Managing household tasks may sometimes become a point of contention for couples. One partner may take on more than their fair share of “shared” responsibilities while the other partner finds a way to avoid chores. In some cases, this behavior may be the result of weaponized incompetence.
Weaponized incompetence refers to a pattern of behavior where a person intentionally performs a task — often related to household labor or child care — poorly to avoid responsibility. This behavior can lead to an unfair division of labor that could become a source of significant conflict for couples.
If your partner’s behavior seems to include faking incompetence, exploring the concept of weaponized incompetence and strategies for working through it as a team may be helpful in your own relationship.
With a firm foundation of mutual respect and gratitude, achieving a more harmonious life may be possible. Professional help from an online or in-person family therapist can help facilitate open communication about the subject.
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Is weaponized incompetence impacting your relationship?
Understanding weaponized incompetence and weaponized ignorance
Weaponized incompetence, also known as strategic incompetence, is a manipulative tactic where an individual purposely underperforms or claims inability to carry out tasks, forcing one partner or other people to shoulder the burden of the work. By seeming incapable or helpless, they may attempt to passively evade responsibilities and exploit others' willingness to contribute.
This form of manipulation might manifest as a defense mechanism against a fear of failure, but it can also be a form of control that can undermine the efforts and morale of those around them. Instances of weaponized incompetence happen in both personal and professional contexts, damaging relationships and eroding trust across power dynamics. It can occur in homosexual and heterosexual relationships.
Weaponized ignorance shares many of the same signs of weaponized incompetence, as it involves deliberately using a lack of knowledge or refusal to engage with information to manipulate situations or maintain power.
People who feign incompetence may be especially damaging to cohabitate with. Countering weaponized incompetence may require awareness, communication, and commitment to shared responsibilities. If you haven’t openly discussed this challenge before, it may also be helpful to seek professional help from a licensed therapist.
Examples of strategic incompetence
Strategic incompetence (also known as weaponized incompetence) happens in numerous ways across various settings, creating a frustrating dynamic where others believe they must “pick up the slack” to complete tasks. Examples of weaponized incompetence might include the following:
A household member consistently does a poor job with a particular chore, such as the dishes or laundry, until other household members give up and do it themselves to ensure it's done correctly the first time.
An employee continually makes mistakes or feigns ignorance about how to complete a specific task. Consequently, their colleagues or superiors take over the responsibility to avoid further errors or delays.
In a group project for school, a student acts as if they can't understand the project or their assigned task, forcing other group members to complete their portion to maintain the group's overall grade.
Weaponized incompetence vs. learned helplessness
It can be crucial to distinguish between the use of weaponized incompetence and learned helplessness. Though both may lead to an individual avoiding or not completing tasks, the critical difference lies in the intent and awareness of the individual.
Weaponized incompetence is deliberate — the person may be perfectly capable of performing the task but ultimately chooses not to. It may serve as a red flag for the person or partner’s character, as their approach to responsibilities could become a big deal further into the relationship.
Learned helplessness, on the other hand, is a psychological condition where a person genuinely believes they are incapable of performing a task due to repeated failures or negative experiences in the past. They may think they're helpless and, as a result, choose not to try. While it may be frustrating for others who must step in to complete the task, learned helplessness is not a manipulative tactic.
Managing weaponized incompetence in your relationship
In relationships, weaponized incompetence can lead to resentment, frustration, and an imbalance in the distribution of responsibilities. Below are potentially helpful strategies for building your relationship and working through this challenge.
Recognize the factors at play (weaponized vs. skilled incompetence)
If you notice a pattern of unfinished tasks in your relationship, consider what factors may be at play before initiating a conversation about weaponized incompetence. While taking on more than one’s fair share of responsibilities can be unfair, your partner’s actions may not necessarily be deliberate. Try to give them the benefit of the doubt and consider all possible explanations.
Might they have mental health conditions that make them feel unmotivated?
Mental illnesses like depression can cause an individual to lose interest in tasks or become stressed at the prospect of doing them, sometimes leading to procrastination or neglect. It may seem that they're neglecting duties or displaying weaponized incompetence, but they might be experiencing mental health challenges.
Were they raised without household chores or responsibilities?
Suppose your partner was raised in an environment where they weren’t expected to help with household chores or responsibilities. In that case, while they might have the ability to complete the tasks, they might lack the skilled application or motivation to do so. While it may seem like weaponized incompetence, it’s not quite the same. This challenge may be referred to as skilled incompetence.
Have they previously relied on caretakers or partners?
If your partner has previously relied heavily on others for day-to-day household responsibilities, they may have developed a dependency or an unrealistic expectation of others. This dependency may not necessarily be weaponized incompetence but a pattern of reliance they may not be aware of.
Are they experiencing other life stressors that make it difficult to take on household responsibilities?
Consider whether your partner’s avoidance of household tasks may be due to stress in another area of their life. For example, they may be experiencing burnout due to long days at work or be stressed by other obligations. This stress could be indirectly causing them to neglect household chores and responsibilities. It could be that your partner doesn’t complete a certain task because of this challenge.
