The Causes And Symptoms Of Infantilization
If you've ever felt belittled by the way someone spoke to you or dehumanized by low expectations, you're not alone. Infantilization is not just about treating someone as younger than their age; it's about stripping away their sense of agency and competence. This can occur in various contexts, from family dynamics to professional environments, impacting the ability to see oneself as a capable and autonomous adult.
Here, you will learn about the multifaceted causes behind this tendency, recognize its characteristics, and explore the steps you can take to foster a culture of respect and empowerment.
What is infantilization?
Infantilization refers to the process of treating someone significantly older, often an adult, as if they are much younger than their actual age, thereby denying them the respect, responsibilities, and autonomy appropriate for their stage in life. This treatment can manifest in various ways, such as through communication that diminishes the individual's competence, imposing unnecessary restrictions on their behavior, or by making decisions for them that they are capable of making themselves.
Why infantilization happens: Understanding its causes
The causes of infantilization can vary, from a simple miscalculation or misunderstanding to a deeply ingrained cultural or societal norm. Young people and seniors often face infantilization, as well as Individuals with autism, disabilities, or chronic illnesses due to misconceptions about their capabilities.
Some common reasons for infantilization include:
Misjudgment
Sometimes, we may genuinely not realize the extent of another person’s abilities. This could be due to a lack of communication or understanding, assumptions based on appearance or first impressions, or simply not having witnessed the person in a situation that showcases their skills and competencies.
Often, people may not realize they’re infantilizing another person or that it’s unwelcome. In such cases, it is often correctable through awareness and communication. This may be the case with adult children and senior parents or caregivers and those they’re caring for.
Overprotection
A desire to shield someone from harm, failure, or negative experiences can lead to overprotective behaviors. Parents, educators, or caregivers may believe they are acting in the best interest of the individual by taking over tasks they deem too challenging or risky, inadvertently stunting the person's growth and independence.
Fear of letting go
Especially prevalent in parent-child relationships, the fear of letting go can cause parents to continue treating their adult children as if they were still minors, limiting their opportunities to make decisions, face consequences, and learn from their experiences.
Control
In some instances, infantilization can stem from a desire to maintain control over another person. By undermining their autonomy, the controlling party can keep the individual dependent, making it easier to influence or dictate their choices and behavior.
Lack of awareness or education
A lack of understanding about the importance of autonomy and independent living skills can lead to infantilization. This is often seen in environments where there is little emphasis on teaching or modeling independence from a young age.
Cultural and societal norms
Cultural expectations and societal norms can play a significant role in infantilization. In some cultures, there is a strong emphasis on familial dependency, with adult children expected to live at home and rely on their parents' guidance until marriage or even beyond.
Similarly, societal norms that do not recognize the capabilities of certain groups (e.g., seniors, individuals with disabilities) can lead to widespread infantilization.
Protective policies and practices
In some cases, policies and practices designed to protect vulnerable individuals can inadvertently lead to infantilization. While the intention may be to safeguard, overly protective measures can restrict individuals' freedom to learn from mistakes, make choices, and develop self-reliance.
Sexism
Infantilization is often linked to sexism, where gender stereotypes and biases play a significant role in perpetuating this issue. Women, in particular, may be subject to infantilization in various contexts, including the workplace, personal relationships, and society at large, due to outdated and discriminatory beliefs about gender roles and capabilities.
What infantilization looks like
While there is no one specific situation that can describe all iterations of infantilization, there are several common types. Here are a few forms of infantilization that may be used knowingly or unknowingly—especially by parents toward children.
Disapproval
Expressing disapproval or other negative judgments toward another person’s decisions and actions can be a way of infantilizing them. It shows that you don’t trust their intelligence or decision-making skills, and that only you know what’s best for them. When it comes to parenting, frequent disapproval can send the child the message that their instincts, desires, or choices are invalid, incorrect, or not to be trusted. Those who were raised this way have essentially been programmed to doubt themselves, their intuition, and their gut feelings, which can make adult life difficult.
Interference
Another form of infantilization involves going beyond expressing disapproval and actually taking matters into one’s own hands. It’s an even stronger expression of one person’s belief that the other is completely incapable of running their own life.
