Is Living Vicariously Through Others Dangerous?
At some point in your life, you may have caught yourself admiring the lives of loved ones, strangers, or famous people. You may have been so excited and intrigued by their experiences that you identified with their emotions or imagined their circumstances as your own. This phenomenon is called living vicariously through others.
While living vicariously can be common and present certain advantages, you might also experience stress and unhappiness. If living life vicariously becomes your only source of fulfillment, you may benefit from counseling and self-care techniques to discover a healthy way to balance your own journey and live life for yourself.
What is living vicariously?
Living vicariously may not be conscious or intentional. You may believe you are focused on living your own life but make choices that contribute to a pattern of vicarious living without realizing it. Below are ways people may live vicariously through others:
- You read about or watch others experiencing life and living out your dreams instead of pursuing them yourself
- You spend large amounts of time on social media wishing you had what others have
- You compare and dictate what hobbies or interests your children or loved ones take part in
- You encourage others to take chances you're unable to face
- You actively seek celebrity gossip
- You binge-watch reality television
- You become intensely interested in fictional characters from television, movies, or books
- You have intricate fantasies about being someone else
Living vicariously often involves immersing yourself in someone else's world and making their achievements or setbacks your own. Doing so may allow you to believe you are experiencing rewards and pleasure without risking failures. In addition, this behavior can lead to a sense of experiencing countless new experiences without stepping outside prescribed boundaries or limiting beliefs. However, vicarious living can become harmful if it detracts from your life or the lives of people around you.
Examples of living vicariously
Living vicariously may be common. However, if doing so is beginning to take away from your quality of life or has a negative impact on the people closest to you, there may be consequences. Below are two examples to consider.
Example one: A parent living vicariously through their child
Jane always dreamed about making varsity in high school, but she struggled with coordination and was never the best at athletics. Now, Jane's child is in high school and is highly talented on their sports team. Jane pushes her child to pursue a future in professional sports because of her past.
Jane gains a sense of fulfillment through her child's successes because she did not have those experiences herself. However, this push takes away from her child's ability to follow their dreams and set their goals. Jane's child wants to be an artist, and their mother's pressure makes them feel guilty.
Example two: Living vicariously through social media
John has begun to spend a significant amount of time on social media, carefully observing the lives of others. He often looks at the profile of his friend, who recently began playing in the WNBA. Filled with inspiration, he feels proud to have known her in high school and constantly looks at the pictures she posts of her team and their travels. However, as John starts to live life vicariously through her, he believes his own life is unsuccessful and begins to feel sad. He struggles to identify his own accomplishments.
How is living vicariously dangerous?
Living vicariously from time to time may not be harmful. However, if vicarious living becomes your primary way of life or takes up a significant portion of your time, it can have harmful results, including but not limited to the following.
You may become dependent
Living vicariously may cause you to become dependent on the lives of others for your happiness and fulfillment. When your life seems meaningful only through the accomplishments of others, you may be leaving your happiness in the hands of someone else. You might struggle with independence, confidence, and the ability to navigate daily life independently.
You might ignore your own capabilities
When you live through others, you might forget what matters most to you. If your attention is focused on someone else's achievements, you may neglect to discover your own abilities, gifts, and talents. You may fail to realize your full potential and break away from the cycle of living vicariously.
You might develop excuses
When you live vicariously through others, putting off working toward your own goals might seem more manageable. If someone else is doing all the work and you are still reaping the emotional reward, you may start making excuses for yourself. For example, you might believe the person you are living vicariously through is more successful, talented, beautiful, or intelligent than you or that you'll never be able to reach their level.
Be careful not to make assumptions or use someone else’s success as an opportunity for negative self-talk. Perseverance, resilience, and ambition are a few qualities you can foster to go after your own dreams. If you struggle with motivation, consider talking to a coach or therapist about your struggles. You’re not alone; there are ways to make positive changes no matter who you are.
You unknowingly create obligations
When you live vicariously through someone close to you, you may inadvertently create goals and pressure them to meet them, believing they want to as much as you want them to. Your loved one may be hurt and develop an understanding that the emotional needs of others are more important than their own (which may be particularly likely in the case of a parent living vicariously through their child).
You ignore other people’s dreams
When living vicariously, you might try to steer someone in directions they might not be interested in. For example, if a parent ignores their child's natural talent for music and pushes them toward academics, they might be pressuring their child not to pursue their interests. The child might then not get early-life experience in an activity they enjoy.
