Reminders Of What Adults Forget About Friendship After Childhood

Friendship can be an important part of life at every age, but these connections tend to look different in childhood and adolescence than they do in adulthood. What exactly is it about childhood friendships that makes them so fulfilling and blissful, and how can adult friendships incorporate more of these elements—even while juggling life responsibilities and busier schedules? Writer Rhania Cohen authored a piece in The Atlantic on this very topic. Here, we’ll share a few highlights from Cohen’s piece about what adults forget about friendship and childhood friendship qualities, and then we’ll explore strategies for making and strengthening fulfilling platonic bonds as adults. These strategies can serve as reminders of what adults forget about friendship, bringing some childlike joy into adult bonds, which may also help with friendship maintenance in adult friendships.

What adults forget about friendship: Key elements of childhood connections

The creation of a shared culture among childhood friends

Children and adolescents who are close friends often create their own shared culture together. It can include anything from inside jokes and a shared vernacular to “secret” meeting spots and unique rituals. Some friends, such as the group Cohen highlights at the beginning of her piece, even create a name for their group using their first initials or code names. Along with being able to openly and faithfully talk about how they’re feeling in the moment, these elements can offer a sense of belonging and safety. 

“Unhurried hangouts”

In the piece, Cohen discusses the value of spending more open-ended time together, or “wasting time” with each other. When children spend time with their friends, there’s often no set plan or timeline. Instead, they’re present in the moment and tend to jump right in to play together, not worrying about how long it will last or how it will end. For adults, Cohen emphasizes the value of slowing down and lingering with friends to add a richer dimension to the bonds you share.

Imaginative play

Finally, the importance of imaginative, creative play is highlighted. Kids tend to have no trouble thinking of imagination-based games to play with each other, whether they involve dress-up, role-play, or another creative element. Cohen suggests that adults may benefit from engaging in the vulnerability involved in this type of play, and research supports the theory that vulnerable sharing that’s met with support from the other party can strengthen intimacy.

Why adult friendship can feel practically impossible 

While childhood friendships tend to be built into daily life, adult friendships often require intention. Most people juggle multiple responsibilities as adults, and an efficiency culture can clash with the unhurried pace that friendships often thrive on. Time, logistics, and competing priorities can all make prioritizing friendship feel practically impossible. Unpleasant feelings regarding past experiences with friends can also undermine trust and openness. If you're struggling to tap into the positive aspects of friendship, you're not alone. Many people struggle with mental health challenges, such as chronic stress, anxiety, self-doubt, and low self-esteem related to social desirability. However, it may be possible to introduce positive thoughts about connection, which can help challenge negative feelings or self-limiting beliefs. Adult relationships can also offer an opportunity to repair trust and cultivate playfulness and joy. 

Common patterns that make adult friendships fade

Many elements can get in the way of adult friendships, including shifting priorities and physical distance. In addition, common patterns can strain relationships and even cause the closest ones to fade over time. These patterns may include making last-minute cancellations, a lack of impulse control when spending time together, and distraction. For example, often checking your phone when out with a friend can interfere with being present, an essential quality in connection. Self-consciousness and social anxiety can also lead to cancellations and avoidance of social settings. Over time, these patterns can suggest disinterest and contribute to a sense of distance.

How to prioritize friendships without adding stress 

As friendship tends to deepen through repeated contact, it can be worthwhile to find ways to carve out time for it. Although long stretches of unhurried time can seem more elusive as we get older, making plans smaller and staying connected with light touchpoints can help maintain friendships. Just as you might break big tasks into small, manageable steps in achieving goals, you can seek ways to incorporate friendship and connection into your routine. For instance, you may:

• Invite a friend when you're doing a particular task, followed by lunch
• Make plans to do a regular activity together, such as going for a walk, taking a class, or playing music together
• Schedule a video or phone call if they live far away, and take the initiative to schedule the next one
• Join a group together, such as a book club 
• Set time aside to thoughtfully respond to text messages
• Consider your mutual interests when making plans
• Consider what you might want to talk to them about, such as inquiring their input on the best way of doing specific tasks 

Play for adults: Bringing childlike joy back

Those who wish to deepen their adult friendships may benefit from reflecting on their own childhood connections. How did you and your friend group spend time together during childhood and adolescence? What were your happiest moments together? What do you miss most about those connections? Discussing these questions with a childhood friend or journaling about them may help you pinpoint elements of those relationships that you’d like to bring into your adult life.

Play that fits adults' schedules

Often, coming up with ideas that do not require planning can seem challenging. However, there are a few ideas for fostering connection. For example, if you’re looking to schedule in more unhurried time together to build intimacy, you might offer to host a friend at your place for the weekend for a “sleepover.” You could watch nostalgic movies, share food, and relax into the time spent together without the sense of urgency that a brief catch-up over dinner can have.