For instance, a parent might call the school or a classmate’s parent to sort out a dispute their child is having with another student, rather than encouraging them to build conflict-resolution skills and supporting them as they take on the situation themselves. Or, a parent could actively sabotage their adult child’s romantic relationship because they believe that it’s not a good match and that they should be with someone else.
Excessive criticism
Hurtful comments can undermine a person's self-confidence, often under the guise of helping them. Clothing choices, weight gain, choice of career or partner, and many other aspects of life can all become subject to heavy criticism. Eventually, the child or other person who is being negatively addressed may come to truly believe that all their choices are incorrect and that the only person who knows what’s best for them is their parent/partner/etc.
Infantilization may also manifest as sexism, verbal abuse, denial of emotional support, and even gifts that aren’t age-appropriate. All of these types of actions have the potential to undermine the other person’s self-confidence and self-worth and deeply damage the relationship.
If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.
Why infantilization happens
The causes of infantilization can vary. When it happens in milder forms or infrequently, the person may genuinely not realize they’re doing it or that it’s unwelcome. In cases like these, it can be a mistake or misstep that’s correctable through awareness and communication. This may be the case with adult children and senior parents or caregivers and those they’re caring for.
In some cases, infantilization plays a role in creating a chronic relationship dynamic. It may be linked to certain underlying issues or even mental health disorders that can take more effort and intentionality to unearth and begin to adjust. Some researchers have also associated infantilization with narcissism. Parents with narcissistic tendencies or narcissistic personality disorder may not want their children to grow up and stop being reliant on them or having to obey them, so they’ll attempt to prevent that from happening. Partners who display narcissism may also be so hooked on the feeling of being needed or the power they have over another person that they may do anything to try and maintain this dynamic.
Negative outcomes of infantilization
A parent consistently infantilizing a child throughout their upbringing and even into adulthood can have serious consequences. One study found that helicopter parenting behaviors such as infantilization correlate with a higher likelihood that students will feel burned out in school and lack self-control.
Overprotective parenting has also been associated with child anxiety, decreased self-esteem, and hindered social skills. By not allowing children to experience failure and navigate challenges independently, overprotective parents inadvertently prevent their children from developing resilience and problem-solving abilities.
It’s not just children who can be harmed by infantilization, either. It can be damaging to the self-esteem and self-worth of older adults and/or those with illnesses or disabilities.
Infantilization has been observed in senior living facilities, with practices including confinement, baby-talk, diminutive nicknames, child-like decor, didactic interactions, reprimands, and the use of toys, along with a significant reduction in control, autonomy, choice, and adult status. These practices may constitute a form of psychological mistreatment, impacting negatively on behavior, well-being, self-identity, relationship formation, and social interaction among the affected individuals.
How to stop infantilization
If you’re experiencing infantilizing treatment from someone in your life, a good first step may be to set boundaries. This process involves pushing back when the person tries to employ one of the infantilizing tactics we mentioned above, or otherwise makes you feel like you’re helpless or incapable of running your own life.
Start by making clear, calm statements about what you will and will not tolerate. Avoid discussing the reasoning behind your decisions, since this often simply serves as a way for the other person to try and convince you otherwise. Stand firm, and walk away if needed.
How to stop infantilizing others
Recognizing that you are expressing infantilizing behaviors towards someone else is a critical first step towards making a change. Once you've acknowledged this, you can begin the journey of altering your actions and interactions with others.
Part of this change involves respecting the boundaries of others and learning to keep your opinions about their actions to yourself. It's important to understand that infantilization can become a deeply ingrained habit over time, and thus, it may require a significant effort and patience to unlearn.
Your progress in overcoming this habit will largely depend on your dedication to change. Being open to self-reflection and committed to adjusting your behavior are key factors in this process. For some, seeking the assistance of a professional could offer guidance and strategies to expedite this transition, making it easier to adopt a more respectful and empowering approach towards interacting with others.
