Shame Vs. Guilt: What’s The Difference?
Guilt and shame are two words that we use almost interchangeably. They both describe a negative emotion in response to our actions, but they have very different meanings. In this article, we'll discuss the difference between shame and guilt in detail because it has a significant impact on how we view ourselves, each other, and the world.
Shame Versus Guilt
Psychologists define guilt as an emotional state that appears when we feel we feel we have failed to live up to the morals of ourselves or others. Like shame, guilt provokes thoughts of how we have failed and distressing emotions like sadness, anger, or anxiety. It can even cause physical reactions, such as an upset stomach. If resolved appropriately, some guilt can be healthy.
Shame, on the other hand, is defined as an intense feeling about the self that comes from failing to live up to your own or others' standards. Sounds similar, right? Well, the main difference from guilt is that shame can cause you tosee yourself as a bad person, while guilt implies that you are a good person who did something “bad.” Shame is unhealthy, especially if it's not resolved, because it can lead to loss of self-esteem over time. When you consider shame versus guilt, they can both be unpleasant.
Let's look at an example. Imagine you become distracted while driving. You don't notice the light turning yellow, so you run a red light, and you almost hit someone. If you feel guilt, you might say, "Oh man, oh man, I really messed that up. I should be more careful. I should work on not getting distracted."
Shame is more toxic and harmful to your self-esteem. Shame says, "Oh man, I am an awful driver. I am a horrible person. I should not be allowed to drive; I should not even be allowed to go to work." Do you see the difference? Unlike guilt, with shame, it's about you as a person, instead of your actions. Shame can also come from external sources. In this example, you might feel shame if the person in the passenger's seat berated you for being a bad person.
Overall, the difference between guilt and shame is important. Guilt can be healthy because it allows us to identify and correct potentially problematic behaviors. Shame, on the other hand, finds a problem with the person instead of their behavior. Everyone experiences guilt and shame, and some more frequently than others, but you can learn to process both emotions with the right tools.
Shame, Guilt, And Behavior
Everyone feels an emotion like anger at some point or another. What we do with our anger depends partly on whether we're prone to feeling guilt or shame. People who tend to feel guilt are better at using their guilt constructively, so they can make changes or solve problems when they become angry. Shame-prone people, on the other hand, tend to use their shame-powered anger in destructive ways, tearing themselves down or being aggressive toward others.
Shame And Guilt Scales
The Guilt and Shame Proneness (GASP) scale is a test that psychologists devised for use in experimental studies of guilt and shame. The GASP assesses differences in the way you respond to doing something that you consider wrong. It looks at your feelings about the event and the behaviors that might repair the situation. It also assesses your feelings of shame and other negative behaviors. If you're not sure whether you're more prone to guilt or shame, this test may give you some insight into your own guilt and shame. With this information, you may be better equipped to work through your guilt and shame.
Most often, unlike shame, guilt is associated with actions and possessions. We feel guilt when we've harmed someone or when we're not proud of our actions. We recognize that our actions can make others feel physically or emotionally bad, and in our compassion, we feel guilt and want to make it right. As we mature, we might also feel guilty because we have something that others don't have. As long as our emotions aren't extreme, this is a healthy aspect of guilt. It can prompt you to correct imbalances.
Shame has only a limited link to our actions. Yes, we feel shame because we've done something that we or others think is wrong, but on a deeper level, the feeling isn't really about our actions at all. It's about who we are as a person. If we have felt shame, we may have done something wrong, but instead of thinking about our actions, we dwell on what we think it means: proof that we're a bad, stupid, inferior, or selfish person. As such, we do nothing.
A Negative Self-Evaluation Isn't Necessary
If you're guilt-prone, you're already aware that doing something wrong might have negative consequences. When you know you might feel bad about doing something, you may be more likely to think twice about it, so you can make a decision that you can live with if anyone finds out.
Sometimes you might do something that makes you feel guilty enough to want to make amends. It can be healthy to recognize that you made a mistake. For example, you might have accepted too much change from a cashier, but that doesn't mean you are a horrible person overall. It just means that you did one thing that may conflict with your or society's morals.
