Dealing With Guilt: Definition, Coping Mechanisms, And Prevention
Many people experience guilt, whether that guilt is warranted or not. For some people, guilt might be a quick pang that comes after delivering a harsh word or performing less than their best. For others, guilt may be a seemingly endless feeling. Moreover, guilt may be a method of control used against a person by friends, family members, or superiors. It can be possible to cope with guilt through introspection and setting boundaries with others. Meanwhile, you may prevent guilt by acting in accordance with your values and taking a proactive approach. A licensed therapist, whether in person or online, can also help you address and overcome feelings of guilt.
What is guilt?
Guilt can be defined as an emotional response to real or perceived mistakes or wrongdoing. Guilt may arise on its own or can surface at the behest of others. It may be accompanied by shame and feelings of isolation. It is not usually regarded positively, though it has frequently been linked to morality and matters of conscience.
Guilt can come and go, or it may be constant. It may manifest as a persistent feeling of shame, or it might only come about in times of great stress or after we’ve made a significant mistake.
What is the purpose of guilt?
Guilt may function as a means of guiding us in the right direction. If we’ve said something unkind to someone, for example, we might feel enough guilt that we are compelled to apologize. If we’ve been unfaithful to a partner, guilt may drive us to come clean and acknowledge our mistake. If we took credit for someone else's work, guilt could encourage us to go to our boss and make sure credit goes where it belongs. While guilt can be a helpful tool in keeping ourselves accountable, it can also be toxic in some circumstances.
In manipulative or abusive* relationships, guilt can be used by a partner as a tool to keep victims docile, quiet, and present instead of moving on to a healthier situation. Romantic partners aren’t the only ones who can use guilt, however. Family members and friends might also use guilt as a means of manipulation. A parent could guilt you into spending more time with them by regularly bringing up how lonely they are and how hard they worked to raise you, for instance. A friend might casually—but consistently—mention how they never see you anymore because of your new partner and insist that you see more of them instead. In these ways, guilt can be used as a means of steering or outright controlling others’ choices and behaviors.
*If you or a loved one is witnessing or experiencing any form of abuse, please know that help is available. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline anytime at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
How to cope with guilt and shame
Effective mechanisms for coping with guilt and shame may depend on the reason for the guilt. Different root causes may require different coping mechanisms.
If guilt is primarily coming from within, the first step in coping may be acknowledgment. You may need to recognize the feeling of guilt and why you feel that way, and allow yourself to feel that guilt for a moment. Once you’ve given yourself free rein to fully experience your feelings, you may begin untangling the source of your guilt.
Coping with guilt that originates from someone else can be more complex. In some cases, it may require setting boundaries with loved ones. This might mean agreeing to speak with family for a very specific amount of time or on specific days, or telling our friends we will not be available for a period of time. Setting boundaries could also mean telling our boss we will not work any extra shifts.
In some cases, the offending party might not like letting go of the control they have acquired as a result of imposing guilt, but it can be important for your well-being to set boundaries, if appropriate.
Preventing different types of guilt
Effectively preventing guilt can mean recognizing the type of guilt you are prone to experience. For example, preventing guilt from within might mean striving to do what you believe is right on a regular basis. If we believe we should hold our tongue in a heated moment with a partner, for example, we may decide to stay calm to prevent feeling guilty about having said something vicious in the moment.
If you tend to feel guilty over workplace conflicts, you could try being honest with coworkers, supervisors, and yourself to prevent taking undue credit or foisting work onto others. Because self-imposed guilt may stem from a failure to adhere to your moral standards, preventing this type of guilt may require living life according to your values.
Shame-based guilt may not be as simple to prevent. Self-imposed guilt that has reached toxic proportions may stem from unrealistic expectations we’ve set for ourselves or an internalization of someone else's expectations. To prevent this form of guilt, we might first identify our own values. You can do this by asking yourself if your values are, in fact, your own, or are simply a byproduct of your upbringing or conditioning. Identifying your own beliefs, wants, and needs can be a pivotal part of keeping toxic guilt at bay.
Preventing the type of guilt that comes from others may involve a proactive approach and setting boundaries. Boundaries can be difficult to set and enforce, but they can be crucial in avoiding guilt brought on by others and the corresponding control and manipulation this type of guilt often brings.
Sorting out guilt through therapy
Most people experience some form of guilt from time to time. As previously mentioned, some kinds of guilt can motivate us to make amends for wrongdoing. Although guilt is not always a negative thing, it can sometimes affect our self-esteem. Low self-esteem may lead to numerous other health concerns.
Preventing additional guilt and treating existing guilt may be an important task, both for our mental health and for those around us. While healthy guilt can keep us accountable, improve our health, and ensure we are living a life in line with our values, toxic guilt can drive us in the other direction, pushing us toward isolation, anger, and shame.
