Is Living Vicariously Through Others Dangerous?

At some point in your life, you may have found yourself so excited and intrigued by the life events of someone close to you that you held onto their emotions or imagined their circumstances as your own. 

This phenomenon is called living vicariously through others. It can be common, but it may also cause stress and unhappiness. If living vicariously becomes your only source of fulfillment, you may benefit from counseling and self-care techniques to start living for yourself once more. 

What Is Living Vicariously?

Living vicariously may not always be on purpose. What you perceive as positive intentions may turn into vicarious living. Here are some signs that you might be living vicariously through someone else:

In short, living vicariously can refer to living through someone else's experiences rather than being a part of the events yourself. It often requires immersing yourself in someone else's world and making their achievements or setbacks your own. 

It may allow you to feel you are experiencing rewards without risking your failures. You could have countless new experiences without stepping outside prescribed boundaries or limiting beliefs. However, vicarious living can become harmful if it takes happiness or satisfaction from your life or those around you.

Examples Of Living Vicariously 

Living vicariously may be common. Many individuals do so while watching TV. However, if it is beginning to take away from your quality of life or the people closest to you, it may become a more significant problem. There are a few examples of how this might play out. 

Example One 

Jane always dreamed about making varsity in high school, but she struggled with coordination and was never the best at athletics. Now, Jane's child is in high school and is highly talented on their sports team. Jane pushes her child to pursue a future in professional sports because of her past. 

Jane gains a sense of fulfillment through her child's successes because she did not have those experiences herself. However, this push takes away from her child's ability to follow their dreams and set their goals. Jane's child wants to be an artist, and their mother's pressure makes them feel guilty. 

Example Two 

John has begun to spend a significant amount of time on social media. He often looks at the profile of his friend, who recently began playing in the WNBA. He feels proud to have known her in high school and constantly looks at the pictures she posts of her team and their travels. John feels like his life is unsuccessful and starts to feel sad and insignificant. 

How Is Living Vicariously Dangerous? 

Living vicariously from time to time may not be harmful. However, if vicarious living becomes your primary way of life or takes up a significant portion of your time, it can have harmful results.

You May Become Dependent

Living vicariously may cause you to feel dependent on others for your happiness and fulfillment. When your life only feels meaningful due to the accomplishments of others, you may be leaving your happiness in the hands of someone else. Because of this, you might lose your sense of independence, confidence, and ability to navigate daily life independently. 

You Ignore What You Can Do

When you live through others, you might miss what matters most to you. If your attention is focused on someone else, you may neglect your own abilities, gifts, and talents.

You Might Develop Excuses

When you are living vicariously through others, it could feel easy to put off working toward your own goals. If someone else is doing all the work and you are holding onto the emotional reward, you may start making excuses for yourself. 

For example, you might believe the other person is more successful, talented, beautiful, or intelligent than you and that you'll never be able to reach their level. However, you may disregard that anyone can go through struggles, and many successful people have worked hard to get where they are, despite setbacks. 

You Give Others A Sense Of Obligation

When you live vicariously through someone close to you, you may inadvertently create goals they feel they must meet. When this happens, you might make them feel pressured or obligated. 

Your loved one may feel hurt and left with an understanding that the emotional needs of others are more important than their own.

You May Ignore The Dreams Of Others

It may feel easy to steer someone in directions they might not be interested in. For example, if a parent ignores their child's natural talent for music and pushes them toward academics, they could shut the door on their child's dreams.

How To Stop Living Vicariously Through Others

If you have been living vicariously through others, and it is negatively affecting you or someone close to you, there are ways to take a step back. 

Remember Who You Are

Try to remember what makes you unique. Think of your talents and abilities and make a list of qualities that make you unique.

Celebrate Your Accomplishments

There may be something in your life to celebrate. Perhaps your most significant accomplishment was a milestone like graduating from school or raising your children. However, try to acknowledge daily successes, too, such as getting in a morning workout or making lunch for your children.  

Anything you feel proud of may be recognized as an accomplishment. Take time to meditate or write in a journal about what this accomplishment means to you and how it has impacted you.

Grieve What You Lost

If you feel there are opportunities you've missed out on, it can be normal to grieve. Try to get in touch with your feelings and give yourself time to work through them. Consider putting a positive spin on your feelings by considering all the opportunities you have, not only focusing on the experience you may have lost. 

Additionally, there may be limiting beliefs holding you back from completing a goal that could be possible. For example, some individuals may believe they can't complete a goal due to their age, social status, mental health condition, physical health, or other areas of life. 

Although there may be extra difficulties in completing a task alongside challenging circumstances, you may be able to find ways to make it happen by changing your mindset. Try not to write off your dreams forever. 

Log Off

Signing off social media for some time may help you regain a realistic perspective about the people around you. Studies show that social media can increase stress due to social comparison. 

Despite what appears on social media, real life may not always be perfect or dramatic. Your family, friends, or favorite celebrities may not be more capable or gifted than you are. They may struggle as well but do not post about their challenges in an attempt to act positively online. 

Learn To Be Supportive

There may be a fine line between acting supportive toward someone and living vicariously through them. Being supportive may require you to empower someone to be their best without having a personal interest in what they do. You may be supportive when you want someone to succeed, no matter their path.

You may have crossed the line into vicarious living when your support turns self-serving. Try your best to avoid pushing someone to follow a path because you would like that path for yourself.

Seek Professional Help

If you've been living vicariously through others for a while, you may feel you're in too deep to start focusing on your own life now. You may want to look toward your goals but don't know where to begin.

This stage is where an in-person or online counselor may help. They can support you in setting your own goals and finding personal fulfillment. Therapy has also been shown to improve communication skills and decision-making, which can help you develop supportive relationships with those around you. If you're thinking about online therapy, studies show that 71% of participants who tried online counseling found it preferable to in-person therapy for treating various mental health concerns.

If you want to get started, online platforms such as BetterHelp offers a growing database of counselors specializing in various mental health conditions, including anxiety, depression, or trauma-related disorders. Additionally, online counseling allows you to meet from anywhere in the world that has an internet connection using your personal device.