Peaceful Parenting: How a Peaceful Parent Builds the Parent/Child Bond

Parenting can be a tricky business. Over the years, untold experts and parenting books have presented "the best" way to parent. One of these propositions is peaceful parenting; some also believe that it is gentle parenting. Using this healthy parenting method, experts say that parents can connect with their kids on a deeper level.

If you are looking to improve your relationship with your child through a change in parenting method, online therapy can support you in getting started.

Peaceful parenting tenet 2: Active listening

For many moms and dads, one of the biggest struggles is to develop the ability to truly listen to their child and to have their child or children actually listen to them. Peaceful parenting advocates recommend practicing active listening by:

• Listening to your child without interrupting
• Synthesizing what you've heard into an interpretation of their meaning
• Repeating your interpretation back to them for clarification and confirmation

Peaceful parenting tenet 3: Collaboration

Collaboration is another important tool of a peaceful parent. The idea is that by raising your children in a collaborative home, your kids learn how to exert positive control over their own lives and consider the wisdom of great advice offered by others.

Why peaceful parenting can change behavior without fear

Let’s take a look at some of the principles and research behind peaceful parenting that may explain how these techniques can shape behavior without using fear or intimidation. 

Connection before correction

One of the key ideas behind peaceful parenting is connection before correction. This is based on the psychological concept that a root cause of behavior is underlying human needs like safety, belonging, and love. By meeting these needs, you can address the cause rather than punishing the symptoms of unmet needs. 

Emotional safety and cooperation

According to the tenets of peaceful parenting, when there is harmony in the home and family relationships, a child may be governed using empathy, guidance, and consistent boundaries. When a child feels safe, they may be more likely to respond with trust, be more willing to cooperate with parental figures, and to self-regulate. 

The nervous system and emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence includes the ability to understand, reason about, and regulate one's emotions. Research has found a connection between higher levels of emotional intelligence and regulated, calm nervous system responses. A nervous system constantly under stress can interfere with developments in the higher brain functions that strengthen and refine emotional intelligence. 

What happens when a parent is upset

If a child is subjected to a parent who is frequently upset and is unable to regulate their emotions, their sense of safety can be compromised. When a child doesn’t feel safe, it can not only lead to behavioral issues in the moment, but can also cause trauma that may lay the foundations for future mental health challenges. 

How regulation supports emotionally intelligent kids

An emotionally intelligent parent who is able to regulate their own emotions can both set a positive example for their child and also help create an environment in which a child can develop their own self-regulation skills. 

The stop yelling toolkit for tough moments

If you are trying to stop yelling at your children in times of stress, there are some strategies you can use to make this the last time. Some peaceful parenting tips include:

• not taking your child’s behavior personally
• making sure you and your child get enough sleep each night
• writing down intentions of how you want to interact with your child
• limiting your child’s behavior, but not their emotions
• controlling your own emotions and modeling positive self-talk

Markham emphasizes that a peaceful parent focuses on coaching rather than controlling.  Instead of getting angry and issuing punishment, they respond to a child’s inappropriate behavior with empathy and calm words.

The pause and reset script

Pause and reset is a strategy used in peaceful parenting to allow the parent time to regulate before reacting to a situation. Rather than expecting the child to self-regulate, you give yourself the time to turn off your stress response and lead with intentional words rather than emotions. If your child is upset, pause for 10 seconds to allow your fight or flight response to calm down. Do an internal body scan: relax your shoulders, take a deep breath, and ground yourself before responding. When you do speak, intentionally lower your voice. 

Co-parenting alignment if your husband or wife disagrees

You may have a tough time shifting to a peaceful parenting approach if you are not aligned with your parenting partner. Communicate your feelings to your husband or wife, and have the research ready to share. If they remain unconvinced, you may choose to compromise in certain areas, or work with a family therapist or couples counselor to come to a place of compromise and healing. 

Using play and fun to reduce chaos

A child who experiences life in chaos can find it far more difficult to self-regulate, and to transition between activities. By helping to build a calmer, more playful environment you can create a home that can facilitate healthy emotional development. 

Microconnection rituals that you can do daily

The following is a list of everyday rituals that you can use to make small connections with your child: 

• The bedtime review: Spend a few minutes before bed to share the best and worst parts of the day
• Mini dance party: Put on some music and take a minute to dance together
• Secret handshakes: Create a special signal between you and your child to use 
• Lunchbox notes: Slip personal notes of encouragement into your child’s lunch or backpack
• Family dinners: Make dinners a screen-free zone, and promote conversation
• Messages around the house: Leave little encouraging notes or observations about your child around the house for them to find
• Create stories together: Children love to imagine, so spend time creating a back-and-forth story where you both contribute

Play-based transitions that can reduce meltdowns

Creating fun rituals or play around difficult transitions or tasks can help avoid tantrums or complaining. You might create a visual step-by-step schedule for certain tasks, like getting ready in the morning. Clean-up songs can make washing hands or picking up toys less of a chore. If a child has only a certain amount of time left doing a preferred activity, set a visual timer with a musical indicator as a sign that time is up so they can emotionally prepare for the shift. Playing “beat the timer” can make changing clothes or boring chores a game. 

