Exploring causes of “mom guilt,” plus tips for managing it

The American Psychological Association defines guilt in general as “a self-conscious emotion characterized by a painful appraisal of having done (or thought) something that is wrong and often by a readiness to take action designed to undo or mitigate this wrong.” While this feeling can sometimes be useful in helping us change our behavior when necessary, it also has the potential to cause harm to the person feeling it when it’s unwarranted, out of proportion, or not managed in a healthy way. When this emotion applies to parenting situations and is felt by caregivers who identify as women in particular, it’s sometimes colloquially referred to as “mom guilt.” Below, we’ll explore what may cause “mom guilt,” tips for managing it, and when and how to seek support for this emotion.

What is “mom guilt”?

Parents and caregivers are responsible for their child’s well-being and play a significant role in their development, so it’s not unusual to hold oneself to a high standard in this area of life. However, all humans are imperfect—including parents—so sometimes falling short of your own standards or the expectations of others in terms of parenting is inevitable. Guilt is an emotion that may result in cases like this. It may arise from actually making parenting mistakes or from believing that you’re not doing enough, especially in comparison to others or to your perception of what a good parent “should” do. 

Parenting-related guilt can affect a parent or caregiver of any gender. Again, while some level of guilt is normal and may even be useful, it’s an emotion that can easily get out of hand and cause pain and other harm to the individual experiencing it.

Common causes of “mom guilt”

There are many different thoughts or scenarios that could trigger feelings of guilt in a parent or caregiver. In some cases, it comes from actual mistakes a parent has made—an experience that’s inevitable in this type of role and in human life in general. Feeling guilt in these cases could help a person avoid similar mistakes in the future. 

In other cases, however, guilt arises as a result of expectations from family members, fellow parents, and the broader culture. For example, many working parents—especially those who identify as women—feel guilt related to spending time at work instead of home with their children because of general cultural messaging that suggests that women in particular should spend all their time with their families. Guilt around taking time for self-care or relaxation could also arise as a result of this dominant messaging. Decisions around other hot-button topics—such as screen time, homeschooling, chestfeeding versus formula feeding, conflict resolution, physical activity, discipline, and many others—could trigger guilt as well, since many people feel strongly about what they believe is best in these regards and may shame others for disagreeing.

Mothers and other types of caregivers may also feel guilt related to their own feelings. It’s normal for emotions and energy levels to fluctuate. However, on days when they’re impatient or short with their children, feel overwhelmed with their responsibilities, or simply don’t feel like playing with or deeply engaging with their children, many parents feel a strong sense of guilt. Again, the culture often supports the idea that mothers and other caregivers should be full of energy and ready to give one hundred percent to their families all the time—and even though this standard isn’t realistic, it can still cause guilt in parents who don’t live up to it.

Finally, it’s also worth noting that certain mental health conditions may cause guilt or increase its intensity in some people. Examples include depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Seeking treatment for symptoms of these or another mental health condition is recommended.

Tips for managing parental guilt

Again, some level of guilt is likely a natural part of taking on an important role like that of a parent or caregiver. However, it’s all too easy for guilt to become overwhelming and even harmful if it’s not properly managed. Here are a few tips that may help you keep this emotion in check.

Acknowledge your complete identity

Caring for a child is a full-time job and then some, so it’s not uncommon for an individual’s role as a parent to be a key part of their identity. However, it can be helpful and healthy to remember and care for the other elements of your identity, too. You are a parent or caregiver, but you are also an individual with basic needs for rest, enjoyment, connection, and fulfillment from sources outside of your family. Holding space for the complexity of your own identity may help you manage guilt related to taking time for yourself.

Avoid comparison

No two children are the same. Each child, parent, and family has different needs and different methods that work best for them. While it can be valuable to learn from and connect with other parents, frequently and strictly comparing yourself to them is unlikely to be beneficial. In fact, research from 2018 suggests that the pressure to be a “perfect mother” correlates with increased levels of guilt and stress and a higher likelihood of burnout, and comparison can exacerbate this pressure. Reminding yourself that you, your family, and its needs are unique and that you’re doing the best you can with what you have, regardless of what others may be doing, can be helpful.

Engage in self-care regularly

Research suggests that engaging in self-care regularly may be associated with decreased stress levels and increased quality of life. While taking time for these practices—which can include anything from exercising or doing a creative hobby to spending time in nature or connecting with friends—can induce guilt in some, it can be helpful to remind yourself that self-care is something everyone needs for their own well-being and that it’s not selfish to take time for it.

Ask for help

As the saying goes, “it takes a village” to raise a child. In other words, parenting can be even more difficult if you’re not leaning on a social support system as needed. This can look like working past feelings of guilt about spending every moment with your kids and hiring a babysitter or asking a family member to look after them so you can have some time to yourself. It could also look like asking a partner to step in on certain duties, or even joining an online or in-person parenting group where you can share with and learn from other parents who are facing similar challenges. Whatever form it may take, reaching out for help can help you normalize parenting challenges and imperfections and remind you that you don’t have to do it all alone.

Meet with a therapist

Many people find meeting with a therapist to be helpful when facing the many challenges of parenthood. They can help you learn to recognize and challenge distorted or otherwise unhelpful thoughts that may be leading to overwhelming or harmful feelings like unchecked guilt. They can also help you manage potential manifestations of guilt, such as endless scrolling and comparing yourself to other parents on social media, negative self-talk, trouble sleeping, high stress or anxiety levels, and unproductive or harmful coping mechanisms. If you're experiencing symptoms of a mental health condition, they can help you address these as well.

Many parents have busy schedules that don’t allow them time to commute to and from in-person therapy appointments. Those who are having difficulty managing feelings of guilt may find it especially difficult to take time for themselves to attend therapy. Signing up for online sessions can be a convenient alternative in cases like these. With a platform like BetterHelp, for instance, you can get matched with a licensed therapist who you can speak with via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from home, the car, the office, or anywhere else you can connect to the internet. Research suggests that online therapy may be “no less efficacious” than in-person methods when it comes to addressing a variety of mental health challenges, from guilt and perfectionism to anxiety and depression. That means you can generally feel confident in selecting the therapy format that best fits your lifestyle.

Takeaway 

“Mom guilt” is a colloquial term to describe how many parents and caregivers feel like they’re not doing enough or not doing the right things when caring for their children. While guilt can be a productive emotion when managed correctly, it can increase stress, anxiety, and risk of burnout when improperly managed. Avoiding comparison with other parents, engaging in regular self-care, and speaking with a therapist are examples of strategies that may help parents manage feelings of guilt.