Is Angry Sex A Healthy Expression Of Sexuality?

Breakup sex is lauded by many as a more incredible type of sex that everyone should experience at least once. Some feel that angry sex is a normal thing between two consenting adults. You also might find people who worry about whether angry sex is healthy. 

Below, we’re exploring the range of expressions that anger can take on, as well as how it can manifest in patterns of intimacy. We’ll also explore different ways you can tell if angry sex is acceptable in your specific case.

Anger and sex: An overview

Anger is considered by many to be one of the basic emotions that humans can experience. Anger can be triggered by a range of experiences and can be tied to other emotions—including sadness. 

Anger can be a useful experience, as it can move people to act. However, anger can also be problematic if left unchecked.  

Generally, how anger is expressed overall can play a role in determining how it is dealt with in sexual encounters. Someone prone to healthy expression overall, for instance, might be less likely to have an unhealthy experience with angry sex. Someone who leaps to yelling or physical action when angry, however, might be more likely to be in danger of indulging in unhealthy sexual behavior during an outburst.

We do want to note: If angry sex becomes something closer to assault, that is never okay. If you're experiencing angry outbursts and you're worried about whether what you're doing with your partner is appropriate, then know that you are not alone. A national survey found that 7.8% of the US population has poorly controlled anger, so this is not an entirely uncommon issue.

Why can anger be involved in sex?

Although there is no definitive answer to this question, some researchers have suggested that the ability to transfer states of arousal could come into play—possibly linking intense emotions (such as anger) with instances of sexual arousal. 

Any extreme emotions, including fear and joy, can lend themselves to intense sexual experiences in some. During the expression of these emotions, the body can feel a powerful surge of emotions—which can then translate themselves into arousal in some. This can be due to the body's "fight or flight" response, which can release a flood of adrenaline. At this point, much like an animal shaking for an extended period after a scare, some people may seek out sex as a means of releasing extra energy generated by anger.

It can be helpful for many to try to recognize this need for what it is: A biological reaction to an excess of hormones and chemical surges. Engaging in sexual activity following a scare or an intense bout of anger can be a biological function to soothe your body through a form of release—or conversely, you may find that your sex drive is lowered as you work to process these emotions. Both expressions of emotion can be equally valid and can occur, at times, simultaneously. 

How can gender identity possibly impact anger, arousal, and emotional expression?

Healthy sexuality might also be expressed differently among genders. For example: Those who identify as female may be more likely than men to terminate a sexual encounter when anger or nervousness is present, preferring instead to work through their emotional expression rather than prioritizing sexual release. 

Many accounts suggest that the individual's relationship to anger can play a significant role in determining how healthy or unhealthy angry sex is. If your relationship with anger is not a contentious one, or if anger is not usually known to cause outbursts in you, angry sex could fall under the purview of healthy sex. 

Conversely, for individuals whose relationship to anger is not as cohesive, angry sex could be an example of unhealthy sexuality.

Angry avoidant sex: An angry sex subtype

Although sex is a normal, healthy activity for adults, it can be problematic if it is used as a form of escape or as an avoidance technique.  A possible healthier way to deal with anger is to work through it—attempting to determine its root and subsequent resolution. Using sex to avoid facing anger or using sex to express anger, particularly if your partner experiences any form of abuse or pain because of your anger, is not generally an example of healthy sexuality.

Communication and sexuality: Exploring the roles and relationship implications

Communication is thought by many to play a vital role in sexuality and relationships overall. It is also an important aspect that’s required for many to engage in healthy angry sex. If your partner is the source of your frustration, for instance, engaging in a round of angry sex might not be healthy. While you might feel better following your session, your partner may experience lasting effects. For some couples, however, sex might prove to be a valuable resource when one or both parties are experiencing anger and need a release. This dichotomy is a strong example that highlights the need for intentionality and clear communication in sex, as a couple can fall in either camp depending on the purpose behind the sex and the execution of the sexual encounter.  

Open communication can empower both parties to understand the sexual situation in full, as well as the possible range of emotions that may be involved during the encounter. It’s at this point that all parties can determine whether they are comfortable moving forward with sexual intercourse.

It can be important to note that a lack of communication in angry sex can be dangerous. Anger can escalate quickly and unpredictably and could result in taking an encounter too far. For instance, if both parties are on board with using physical violence as a part of sexual expression, but one partner takes that physicality too far in a burst of anger, the other can be at risk of injury or emotional distress. Uncontrolled anger should not generally be welcomed into a sexual relationship. 

The verdict: Is angry sex healthy?

Like many more nuanced questions and psychological experiences, the answer is both "yes" and "no”.  Sex can be an unhealthy expression of anger, especially if the sexual partner experiences pain, discomfort, or abuse due to the feelings that the other partner(s) are having. 

However, if angry sex is an occasional experience or is discussed with a partner beforehand, it can certainly be a healthy expression of sexuality between some partners. 

In short, there is no single, definite answer to the question of whether or not angry sex is healthy, as the source of anger and expression of sexuality can be powerful components in determining the answer to the question.

Sexuality itself can be influenced by any number of factors, ranging from age and gender to religious and social backgrounds. Moving forward with this understanding and flexibility in sexual expectations can result in more fulfilling sexual encounters, whether or not anger is present.

Seeking help—how can online therapy support those who are experiencing anger?

If you're experiencing disruptive levels of anger, there can be options available to you that can empower you to experience a higher quality of life.

Online therapy can offer many a range of benefits—supporting those who have previously encountered accessibility concerns, and giving many a space that feels safe to be vulnerable and honest in. 

While in-person therapy can offer similar benefits, many may not have the time or the emotional energy to go somewhere unfamiliar and be vulnerable with a new person. Online therapy can support those who find themselves in this position, still offering them a supportive, therapeutically sound environment in a more accessible way. 

Additionally, licensed counselors have years of experience helping others deal with their anger in healthy ways. The specialists at BetterHelp will be happy to assist you in your area of need.

Is online therapy effective? 

Data surrounding online therapy has suggested that the modality can be highly effective in treating anger. In fact, approximately 75% of people who receive therapy for anger management have self-reported an improvement, per the American Psychological Association (APA). 

Anger management therapy across methods of delivery has been shown to reduce aggressive impulses and violent thoughts in many. Additionally,  anger management therapy can also help many to learn methods to resolve problems without escalating underlying feelings of anger. 

Many people experiencing recurring anger problems were treated using a type of talk therapy called cognitive behavioral therapy—or CBT. This form of treatment has also been suggested to be just as effective online as it is in a traditional face-to-face setting.

Take a look at some of the counselor reviews below to see how they have helped individuals experiencing similar issues.

Counselor reviews

"Regina helped me pinpoint where my anger issues stemmed from in the very first session and has been helping me become more self-aware of my warning triggers. Very insightful and helpful!"

"I never dreamed that I would see a day where the amount of emotional and mental growth I have achieved would become possible. Dr. Butler has pushed me to become a person that I can be proud of. To me, he's more of a coach cheering you on, on the sidelines reminding you to dig deep within yourself and find those answers you have been seeking. I look forward to our sessions, and it feels like I'm catching up with an old friend these days. Thank you, Dr. Butler."