When you feel guilt instead of shame, you see the occasional error as separate from who you are. You're still a good person, and you can make amends when you do something wrong. Essentially, everyone makes mistakes from time to time. It's part of being human, and it's healthy to accept that. Overwhelming feelings of guilt can quickly turn into shame, but if you can manage your guilt in a healthy way instead of letting it spiral out of control, it can have some powerful benefits.
Managing Guilt Constructively
While guilt is easier to handle than shame, it can still require thought and effort. When you're trying to work through guilt, here's what you need to do.
Distinguish Between Action And Self: First, make a clear distinction between what you did and who you are. If you feel guilt, you're likely to experience a distressing feeling of inner conflict. That's okay. In fact, it can help you make amends and make a different choice in the future. The discomfort helps you learn from the experience.
Accept Responsibility: When you realize that your behavior was wrong or inappropriate, it is important to accept responsibility for what you've done. Rather than attempting to hide it or push the blame onto someone else, you need to be very clear that you're responsible for your actions.
Make Amends: Sometimes, making amends is easy. You simply apologize and make reparations. In the example where you feel guilty because you got too much change from the cashier, you could just say, "I'm sorry. Let me return the extra change."
Sometimes, though, making amends isn't easy. You might not be able to undo the harm you caused, but you won't be able to put the experience completely in the past until you right the wrong in some way. Often, people who feel guilty about something they can't repair find other ways to make amends. This might involve helping others. For example, if you ignored a homeless person who was obviously in need on your way home, you might not be able to find that person again. Instead, you may choose to volunteer at a soup kitchen to help other people in a similar position.
Take A Problem-Solving Approach: Instead of berating yourself or getting angry with others, it's more productive to look for solutions. If you've done something that you consider wrong, ask what you can do to make things right. If you can't make amends with the person you wronged, is there something else you can do for others like them?
Make Better Choices: Sometimes, guilt can have a funny way of changing your entire perspective. When you do something that you can't accept, you may find that this event becomes a catalyst for greater change. Maybe your guilt makes you want to become a better person or start down a new path in life. It often helps to have a guide that can help you navigate these new waters.
The Risks Of Feeling Deep Shame
In decades past, many parents intentionally shamed their children to discourage certain behaviors. This practice has been mostly abandoned as we've come to understand that shaming has a negative impact on kids, not to mention everyone else.
Shame can be more troubling than guilt. It's hard for some people to separate their actions from who they are as a person. If you're struggling with shame, you may want to speak with a counselor who can help you work through it. Read on to learn about some of the downsides of shame.
Shame Decreases Self-Esteem: When you're prone to shame, you may tend to think that every negative action says something about who you are. Every mistake, no matter how big or small, can cause you to feel like less of a person. It tends to have a cumulative effect; the more shame you experience, the worse you might feel about yourself. Instead of saying, "I did something wrong," you might say, "I'm a bad person." This mindset quickly leads to low self-esteem, which can affect all areas of your life.
Shame Promotes Unethical Behavior: Unlike guilt, shame won't make you a better person. Instead, people who cling to shame are more likely to act poorly and hide it from others. Thinking they're unable to change, they may blame their personality for their bad behavior, and sometimes blame others. It's very difficult to adopt a problem-solving attitude when you're focused on guilt, hiding what you've done, and mitigating the blame. When that happens, it can become difficult to work, live, or socialize with others.
Shame Creates A Sense Of Hopelessness: Changing what you do is easier than changing who you are. If you're prone to shame, life can seem without meaning, especially if you feel powerless to change. You may give up on trying to be a good person. You may also isolate yourself from others to hide your shame, or you may even become depressed or suicidal. If you or a loved one are experiencing suicidal thoughts, reach out for help immediately. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be reached at 988 and is available 24/7.
There is hope for guilt and shame. People change their behavior and improve their self-esteem every day, moving past shame and guilt. Working on guilt and shame may not be easy, but it can be done.
Seeking Support For Overcoming Shame
Shame is a challenging emotion, but feeling shame doesn't mean you're a morally deficient or otherwise inferior person. You can learn how to overcome guilt and shame with the right support. If you'd like to learn healthier ways to respond to your mistakes, consider working with a therapist.
