Mental Health And The Science Behind Rejection: The Psychology Of “No”

Rejection is something everyone will experience from time to time. Whether it’s a job you interviewed for and didn’t get or a potential partner who turned you down, being told “no” can be a frustrating and even distressing experience. Even when a person tries to put it lightly, there are a few “rejected” synonyms that can soften the experience, with a noun like “denial”  or a verb like “repudiate” doing little to ease the pain of rejection or avoid hurt feelings. Despite the difficulty of this situation, it’s normal for human beings to experience these feelings, and there are ways to get through rejection. Let’s look at how the brain processes rejection and examine healthy ways to cope when you experience it.

Why does rejection hurt so much?

Physical and social pain overlap when it comes to rejection. Human beings are social creatures, and rejection in its many forms can function as a type of social barrier that makes you feel alone. In recent years, more psychology experts have begun to study the impacts of rejection and social reward. Professor of Psychology at Duke University Mark Leary and his colleagues did a study on school shooters in 2003, finding that only 2 out of 15 cases did not suffer from social rejection. In the next section, we’ll explore the physical and emotional impacts.

Physical and social pain overlap

The endogenous opioid system is the set of neurons in the brain that is responsible for controlling social distress and reward. Interestingly, the system is also in charge of managing physical pain. One study measured participants’ neurological responses to social rejection and acceptance situations. This brain system showed significant activation of certain brain regions in response to rejection, indicating that our experience is similar to physical pain. Rejection hurts—quite literally, according to neural evidence.

Rejection as a threat to belonging

Social acceptance and connection are core human needs. Humans are wired for relationships and community, and our brains are set up to react strongly to threats to this part of our lives due to human evolution and natural selection.

On the other hand, being abandoned or having a lack of social connections can lead to more significant psychological distress, social anxiety, and low self-esteem. It may even inhibit a person’s ability to form positive social relationships in the future. When looking at the wealth of scientific evidence, it’s easy to see why we’re built to avoid rejection and why we feel it deeply when it does happen.

What brain imaging studies suggest

Functional magnetic resonance imaging has backed psychological science in the theory that rejection is painful. The brain responds to rejection in the same way it does to pain. An fMRI study conducted at the University of California observed the brain activity in test subjects while playing an online game with what were supposedly two other people, but whose actions were being controlled by the computer. In the game, the computer players ignored the test subject and didn’t include them. The brain scan measured strong neural activity in the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, the part of the brain that responds to pain. Researchers found increased activity in the anterior insula in those who were skeptical about the experiment and believed the researchers were up to something. The anterior insula is a part of the brain that is active in problem solving and blocks some of the activity in ACC. 

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Types of rejection people experience

Most people feel rejected at some point in their lives. There are a number of ways that a person can experience rejection, from social disapproval to neglect, from academic and job rejections to direct bullying. 

Social exclusion and negative feedback

Rejection can be as subtle as facial expressions and other types of body language. A look, a turned shoulder, or silence can be enough for many to feel the pain of social exclusion. It can also be received as negative feedback for performance, or a simple “no” to a request. Social exclusion can begin in childhood and lead to a variety of mental health challenges and negative behavioral responses. 

Romantic relationships and painful rejection

For many, an especially painful rejection is the rejection of romantic relationships. This can be a rejection from a person you’d like to date who isn’t interested, or a breakup initiated by a romantic partner. Other types of painful rejection can include breakup of a friendship or going no-contact with a family member. 

Professional and everyday rejection

Everyday rejection can also have an emotional impact on most people.  There are few people that haven’t felt the sting of professional rejection.People who are already sensitive to rejection due to earlier experiences and trauma may find themselves reacting with less self-regulation than others when faced with everyday rejections. 

How rejection affects thoughts, feelings, and behavior

Humans are born with a deeply rooted, fundamental need for acceptance. While rejection can cause acute pain in the moment, repeated rejections can create negative cycles of behavior over time. 

Common behavioral responses

When an individual is faced with rejection, there are a number of common behavioral responses that they may experience. Some of these include: 

• Avoidance and social withdrawal
• Oversharing 
• Rumination and emotional outbursts
• Defensiveness
• Aggression
• Overaccommodating

Rejection and mental health

Over time, repeated rejections can impact mental health, especially in those who may have experienced bullying or social rejection in their childhood years. You may experience anxiety, low self-esteem, sleep disturbances, depression, or self-harm. 

Rejection sensitivity and borderline personality disorder

Certain mental health conditions can amplify the negative feelings around rejection. Rejection sensitivity is a common symptom of borderline personality disorder. Individuals with this disorder may experience strong overreactions to perceived abandonment or rejection. This can lead to impulsive behavior, intense rage, emotional pain, and self-injury. 

