Boundaries And Mental Health: How To Set Boundaries With Friends—And When To Do It
Unlike other connections in our lives, such as those we have with relatives and co-workers, we get to choose our friends. These social connections matter, and research shows they can enhance our lives in many ways. It can be challenging to set a boundary with a friend, especially if it isn’t something you’re used to.
Below, we’ll discuss how boundary setting might support you and your friendships, how to set boundaries, and what to do if you need help.
How to set boundaries with friends
Let's say that you identify a need to set a boundary with a friend, but you're nervous about how it could impact the relationship. You might be concerned that you'll hurt their feelings or find that your boundary isn't respected when you try to set one. If you are having trouble setting a boundary, you might consider the following tips.
Tips for setting boundaries
- Be clear and firm. Although boundaries can be set kindly, you may find more success if your request is also clear and firm. Sometimes, someone may try to push back against your boundaries, which can be challenging. In this case, you can reiterate the boundary and enforce it by saying, "I let you know that I did not want advice on that topic. If it comes up again, I will have to hang up the phone for now and talk to you later."
- Be mindful of your language. This step might help if you are someone who worries about potentially upsetting a friend with your boundaries. Consider using "I" statements and focusing on what you need. For example, you might state, "I'm uncomfortable dining in restaurants right now due to the coronavirus pandemic. I understand that everyone is in a different spot with that. Can we meet in the park or order some takeout together?” Boundaries don’t have to sound like an attack; there are often ways to set them kindly.
- Plan ahead. It can be helpful to plan what to say before you say it. Sometimes, role-playing can be valuable, especially if you feel nervous about a boundary you need to set. This is a common activity that people might try with a therapist.
Learning to set boundaries can be a process for many people, and it's okay if you need support and practice. Try to be gentle with yourself as you learn. A therapist may be able to help with boundary setting and serve as a helpful addition to your support system during this process.
When to set a boundary and how to set boundaries with friends
Some potential clues may help you know when a boundary needs to be set with a friend. If you feel resentful, irritated, or hurt by what someone else is doing or saying and haven't brought it up, it may be time to set a boundary. Additionally, if you feel that you're giving up information about yourself that you don't want to provide, or if you're giving away items or money that you can't give at this time, it may be time to set a boundary.
Understanding different types of boundaries may help you acknowledge a potential need to set one.
Why boundaries are important in friendships
Why are boundaries so important in friendships? Here are some potential benefits of setting boundaries:
Boundaries can change patterns
Sometimes, we get into patterns that we want to change. When we want to change a pattern, our needs might also change. For example, maybe you are in a pattern where you are used to allowing friends to borrow money from you. Setting boundaries may help you change that pattern.
Boundaries can prevent resentment
One of the challenges many people face when setting boundaries is that they feel it'll hurt a person or their relationship with that person. However, the opposite may be true in many cases. Boundaries may prevent resentment and support a healthier friendship with no underlying negative feelings.
Boundaries can promote self-care
Boundaries can be a way to take care of yourself. For example, maybe your friends pressure you to stay out later than you want. You're an early riser with a job requiring you to wake at a certain time, and when you don't get enough sleep, you find yourself not feeling well. If your boundary is that you need to leave at 9 PM because that's what allows you to complete your bedtime routine and get enough sleep, your boundary could be a way to take better care of both your mind and body.
Boundaries can increase confidence
Boundaries can make you a better friend
When your needs are met, you may have the capacity to be the best version of yourself with other people. If you set boundaries, your friends may realize that they can do the same in their own lives, and you can be there for them as your healthiest self.
Types of boundaries and examples
At varying times in your life, you may need to learn how to set boundaries with a mix of different people, including your friends. Here are six common types of boundaries you might encounter with friends:
- Material boundaries: Material boundaries relate to the tangible items you own, such as money and personal belongings. An example of a material boundary might be, "I'm not able to let people borrow my car right now."
- Physical boundaries: Physical boundaries relate to your personal space, physical touch, and physical needs. An example of a physical boundary might be, "I have a peanut allergy, so please do not bring food with peanuts to the potluck," or "Can we opt for a handshake instead of a hug?"
- Emotional boundaries: Emotional boundaries relate to your emotional well-being. An example of an emotional boundary might be, "Movies on this topic are tough for me to watch. Is there another you've been wanting to see?" or, "I don't feel good when people use that nickname. Please call me by my first name instead."
- Intellectual boundaries: Intellectual boundaries relate to your thoughts and ideas. Crossing an intellectual boundary might look like someone who gives you unsolicited advice while putting your choices down, or someone who belittles you for your ideas, whether overtly or covertly. An example of an intellectual boundary might be, "I respect that we have different thoughts on this, but I know that this is the right choice for me," or "It seems like this topic often results in an argument. I am willing to agree to disagree. Can we change the subject?"
- Sexual boundaries: Sexual boundaries relate to both sex and topics related to sex. In sexual relationships, a sexual boundary could sound like, "I don't feel like having sex tonight. Would you want to cuddle and watch a movie?" In friendships, however, sexual boundaries can also look like saying, "I'm not comfortable talking about my sex life," or, "That story could reveal someone else's information and cross a boundary, so I prefer not to answer that question about my sex life."
The above isn't necessarily an exhaustive list. Some other types of boundaries could include workplace boundaries, spiritual and religious boundaries, and digital boundaries related to texting and phone calls.