How therapy can help
If you’ve been or are currently being infantilized in a relationship, it can take a toll on your mental health. Meeting with a therapist may help you rebuild your confidence, learn to set boundaries and find out what red flags to watch for to help you avoid these dynamics in the future. If you’ve realized that you’re infantilizing someone in your life, a therapist can help you understand the psychology behind this behavior and work toward change.
Traditional, in-person therapy is always an option for those who are comfortable with this format. For those who prefer to receive treatment from the comfort of their own home, online therapy is another option. With a platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed mental health professional who can help you work through the challenges you may be facing via phone, video call, and/or online chat. With research suggesting that virtual therapy is no less efficacious than in-person methods, this may be a viable option for those who prefer it. See below for reviews of BetterHelp counselors from clients who have found themselves in similar situations.
Counselor reviews
“Pat has been an incredible advocate for me! She checks in and cheers me on and has given me advice and tools to deal with professional and personal/familial conflicts that left me doubting myself. She’s been instrumental in helping me discover and unpack learned behavior I wasn’t even aware of and helping me understand and establish healthy boundaries with people in my life. I can undoubtedly say that I’ve been feeling better about myself and more comfortable with the way I walk through the world in large part thanks to her.”
“I started working with Jeana a few weeks ago mainly because I am trying to really step out and learn who I am without the influence of my family and others. She has been so very helpful in guiding me through this process and helping me manage those emotions that will pop up while trying to dig through life.”
Takeaway
What is infantilization?
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, infantilize is defined as:
- To make or keep infantile.
- To treat as if infantile.
Within a mental health context, it is described as "a form of abuse in which a competent adult or young adult is treated like a child."
What are some examples of infantilization?
- Using diminutives such as "sweetheart," "honey," and "dear" when addressing an adult.
- When one adult tries to control another's behavior by giving consistently unsolicited advice or degrading their abilities.
- Unnecessarily over-simplifying an explanation or suggesting an individual won't understand something without any reason to think so.
- Insisting that the individual remain in constant contact and account for where they are at all times.
What is the purpose of infantilization?
Infantilization is often used to exert control or gain the "upper hand" over another by making them doubt their abilities. It can take away an individual's autonomy, stunt their development, and, in some cases, demean them.
What are the effects of infantilization?
The effects of infantilization can be long-lasting and range from mild to severe, depending on the individual and circumstances. They can be as detrimental for children and teenagers as for adults. Some examples of how infantilization can affect individuals include:
- It can strip individuals of their autonomy and independence, resulting in frustration and disempowerment.
- Constant infantilization can erode a person's sense of dignity and self-esteem. Feeling constantly patronized or belittled can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth.
- Infantilization in parent-child situations can make an individual overly dependent on others later in life.
- Infantilization in adult relationships can lead to resentment and strained interactions.
- Infantilization in younger children can hinder personal growth and development. This can diminish a child's ability to make confident decisions or learn from their mistakes.
- It can lead to miscommunication and frustration when individuals don't feel heard or understood.
- In the workplace, infantilization can hinder career advancement despite an individual's experience, expertise, and ability.
What is an example of infantilization in the workplace?
When an individual diminishes another through remarks about their physical attributes. For example, people who are shorter than average or appear younger than their actual age might experience infantilization in the form of comments that suggest inability. This can cause others to question their expertise and authority based on their appearance.
What does infantilization look like?
The appearance of infantilization may vary with individuals and circumstances. For example, it may look like talking down to or patronizing an elder. It may appear in the form of treating a work colleague as if they can't understand basic concepts without evidence to suggest they wouldn't. It can also be represented by one partner constantly monitoring and questioning the other's choices.
What should you do if you feel infantilized?
Feeling infantilized can be frustrating and uncomfortable at its mildest and debilitating and abusive at its most severe. Here are some suggestions on what to do if you have infantilized experiences:
Reflect on your feelings.
Often, infantilization goes on so long that the person it affects may not notice it anymore. It can begin to feel normal, so it's crucial to analyze the situations where you feel infantilized. Are there specific patterns or triggers that lead to these feelings? Understanding the context can help you identify and address such situations more effectively.
Communicate those feelings.