Severe depression and social withdrawal

Individuals who experience depression may react to rejection by avoiding others. Social withdrawal is a common depression behavior, and can be exacerbated by perceived or real rejection. On the other hand, individuals with depression may have fewer episodes of severe depressive behavior when they have a strong social support network. Other symptoms of depression may include:

• Anhedonia, a lack of pleasure in daily life and activities
• Sleep disturbances
• Changes in appetite
• Persistent feelings of sadness
• Feelings of worthlessness

When to seek help

When real or perceived rejection is connected to extreme behavioral responses such as social withdrawal, rage, or impulsivity, it may be time to seek professional help. Therapy for rejection sensitivity can help to identify triggers and causes, process emotions in a healthy way, and offer practical strategies to strengthen self-regulation. 

If rejection causes self-harm behaviors or suicidal ideation, seek immediate medical attention. 

How to cope with rejection

There’s no getting around it: Rejection can be painful. Synonyms like “deserted” do an efficient job of describing how it can feel to get rejected, while more synonyms like “forsaken” and “jilted” can help describe the deep emotional pain rejection can create. However, it’s an inevitable part of life, so building resilience in this area can be helpful. Read on for a few strategies you can try to deal with rejection better.

Remember that it’s usually not personal

It’s often easier said than done, but it can be helpful to consider your rejection from the other party’s perspective. A person who has denied you rarely intends for their actions to be hurtful. Usually, they’re just doing what’s right for them. Let’s say you didn’t get that job you applied for, for instance. It's likely they did not want to deny you intentionally - or all the people who also applied for the job - but rather they may have found a candidate whose experience was a slightly better fit. This can be a small comfort in some situations. 

Reframing negative feedback without self-blame

While it’s typically easy to zero in on what we’ve lost when we get rejected, it can be helpful to dismiss the negatives and think about what we’re gaining. For instance, let’s say you’ve been left by a potential date. You might remind yourself that you’re unlikely to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship with someone who’s not as interested in you as you are in them. Not getting the chance to build a connection with them also frees you up to form a relationship with someone else who may be an even better match.

Use it as a growth opportunity

It’s impossible in every case, but sometimes rejection can catalyze growth or self-improvement. Research has found that social acceptance activates the ventral striatum in the brain, an area that processes rewards, while the pain centers are activated by rejection. Experts believe that the brain learns from these experiences. Inquiring why someone chose to rebuff your proposal could give you valuable insight into how to improve your chances next time, for example. Asking someone who decided to end your relationship after a few dates if there’s anything you could do differently could yield fruitful feedback to help you build a healthier connection and maybe even avoid heartbreak with the next person. Seeing rejection as an opportunity rather than a setback may help you healthily shift your perspective.

Rebuilding connection after social exclusion

When you feel rejected after negative feedback or social exclusion, you can build back social reward by gradually and intentionally re-engaging with others. It can help to set small, manageable goals for yourself. You may start by engaging with online forums or groups, or reconnecting with friends online. Smile at neighbors and retail clerks. You may join clubs or hobby groups that interest you in order to connect with like-minded people. Working with a therapist on self-compassion can also help you to feel more comfortable making these connections. Practicing pro-social behaviors yourself or with professional help can make it easier to forge social bonds over time. 

Practice self-care

Some rejections may hurt more than others, such as if a family member chooses to renounce you. In these and similar instances, fully experiencing your feelings about the situation can be essential rather than trying to suppress them or avoid talking about them. Studies show that avoidance of grief can prolong the grieving process. That’s why taking good care of yourself after rejection can be helpful. Some things that may help include:

• Journaling about your feelings
• Sharing with a trusted friend
• Engaging in physical activity that you enjoy
• Pursuing preferred hobbies and activities
• Taking time to rest and rejuvenate
• Prioritizing sleep
• Spending time outside

How a therapist can help

Handling rejection can be challenging. Processing it with a trained professional is another way to help yourself get through it. A counselor or therapist can assist you in identifying the emotions you feel and why, cultivating a more realistic perspective about what happened, and helping you rebuild the self-esteem or courage to continue putting yourself back out there. Whether you’re concerned you may have a mental health condition like depression or social anxiety, or want a listening ear to help you work through difficult emotions, a therapist can help.

Suppose you’re nervous about meeting with someone in person, have trouble locating a provider in your area, or feel more comfortable attending therapy sessions when you do not have to leave your home. In that case, virtual therapy is one option to consider. Research suggests that online therapy can offer similar benefits to in-person sessions. With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist who can help you with the challenges you may face via phone, video call, or online chat. Regardless of your format, you can feel empowered to seek support and guidance if you struggle with rejection.