How To Stop Being Codependent And Overcome Codependency
Codependency, often called "relationship addiction," is a behavior where people engage in one-sided relationships focused on their partner's needs to the detriment of their own. Codependent people often have lower self-esteem and higher social anxiety than those who are not. Restructuring or leaving relationships with someone you consider dependent can be challenging. You may benefit from learning more about these patterns or contacting a professional to understand them further.
What Is Codependency?
Substance use disorders
Gambling disorder
Other mental illnesses
Physical health challenges, such as chronic diseases
A disability
A history of trauma or abuse
A codependent partner may give more than they receive, which can make their partner dependent on them. Over time, a codependent partner may become resentful and experience hostility as they feel stuck in a caregiving role.
For example, a codependent person married to someone with an alcohol use disorder may seek to help them overcome their disorder by showing them an abundance of affection. However, the codependent partner may be enabling them by hiding destructive behaviors instead of addressing the underlying cause of alcohol use.
If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources.
What Is A Codependent Personality?
Codependency can be a personality type rather than only a relationship dynamic. Growing up in a dysfunctional family or one that fails to provide secure attachment may lead children to experience low self-esteem, neuroticism, and a compulsive desire to please people.
According to an analysis of individuals with self-identified codependent personalities, a reduced sense of self, extreme emotional, relational, and occupational imbalance, and problems related to control and abandonment during childhood drove codependent behavior.
The following are signs commonly seen in people with codependent personalities:
Consistent caregiving for a partner
Loss of individual identity
Trust issues
People-pleasing
Low self-esteem and self-worth
Indecisiveness
Reliance on a partner
Obsessiveness
Difficulty saying "no"
Denial of relationship challenges
Difficulty communicating effectively
A desire for control
Difficulty with emotional intimacy
Fear of rejection or abandonment
If you feel you are living in the shadow of your partner or have a compulsive need to care for your partner, even if it means sacrificing your own needs, it can be a sign of a codependent relationship.
How To Address Codependency
Codependency is not classified as a mental illness; it is a learned maladaptive behavior of self-sacrifice. For some, the first step to addressing codependency is acknowledging its existence and the need for support.
If you are experiencing signs of codependency or feel your partner's behaviors and thoughts are central to your self-worth, you may want to consider whether you have a codependent personality. Addressing underlying substance use disorders, mental illness, and low self-esteem may be a start. You can also try the following.
Do Your Homework
In addition to psychotherapy, you may find it helpful to use workbooks to develop a more profound understanding of your self-esteem. You might also keep a journal about your feelings and relationship dynamics. Try to reflect on the following questions:
Can you find examples of codependency in your relationship? When does it typically occur?
How does your relationship dynamic make you feel?
Do you know when this dynamic first occurred? If so, do you know what might have incited it?
Journaling can help you learn to start identifying unhealthy behaviors and organize your thoughts between therapy sessions. According to research published in 2017, psychoeducation can be a crucial element of effective therapeutic treatment and may help you address your concerns more successfully.
Research On Your Own
You can learn more about codependency from reputable sites like the American Psychological Association (APA). Learning more about codependency can help you identify maladaptive behaviors. However, therapy is often recommended to address the underlying factors contributing to codependency.
Talk To A Professional
Codependency can be confusing and complex. Therapists use different modalities to effectively address trauma, mental illness, and low self-esteem that may drive codependent behavior. In particular, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) may help address these patterns. During CBT sessions, therapists work with clients to empower them to identify, evaluate, and reframe maladaptive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
If you find it challenging to discuss your emotions with others, seeking therapy from the comfort of your home may be more appealing. A 2022 study of online cognitive-behavioral therapy found that it effectively improved self-esteem and the ability to use healthy coping mechanisms for young people.
Sites like BetterHelp offer therapy from licensed therapists with experience using CBT and other modalities to address concerns like codependency. In addition, you can choose whether to attend therapy sessions over video, phone, or live chat. For those with busy schedules, online therapy can be a more convenient way to find support.
Takeaway
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Some commonly related questions on this topic can be found below.
What is the root cause of codependency?
Codependent relationships take two to tango. Often, dysfunctional relationships with codependent tendencies result when healthy boundaries are not present or respected on one or either side of the relationship. Often, a codependent relationship consists of an avoidant attached person and an anxiously attached person. This combination allows for codependent behavior.
For example, an anxiously attached person may only care about their partner’s well-being and ignore their own feelings in a romantic relationship. They may spend time for hours thinking about the emotional needs of their partner. They may even neglect other relationships out of fear. Their self-esteem is impacted by their sense of how much their partner is happy with them. They often struggle to set boundaries for themselves.
On the other hand, an avoidant attached person will have a hard time with relationships and family in general. They may lie, partake in codependent patterns of manipulating their partner’s sensitivity, and will take the energy that the anxious person gives out. They may avoid romantic relationships in general and avoid the idea of commitment. Their own identity may be more important to them than how their partner feels. They may value other relationships more than their romantic one.
When this pair is put together, the anxious partner receives serotonin and self-esteem from their partner’s brief positive reactions to them, and the avoidant partner gets their physical and subconscious needs met and may feel powerful.
Attachment styles are developed based on family patterns as a child, as well as the attachment style of the family who raised you. If there was substance use in your household, you may grow up to have a codependency issue.
Are codependents narcissists?
Not everyone who is in codependent relationships is a narcissist. This behavior in general can be abusive, depending on how it is used.
Many codependent individuals are simply people with a history of trauma and attachment issues who have low self-esteem and learned behavior from their past. The people involved don’t even always know they are in this kind of relationship. On the flip side, they often don’t even know how to stop their tendencies. They may have seen the common signs and patterns of codependency in their family and the relationships of their family growing up.
Only a trained professional therapist can diagnosis narcissistic personality disorder, so it’s best to speak to a professional if you’re unsure about where you or your partner stands in relationships and want to learn how to stop being codependent.
Who are codependents attracted to?
Codependent people are often attracted to relationships that mimic patterns they saw from their family when they were a child. They may be drawn to avoidant or anxious energy, depending on their attachment style. They may even seek someone out as a friend who fits those same traits. Those who tend to give more than they get are often drawn to people with substance use issues.
If this sounds like you, a licensed professional counselor can help you understand why you have these patterns in your relationships, and help you come up with ways to start overcoming codependency for good.
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