How To Address Abandonment Issues And Build Healthier Relationships

“Abandonment issues” is a term that refers to emotional wounds from past instances of abandonment, which may affect a person’s behavior in relationships for years to come if not addressed. Due to a deep fear of being abandoned again, a person with this type of wound may engage in behaviors in their relationships that are unhealthy. That’s why recognizing the signs of abandonment wounds and working toward healing if you notice them in yourself is a key part of building healthy relationships for many people. Read on to learn more about abandonment issues and get tips for healthy ways to cope with and heal from them.

What are abandonment issues?

People with abandonment issues might have difficulty maintaining healthy relationships and trusting others. They may struggle to regulate their emotions, frequently experience fear and anxiety, and have difficulties with honest communication in relationships. 

Signs of abandonment wounds 

Abandonment issues can impact how a person interacts with others and forms relationships of all kinds. While each person is different, it’s not uncommon for abandonment wounds to manifest as any of the following emotional and behavioral symptoms: 

• Difficulty trusting others
• Difficulty communicating
• Feeling insecure 
• Clinginess
• Extreme jealousy
• Difficulty with intimacy 
• Frequently seeking reassurance
• Extreme eagerness to please others 
• Giving too much in relationships
• Wanting to be controlled by or to control one’s partner(s) 
• Jumping from relationship to relationship 
• Attention-seeking behaviors 
• Sabotaging one’s own relationships
• Forcing oneself to stay in unhealthy relationships
• Engaging in manipulative or coercive behaviors

In addition to the above behaviors, it’s not uncommon for a person with abandonment wounds to experience symptoms of anxiety while in a relationship as a result of the fear of being left. These could include things like trouble sleeping, muscle tension, difficulty concentrating, irritability, and a sense of danger or panic.

What can cause abandonment issues?

A person may experience abandonment wounds as a result of being physically and/or emotionally abandoned by someone in their past, or as a result of certain types of mental health conditions. More specifically, the following are common causes of abandonment issues:

• Abuse or neglect: Being neglected or abused as a child may cause a person to develop abandonment issues because they weren’t treated appropriately by people who were supposed to love and care for them. Experiencing childhood abandonment can make it hard for an individual to trust and rely on others in relationships later in life. 

• Loss of a parent/caregiver: Losing a caregiver, especially at a young age, due to incarceration, voluntary departure, death, or another reason, is one of the biggest contributors to a fear of abandonment later in life. 
• Loss of a loved one: A major loss, such as that of a partner, child, or sibling, can also serve as a source of abandonment trauma, even if the loss happens later in life. 
• Parental divorce: Divorce or separation can cause feelings of abandonment in children, especially if one parent becomes less present than they were before the separation. 
• Adoption: In some cases, a person who was adopted may feel the pain of abandonment.
• Mental health conditions: Some mental health conditions, like borderline personality disorder (BPD), other personality disorders, and some types of anxiety disorders, may cause a person to experience a fear of abandonment as a symptom. 

Attachment styles and abandonment issues

A person’s attachment style can also be related to a fear of abandonment. Attachment theory was developed in the 1950s by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. It proposes that the quality of a person’s bond with their primary caregiver during infancy will affect the way they’re able to form relationships as adults. 

There are four primary attachment styles. A secure attachment style, per this theory, means that a person had a responsive, consistent caregiver in infancy, allowing them to form healthy, stable relationships. The other three attachment styles are categorized as “insecure,” and any of them could manifest as a fear of abandonment. They are:

Anxious attachment style

An anxious attachment style can develop from inconsistent caregiving, where the child’s needs are sometimes intensely met and at other times ignored or not prioritized. People with an anxious attachment style often desire closeness and approval but fear rejection and abandonment. They may have separation anxiety or require constant reassurance.

Avoidant attachment style

An avoidant attachment style is thought to stem from emotional neglect or rejection, or the caregiver encouraging premature independence. People with an avoidant attachment style value their independence and might struggle with intimacy. They often keep emotional distance from their partners and may dismiss the importance of close relationships.  

