Saying Yes To Adulthood: How To Grow Up

You might be an adult in the legal sense—maybe you even have a steady job, a stable relationship, and a place of your own—but that doesn’t necessarily mean you see yourself as “grown up.” Many people struggle with the feeling that they’re just “faking” adulthood, hoping desperately that one day they’ll have it all figured out. What can you do if you believe it’s time to grow up, but you’re not sure how?

While it can be understandable to want to feel mature and in control of your life, you may have to accept that “growing up” can be a lifelong process, rather than a one-time event. Making an effort to take charge of your responsibilities, pursue personal growth, and live up to your core values can help you feel more secure in your adult identity. A licensed therapist can guide you through this process with online or in-person sessions.

What does it mean to grow up?

Though we often think of “growing up” in terms of getting older, even people in their 70s, 80s, and 90s may say they don’t feel entirely grown up. You’ve also likely met people who still seem to have childish attitudes or behaviors despite being older than you. If growing up isn’t just about hitting a specific age, what does it really mean?

Growing up vs. giving up who you are

One way to define growing up may be becoming the truest version of yourself, rather than seeing it as losing a part of who you are. The pioneering psychologist Carl Jung generally referred to this process as individuation. In his view, individuation typically involves recognizing and accepting even the parts of your personality that make you ashamed, uncomfortable, or afraid. This process of self-integration may enable individuals to seek fulfillment in life without constantly tripping themselves up.

You could regard growing up as a process of taking charge of your own life. As a child, you’re usually under someone else’s care. This often means following their rules, but it can also mean relying on them for your well-being and having less accountability for your behavior. To many people, the true mark of growing up is being able to successfully manage the challenges and responsibilities of adult life. That said, learning how to do these things does not make it necessarily wrong to play and have fun. In fact, research has found that adult play can have significant benefits for overall well-being.

Common signs you may be avoiding adulthood

Although the transition to adulthood is different for everyone, there are some common signs you might notice if you’re avoiding growing up.

Staying stuck in your comfort zone

Some people may have a difficult time moving outside of their comfort zones. Staying in a situation where you feel comfortable may feel safe, but it can ultimately result in keeping you stuck. Some signs that you might be choosing familiarity and comfort over growth can include: 

• Continuing to live at your parents’ house
• Relying on your mom, dad, or a grandparent for financial support
• Neglecting household chores, like cleaning, food shopping, or doing laundry
• Being unwilling to work a job that offers long-term stability
• Playing video games or using social media excessively to escape from reality
• Turning to alcohol or other substances to cope with changes

Letting others take responsibility for your life

Relying on someone else to make decisions or take on responsibilities that should belong to you can also be a sign that you are avoiding adulthood. While it may seem convenient or a way to avoid stress, in time, it can become a way for you to stop acting in your own best interest as you allow others to steer your entire life. This can appear in many ways, including:

• Blaming others for things that don’t go as planned in your life
• Expecting others to step in and solve your problems, like paying debts or saving you from difficult situations
• Allowing others to choose your education or career path
• Deflecting blame to avoid owning up to mistakes
• Asking a parent or partner to make important phone calls
• Letting someone else speak up for you in uncomfortable situations

Financial independence and responsibility

Financial independence can be an important aspect of growing up. Everyone can face money challenges from time to time, but generally, financial independence means building skills that allow you to stand on your own and make choices that support the life you want.

Why money skills matter in adulthood

Understanding how money works can be a crucial part of becoming independent. Simple choices can lay the foundation for long-term financial stability, such as contributing money to a savings account. With consistency and hard work, you can learn how to manage and budget your money to support your goals.

Trade-offs between freedom and security

One lesson that may be important to learn is that the choices that you make in life often come with trade-offs. Financial freedom can often mean taking on more responsibilities, and you may lose time, comfort, or predictability in the process. For example, you may need to choose between going on an expensive vacation, saving that money for home repairs, picking up an extra shift to cover an unexpected bill, or putting it on your credit card. These choices can matter, though, as they can help you shape your life and gain security in the long term.