Parenting styles and where peaceful parenting fits

Peaceful parenting differs from many of its counterparts, such as authoritarian parenting, authoritative parenting, permissive parenting, and uninvolved parenting.  

Authoritarian parenting

Authoritarian parenting may be the oldest and most easily recognized of these philosophies. Purely authoritarian parents rarely limit their words when they’re angry. Instead, they may bark out orders and use threats and rewards as ways to encourage certain behaviors that fall in line with the parents' desires for a child. They use forms of punishment like timeout, which is “generally considered a form of love withdrawal,” according to Dr. Laura Markham.

Authoritative parenting

Authoritative parenting is a step away from authoritarian parenting and is often suggested as the best of the four styles. Caregivers who follow this approach typically engage with their kids more, take their feelings into consideration, and try to create a healthier, happier balance in family relationships. Still, authoritative parents maintain that they are, ultimately, the rule-makers and boundary-setters in the home. This style most closely aligns with the peaceful parenting philosophy, and studies have shown that it’s typically successful in producing happy kids with strong emotional intelligence.

Permissive parenting

Permissive parenting is exactly what it sounds like raising a child while rarely setting limits for the child’s behavior. Purely permissive parents try to build a relationship that resembles more of a close friendship than a parent/child relationship. Even if there are rules that do exist in a household that follow this philosophy, they are rarely enforced, and breaking one will likely have little to no consequence.

Permissive parenting can lead to many problems later on in life, such as poor self-control, egocentricity, difficulty in relationships, and difficulty adhering to expected rules and norms.

Uninvolved parenting

Finally, an uninvolved parent takes a backseat. These caretakers may be unsure of what’s going on in their child’s life, unaware of their children's schedules, their likes and dislikes, and their feelings. An uninvolved parent usually falls within the camp of "neglectful," but many do not do so intentionally. Instead, they are often raising children while working through issues of their own, such as undiagnosed or untreated mental health issues, abusive partners, or substance abuse issues.

Potential drawbacks of the peaceful parenting approach to children

The most common complaint about peaceful parenting is the method's difficulty. Because many people come to this philosophy after experiencing a problematic family dynamic, learning how to be a peaceful parent can be difficult and can even seem almost impossible at the beginning. If you and your child are perpetually locked in a power struggle, for instance, it will take time for you to learn how to stay calm without resorting to harsh discipline. It will also take your child time to learn that they can trust you enough to open up, discuss their feelings and experiences, and rely on you to offer reasonable options, rewards, and consequences as you provide gentle guidance and model emotional control.

Some might also find peaceful parenting, as a philosophy, too permissive in its scope. Because parents actively engage with their child during tantrums and acting-out behaviors, instead of ignoring or punishing the child’s behavior, some critics have suggested that the framework is too lax and can result in a child who refuses to listen to authority.

Learning support and courses

It can be difficult to change behaviors alone. If you’re having a tough time making the shift from a more authoritarian style of parenting into peaceful parenting, a course may offer specific strategies and encouragement to help you along. 

What a peaceful parenting course can offer

There is a wide range of blogs, podcasts, and other resources to help you along your peaceful parent journey. From The Peaceful Parent by Lisa Smith to The Peaceful Parent Institute, The Calm Mama live coaching to the No Bad Kids Master course, websites offer classes and peaceful parenting courses that can help you identify unhelpful behaviors and change parenting habits. 

The role of community in a peaceful parenting journey

Support can be key for a parent trying to transition to peaceful parenting and facilitate healing in the home. Partner support can be important, as can the support of extended family. If you are unable to get family to accept this type of parenting or to fully embrace it, friends and other loved ones can help. In some cases, professional support may be helpful. 

Want to become a more peaceful parent? Therapy can help

Implementing a new parenting method can be difficult, particularly if you or your children are living with mental health conditions that make communication and emotional control more challenging. If you've found that you are simply too overwhelmed to engage in these ideas, or too nervous to start, it may be helpful to seek the help of a qualified therapist who can help you develop unique strategies and techniques for your family.

Online therapy to help you learn tips for peaceful parenting of your child or children

Families today are extremely busy. It can be difficult to make it to basic health and dental appointments, much less to a family therapist. Online therapy, through platforms like BetterHelp, can help you make your family’s mental health a priority. Online sessions can eliminate the time it takes to travel to an in-person visit, making counseling feasible for you and your children.

While online counseling may seem less intimate, video-based conferencing and live streaming help bridge this gap. Studies have found that it’s still possible to make meaningful connections with therapists despite the physical distance, citing online therapy as just as effective as in-person therapy options for treating certain conditions.