Talk to a counselor about setting boundaries for your mental health
If you’ve tried to set boundaries with your friends and aren’t finding success, it may be beneficial to speak with a mental health professional. Online therapy can be a convenient way to receive quality mental health support from a licensed counselor without the traditional barriers associated with mental health care. BetterHelp can provide a safe place to talk about anything on your mind, including friendships and boundaries, just like with in-person therapy.
Thousands of qualified, independent providers with varying specialties offer therapy on the BetterHelp platform, which means you can connect with someone who has experience with whatever you might be facing. With online therapy at BetterHelp, you can connect with a therapist through live chat, phone, or videoconferencing. Also, you can contact your therapist at any time in between sessions via in-app messaging. This capability may be helpful if you want to message your therapist about conversations you’ve had about boundaries in between sessions.
The effectiveness of online therapy for your mental health
Research shows that online therapy is just as effective as in-person therapy for a variety of challenges. One literature review found that internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy (ICBT) is effective for various psychiatric disorders, including depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), bipolar disorder, and phobias. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a common therapeutic framework that aims to teach people how to replace their unhelpful thoughts with more positive ones.
Takeaway
What are normal friendship boundaries?
The concept of “normal” can be entirely subjective. However, many believe that healthy boundaries often include safeguarding of one’s emotional well-being, as well as mutual respect for all parties of the friendship.
How do you set boundaries with toxic friends?
Setting healthy boundaries with someone you believe might be a toxic friend can be difficult to do. This can be especially true if you’re feeling overwhelmed or aren’t sure if they’re a true friend, as the process can feel awkward!
The first step for many as they work to set healthy boundaries is to have an honest conversation with the friend, working to establish a mutual understanding of both parties’ preferences. You can also set up a temporary boundary or two that may be more restrictive until you perceive that you can trust the person more—working to safeguard your personal peace first.
Working with a therapist can help you to set healthy boundaries confidently.
How do I set boundaries with online friends?
Setting healthy boundaries with online friends can be difficult, especially if you don’t see them in person.
In this context, many choose to establish set times when they’ll be online to avoid the sense of being stifled. They may also have candid conversations with their friends about what healthy friendships include online; and different communication styles that work well within the scope of their personal preferences.
How do you set boundaries with friends with benefits?
If you’re participating in a “friends-with-benefits” relationship or arrangement, it can be important to create boundaries that safeguard both you and the other person (or people). Healthy boundaries, in this case, can be entirely subjective. For example: Some couples or individuals who are participating may feel comfortable with an open relationship arrangement outside of the friends-with-benefits bubble. Others may not.
No matter what you choose to arrange, however, it can be important to ensure that everyone’s well-being is safeguarded as much as possible. A licensed therapist can help you as you work on setting healthy boundaries for your sexual experience.
What does a healthy friendship include?
Healthy friendships generally start with healthy boundaries. While this can “look” different for many people, healthy friendships generally focus on mutual support, fun and respect for one another. A good friend may also help their friends to reach their personal goals and create other meaningful relationships in a broader friend group, encouraging them at every step of the way.
What to do when a friend is draining you?
You don’t have to feel guilty about setting healthy boundaries, especially if you sense that you are drained by a particular friendship.
How to set boundaries with friends that are draining you
First, you might consider speaking with them directly and outlining your needs. Many people may simply not be aware of what you need or how to meet those needs for you in the friendship. If that doesn’t work, you might consult a licensed therapist for extra support. They can help you to make the next right step.
You can always end a friendship if you believe that it is negatively affecting you. Your mental health is an important priority and deserves to be safeguarded in every friendship.
How do you set boundaries nicely?
People can set boundaries confidently, calmly and respectfully. Many do this by stating what they need in plain terms, and requesting that respectfully from their friend or friend groups. People in the friendships or groups can then communicate if they foresee any concerns around meeting those needs.
Setting new boundaries with friends can sometimes be a tough topic, especially if you tend to be a “people pleaser” and often worry heavily about your friends’ feelings, even when it’s to the detriment of your own well-being. But setting good boundaries can be essential for having a healthy relationship—both with others and yourself, as you can’t pour from an empty cup.
That said, it’s possible that not everyone will respect your personal boundaries at all times, so it can also be important to learn how to enforce boundaries and how to respond to boundary-crossing behavior with firm self-respect. For instance, if someone begins taking advantage of your friendship or crossing the time boundaries you’ve set, reasserting your boundaries and giving this person more clarity can be key; if they are self-aware of their behavior but still can’t respect your needs, you may consider how you want to move forward. It may make sense to spend time tending to other relationships instead.
For further support in determining, setting, and enforcing clear boundaries with friends and family relationships, speaking with a licensed clinical psychologist or counselor may help. You can find support in your area if you would prefer face-to-face therapy, or try an online platform if you prefer virtual therapy.
When should you take space from a friend?
People can take space from a friend for many reasons. Some may do this if they feel stifled or overwhelmed. Others may do this if they believe that they are being affected negatively in any way, or if they are going through hardship on their own and are afraid of being a negative influence.
How many close friends should a normal person have?
There is no universal number that has been published regarding how many close friends a person “should” have. Generally speaking, anyone can have as many friends as they want. The more the merrier, in many cases.
Different people may also have different numbers of close friends at various points in their lives; some young adults might have several close friends that they see often through school or work, but as they get older, they might feel especially close to one other friend, with a broader network of more casual friends—or vice versa. Whatever works for you is perfectly acceptable.
What are 2 boundaries you would set for your friends?
Everyone’s boundaries and priorities can differ. However, many may agree that boundaries rooted in mutual respect and understanding can be some of the most powerful that you can establish.
- Previous Article
- Next Article