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Express your concerns
If you believe your partner is using weaponized incompetence to avoid responsibility, consider expressing your feelings in a non-confrontational manner. Discuss the patterns you've observed and how they affect you. Use "I" statements to avoid sounding accusatory. Ask questions to help you better understand their perspective.
Set expectations and make a plan
If you’re experiencing weaponized incompetence in your relationship, consider clarifying household responsibilities with your partner. Set expectations for who is responsible for what duties and ensure that expectations are balanced and built on compromise. For example, couples may:
Designate specific tasks for each partner, such as taking out the trash or organizing home projects or repairs.
Write out a straightforward routine for daily or weekly tasks like shopping or cooking.
Alternate specific tasks that may be unpleasant, such as cleaning the bathroom.
With expectations in place, discuss systems for how you will ensure the schedule remains on track and handle weaponized incompetence. For example, you may use a shared calendar to ensure you and your partner remain aware of important dates or appointments. You could also implement a system of visual reminders or write down a schedule to keep your days running smoothly in your home. A system may ensure that you and your partner remain aware of each other’s expectations.
Provide learning opportunities
If your partner claims ignorance when faced with specific tasks, you might offer to teach them how to do the tasks or provide resources to help them learn. Although you’re not responsible for another person’s behavior, they may not understand some simple tasks, which you can guide them through. They may be more inclined to complete tasks without the excuse of incompetence. Teaching may offer a valuable learning opportunity in situations where they might lack the confidence to make an effort.
For example, a person may avoid cooking because they fear “ruining” a meal and wasting food. In this case, you may offer to send a recipe or technique video. If your partner expresses worry about damaging items in the laundry, you might create a system to help you sort and wash laundry. Providing some direction or instruction may help your spouse overcome task avoidance. If you don’t want to provide this emotional labor, talking to a licensed clinical psychologist about this challenge may be helpful.
Cultivate gratitude as a couple
When disagreements arise from household demands, it may be helpful for both parties to commit to expressing gratitude more frequently. Research on married couples has found that gratitude helps create a positive feedback loop, which may significantly contribute to mutual respect and relationship satisfaction.
Showing appreciation for your partner may motivate them, which may help you foster a more positive atmosphere in your home. In overcoming weaponized incompetence, your partner may be learning new skills or adopting better habits, and it may help them feel validated when you recognize their efforts.
Be patient
Change may not come instantly — there could be a period of adjustment while your partner learns how to navigate agreed-upon responsibilities or break old habits. Try to be patient and encouraging while remaining firm in your expectations.
Learning new tasks or behaviors can be challenging, and mistakes are part of the process. Encourage their efforts, celebrate victories, and reinforce that it is normal not to be perfect. This patience and encouragement may significantly aid your partner’s progress and willingness to adapt to new responsibilities.
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Is weaponized incompetence impacting your relationship?
Is weaponized incompetence impacting your relationship?
If a person continues to be manipulative in this way, consider seeking advice from a relationship counselor or therapist. Therapists can help you and your partner address weaponized incompetence in a way that gets to the root of the behavior, whether from childhood, past relationships, stress, or mental health challenges.
Your couples therapist may also provide strategies to help you and your partner improve communication, mitigate conflict, and solve problems. Research has found a number of couples therapy approaches effective, including but not limited to cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), emotionally focused therapy (EFT), and integrative behavioral couples therapy.
Many couples may struggle to find time to attend in-person therapy sessions between work, personal, and familial obligations. With online therapy, you can speak with a licensed therapist from the comfort of your own home, without the need to commute to in-person sessions.
While there is no research that proves the effectiveness of online therapy specifically for weaponized incompetence in relationships, studies do show that, overall, online therapy is an effective alternative to in-person therapy. One study observed 60 participants who had been in a relationship between one and 49 years. Couples were randomly placed in either in-person therapy sessions or virtual therapy sessions for a total of six sessions. Results show that both in-person therapy and virtual therapy were associated with overall relationship satisfaction and mental health improvement and did not differ in their therapy alliance ratings (a questionnaire that aims to measure the client-therapist bond).
With an online relationship therapy platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples, you and your partner can connect with a licensed couples therapist from the comfort of your home. Virtual sessions may help you attend couples therapy when mutually convenient, while an interactive platform often offers a space to complete valuable therapy exercises.
Takeaway
Weaponized incompetence can damage relationships. With positive, gracious, and goal-oriented communication, you can create a fair, respectful, and harmonious dynamic in your household and your relationship. If you’re having significant trouble with this challenge, therapy may help you and your partner work through weaponized incompetence and any other challenges that may be affecting your life together. Consider contacting a licensed counselor online or in your area for further guidance and support.
The information on this page is not intended to be a substitution for diagnosis, treatment, or informed professional advice. You should not take any action or avoid taking any action without consulting with a qualified mental health professional. For more information, please read our terms of use.
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