How to stop living vicariously through others
If you have been living vicariously through others, and it is negatively affecting you or someone close to you, there are ways to take a step back, including the following.
Remember who you are
Try to remember what makes you unique. Think of your talents and abilities and make a list or table of qualities that you appreciate and that differentiate you from other people. Think positive thoughts about yourself using these qualities. Try not to compare yourself to others.
Celebrate your accomplishments
Look for areas in your life to celebrate. Although you might fondly consider past milestones like graduating from school or raising your children, try to acknowledge daily successes, too. For example, celebrate completing a morning workout or making lunch for your kids. Any task you feel proud of may be recognized as an accomplishment. Take time to meditate or write in a journal about what this accomplishment means to you and how it has impacted you.
Grieve what you lost
If you believe you’ve missed out on opportunities, allow yourself to grieve them. Try to get in touch with your feelings and give yourself time to work through them. Consider putting a positive spin on a situation by considering all your opportunities, not focusing only on the experience you may have lost.
Additionally, consider whether you have any limiting beliefs holding you back from completing a goal. For example, some people may believe they can't achieve a goal due to their age, social status, mental health condition, physical health, or other factors. Although there may be extra difficulties in completing a task due to challenging circumstances, you may be able to find ways to make it happen by changing your mindset. Try not to write off your dreams forever.
Log off
Signing off social media for some time may help you regain a realistic perspective about the people around you. Studies show that social media can increase stress due to social comparison. Despite what appears on social media, the offline world is not always perfect or dramatic. Your family, friends, or favorite celebrities may not be more capable or gifted than you are. They might also have difficulties, but they do not post about their challenges to portray themselves more positively.
Learn to be supportive
There may be a fine line between supporting someone and living vicariously through them. Being supportive can involve empowering someone to be their best without having a personal stake in their actions. You can be supportive when you want someone to succeed, no matter their path. If your support becomes self-serving, you may have crossed the line into vicarious living. Avoid pushing someone to follow a path because you would like that path for yourself.
Learn to be supportive
There may be a fine line between being supportive of someone and living vicariously through them. Being supportive may require you to empower someone to be their best without having a personal stake in what they do. You can be supportive when you want someone to succeed, no matter their path.
You may have crossed the line into vicarious living if your support becomes self-serving. Try your best to avoid pushing someone to follow a path because you would like that path for yourself.
Seek professional help
If you've been living vicariously through others for a while, you may believe you're in too deep to start focusing on your own life now. You may want to reorient toward your own goals but don't know where to begin. In these cases, talking to a counselor may be helpful. They can support you in setting your own goals and finding personal fulfillment.
If you haven’t gone to therapy due to barriers like time or money, online therapy may be more accessible. Online platforms like BetterHelp offer a growing database of counselors specializing in various mental health conditions, including anxiety, depression, or trauma-related disorders. Additionally, online counseling allows you to meet with your therapist using your personal device from anywhere in the world that has an internet connection. In one study, 71% of participants preferred online therapy to in-person options.
Takeaway
If living vicariously is causing harm, consider reaching out for support. You can take steps to stop living vicariously and start living a personally fulfilling life. Consider connecting with a counselor online or in your area to get started.
How do you use live vicariously?
The phrase “live vicariously” is typically used to describe a situation where a person is experiencing life through someone else’s actions and accomplishments instead of on their own. It's possible to use “live vicariously” in many ways, including:
- “John likes to live vicariously through the achievements of others.”
- “Emily watches a lot of celebrity news so she can live vicariously through famous individuals.”
- “I read a lot of fiction novels because I like to live vicariously through the characters.”
- “I wasn’t able to become a professional football player, so I live vicariously by watching the NFL.”
- “Tom is such a rebel, but I’m afraid of breaking rules. So I like to live vicariously through him.”
Why do I live vicariously?
Individuals may choose to live vicariously through others for various reasons. In some cases, the rationale for doing so isn’t necessarily unhealthy. For example, people may live vicariously because they admire someone or want to watch their career out of appreciating their talent or skills. This type of vicarious living may result in a person trying to acquire more skills to be like their idol, which may have positive results.
In other situations, a person may live vicariously to escape the challenges of their own life. However, doing so may result in someone fixating on another individual and neglecting their real-life relationships. If you or someone you love is obsessing about a person and ignoring their own life, it may be beneficial to reach out for support.
What does living vivaciously mean?