Not everyone who makes others feel infantilized may know how their actions affect them. If you feel safe enough, calmly and assertively express your feelings to them. Use "I" statements to explain your perspective, such as "I feel patronized when..." Communicating how you feel will help you determine an individual's motives and let them know how their language and behaviors can be damaging.
Set boundaries.
Taking control and clearly defining your boundaries can help you cope with infantilization. Let others know what you are comfortable with, and firmly establish what kind of treatment you expect and deserve.
Educate others.
Sometimes, people may not understand the impact of their behavior. You can educate them about why their actions make you uncomfortable and how they can change their behavior to be more respectful.
Seek support.
Talk to friends, family members, or a therapist about your feelings of infantilization. They can provide emotional support, advice, and perspective.
Practice self-advocacy.
Learn to advocate for yourself. Assertiveness training can be beneficial in helping you communicate your needs and assert your rights without being aggressive or passive.
Re-evaluate your relationships.
If specific individuals consistently make you feel infantilized despite your efforts to communicate and set boundaries, evaluating the value of these relationships may be necessary. Distancing yourself from toxic or unhealthy relationships is sometimes the best course of action.
Take steps to build self-esteem.
Building your self-esteem and self-confidence can help you feel more safe, making it easier to handle situations where you might otherwise feel infantilized.
Seek help from a mental health professional.
If your feelings of infantilization affect your mental health and well-being, consider speaking to a therapist or counselor who can provide guidance and support in addressing these issues.
What is infantilizing language?
Infantilizing language refers to linguistic terms commonly used to demean or infantilize others. Common examples include:
- Referring to a woman as a "girl" or a man as a "boy."
- Using terms like "sweetie," "dear," or "honey" when addressing an adult in more professional or formal situations or if the individual doesn't know the other intimately enough to use such terms with affection.
- Using terms that praise or coddle a child, such as "good girl or good boy," when addressing an adult.
- Questions such as "Have you been a good girl/boy?" exemplify infantilizing speech.
- In some cases, infantilizing speech is more subtle and challenging to identify. For example, asking questions that suggest the person is incompetent (especially without expecting a response) or implying someone is of lower intelligence by over-simplifying speech.
What causes childish behavior in adults?
The underlying reasons why an adult would act like a child are many. Occasional or mild childishness may sometimes be a normal part of human behavior. However, childish behavior may indicate more serious underlying issues if it becomes a consistent or problematic pattern.
Here are some common causes of infantilizing behavior in adults:
- Unresolved Childhood Trauma: Adults with unresolved emotional wounds or issues from their upbringing may exhibit childlike behaviors to cope with these complex emotions.
- Lack of Emotional Control: Some adults may struggle with emotional control, leading to impulsive and emotionally immature behavior. Various factors, including a lack of emotional development or coping skills, can cause this.
- Personality Disorders: Certain personality disorders, such as borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder, can be associated with childlike behaviors. Individuals with these disorders may struggle with emotional stability and interpersonal relationships.
- Substance Use Disorders: Substances like alcohol and drugs can impair judgment and lead to impulsive and immature behavior in adults.
- Neurodevelopmental Disorders: Some individuals with neurodevelopmental disorders like Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) may exhibit childlike behaviors due to impulse control and attention difficulties.
It's vital to recognize that disability studies show that infantilizing people with such disorders can be highly detrimental, and the behavior is often more widespread than we may realize.
For example, an essay published in disability studies quarterly empirically analyzed how parents, charitable organizations, and the media/news infantilized autism. The authors found that people with autism are overwhelmingly infantilized by all parties, "posing a formidable barrier to the dignity and well-being of autistic people of all ages."
- Social and Cultural Factors: Cultural and social factors can also influence behavior. Childlike behavior may be more accepted or encouraged in certain contexts in some cultures or social groups.
- Personality Traits: Some individuals may have personality traits that include childlike qualities, such as a playful or whimsical nature. This may not necessarily be problematic unless it interferes with their ability to function in adult roles.
- Lack of Responsibility or Accountability: Avoiding adult responsibilities and refusing to take accountability for one's actions can lead to childish behavior. This may manifest as a refusal to work, pay bills, or engage in other adult responsibilities.
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