Fearful-avoidant attachment style

A fearful-avoidant attachment style is often associated with childhood trauma or highly chaotic caregiving environments. These individuals may have faced abuse, experienced erratic behavior from caregivers, or witnessed traumatic events. They may have mixed feelings about close relationships, craving intimacy but being afraid to get too close. They may experience confusion about their relationship needs and show unpredictable emotional responses. 

How abandonment issues can show up in romantic relationships

In romantic relationships, abandonment issues can show up in a number of different ways, impacting a person’s beliefs and behaviors, as well as the dynamics of the relationship. Some potential ways abandonment issues may show up include: 

• Seeking constant validation and reassurance from a partner
• Frequently sabotaging relationships to avoid further emotional pain
• Avoiding emotional intimacy due to an intense fear of abandonment
• Exhibiting emotional reactivity during sensitive moments, such as feeling defensive when the other person involved expresses their emotional needs
• Experiencing frequent doubts about one’s worthiness in the relationship

When left unchecked, many of these tendencies may contribute to conflict and instability in the relationship and may result in a self-fulfilling prophecy as the relationship breaks down.

Strategies for addressing abandonment wounds 

If you’ve recognized signs of abandonment wounds in yourself, finding ways to heal and cope can be paramount for improving your current relationships and cultivating healthy relationships with others going forward. Here are a few strategies that may help you address abandonment wounds. 

1. Identify the source of your fears

As mentioned above, abandonment fears can have many different sources. If you’ve noticed these fears surfacing in your own life and relationships, taking time to examine where they might come from can be helpful. Looking at your childhood and past relationships, for example, could provide some insight. Once you understand the root of this wound, you may be better able to show yourself compassion for the ways in which it manifests and work toward healing.

2. Engage in confidence-building exercises

Regardless of what exactly caused your abandonment wounds, they’re often bundled with an underlying fear of being inadequate. It’s not uncommon to believe that you were abandoned because you’re not enough, even though this line of thinking is distorted. That’s why taking measures to build your self-esteem—such as engaging in positive self-talk, setting boundaries, practicing affirmations, and avoiding comparison—can be helpful in the healing process. Once you can truly believe that you’re worthy of love, you may find yourself feeling less insecure in your relationships.

3. Keep a journal

Keeping a journal may help you identify situations that lead you to feel fearful of abandonment. Learning to recognize the situations that cause you to feel this way most strongly is often the first step toward addressing and adapting your reactions. 

4. Prioritize self-care

Self-care is important, especially when you’re working to address emotional challenges. Keeping up healthy habits like eating nutritious foods, exercising regularly, getting enough sleep, spending time with friends and family members, and engaging in hobbies or other activities you enjoy can all help you feel balanced as you heal.

5. Develop healthy coping strategies

Developing healthy coping mechanisms may also help you manage your fears and cope with difficult emotions as they arise. Some coping strategies that may help in times of stress include:

• Using grounding exercises to help you focus on the present moment 
• Practicing mindfulness to help you reduce stress and regulate emotions
• Engaging in physical activity to help you release stress and build self-esteem
• Challenging negative thoughts about yourself and trying to replace them with more positive ones

6. Seek professional support

A mental health professional, like a therapist, can help you explore the root causes of your abandonment issues and understand how your fears may be affecting your relationships. They can help bring awareness to behavior patterns, improve your confidence, and teach you healthy ways to manage your anxiety and emotions. If your fear of abandonment may be caused by a mental health condition or personality disorder, they can help you address this as well. In addition to therapy, some individuals may also find it helpful to explore resources such as support groups, which can allow them to connect with others who may share the same fear of abandonment. For some, being able to talk with and learn from others who experience similar challenges can be an important part of their mental health journey.

Getting support through BetterHelp

If going to traditional, in-person individual or couples therapy sessions seems inconvenient or intimidating, online therapy may be worth considering as an alternative. 

With online therapy through BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist with whom you can meet via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from anywhere you have an internet connection. Research suggests that online therapy can be as effective as in-person therapy for addressing a variety of mental health challenges, including anxiety.