Online therapy continues to help more and more people experiencing difficulties with shame and guilt. For those feeling deep-rooted feelings of shame, they may not believe themselves worthy of treatment or think that they are capable of changing. These negative beliefs about oneself might discourage them from attending an in-person therapy setting. With online therapy platforms like BetterHelp, you can schedule an appointment from a location of your choice as long as there is a reliable internet connection. You can also schedule time with a therapist when it works for your schedule, reducing the need to sacrifice other important priorities in your life. The reality is that no one is so beyond repair or worth that they do not deserve the opportunity for support.
Online therapy has proven effective in helping people overcome various mental health challenges connected to guilt and/or shame. In one study involving over 100 participants randomly assigned to wait list control groups, self-help internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy (iCBT) groups, and guided iCBT groups, researchers affirmed that participation in the internet-based models alleviated social anxiety symptoms by reducing levels of shame proneness.
Even if you have acknowledged that you are feeling guilt instead of shame, online therapy can help you process those emotions and apply your insights toward personal progress. A recently concluded randomized controlled trial of online trauma-informed guilt reduction therapy was successful in reducing guilt experienced by combat veterans diagnosed with depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
If you’re curious to learn about others’ experiences with BetterHelp online therapists, consider reading some of these reviews from satisfied clients.
"It's great to be meeting Lori online, and she helped me to make sense of the situation I found myself in. She helped me to define what is going on and stopped the immediate feeling of guilt and feelings of being lost."
"As a victim of trauma I was told to find a very compassionate counselor and I am so grateful to her for having that quality and in a healthy manner as to not increase my codependency issues. Having trust issues as well, she never makes me feel shame when I tell her about really sensitive issues. She is a great counselor and extremely knowledgeable in different aspects of therapy."
The difference between shame and guilt may seem superficial, but it's crucial to understand it, so you can learn to better handle your emotions. We all make mistakes, but they don't have to affect your self-esteem. Instead, you can learn from shame and grow from the experience with confidence and self-worth. All you need are the right tools -- take the first step to reclaiming your self-esteem by reaching out to a therapist on BetterHelp today.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs):
Do Guilt And Shame Go Hand In Hand?
According to an article published by the National Institute of Health, both shame and guilt are emotions involving negative self-evaluation due to one’s perceived shortcomings. However, they differ in that guilt involves an individual’s distress after they have violated their personal moral standards. For example, an individual may feel guilty after lying to their friend. Guilty feelings are thought to lead to either self-punishment or productive behavior aimed at reparation. For this reason, feeling guilty is not always negative. It can spur an individual towards making amends or reconsidering a specific behavior or attitude.
On the other hand, shame is a painful feeling that is thought to occur due to a disconnect between one’s true self and their ideal self. An individual may feel ashamed of their appearance, a mental health diagnosis, or anything else they believe makes them ‘lacking’ in comparison with who they desire to be. Shame relates to many harmful outcomes. It can cause an individual to develop a negative self-image, become withdrawn, or believe that they are unworthy of connection with others.
Which Is Worse – Shame Or Guilt?
Either shame or guilt can be challenging to navigate. However, they tend to be a different type of emotional experience. While guilt is primarily centered on self-blame for a fault, an individual experiencing shame may be more likely to feel anger or frustration at the discrepancy between one’s whole self and ideal self. Both emotions can feel unpleasant; however, true guilt focuses more on behavior, not on an individual’s core sense of worthiness. For instance, a person may show up late to work, and while they felt guilty, their self-worth was not impacted by their mistake. On the other hand, someone who spirals into shame may feel like they themselves are bad because of their perceived failing as an employee.
Shame is thought to have significant impacts on an individual’s mental health and well-being. Research has revealed a connection between the tendency towards experiencing shame (a trait called shame proneness) and mental health conditions. Ongoing shame can also increase one’s risk of social withdrawal, engaging in substance use or other destructive behaviors. If you find that you frequently experience shame, you may benefit from working with a mental health professional. They can help you to develop coping strategies for managing shame and moving towards healthy emotional progress.
What is the psychology behind shame?
Are shame and regret the same?
Is feeling bad the same as guilt?
What is an example of shame?
What are the four types of shame?
What are the signs of shame?
What is the antidote to shame?