What Is Emotional Agony, And How Can It Change You?

Medically reviewed by Melissa Guarnaccia, LCSW
Updated April 29, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team
Content warning: Please be advised, the below article might mention trauma-related topics that could be triggering to the reader. Please see our Get Help Now page for more immediate resources.

Agony and grief can be more than temporary feelings or passing emotions. Over time, emotional agony may change your personality, from your values and outlook on life to how you treat others. Recognizing agony and its effects may help you channel those changes more positively.

Manage emotional agony with professional, compassionate support

Defining agony: What is emotional agony?

Agony is a state of severe, extended physical, mental, or emotional pain or discomfort. The word "agony" can describe intense pain experienced in the body or mind. There are various types of pain, including mental pain, spiritual pain, social pain, or what some may refer to as soul pain. Some types of pain are not purely physical but can deeply affect an individual’s mental and spiritual well-being.

Emotional agony is a form of intense emotional pain, mental suffering, or psychological pain that some may experience for a short or extended period due to a specific event or mental health condition. In this state, an individual may grapple with negative emotions, sometimes leading to a dysphoric state. It can manifest itself differently for each person, but it may lead to negative changes like:

  • Sadness

  • Chronic stress

  • Mood swings

  • Low energy or poor sleep

  • Changes in appetite

  • Anxiety or depression

  • Persistent negative feelings

  • Trouble maintaining or forming relationships

  • Risky behaviors 

  • Difficulty caring for your hygiene 

If left untreated, emotional agony may escalate into psychogenic pain, in which frustrated psychological needs may occur or be worsened by physical symptoms of other medical conditions. Emotional agony may also lead to severe outcomes like sex addiction and suicide attempts. Many individuals who feel overwhelmed by dysphoric states or social exclusion might struggle with finding a sense of belonging or life meaning.

Five common causes of emotional agony

Agony may occur differently for each person and might not be incited by the same causes. Below are a few potential causes of this experience. 

Loss

One of the most common types of emotional agony is the agony of losing someone close to you, otherwise known as grief. Many people go through the process of grief at some point. However, it can often be unexpected and cause turmoil and upheaval. Grief may also be traumatic, which can be associated with feelings of emotional agony. 

Mental illness

Emotional agony can also stem from a mental illness like bipolar disorder, depression, or borderline personality disorder (BPD), although these are not the only conditions that may cause it. Those living with a mental health condition may experience emotional agony more frequently than others, often including subjective experiences characterized by intense emotional pain. In these cases, treatment with a mental health professional may be advantageous. 

Physical illness

Physical pain, whether it is acute (like a broken bone) or chronic (like arthritis), can lead to a state of emotional agony. The idea that chronic pain can present many challenges and may contribute to ongoing mental and emotional concerns is the foundation of psychosomatic medicine. If someone struggles to find treatment for their pain, they may experience emotional distress from difficulty working, forming relationships, or having leisure time to relax. 

Regret

Past mistakes and regrets may also be a primary cause of emotional turmoil in life, often leading to aversive tension as individuals live with their actions and the desire to make amends. If you've made a mistake that you regret—whether it was on purpose or was an accident—living in past regrets can lead to extended periods of emotional agony.

Rejection and failure

Rejection and failure can lead to an ongoing feeling of emotional agony. Some people may be more sensitive to rejection, a phenomenon known as rejection sensitivity. When this symptom occurs, perceived or actual rejection can leave someone feeling extremely distressed, scared, and confused. 

Short-term vs. long-term emotional pain and agony

Emotional pain may exist in everyday life. For example, you might have to work on a day when you'd rather stay home and experience stress. You might experience a day where you struggle to make your rent and borrow money from a partner, leading to feelings of guilt. These acute emotional pains may be resolved in the short term or coped with through daily coping mechanisms like mindfulness or deep breathing. However, emotional agony can also persist long-term and be difficult to cope with. 

Emotional agony is a severe emotional pain that can be long-lasting and persistent. It may feel like it doesn't have an easy solution and could be difficult to control with traditional coping skills. It may also involve physical symptoms and chronic stress. 

Ways to cope with emotional agony 

Although emotional agony can feel unending for some people, there are ways to try to cope with this pain in your daily life, including the following. 