Emotional maturity and relationships

Some experts propose that adults become better at regulating their emotions with age and show strengths in close relationships. As you grow, relationships may shift from those of proximity or convenience to those that support your overall well-being.

Building adult relationships and support systems

In adulthood, healthy relationships may rely on a balance of staying connected to close friends while setting boundaries so you have the energy to manage your own life and problems in a healthy way. During this time, life can get busy, and maintaining constant contact can be challenging. Regular check-ins and letting people know you care, while also letting them know when you need a rest or some time alone, can help maintain close friendships while also maintaining boundaries.

Taking ownership of your actions

Emotional maturity in adulthood can also help people begin taking ownership of their choices. Rather than waiting for things to happen or blaming circumstances, you may begin to act with more intention. This doesn’t mean that everything will be perfect or fall into place, but you may reach a point where you realize your choices shape your life and begin to see mistakes as learning experiences. Learning how to take accountability can help you move forward with more confidence and clarity.

Life experiences that help you grow up

Growing doesn’t happen overnight, but becoming an adult can be seen as an accumulation of experiences over time that guide us forward. While human beings all have different experiences, there are some factors that can be crucial when figuring out how to grow up.

Trying, failing, and learning

Growth typically happens through life experiences. The transition to adulthood can begin when we are willing to make mistakes and use them as lessons and motivation to get us going in the right direction, even if the path forward is not entirely clear. Failing can feel like a dead end, but it can also be the moment when you finally begin to understand what you want and what you need to do to get there.

Adulthood looks different across cultures

Adulthood can also be shaped by culture. In other countries, adulthood may be defined by meeting certain milestones or taking on particular responsibilities. In some places, family expectations or economic realities may make taking on adult responsibilities early the only option. In others, a certain percentage of young adults may remain dependent on their families longer. All of this may show that adulthood doesn’t have a strict definition; it can be shaped by the world around you.

Here are some ways that the country you live in might impact adulthood milestones: 

• Research has found that young adults in some European countries are more likely to live with their parents than those in the United States. While one-in-three U.S. adults ages 18 to 34 live in their parents’ home, more than seven-in-ten do in Croatia, Greece, Portugal, Serbia, and Italy.
• Ideas about the best age to get married can also vary by country. For example, adults in Argentina say the best age to get married is 28.9 years, while Bangladeshis say it’s 21.2 years. Roughly a quarter of Americans think the best age to get married is between 25 and 29.
• There are also differences in what people in various countries feel is the best age to have a first child. People in Tunisia say the ideal age is just under 30, and adults in Argentina say it’s 27.7 years old. Adults in Bangladesh and South Africa say the ideal age is before 25, but around a third of adults in Tunisia think it’s between 30 and 34.

Growing up without losing joy

Some people may have the impression that the responsibilities of adulthood necessitate giving up the things that bring you joy, but this does not have to be the case. Staying connected to the things that make you happy can help life feel more balanced.

Making space for fun and play as an adult

Research has found that adult playfulness can have many benefits, including “better well-being, physical and mental health as well as performance in cognitive tasks involving learning, attention and memory.” Whether it’s a hobby, a creative outlet, or just taking time to laugh, play can be a healthy way to give yourself a break from the pressures of everyday life so you can rest and reset.

Getting support while learning to grow up

Sometimes, this might mean seeking mental health care. It’s often easier to handle the pressures of adulthood with help from therapy. This can enable you to better regulate your emotions and behave with maturity in every aspect of your life. 

Benefits of online therapy

Many people find online therapy more convenient and manageable than face-to-face treatment. Attending counseling remotely generally means there’s no commute, and it often allows you to choose from a larger pool of potential treatment providers than you could access in your local area.

Effectiveness of online therapy

Evidence from clinical trials suggests that online therapy can be as effective at improving mental health as in-person therapy. Connecting with a therapist online may provide you with a valuable emotional outlet and a helpful source of advice as you work to grow up.