For example, Perhaps you also look back on your childhood friendships fondly because you played dress-up and experimented with different roles and identities. As an adult, you could channel this energy moving forward by engaging in cosplay with friends, doing each other’s makeup just for fun, or getting involved in a drama class or local theater together. If you loved playing sports with your pals, you might suggest joining or starting a pickleball, kickball, softball, or ultimate frisbee team. Taking up activities that generate positive thoughts and carefree fun can get you excited and motivated to make time for friendship. 

The anxiety-procrastination loop of reaching out 

Perhaps one of the main impediments to connecting with friends is that we tend to prioritize other parts of our lives. This can lead to procrastination and cancelled plans, which may have negative consequences for the friendship. While avoidance can initially feel like relief, it may also prompt negative self-talk and self-frustration, leading to a loop of anxiety where procrastination can often be both the result and the cause for this loop. To address procrastination, it may be helpful to start small rather than make big plans. For example, to stop procrastinating reaching out, you might ask if they have a better idea about how to do something you're struggling with and that they're good at. You may then return the favor by offering to help them with something. 

Why friendships are important for adults and children alike

Although friendships often take different forms as you age, they don’t become any less important. Particularly in the age that has been dubbed “the loneliness epidemic,” the ability to cultivate close social ties may be more important than ever. 

What the research says about the value of friendships for adults

Many studies over the years have suggested that having strong social connections, like friendships, is closely linked to stress resilience, mental health, overall well-being, and even longevity. Friendships can also be a source of emotional support, material support, encouragement, and belonging, which can improve your quality of life in general.

What the research says about the value of friendships for children

According to a 2022 study, the needs that friendships fulfill evolve over time. The author states: “Whereas friends in early childhood mainly provide companionship and fun, adolescent friendships also start fulfilling other needs for trust, intimacy, attachment, and emotional support.” Through friendships, children and teens learn how to empathize with others and learn more about who they are, and these bonds can also provide a sense of safety and belonging.

Tips for strengthening existing relationships

Whether you’re looking to deepen your existing adult relationships or reconnect with old friends, there are several different strategies you can try. Some examples include:

• Prioritize spending time together. Research suggests that it can take as many as 94 hours spent together in order for casual adult acquaintances to turn into friends. If you’re not as close to your current friends as you’d like to be, spending more time together is generally a key factor.
• Be vulnerable. Again, vulnerability is linked to intimacy, so gradually becoming more emotionally open with your friends may help deepen your connection.
• Don’t be afraid to reach out first. Unlike childhood friendships, adult friendships are often limited by the responsibilities of each person involved, such as jobs, partners, and children. If your friend hasn’t reached out lately to spend time together, they may be feeling swept away by their commitments. You being unafraid to reach out first and schedule a hangout can help make it happen.

Tips for making new friends

Not everyone remains close to their friends from elementary school, middle school, high school, or their childhood neighborhood, whether because of distance, differing life paths, or many other possible reasons. If you’re no longer in touch with or living near your friends from early life and believe you’re lacking close platonic connections, it is possible to forge new ones. Some tips for making new friends as an adult include: 

• Take a class to meet people with common interests
• Join a volunteer organization to meet people with similar values
• Join a sports league or other group that meets regularly
• Examine your daily life for casual acquaintances with whom you may be able to build a deeper friendship with
• Try a friendship app like Bumble BFF
• Go to events in your community, such as block parties, mutual aid meetings, yard sales, or library events, to get to know your neighbors

Skills needed for adult friendship to thrive

In addition to making an effort to reach out and connect, many people feel stuck when it comes to the skills needed for healthy friendships. Communicating effectively, managing emotions, learning to draw boundaries without guilt, and navigating conflict are just some of these skills. It's not uncommon, for instance, for adults to carry over unhealthy patterns of relating to others into their adult friendships. 

Seeking therapy for support with friendships

If you’re experiencing loneliness, friendship conflict, or other mental health challenges related to your personal relationships, you might benefit from processing them with a therapist. A licensed therapist can offer you emotional support and skill-building help that may help you form and strengthen your connections. For example, they might help you learn more about your attachment style and how it affects your relationships, or they may support you in strengthening communication skills so you can build deeper bonds. Therapy can also help you gain more self-awareness, supporting you in addressing patterns that can influence the quality of your relationships. 

Online therapy as an alternative to in-person sessions

Talking about vulnerable topics such as hopes and fears for your friendships can be intimidating, especially if you're sharing this information with the therapist in person. This is one reason why many people prefer online therapy instead. With a platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist and then speak with them via phone call, video call, and/or in-app messaging—all from the comfort of home or anywhere you have an internet connection. This format can also save you time since you don't have to travel to and from appointments, which can be helpful for people with busy schedules. 

Research on online therapy’s effectiveness

Since the advent of online therapy, many studies have been done to examine its effectiveness relative to traditional in-person sessions. In general, this research suggests that online therapy can often be as effective as in-person therapy. This means that you can generally feel confident in choosing either format, as the two can typically offer a similar standard of care.