How To Stay Calm In The Face Of Drama

Drama is often characterized as an overreaction or exaggeration that makes a situation seem worse than it is. Drama can also refer to behavior from a group of people that doesn’t necessarily emotionally fit the situation. These reactions can drive heightened emotions and escalating statements, making it difficult to remain calm when spending time with these individuals. Learning how to stay out of drama is important, but if it does occur, there are actions you can take to resolve the issue. Taking steps to acknowledge your role in creating drama, apologizing for your actions, de-escalating arguments, and working together are all helpful components of achieving a positive resolution.

How to avoid drama 

Some people may engage in drama as a form of attention-seeking behavior, and chronic dramatic behaviors may be a symptom of an underlying condition like histrionic personality disorder. In these cases, you may not be inciting the drama. Consider using the strategies to avoid other people’s drama or to reduce the drama in your own life: 

Be transparent 

You may improve your relationships through transparency, respect, and humility. Being clear and transparent can be an effective way to avoid poor communication, which in turn can help you avoid drama. In addition, acknowledging your mistakes when you hurt someone’s feelings may help reduce escalation when drama occurs. If you don’t like someone’s “nasty suspicions” of your behavior or dislike the way they are acting, let them know. Ask them how you can work together to come to avoid major problems or come to a resolution.

Establish boundaries 

Establish boundaries around discussing drama and gossip. Creating boundaries can be much easier after you have learned to recognize drama triggers. These are the subjects that tend to create drama between you and another person when you spend time together. If you want to avoid specific drama triggers, you might change the subject or ask them if you can talk about something else. If that doesn’t work, you may want to try to set boundaries using one of the following statements: 

• “Let’s not discuss big stuff like this when we’re all together.” 
• “I’m not comfortable arguing about this anymore.”
• “If we can’t get along when we hang out, I’m uncomfortable continuing to see you.” 
• “I need to take a break from this conversation.”
• “Let’s discuss something with a more positive focus.” 

Understand whether you’re contributing to the situation 

Assess whether you’re being overly dramatic out of a desire to get attention or due to boredom. If so, you might benefit from seeking new hobbies or contacting a licensed therapist to discuss these behaviors. It’s natural to want to connect with others or feel validated, regardless of whether the conversation has a negative or positive focus. However, some behaviors may be an unhealthy way to receive these outcomes.  

Leave unhealthy relationships 

It can be helpful to reconsider unhealthy relationships and assess whether a connection is worth maintaining if it frequently involves toxicity and drama. There are billions of people in the world, and you may be able to minimize dramatic people's effect on your life by branching out and looking for people with similar values to you. 

How to stay calm during conflict

You may not be able to avoid people’s drama in some cases. When you encounter a confrontation, there are several strategies you can try to reduce tension, defuse high emotions, and avoid the need for dramatic reconciliation. These strategies include the following: 

Practice deep breathing 

You can try practicing deep breathing exercises regularly to reduce stress and take a deep breath before responding to an emotionally-charged accusation or statement. If the person or people you’re talking to aren’t giving you a moment to breathe, let them know you are feeling stressed and need to step out or take space before you respond. 

Use “I” statements 

Using “I” statements may help you communicate your feelings more effectively and reduce conflict. A 2018 study found that “I” language reduces perceived hostility, particularly when formatted as statements that incorporate the perspective of both parties. For example, as the conversation moves forward you could say, “I understand you’ve communicated you’re feeling angry, and I also feel that way about this situation. I think it would be healthiest for me to take a break before we continue this conversation.” 

Try not to formulate “I” statements that are accusatory, such as “I think you’re mean” or “I wouldn’t do what you’re doing if I were you.” These types of statements may still escalate the situation and are really a misapplication of using “I” statements.

Consider various perspectives 

While it's easy to become deeply immersed in our own heads and ways of thinking, it's important to consider the perspective of others and try to understand how your words or behaviors may have unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings. If the drama occurring has something to do with your behavior, ask yourself whether you believe you acted according to your morals and values. If you didn’t, move on to the next step. 

Acknowledge your mistakes 

Acknowledge your mistakes and how they may have impacted others. If you can, you might also offer a sincere apology. To be sincere in your apology, consider the following points: 

• Avoid asking for a favor or having a “pity party” (trying to elicit sympathy) during your apology. 
• Apologize once instead of multiple times.
• Apologize because you know you made a mistake, not because you want to minimize drama or convince others to drop their accusations. 
• Remember that in some cases, not everything is your fault. Don’t apologize if you didn’t make a mistake.
• Don’t offer grand gestures of love or kindness during your apology, as it may be a form of “love bombing.”
• Be understanding if the person doesn’t accept your apology.
• Ask how you can repair your relationship, if necessary, preferably without appearing as though you feel desperate to fix the situation in any way possible. 
• Give the other person or people space to consider your words. 
• Don’t accuse or blame others, even if they also made mistakes. One example would be blaming a partner or parent for your behavior (i.e., “You know I have a horrible mother. That's why I act like this.”)
• Don’t ask for their apology in return. 

Reflect on how you coped in the past 

Reflect on emotional situations in the past and try to identify warning signs that may have resulted in escalating behavior then. If you notice a warning sign during a dramatic confrontation, consider composing yourself and your thoughts. Composure might include relaxing in another room, walking or jogging, eating a snack, practicing breathing exercises, meditating, or taking a shower. 

Use cognitive restructuring 

Use cognitive restructuring to reframe your thoughts and behaviors. For example, you can avoid absolute language like “never” and “always,” use logic, and start by assuming that the other person is just someone who wants to be heard instead of someone who intends to hurt your feelings. 

Avoid yelling 

Avoid raising your voice, which is a form of vocal escalation. Yelling often or to intimidate others can also be a form of verbal abuse.  

Find constructive solutions 

Focus on constructive solutions to resolve the drama. You might want to ask yourself and anyone else questions like, “What can we do to improve this situation and avoid future conflict?”

Talk to a therapist 

Though it may feel as though life will always involve mini fires we have to put out, every moment shouldn’t be filled with drama. If you sense that drama follows you, are in a toxic relationship that is difficult to leave, or have a hard time remaining calm and communicating effectively during confrontations, you may want to try talk therapy. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is a particular type of psychotherapy that has been proven effective in addressing various psychiatric disorders, including depression, anxiety, and personality disorders. 

CBT focuses on helping clients understand unhelpful thoughts in response to an event, develop strategies to enhance emotional and physical calmness and reframe unwanted thoughts and behaviors. A licensed CBT therapist can help you evaluate the causes of drama in your life and work with you to build healthier strategies for responding to conflict. 

Consider alternative forms of treatment 

For some people, online therapy may be more affordable and convenient than attending in-person sessions. Online cognitive-behavioral therapy, offered through sites like BetterHelp, was studied by Kumar, et al. in 2017 and found to be as effective as in-person counseling. With an online therapy platform, you can learn new skills and use extra features like journaling prompts, webinars, and worksheets. In addition, you can take control of your therapy by choosing between phone, video, or live chat sessions and having the option to change your therapist at any time.