For example, some people may find themselves constantly feeling guilty over small mistakes. They might feel like guilt is taking over their lives, dictating their relationship choices, work decisions, and more. These individuals may have slipped into a trap of toxic guilt. This type of guilt can be debilitating rather than motivating, and it can be the start of a dangerous cycle. Some people may begin to isolate themselves and hide to avoid feeling guilty, then feel even more guilt and shame because they are hiding away. In these instances, a therapist may be able to explore the origins of guilt.
Benefits of online therapy
With online therapy, clients can explore their feelings of guilt with a licensed mental health provider from the comfort of their own home or preferred environment. This can help people open up about any feelings of guilt or shame they may have in a one-on-one setting. Digital therapy may also be more easy for people living in remote areas.
Effectiveness of online therapy
More research may be needed regarding the efficacy of online therapy specifically for relieving feelings of guilt. However, a large body of evidence suggests that online therapy is typically just as effective as traditional face-to-face therapy when it comes to addressing a wide variety of mental health disorders and concerns.
Takeaway
In some cases, guilt can alert us that we’ve acted in a way that doesn’t align with our values. In other cases, it may be an unwarranted emotion imposed upon us by others. Often, acting in accordance with your values can prevent guilt. You may cope with guilt by taking time for introspection and setting healthy boundaries with friends, family members, and other people in your life. If you’re finding this process challenging to get through on your own, consider seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.
How do you overcome feelings of guilt?
How you overcome feelings of unhealthy guilt may depend on the root cause of the guilt. If the guilt is coming from within, the first step may be acknowledging the guilt and allowing yourself to feel it. Then, try to identify the source.
If you’re dealing with external guilt, overcoming this negative feeling may be a little more challenging. In some cases, the person who is the source of your guilt may have control over your time or energy. In this case, you may need to set boundaries with loved ones or guard your time more carefully.
What is the coping mechanism for guilt?
Coping strategies for internal guilt may be acknowledging that guilt and spending some time identifying where it is coming from. For guilt that is coming from an outside source, you may need to put boundaries in place to protect your time and mental health.
How do you heal yourself from guilt?
Everyone feels guilty from time to time, but if you are experiencing toxic guilt and beating yourself up over small mistakes, it can dictate the decisions you make in your daily life. This type of guilt can be debilitating and may even lead to major depression. To heal, it can help to work with a therapist who can help you explore where this guilt is coming from and coping mechanisms to overcome it. Keep them up to date with your progress, and you may start to see improvement after a few sessions.
How do you accept feelings of guilt?
Learning the root of intense guilt can help you accept and manage it. To help you determine where your guilt is coming from, ask yourself some questions. What happened to make me feel guilty? What exactly do I feel guilty about? Did I really do something I shouldn’t have, or is that just how I’m perceiving it? Is someone else making me feel guilty? Once you are better able to understand what is causing your guilt, you may be able to accept it.
How do I let go of guilt and regret?
Overcoming guilt and regret can be challenging. To do so, it can be necessary to forgive yourself. Focus on self improvement. Try not to live in the past or dwell on your mistakes, and remind yourself that any mistakes that you have made don’t define you.
What is toxic guilt?
Sometimes, a little bit of guilt can have positive outcomes. On the other hand, toxic guilt is intense and disproportionate to the situation. It often involves self-punishment and self-blame and may be associated with high levels of perfectionism. Toxic guilt can be ongoing and persistent and can contribute to a negative self talk and significantly impact your well-being.
Where does guilt live in the body?
Everyone experiences guilt differently, so it can be challenging to pinpoint where people experience it. Symptoms of guilt can manifest anywhere in the body as it can affect people in a myriad of mental and emotional ways. Signs of guilt can include anxiety, nausea, headaches, depressed mood, trouble sleeping, facial flushing, emotional outbursts, appetite changes, or being unable to look someone in the eye.
What is the psychology of guilt?
The psychology of guilt may go back to Freud’s theories about the id, ego, and superego. Freud argued that shame and guilt were both connected to anxiety, with guilt being a particular type of anxiety.
What is the root emotion of guilt?
Guilt can be considered its own painful emotion, but it can be tied to self-consciousness, anxiety, depression, remorse, or regret.
How do you break the cycle of guilt?
How you break the cycle of constant feelings of guilt will depend on your situation. If your guilty feelings are internal, it can be helpful to try to forgive yourself, making amends for past mistakes. Have some self compassion, try to avoid self criticism, and remind yourself that these things don’t define you.
If your persistent guilt is external and being caused by someone else, setting boundaries in your everyday life can help. For example, you may need to limit the time you spend with certain family members or tell your boss that you are no longer willing to pick up extra hours.
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