying to identify your personal or relationship core principles, or trying to figure out if you have the same core values as your romantic partner, counseling might help. 

Exploring values safely in therapy

Counseling offers a safe space in which you can talk openly about your thoughts and feelings without judgment as you figure out what values you want to guide your life and relationship. You can also speak with a counselor about any concerns or worries you might have about the future of your romantic relationship. A licensed mental health professional can help you and your partner communicate with one another clearly and effectively, so that you can discover shared values and determine compatibility. A deep understanding of one another’s goals and values can help you make decisions that are in the best interests of both parties. 

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