The Importance Of Setting Boundaries For A Healthy Relationship
In any kind of relationship, boundaries can allow both people involved to understand how the other person wants to be treated. Establishing and respecting boundaries can be a key part of a strong, healthy relationship, as they can help ensure both people feel respected and comfortable with the dynamics. While boundaries are often talked about in romantic relationships, boundaries can be important for any type of healthy relationship, be it with a coworker, friend, or family member.
But setting boundaries can be challenging, and it is often easier said than done. Here, we’ll explore what boundaries can do for you and your relationships, and we’ll offer a few tips for how to go about establishing boundaries to help you take steps to meet your needs and care for your mental health.
What are boundaries and how can they help?
So, what exactly are boundaries and what difference do they make in relationships?
Types of boundaries
There are multiple types of boundaries you can establish in a relationship, including:
What are physical boundaries?
Physical boundaries can involve your personal needs and preferences regarding your personal space, or body. People may express some of their physical boundaries through body language, establishing personal space. For example, some people like to greet people they know by hugging them. If you do not want to hug, you can extend your arm to offer a handshake, defining where your boundary is.
Physical boundaries in the context of relationships can include a variety of things. For example, you might express to someone that you need some personal space, so you go into a room and close the door. If they storm in without knocking, they would be crossing your boundary. Or, if you express that you need some time alone to recharge and are going for a walk, but someone insists on coming with you, this action could be crossing your boundary.
What are emotional boundaries?
Your emotional boundaries can define how emotionally available you are to other people and how much you might feel comfortable talking. Emotional boundaries can involve the ways in which you are able to be there for someone else, given your own needs and responsibilities. They can also involve what you are willing to share about your life with someone else.
For instance, if you have a friend, co-worker, family member, or partner who is always venting to you about their problems or probing you about your personal life, you can tell them what you are comfortable with and where your emotional boundary is. If they continue to push, you can restate where you stand and take the time you need for yourself.
What are mental boundaries?
Mental boundaries involve your thoughts and beliefs. You’re not always going to agree with everyone, and not everyone is always going to agree with you, but we can still respect each other’s opinions.
You have the right to form your own thoughts, beliefs, and opinions, even if they don’t align with those of your parents, partner, coworkers, or friends. If you express yourself and are met with condescension, intimidation, or aggression, you can maintain your boundary and walk away.
What are sexual boundaries?
One type of boundary that is unique to intimate relationships is sexual boundaries. These boundaries establish what you are comfortable with regarding your physical or sexual relationship with a partner, whether you have just met or have been in a relationship for a long time.
Some people may have a high sex drive, while others may not be interested in sex at all. Some people may be interested in certain sexual acts, while others may not be comfortable with them. Each person can determine what exactly they are comfortable with and where their boundaries are, and they can also adjust these boundaries if they choose to. Consistently respecting each other’s sexual boundaries is essential.
How can boundaries help strengthen a relationship?
Boundaries can create trust in a relationship. When your parent, partner, colleague, or friend respects your boundaries, it shows you that they are listening and respecting you. When you are in a relationship with mutual respect, you’re more likely to feel appreciated and validated, and the other person is likely not taking you for granted. This sense can strengthen your connection, as it can help you feel safe and valued in the relationship, rather than feeling disrespected, ignored, or dismissed.
Can boundaries be flexible?
Your boundaries can be flexible, and you can decide what they are and how you may want to adjust them with different people or different situations. As you get closer to someone, you may feel comfortable loosening your boundaries a little, or maybe you won’t. You may also decide to be a little more flexible with different people under different circumstances, and that can make sense, too. The choice is up to you.
Your boundaries are also likely to change from relationship to relationship, too. For example, you will likely have certain boundaries with your colleague that you won’t have with a sibling, and you’ll likely have different boundaries for a close friend than you would for a romantic partner. These changes can be big or small.
Tips for establishing boundaries
If you’re not used to setting and maintaining boundaries, it can be hard to know how to start. Here are some tips to consider to help you get started.
Who do you want to set boundaries in your relationship?
Is there something making you uncomfortable? Is the other person continuing to do something that you don’t like? Identifying what is happening and what you need can be a good way to determine the boundary you need to set.
Start small.
You don’t need to set big, rigid boundaries in all of your relationships all at once. You can start small, build them up slowly, and then re-evaluate. After setting small boundaries, you can ask yourself: are you heading in the right direction? Have things in your relationship improved with these small boundaries? Do you need to go further?
What is it better to set boundaries early in new relationships?
Whether you make a new friend, start a new job, or meet a new romantic partner, try to set your boundaries and expectations from the very beginning. While you can establish boundaries in an existing relationship, it can sometimes be challenging for you and the other person to change. By putting boundaries in place at the beginning, everyone knows where they stand from the start.
If someone crosses your boundaries, let them know.
Communication can be an important piece of setting, maintaining, and reinforcing boundaries. If someone crosses one of your boundaries, you can speak up and communicate to them that you feel uncomfortable.
For example, if you have told a friend that there is a certain topic you don’t feel comfortable talking about, but they keep asking you about it, you can consider saying something like, “I don’t feel comfortable talking about that, can we talk about something else?”
Consider your own well-being.
Setting and maintaining boundaries can be a bold act of self-care. If you value yourself, your time, and your emotional, mental, and physical well-being, you will be more likely to maintain the boundaries that you’ve established.
Respect and appreciate other people’s boundaries.
If you want others to respect your boundaries, it’s important to respect their boundaries as well. It wouldn’t be fair to disregard someone else’s boundaries but then expect them to honor yours—healthy relationships involve mutual respect, and boundaries can go both ways.
How therapy can help
If you need help setting and maintaining healthy boundaries or want support navigating a relationship with someone who continues to ignore yours, consider talking to a therapist. Therapy can help you identify what boundaries might be useful for you in your relationships and give you the skills you need to help ensure your needs are met.
Benefits of online therapy
When you’re trying to set and enforce new boundaries, it can be challenging and confusing at times, and you may find that you have questions popping up about how best to handle a situation—such as when a parent disrespects a boundary you’ve just set. In these situations, it can be helpful to be able to reach out for support in the moment. With online therapy through BetterHelp, you can use in-app messaging to reach out to your therapist at any time, and they will respond as soon as they can.
Plus, research has demonstrated the effectiveness of online therapy for a range of concerns, including traits that can be useful when trying to set and enforce boundaries. For instance, one research study examined the effectiveness of an internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy (ICBT) program for low self-esteem in adolescents, and it concluded that “ICBT can be effective for treating low self-esteem”.
Takeaway
How do you set boundaries in relationships?
To set boundaries in relationships, it is important to be clear about what you want with yourself and your partner. It requires good communication skills and assertiveness to ensure that the other person knows what you’re asking for.
When laying out your boundaries, be as clear and straightforward as possible. Express what you do want instead of what you don’t want, and be prepared to manage any discomfort, guilt, or remorse that you may feel as a result of asking for what you want. It can be easy to feel that it is selfish to insist on getting what you want in a relationship, but setting clear boundaries for what you want can help you build a healthy relationship.
What are the 5 normal boundaries in a relationship?
Specific boundaries will differ from one relationship to another, but there are five general types of boundaries that are typically addressed in relationships.
- Physical boundaries. An example of a physical boundary in a relationship may be that you expect your partner not to go through your dresser drawers, look through your phone, or that you don’t want them to hug you as soon as you walk in the door after a stressful day.
- Sexual boundaries. Sexual boundaries can vary. Some people may want their partner to check in during intercourse to ensure their comfort, while others may want to be asked for consent before engaging in any intimate act. Sexual boudaries can also include decisions about the frequency of intimacy and types of contraception. For example, one partner may only consent to sex if their partner uses a condom.
- Emotional boundaries. Emotional boundaries focus on emotional comfort. For example, you might tell your partner that you don’t want to talk about a difficult topic while you’re at work or refuse to have a conversation about why you turned someone down for a date.
- Material or financial boundaries. These boundaries center on your belongings. For example, someone you have a relationship may expect you to lend them your car, take them out for a meal, or pay a bill for them. You can set these boundaries by saying something like, “You can borrow my car for the afternoon if you bring it back with a full tank of gas,” or, “No, I won’t pay your phone bill.”
- Time boundaries. These allow you to focus on deciding what you spend your time on. For example, you may prefer to spend Friday nights a home after a busy work week rather than going out, or you may like to keep Sunday nights open so you can relax and prepare for the week ahead. Time boundaries can also refer to refusing to take personal phone calls during the work day or not responding to work emails after you leave the office.
Why is it important to set and respect boundaries in healthy relationships?
Boundaries can create trust in a relationship. Respecting your partner’s boundaries can also show them that you respect their wishes and are willing to work with them to grow the relationship.
What is an example of a healthy boundary in a relationship?
Some examples of health boundaries in a relatioship can include having a night out with friends every other weekend, trusting your partner not to go through your phone of social media accounts, asking your partner not to discuss personal matters with friends and family, and using appropriate contraception for intimacy.
What are unhealthy boundaries?
Unhealthy boundaries are those that allow a person to be taken advantage of in a relationship. They can demonstrate a lack of respect and lead to significant challenges. For example, in a work relationship, an unhealthy boundary may be responding to work emails and texts on the weekends or staying late at work every night. In a romantic relationship, unhealthy boundaries can include allowing one person to control all of the financial decisions or going against personal values just to please the other person.
What is your most important boundary?
The most important boundary varies from person to person and relationship to relationship. For example, for someone in a relationship with a partner who is respectful of their time and physical boundaries but borrow their car without asking, material boundaries may be the most important to address.
What boundaries should a girl have in a relationship?
Every relationship is different, but people may want to focus on physical, sexual, emotional, material/financial, and time boundaries.
How do I identify my boundaries?
Everyone has different boundaries. To determine yours, it can help to start with some self-reflection to identify you needs. You can establish boundaries when you’re already in a relationship or base your boundaries on things you want from a future relationship.
Start by thinking about what you want from yourself and need from others, identifying what makes you feel safe and what makes you feel uncomfortable. Pay attention to how you feel in different situations, and keep a journal to keep track of when you feel stressed or uncomfortable to help you figure out where a boundary may be necessary.
What are acceptable boundaries?
Acceptable boundaries can be considered those that protect your overall well-being without being so rigid that they impact the connection or communication in the relationship or infringe upon someone else’s boundaries.
How to politely set boundaries?
Be as clear and straightforward as possible, being assertive enough to make your point while choosing your words carefully. It can help to focus on the things you do want rather than what you don’t want (for example, “I want some time to decompress after work” instead of “I don’t want you to start asking me questions as soon as I walk in the door”).
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