“Living vicariously” means to live one's life through the activities, achievements, or acts of other people instead of on your own. Vicarious living is often pleasurable and may revolve around behavior that a person struggles to or cannot participate in on their own. For example, someone may long for a celebrity’s fame and fortune and live vicariously by following their career. If the person is a parent, they may choose to live vicariously through their children's achievements. This behavior isn’t always negative, but if living vicariously is the only way a person can be fulfilled, that may become problematic.
What is another word for vicariously?
There are a variety of synonyms for the word vicariously, though not all will describe the precise experience of a person who chooses to live vicariously through others. Here are a few synonyms for vicariously and their meanings.
- Indirectly: In a way that is not directly caused by something else.
- Surrogately: By means of a substitute.
- Derivatively: Something that is imitative of, or compiled from, the work or elements of something else.
- Substitutionally: Experienced indirectly, typically through the feelings or actions of others.
- Remotely: In a remote or distant place or location.
- Empathetically: Having or displaying an appreciation of the feelings of others.
Is living vicariously a good thing?
Living vicariously can be helpful and harmful, depending on the situation. If a person lives vicariously but still attends to the critical aspects of their own life, then it may not have a negative effect. In some cases, healthy vicarious living may motivate one to improve one’s life. The phenomenon of vicarious optimism may also positively affect someone, with research suggesting it may result in benefits like increased generosity toward strangers.
Contrarily, living vicariously may become harmful if it dominates a person’s thinking and overtakes other parts of their life. If an individual spends most of their time escaping from their own problems by obsessing over another person’s actions, they may see a decline in their quality of life.
What is vicarious thinking?
Vicarious thinking can refer to the process of considering others' thought processes and attempting to act similarly or make decisions based on what you believe that person would do. In other cases, this term may be a synonym for vicarious learning, which involves gaining knowledge by observing the experiences of others. For example, if you watch professional baseball players during a game, you may pick up the rules and learn how to play independently. Vicarious learning can also occur through other sources like reading a book, watching a movie, or listening to a story.
Why do parents live vicariously?
Parents may choose to live vicariously to rectify perceived failure in their own lives. They also may engage in vicarious behavior in an attempt to complete goals they believe they are no longer able to achieve. In other cases, a parent may hope to ensure their child does not encounter the same hardships and lives vicariously by giving them the life they could not have when they were younger.
Either way, living vicariously through one's children is often a method of meeting needs in a parent's life, which they struggle to meet on their own. Even if the intention is positive, doing so may place unnecessary pressure on children or cause parents to ignore their children’s wants and needs to satisfy their own wishes.
What is vicarious behavior?
Vicarious behavior typically involves acting in a way where more value is placed on the experiences and actions of others instead of one’s own life. Below are several examples of behavior a person may engage in to live vicariously.
- Taking pride in the achievements of others: An individual living vicariously may start to feel pride for another person’s accomplishments, particularly if those achievements are ones they had hoped to do at some point in their lives but were unable to.
- Spending significant time living vicariously: If a person spends most of their time thinking about another person’s life, trying to emulate them, or engaging in fantasies revolving around that person, that may indicate they are living vicariously through them.
There are various synonyms for the word vicariously, though not all will describe the precise experience of a person who chooses to live vicariously through others. Below are a few to consider:
- Obsessively consuming media: If a person lives vicariously through a celebrity, they may watch every video and read every article they can about them. This behavior may begin to affect other parts of a person's life, particularly if they ignore their responsibilities to live vicariously.
What is a vicarious example?
Examples of vicarious living can vary depending on an individual’s past experience, how close they are to the person they are focusing on, and how much they allow the vicarious living to take over their life. One example could be a parent who wanted to become a famous pianist but didn’t achieve their dream when younger. Instead, they might push their child to take piano lessons to live vicariously through them. In the process, this parent may ignore their child’s dreams and needs to vicariously achieve their goal. This action could result in their child resenting them, disliking the piano, or stopping playing music altogether.
What is the opposite of living vicariously?
Because living vicariously involves deriving enjoyment from another person's life, the opposite would be to focus on one’s own life and achievements. A person not living vicariously would spend their time building up their own skills, engaging socially with people in their real life, and creating their own identity. Non-vicarious living can also include disengaging from fiction or social media, as these can often serve as escapism. By disengaging from the stories of others and focusing on your own, you may be able to have your own unique lifestyle and achieve personal success.
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