Live in the moment

Some people use the practice of mindfulness to cope with challenging emotions. Mindfulness can involve paying attention to your present moment, grounding yourself in reality, and practicing sensory awareness to focus on more than an emotion. In addition, mindfulness could help you consider the areas of your life you are grateful for, potentially providing motivation and comfort. Studies show a correlation between self-compassion and mindfulness practices like meditation.  

Reach out for social support 

Emotional agony might lead to isolation, which can lead to further emotional agony. Humans are social creatures and benefit significantly from spending time with others. When you begin experiencing severe emotional pain, consider expressing this pain by making it known to someone you trust. Saying the words aloud (or writing them down) to someone willing to receive them may take power from the pain and help you feel more in control of your situation. 

Let go of blame and practice radical acceptance 

Forgiving yourself or another person can be vital in overcoming emotional agony. Forgiveness is not necessarily about forgetting what happened but letting go of what you cannot change. 

One way to accept what cannot be or isn't healthy to change is radical acceptance, a dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) skill from the distress tolerance handout in the DBT workbook. You can follow these steps to try radical acceptance at home: 

  1. Observe how you might be questioning or fighting your reality.

  2. Remind yourself that your reality cannot be changed in this situation.

  3. Try to note any causes for the reality. Acknowledge how many people cannot control painful circumstances but can choose how to proceed. 

  4. Practice acceptance with your mind, body, and spirit. Use positive self-talk to tell yourself you are willing to accept this situation, even if it is difficult.

  5. List all the behaviors you'd partake in if you already accepted this situation. Then, act this way until you find it aligns with your reality.

  6. Cope ahead by thinking of ways to accept the situation if it worsens.

  7. Attend to your body sensations using mindfulness or meditation to connect with yourself.

  8. Allow disappointment, sadness, grief, or anger to arise if they do. Give them the space to exist without judgment. 

  9. Acknowledge that life can be worth living, even when there is pain.

  10. Create a pros and cons list if you are resisting acceptance further.

If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or urges, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or text 988 to talk to someone over SMS. Support is available 24/7.

Get proactive with happiness 

While understanding that some emotional pain and agony may be unavoidable, developing a strategy to increase happiness in your life may be helpful. Note that happiness is a temporary emotion, and all emotions have a place in life. If you don't feel constantly happy, you're not alone. Humans often cycle through multiple emotions per day. A few ways you can have more moments of happiness may include the following: 

  • Adhering to a solid schedule of sleeping, eating, and working

  • Spending time with friends and family

  • Exercising regularly 

  • Eating healthy meals

  • Washing your face with cool water before bed

  • Journaling about your feelings

  • Spending time with your pets

  • Finding a hobby that brings you joy and setting aside time for it daily or weekly

  • Participating in a creative activity like art or music 

  • Writing stories or poetry

  • Planning a fun event or trip 

  • Exploring your city or nature near your city

  • Creating a dream board with your goals and wishes to motivate yourself 

Manage emotional agony with professional, compassionate support

Finding support for emotional distress

While defining agony can be a start to understanding it, emotional agony may be challenging to overcome alone. While helpful, the support provided by friends and family might not seem enough or could be biased. It may be beneficial to consider the guidance of a professional like a therapist. 

If your emotional agony makes it challenging to care for yourself, set appointments, or leave home, you can also try online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp. Online therapy allows you to connect with a therapist over video chat, phone call, or live chat messaging. You can also set your goals for therapy before getting started to ensure you match with someone specializing in your concerns.  

Research shows that online counseling is as effective as in-person sessions and can help individuals cope with anxiety and depression. One such study from Palo Alto University found that approximately 73% of study participants saw improved symptoms after six weeks of video-based cognitive-behavioral therapy. 

“Yvette has really helped me grow. After around 3-4 months, I've already seen an improvement in my ability to handle tough situations and develop a stronger inner self. I've had therapy from countless professionals, but this is the first time that I had therapy and I am actually resilient emotionally. Wow, I didn't know I could do that, and really thank Yvette for being a great therapist to help get me to this point.”

Takeaway

Emotional agony refers to prolonged and severe emotional pain or discomfort. It can result from significant changes or losses in life, including if you're living with a mental illness. Emotional agony can be a challenge to overcome, but by recognizing your role in controlling your happiness, you may find ways to feel better. If you struggle to care for these feelings independently, contact a licensed therapist for further guidance and compassion. You're not alone, and support is available.
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