Coming Out To My Therapist To Improve Mental Health

People in your life may make assumptions about your gender and sexuality, possibly automatically assuming you are heterosexual or cisgender. This tendency to assume everyone is heterosexual and cisgender is known as “heteronormativity.” It’s a societal attitude in which heterosexual and cisgender identities are considered the standard from which all other sexual orientations and gender identities deviate. This attitude can have significant repercussions, even if people making the assumptions don’t intend to do harm. Keep reading to explore the possibility of coming out to a therapist and learn how to find a therapist who specializes in working with LGBTQ+ individuals if you believe that would benefit you.

The impact of heteronormativity on LGBTQIA+ people

Because of heteronormativity, people who do not identify as heterosexual or cisgender may experience the urge to come out to correct assumptions others might be making about them. If you are a member of the LGBTQIA+ community consulting a therapist for mental health services, you may wonder whether you should come out to them.

Should I consider coming out to my mental health therapist?

Sexuality and gender identity in the therapy room

Sexuality and gender can make up important parts of a person’s identity. While they don’t completely define a person, they can be key topics that affect a person’s mental health and experience in the world. 

How coming out can guide therapy in the right direction

Coming out to your therapist may unlock topics of conversation that previously felt taboo. This could lead to greater rapport with a therapist and allow them to provide support tailored to your needs. Coming out may deepen the therapeutic relationship and make you feel more comfortable opening up about your life story, which could lead to significant breakthroughs. 

Mental health and the LGBTQIA+ community 

The LGBTQIA+ community has made historic strides toward equality, fair representation, and respect in recent decades. However, people who come out may still face shame, stigma, and, in some cases, outright hate. Coming out can lead to negative reactions from loved ones. 

Negative reactions from loved ones and anxiety

Continuing to conceal crucial components of your identity from meaningful people in your life can also have negative consequences. For example, members of the trans community who do not believe they can fully express their gender identity in their daily lives may be more prone to developing gender dysphoria, the sense that their gender identity conflicts with their biological sex. While gender dysphoria is not considered a mental health condition, it may lead to anxiety or depression. The fear of negative reactions from loved ones can also exacerbate states of anxiety and stress.

Impact of minority stress on mental health in the LGBTQIA+ community

Overall, members of the LGBTQIA+ community might be more predisposed to developing mental health conditions. This phenomenon may be explained by minority stress theory. 

Minority stress theory

According to the American Psychological Association, minority stress theory posits that the higher levels of stress experienced by marginalized groups are partly due to the discrimination they face from society. 

This prejudice may include outright harassment and victimization, decreased social support, and fewer economic and educational opportunities, potentially resulting in financial strife. The heightened possibility of experiencing these adverse events may lead to negative experiences and mental health complications in an LGBTQIA+ person’s life.

Coming out to my therapist: The role of therapy in LGBTQIA+ mental health

Therapy can be a beneficial support system and a safe space for members of the LGBTQIA+ community to work through mental health concerns. However, the advice and strategies a therapist can provide you may be limited if you do not discuss your authentic identity with them. 

Ways your therapist can support you when you come out

If you are open about your sexuality and gender identity with your therapist, you may be able to start working with them to identify ways in which your experiences as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community, both positive and negative, have shaped the person you have become. 

It can be helpful to receive professional support in addressing some common concerns associated with navigating a significantly heteronormative world as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community. A therapist may support an LGBTQIA+ person in the following ways.

Understanding sexuality and gender labels

Society can sometimes have a hyperfocus on labeling people’s sexuality and gender identities. If you are beginning to come to a new understanding of your own identities, it can seem daunting to navigate the language around sexuality and gender. You may feel pressure to identify with one of the following labels:

• Straight
• Gay
• Bisexual
• Lesbian
• Queer
• Cisgender
• Transgender
• Nonbinary

Many labels for gender sexuality may overlap. For example, some transgender people may also identify as nonbinary, a gay person may also refer to themselves as “queer,” etc.

Exploring your gender identity and sexual orientation with a therapist

A therapist trained in gender and sexuality concerns may help you discover where your identity falls among these labels. Alternatively, they may support you in learning that no label can fully capture your complexity and individuality. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to identify, and the support of a therapist may help you understand your own unique identity. 

Addressing expectations and people’s perceptions in therapy

Many members of the LGBTQIA+ community who have not come out (and some who have) may interpret that they are not meeting the expectations that other people have of them. These expectations may include the following:

• Dressing and acting a certain way
• Being romantically or sexually interested in a certain kind of person
• Using a certain type of name or pronouns
• Proceeding along a certain life track (i.e., marrying someone of a different gender, having biological children with that person, etc.)

These expectations could come from a family member, a church, a friend group, or a larger community. If you are experiencing the pressure of such expectations, you may experience (or have already experienced) anger or betrayal if you do not live up to them. 

While it is understandable that you may not want to disappoint the people close to you, it can benefit your sense of self and mental well-being to live your authentic truth, regardless of what other people think. A therapist can help you identify what you want from your life and how to pursue your dreams and desires, independent of what others want or expect.  

Coming out to my therapist and others: When coming out feels complicated

If you do not have supportive people in your life who love you for who you are, or if you have been taught unhealthy and untrue concepts about your sexual orientation or gender identity (for example, that it is something you have chosen or something that can be changed), then you may feel a deep sense of shame around these pieces of yourself. Even if you have not directly experienced rejection from loved ones, societal attitudes towards LGBTQIA+ people can cause what is known as internalized shame.

You and your therapist can work together to understand the root of any shameful feelings you are experiencing, which may then enable you to work through your internalized shame and move past it with hope and pride. You can move through this process at your own pace and decide how much you want to reveal and to whom at each stage of your journey.

Connecting with an LGBTQIA-affirming therapist from home

For LGBTQIA+ people who may need therapy, it can be essential to connect with a therapist trained in gender and sexuality therapy. Some LGBTQIA+ people may prefer working with a therapist who identifies as a community member. It may be difficult for you to find such a provider in your area. If you are experiencing challenges finding a therapist to meet with in person, you may want to consider online therapy.

Benefits of online therapy from home

Online therapy can help LGBTQIA+ people receive therapy from the comfort of their homes, creating a safe environment where they can openly express their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment or discrimination. Additionally, online therapy can provide those living in areas with limited LGBTQIA-affirming resources the ability to see specialized therapists. This can ensure that LGBTQIA+ individuals receive the support they need, irrespective of their geographical location.

Effectiveness of online therapy with related mental health concerns when you come out

Scientific research has demonstrated that online therapy may be as effective as traditional in-person therapy. One study found that an online therapeutic program helped address the mental health-related symptoms of minority stress associated with identifying as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender.