How To Find A Good Man To Be Your Partner

By: Toni Hoy

Updated February 09, 2021

Medically Reviewed By: Laura Angers

The definition of a good man for one person may not be the same as your definition. But what if you don't know exactly what you're looking for? How do you figure out how to find a good man to be your partner? This article has a few tips for narrowing down the right kind of man for you.

Start With A Checklist


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Some people are for the potential partner checklist and some are against it. However, you need to have some idea of the qualities you want in a partner before you go out looking for one. After all, how can you find something if you don't know what you're looking for? Don't find your life partner like they're a splurge purchase at the checkout lane. Most people are not satisfied with those random finds.

No potential partner is going to be perfect. He may not even hit all the items on your checklist. But the purpose of your checklist is to ascertain what qualities and values are most important to you and which ones you can’t compromise on to be happy in your future. Keep in mind that sometimes we are also wrong about what we want, so some flexibility might still be helpful.

On the flip side, if someone doesn’t line up with something that you can’t compromise, remember that you can’t change people; don’t invest yourself in a relationship that’s dependent on someone becoming someone else.

Here are some things to think about though:

  • Does religion or spirituality matter to you and do their beliefs need to line up with yours?
  • Is it important that they share certain hobbies with you and what are those?
  • Are certain personality traits deal breakers for you?
  • What are their career goals and how much do they matter to you?
  • Do they share your financial ideas and if not, will that be a problem?
  • Do you want children?

How To Find A Good Man

Now take a look at that list of things you may want to consider in finding a good man. Some of them can actually help lead you to places where you may find the partner you are looking for. You see, if certain characteristics are important to you, you may have luck finding the right kind of person at places or events associated with those things.

Are you looking for someone of a certain religion? Attend spiritual events. You want to get to know someone who enjoys board games? Check out the board game nights at your local comic shop. Are certain causes near and dear to your heart? Volunteer. That might be an especially good way to find someone with similar values.

Bustle also recommends checking out what events your friends are attending through Facebook and, if they’re of interest, RSVP, and check it out. There are events from book readings to art events, and you may even find a few things you didn’t know where out there.


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Important Signs To Look For

Once you've met someone and are considering whether they are a good match, look at more than the superficial things like whether they enjoy the same music as you or say they have similar goals. Goals don't matter if the person has no motivation to reach them. Here are the big things to look for on your first few dates.

Emotional Maturity

Watch how the guy treats other people. If he flies off the handle because you have to wait for a table at the restaurant or acts like a jerk to the waiter because he doesn't get exactly what he wants, you could be in for a relationship with a man who is emotionally a child. You don't want to be in that situation.

Job Satisfaction

Careers are important to people's happiness and identity. Someone who complains about their job all the time is often a miserable person to be around, and it's a sign that they don't take steps to improve their life. If he's been at a job he hates for many years, that may mean he lacks motivation in his life and is unlikely to be a good life partner.

Knowing more about his job also might give you a sense of his values, his short- and long-term goals, and where he invests his time. It’s another good way of checking to make sure that you’re going to be working in the same direction if you decide to try and have a future together.

Relationship Goals

By the second or third date, you may want to be checking whether the two of you share relationship goals to see if this could go somewhere deeper than friendship. Does he want to commit to one person right now? Does he have the time to put in the level of attention you want, or does he have other commitments or spend too much time on work? Openly discuss what you expect and what he expects.

In addition, you should explore what a relationship means to him. A good relationship means that you’re respecting each other, growing together, celebrating one another, and trust one another. That means being with someone who has a certain level of emotional matureness (as mentioned above) and also comfort in being themselves.

If he’s going to be threatened by your career, your relationship with your family, or your intelligence and opinions, that’s a good sign that he might not be the right fit for you. It’s also helpful to know that he’s willing to put as much work into the relationship if you are. If he expects you to do all the emotional work, that may be another sign that the relationship isn’t meant to last.


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You should hold high expectations for the person you intend to share your life with. If you consistently end up dissatisfied with where your romantic relationships end up, you may want to talk to a professional who can help you pinpoint what's really important to you. Having a sense of who you are, your values, and what you want in your future is just as important to bring into a relationship as your partner. That emotional work we mentioned above? There’s a chance that you might need to do some of that before even heading into a new relationship.

BetterHelp is a great place to do just that. You might be wondering if therapy can really help you. Isn’t therapy for people who are really mentally ill? Not at all. Research shows that people who attend therapy are better able to function in life. They have improved emotions and behaviors and even some physical benefits, such as using fewer sick days and having fewer medical problems. In fact, about 75 percent of people who attend therapy say they gained a benefit from it. Now, does that extend to online therapy? While it depends on what you’re dealing with and how you’re treating it, probably. Online therapy has been shown to be just as effective as in-person therapy when dealing with common types of talk therapy and issues that aren’t severe.

Online therapy has some great benefits too. If you’re a person who is always busy, online therapy may be a good fit for you. There’s no need to run to an office. Instead, you can reach out to your counselor anywhere you’re comfortable as long as you have a secure, reliable internet connection. And while you may be put on a wait list if you contact a traditional office, most folks are connected with a counselor on BetterHelp within 24 hours.

If you’d like a little more information, here are some reviews by recent BetterHelp users about working with their counselors.

“I was simultaneously feeling hopeless and eager prior to using BetterHelp, having had a great therapist and then giving up after never being able to find another that suited my case. I was worried about the cost, the time, and the possibility of having a mismatch - but excited to heal and move forward. Now, almost a month later, I can confidently say that BetterHelp has been an amazing space - and beyond that, Ximena has been wonderful and truly has a passion for her field that is evident in her work. I would highly recommend her as a therapist for anyone that is seeking therapy for the first time, is on the fence, or is ready to jump back in. She is precise and attentive in her speech, cares about her patients, and is all about communication and feedback. Without a doubt, the best therapist I've had.” Read more on Ximena Abodano.

“Sean has been a great therapist and helped me navigate a very difficult time in my life. I would definitely recommend him to others, especially those that are trying to work on positive and healthy relationships like myself because he’s a good listener and helps keep me accountable to goals I’ve made for self-improvement.” Read more on Sean Miller.


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