How to talk to men when you’re nervous

Talking to a man you want to get to know can be nerve-wracking, and you're not alone in these feelings. When taking the initiative, you might worry that the man won't be interested in talking to you or that you'll make an embarrassing first impression. While it might be difficult to eradicate all feelings of nervousness, there are strategies you can use to make talking to men easier so you can put your best foot forward and enjoy meeting new people.

Strategies for calming your nerves

Strategies for calming your nerves can mean inciting a cognitive shift to change your thought patterns about self-beliefs and how you approach social interactions. Psychologists use methods like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) to help clients accomplish cognitive restructuring. Still, there are a few ways you can work on this task independently, including the following.  

Put the situation in perspective

At times, it may be helpful to imagine the worst-case scenario. Although it could seem counter-productive, imagining the worst scenario can take power away from it and remind you that you can have a plan for any situation. A few scenarios you could consider include the following: 

• He might not be interested in talking to you 
• He may already have a significant other
• He might not be attracted to you 
• You might feel embarrassed in public if he rejects you in front of others 

When you put these situations in perspective, you may notice areas with whichyou could effectively cope if they occurred. For example, if the man isn't interested in talking to you and rejects you publicly, you might say, "That's alright! Have a great rest of your day!" Positively facing the situation can reduce your embarrassment, and you can move on and focus on self-care if you feel upset. 

Shift to his perspective 

At times, people idolize those in whom they're interested. However, it can be helpful to remember that the man catching your eye is a human like you, and remind yourself of your humanity, which could take away nervousness from the encounter. Although he might not be interested, it could be possible that he'll be friendly, and you might make a new friend. He might also feel nervous if he feels the same way, so you might not be the only one trying to make a positive impression.  

Eliminate self-judgment 

It can feel easy to get swept up in self-judgment when nervous about meeting new people. You might anticipate judgment due to past experiences or believe that the person is "better" or "more attractive" somehow. Take a moment to reflect on your positive qualities before you begin, and minimize thoughts of self-judgment and negative self-talk.

Practice mindfulness 

Focusing on the present moment may allow you to let go of worries about events that haven't happened yet. Your imagination about the future might plant false scenarios and leave out positive aspects of your personality. If this happens, it might cause intense feelings throughout the day. Instead of ruminating on these ideas, consider deep breathing exercises to control your emotions. Stay mindful of your breath, bodily sensations, thoughts, and emotions throughout the day to stay grounded before speaking to the man who has caught your interest.

How to talk to a man when you’re nervous

After you've prepared for your conversation, you may decide to move forward and talk to him. You might find the conversation fun and less nerve-wracking than you thought it would be if you practiced mood regulation beforehand. However, you can also try the following strategies amidst the conversation.  

Ask him questions about himself 

Some people might feel nervous before a conversation out of fear of not knowing what to say. If you know about the man's interests, it can help you get the conversation going. If you don't, consider asking him questions about himself. People often like to talk about themselves, so engaging in dialogue with him about his interests, background, and family may open up a level of comfort in the conversation.  

Avoid negative assumptions 

Assumptions might not be helpful if you're nervous. For example, if this man seems quiet or unsure when you approach, it could be because he's as nervous as you are. While it can be human nature to assume the worst, reading too much into his behavior may be unhelpful. Try not to assume he doesn't like you or wants you to leave. 

Ask a friend to approach him with you

It might be easier to initiate conversation in a group setting, so consider asking a trusted friend to accompany you. A friend may boost your confidence, supplement the interaction, and give you their take on him after you've parted ways. If the man is already in a group with others, having a friend could also make you feel less "on the spot." 

Be yourself 

When you're unafraid to be yourself, it can emit confidence that others might find attractive. Being open and honest with a guy in whom you have an interest and letting him get to know you as you are could also pave the way for a meaningful, successful relationship. If you're nervous about your personality, note how many people in your life already love who you are, and remind yourself of these positive qualities. 

When is nervousness a sign of a deeper concern?

Approaching someone who has piqued your interest can be challenging, but it can also be exhilarating. In addition, if it doesn't turn out how you expect, it may be a helpful experience for learning how to improve your interactions in the future. However, for some people, the anxiety associated with socializing can feel debilitating. If the feelings are extreme and persistent, a mental health condition like social anxiety disorder may be a cause.  

Social anxiety disorder is characterized by intense, persistent fear of social interaction. People with social anxiety may worry obsessively about what others think about them, which can compromise relationships, career success, and home life. Unaddressed symptoms can worsen and evolve into a serious condition like agoraphobia. If you or someone you know is experiencing nervousness around others, consider reaching out for professional support.

Counseling options 

For those experiencing social anxiety, meeting with a therapist in person or encountering others in a therapist's office may be scary. Online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp provides a solution to these barriers, making it possible for many who might avoid in-person therapy to receive support in treating their symptoms. 

A 2011 study published in the Journal of Medical Internet Research examined the effectiveness of online cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) in treating social anxiety disorder. Researchers found that, five years after treatment had ended, the reduction of social anxiety symptoms was significant, and improvement in social interactions was higher. These sustained results show that online CBT can help individuals with confidence challenges or nervousness improve social interactions. 

With an online therapy platform, you can also choose between phone, video, or live chat sessions with your therapist. If you're uncomfortable showing your face or speaking out loud due to anxiety, you can start talking to your therapist over chat, and you may also have the option to partake in 24/7 messaging when you need support throughout the week. An effective therapist may help you move beyond fear to learn to communicate confidently with others and maintain balanced relationships.

Read below for reviews of counselors from those who have experienced similar issues.

Counselor reviews

"I am really lucky to have Justin as my therapist. I write to him so much about my everyday life in solitude, and dating problems, family problems, and traumas, and he goes through all the messages and really helps me even with the replies. After every video session, I feel quite relieved and see progress and how I am slowly becoming a stronger and wiser human being, who doesn’t need to repress as much family pain anymore because there is someone who knows what he’s doing to help me deal with the problems we all have sometimes. And Justin helps motivate me to work towards my life goals, personal, and career-wise. After almost 5 years of swirling in nothingness, like a fly without a head, I finally feel like there is a lot to achieve and with baby steps, will be achieved with less stress. Thank you, Justin!"

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

"Laticia is a lifesaver. She has great energy and allows me to be myself during our sessions. She helps me understand my feelings and thoughts. She’s not afraid to tell me things I don’t want to hear. She gives me great tips, ideas, and exercises to help me with my communication skills, my anxiety, and relationship issues. I’m so happy I have her as my therapist. She is helping me through some difficult experiences in my life. Thank you, Laticia."