Shame Vs Guilt: The Key Differences And Understanding Their Emotional Impact

Shame and guilt are two words that many people use interchangeably. Both describe a negative, self-conscious emotion that can have a significant impact on how we view ourselves, each other, and the world. However, these terms have subtle but crucial differences in meaning and implications. The main difference: whether the negative feelings are aimed at an action or at oneself as a whole.

Virtually everyone experiences moral emotions like guilt and shame from time to time. However, if excessive amounts of either are affecting your mental well-being, know that it is possible to learn to process both feelings in a healthy way with the right tools. Here, we'll compare and contrast shame vs. guilt and provide strategies that may help you address these emotional responses.

Defining both shame and guilt

Guilt tends to provoke feelings of remorse, regret, sadness, and disappointment when we feel responsible for what we’ve done. However, it’s not a zero-sum game. When guilt occurs, it often has the potential to lead to positive outcomes like repaired relationships, personal growth and self-improvement, and behavior changes as well if managed appropriately.

Shame, on the other hand, is defined by the APA as “a highly unpleasant self-conscious emotion arising from the sense of there being something dishonorable, immodest, or indecorous in one’s own conduct or circumstances. It is typically characterized by withdrawal from social intercourse” which may have “a profound effect on psychological adjustment and interpersonal relationships.” 

The key difference between guilt and shame

Dr. June Price Tangney, a clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at George Mason University, clarifies the primary difference between guilt and shame in an APA interview. Tangney says that guilt is related to a specific behavior while shame is related to your whole self, implying a sense of being fundamentally flawed. 

For example, guilt might lead you to feel bad about saying something unkind to a friend or engaging in another hurtful behavior. It may also drive you to apologize and avoid speaking to them in this way in the future, better aligning your vacations with your values and your moral compass. In this context, you may feel that you’re a generally good person who did something bad or regretful. A person who feels ashamed, on the other hand, might cast themselves in a completely negative light, feeling that they’re a bad person for making that mistake.

Potential effects of guilt and shame: Low self-esteem and more

The way guilt and/or shame may affect a person tends to depend on the severity and frequency of these feelings as well as how they’re managed. A person who feels guilt from time to time when they cause harm is likely to largely benefit from the emotion, as it could motivate them to engage in better behavior and work on personal growth. 

However, a person who feels excessive guilt frequently may see it morph into shame for who they are no matter what they do, which can have a variety of negative effects if it’s not properly addressed. Primarily, it could damage self-esteem, which could in turn lead to challenges like: 

• A sense of hopelessness

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Anger, aggression, and self-destructive behaviors 

• Body image issues and eating disorders

• Social withdrawal, isolation, and loneliness

• Substance misuse or substance use disorders

If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.

There is hope for someone who feels or has felt shame often or is experiencing challenges related to chronic shame or guilt, however. With the right tools and support, it can be possible to engage in self-forgiveness, rebuild self-esteem, and move forward in life with increased confidence and a more balanced perspective.

Tips for managing guilt and shame constructively

While shame vs. guilt are distinct concepts, they are closely related, and there are a few tips and strategies that may help you healthily manage both. For one, keeping a clear separation between action and self is typically wise. Distinguishing between who you are and what you do can help you balance natural feelings of guilt after doing something wrong with maintaining a sense of self-worth. In addition, practicing mindfulness may help you learn to recognize shameful thoughts that unfairly judge who you are and let them go, and practicing self-compassion could help you go easier on yourself when you miss the mark.

If you have made a mistake or caused real harm, taking a problem-solving approach could also help guilty or shameful feelings from spiraling out of control. For example, you might engage in self-reflection on your actions, make amends with the party you harmed, make a plan for changing your behavior in the future, and hold yourself accountable to it.

Taking measures to build your self-esteem could also help you avoid or reduce shame. This could include strategies like:

• Reciting positive affirmations daily

• Making a list of your positive qualities and past achievements

• Spending time around people who make you feel good

• Challenging negative thoughts

• Avoiding self-deprecating humor

• Setting healthy boundaries with others

Seeking support if you feel shame or guilt frequently

If feelings of shame or guilt are negatively impacting your life, it could be worth connecting with a mental health professional like a therapist for support in managing them. They can help you learn to recognize and shift unfair or distorted thoughts, build your self-esteem, and develop coping mechanisms for difficult feelings that may arise in the future. If you’re experiencing shame or guilt as a result of abuse or domestic violence, they can connect you with resources and provide emotional support.

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

Someone who is struggling with guilt-proneness or with managing feelings of shame might be hesitant to speak to a provider about these challenges face to face, however. In such cases, online therapy can offer a more comfortable alternative. Through a platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist and meet with them virtually from the comfort of home. Research suggests that online therapy can offer similar effectiveness to in-person care in most cases. 

Online counselors may support individuals in addressing virtually any type of mental health challenge, from anxiety and depression to guilt and shame to the pain of unrequited love or trouble with social cohesion. See below for some reviews of BetterHelp therapists.

Counselor reviews

"It's great to be meeting Lori online, and she helped me to make sense of the situation I found myself in. She helped me to define what is going on and stopped the immediate feeling of guilt and feelings of being lost."

"As a victim of trauma I was told to find a very compassionate counselor and I am so grateful to her for having that quality and in a healthy manner as to not increase my codependency issues. Having trust issues as well, she never makes me feel shame when I tell her about really sensitive issues. She is a great counselor and extremely knowledgeable in different aspects of therapy."